Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life (5 page)
Authors: David Topus
Chapter 7
Face It: Nothing Beats the Chemistry of In-Person Communication
As the world goes digital and relationships are increasingly available with the click of a mouse, the opportunities for face-to-face interaction seem to be waning. But that very reason is what makes the value of in-person communication even greater.
In a society that increasingly exists on the Internet, the impact and importance of in-person communication has given way to keyboards, wireless routers, computer screens, and pixels. Most young people don’t think of personal contact first as a way to build relationships. They would be more likely to tweet or “friend.” Yet face-to-face, in-person communication is the richest, most complete form of interaction two people can have. It’s better than a phone conversation, better than an e-mail exchange, and better than a text message, a tweet, a LinkedIn in-message, or Facebook friend request.
We’ve all had the experience of communicating with someone via e-mail, text, or phone, sometimes even over an extended period of time, where we create a visual picture of the person and their personality. Sometimes we even
have
a picture of them. We might think we really know them. Then we meet in person, and WOW—we get a whole new perspective when we’re finally in their physical presence.
Call it chemistry. Call it an energy field or a vibe. But whatever you call it, you surely know what it is. And you no doubt experience it in your everyday life. It’s what motivates you to get together with someone when you have something important to discuss. It’s what causes you to want to meet with someone in person when you really want to get to know him or her. Just seeing the person is not enough, as anyone who has videoconferenced or used Skype can attest. Admittedly, seeing someone via video is better than only hearing the person’s voice, and generally better than interacting in writing. However, if you’ve ever met someone in person
after
having a video or Skype exchange, you realize the power of in-person chemistry.
Unfortunately, