Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life (4 page)
Authors: David Topus
Chapter 4
Schmooze or Lose
Many people believe that success in business is based solely on numbers and money or that success in life is about focus, discipline, and goal attainment. Although these formulas are valid to a degree, there is an overarching ingredient that trumps all others: it’s called people. If you want to be successful in business or in life, you have to be successful with people. You have to be able to connect with people from different walks of life, and with all kinds of personalities and communication styles. You have to know how to build relationships. You must share a little bit of yourself in exchange for others sharing a little bit of
themselves
. This builds relationship equity—trust, mutual respect, likability. And it creates access to unlimited opportunity.
There’s a saying that “nothing happens until somebody says something.” Progress simply isn’t made when people don’t talk to one another. Information doesn’t flow, ideas aren’t exchanged, and energy doesn’t move. But when one party opens his or her mouth and speaks up, conversation starts, thoughts are shared, creativity comes alive, possibilities appear, and the world—both yours and theirs—changes . . . usually for the better.
The way we get to know someone and build a relationship is through talking—good old-fashioned conversation. The Yiddish word
schmooze
means “to chat, to converse, to talk.” Some call it shooting the breeze, and others refer to it as chewing the fat. But at the end of the day, it pretty much all means the same thing: two people sharing thoughts, feelings, and observations through conversation, all for the sake of getting to know each other.
In random connecting, it’s simply a matter of opening your mouth and saying something to the person next to you, in front of you, behind you, or across from you. It doesn’t have to be a declaration of deep and lasting consequence; it can be a comment about what’s happening around you, a question, or even a statement that welcomes a response. Remarks about the weather have been triggering exchanges between people for centuries. Compliments almost always get a positive conversation started: “Love your shirt,” “Love your shoes,” “Love your watch,” “Love your hair,” or “Love your briefcase.” Remarking in a positive way about someone, or something he or she has with them, is a sure way to initiate a favorable conversation with a stranger. It shows the other person that you are generous with your outlook, it makes that person feel good, and it provides a launching pad for further conversation.
These days, many of us are engaged in some form of personal technology when we’re in public places. And most of us are still discovering how we feel about these particular items and how well they work for us. So a question about how the other person likes his or her smartphone, iPad, Bluetooth, or whatever else he or she may be interacting with is sure to trigger getting a conversation going. And it will break the spell of technology that can so easily engross us. Then it’s simply a matter of listening, watching, asking, responding, sharing, nodding, expounding, laughing, and talking—in a word,
schmoozing
.
CASE STUDY: Jerry Z. schmoozes with a stranger at the gas station and finds his way to a new business partnership.
A sales manager at a luxury car dealership outside Atlanta, Jerry opened his mouth and schmoozed his way into an international business partnership. His random encounter occurred when he sparked a conversation with a complete stranger while pumping gas on his way home from work. As Jerry tells the story:
I was working for a Mercedes dealer at the time and stopped to fill up at a gas station I don’t usually use. While standing there I noticed the man at the next pump filling a new Mercedes E-Class.
As a lover of fine automobiles, and always on the lookout for a prospective customer, I leaned between the pumps and asked him, “So how do you like your Mercedes?” We easily fell into a chat about cars, and I mentioned that I worked for a dealer. He seemed interested in that information, so we exchanged business cards almost immediately.
We continued talking—about cars, about business in general, and ultimately, about our respective work lives. I asked him about his company, and listened intently to his responses, showing a sincere interest in what he was saying. (I learned later that he was struck by how easily and naturally I engaged him in conversation.) I also talked about some of my career interests, beyond selling cars. Finally, he looked me in the eye, and asked, “Jerry, what is it you
really
want to do with your career?”I replied that I had really always wanted to get into the import/export business. My father was from Palestine and my mother from Colombia, so I grew up speaking both Arabic and Spanish, along with English. My whole outlook on life was international.
I learned my new connection also had an international orientation. And, would you believe, he ran an import/export company! We kept talking, and he explained that the key to success in that business was in making connections and building trust. He told me that he admired my ability to talk to people. I asked if I could phone him to continue learning about his company and explore possibilities for us to do something together.
As we interacted over the following weeks and months via phone conversations and e-mails, I began to learn the language of the import/export business. My new connection taught me how deals were structured and that striking these deals took especially good relationship skills. Finally, he asked me one day if I would work with him on an import opportunity. Of course I said yes; and together we completed a deal that led to a lucrative financial reward for both of us. And it all began with a simple question to the man at the pump next to me: “So how do you like your Mercedes?”—and a little schmoozing about cars and business.
Chapter at a Glance
- Success in life requires success with people.
- Conversation builds relationships.
- When we talk with others, energy flows and new possibilities are created.
Chapter 5
The Limits of Online Connections
The Internet and social media have presented new and seemingly unlimited opportunities for expanding our networks. Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, not to mention all the online tools yet to be invented, are in many ways redefining the way we interact and socialize. With the push of a button, you can add dozens, even hundreds, of names to your contact base. And for sure, those names represent opportunities you can uncover—some directly; some indirectly. Yet nothing will ever beat sharing physical space, shaking a hand, and looking someone in the eye when it comes to creating and cultivating quality relationships. As Warren Buffet, the icon of business and investor success, asks in his ad for the National Business Aviation Association, “Ever give a firm handshake over a speakerphone?” He would likely ask the same question in the context of the Internet.
For better or worse, depending on your perspective, Facebook has redefined the word
friend
, and LinkedIn has recast the word
connection
. To me, a friend is someone who will be there for you any time, all the time, someone who knows you well and whom
you
know. There is a level of trust that permeates a friendship. You have a history with a friend, where time and personal sharing build mutual experiences that form the foundation of the relationship.
LinkedIn has made connections a numbers game, sometimes with little regard for relevance, influence, or the quality of the contact. It’s a contest for how many people you can add to your connections, rather than their likelihood of actually helping you in some way, or their degree of influence, authority, and resources.
Although useful in their own way, online connections don’t give you the richness of face-to-face communication, and the absence of in-person chemistry limits the quality of your interaction. When we’re online, we frequently find ourselves in a relationship with a screen instead of a person. In fact, the Internet makes it all too easy to form “phony” connections. If you don’t believe that, consider this: I recently met someone who told me he created a Facebook page for an imaginary person. He made up the name and invented activities and interests, the birthday, photos, walls, and pokes. Then he put out friend requests. At last count he had over 100 acceptances. These people accepted a friend request from a person who didn’t even exist! Some people have thousands of LinkedIn connections, most of whom they have never met or spoken to, and probably never will.
Of course, I network online, as should anyone who wants to build his or her business or personal brand. I reach out to people over the Internet. I have relationships with people I contact solely via the phone. I, too, have associates and colleagues I’ve never laid eyes on. But it is the individuals I’ve met in person—in the most random ways and most unlikely places—who have broadened my knowledge, expanded my network, enriched my life, and increased my bank account well beyond what would have been had I merely connected with them online.
There is no better way to create credibility for yourself or your products, services, or capabilities than by sharing physical, in-the-moment space with someone. Putting a face with a name and experiencing the magic of in-person interaction establishes credibility and allows us to forge relationships faster and with more lasting power than is possible through the click of a mouse.
To be fair, online networking is incredibly powerful. It can expand your pool of contacts quickly and broadly, and it’s highly efficient for reaching across a wide swath of the marketplace. It can add names to your contact list you wouldn’t be able to add solely on your own. Yet more often than not, web-based connections require that you have a face-to-face encounter at some point in order to manifest in a profitable business relationship. You can answer a job posting online, but eventually you will have to attend an interview. You can present your products and services via a website or webinar, but no prospect is going to spend big money with you until he or she meets you in person. You can position your professional services via a social networking platform, but you won’t be doing consulting for a company until you meet the client in the flesh. And prospects might find you and your business on the web, but chances are they won’t let you list their house, prepare their taxes, or tutor their children until they look you in the eye and gain the comfort that comes from face-to-face communication.
Chapter at a Glance
- The Internet has redefined the concepts of connection and friend.
- Online personas are easy to fake.
- Online connections don’t necessarily translate into productive or profitable relationships.
- Shaking a hand and looking someone in the eye is one of the highest quality forms of communication.
Chapter 6
When Traditional Networking Is
Not
Working
Over the last 10 years, and especially in the past 5, formalized networking events have become a popular venue for professionals to meet and interact—and they, too, have their place in the networking recipe. But while community and industry gatherings can attract a lot of people, they don’t necessarily attract the right people, that is, the ones who’ll do you the most good. Buyers, or those in positions of influence, don’t always attend. In fact, they occasionally make a point of
purposely
staying away. Networking events attract sellers, and there is only one thing worse than a room full of sellers with no buyers, and that’s a room full of sellers with only a handful of buyers.
In fact, the people you find in coffee shops, at restaurants, in bars, at airports, on airplanes, at sporting events, and at social gatherings represent even more potential, because you are more than likely meeting them when they are most relaxed, accessible, and most available—in short, when they are most themselves. In a traditional networking setting, people are apt to be barraging your potential contact with demands for his or her attention. Individuals, especially those in a position of power, tend to erect a wall of sorts when they know that others will be approaching and asking for something. However, when you meet these same people outside the framework of traditional networking, you often find them at their most unguarded and mentally and emotionally available moments.
CASE STUDY: A random encounter in a doctor’s office leads to a new supplier—and the perfect prescription for saving money on a marketing project for Isabel A.
As Isabel tells it:
Random connecting goes both ways between sellers and buyers. I met a supplier in a physician’s waiting room who helped me through a difficult budgetary challenge at work.
I was managing a major direct-mail program involving more than 1 million customers. My management had just cut my budget in half but required me to generate the same results. I really did not know what to do, but a medical appointment turned out to be just what the doctor ordered!
A doctor’s office is the least likely place I would have thought to make a business connection, but sitting in the waiting room, I noticed another woman across from me. We began talking about our respective conditions and how we found this particular doctor.
As part of this getting-to-know-you conversation, we started talking about what we do for a living. Imagine my delight when she said her company did direct-mail print production. I think she was equally delighted when I told her I had a need for exactly those kinds of services.
When it was her turn to see the doctor, we exchanged business cards and I promised to call. When we spoke the next day, I gave her the spec for the job I needed to get done and she gave me pricing that enabled me to get my project completed within the new budget limitations.
Within a month she had her first order from me. We did business for a number of years, and she continued to offer money-saving suggestions that made me and my boss very happy. We also became good friends, going to concerts and art shows together. Meeting her reminded me that you never know who you’re going to meet, wherever you are!
With the exception of conventions and industry conferences, people in positions of influence tend to stay away from places where they are going to be captured, bound, and pitched. People with money, influence, access, and power know that they’re targets for those who want some or all of those things. It’s therefore not surprising that they don’t tend to go out of their way to put themselves in venues where they’ll encounter more of it.
Don’t misunderstand; there
is
value in getting to know your fellow sellers. You can share company names, discuss insights on marketplace activity, exchange business cards, and talk about each other’s work. And even sellers are sometimes buyers. At the end of the day, though, you are more likely to meet people similar to you at industry or community networking events—sellers trying to meet people who have the authority to buy or who can influence those who do.
However, if you are trying to find qualified leads, you won’t find the best of them at networking events. The real action is in a coffee shop, in a copy shop, in a hair salon, on the sidelines of a high school soccer field, in an office building elevator, or in the waiting room of the car dealership.
Chapter at a Glance
- Traditional networking events tend to attract people searching for influence, not those who have it.
- There is no bad networking, just some that’s more fruitful than others.
- The real action is often in the places you least expect to find it.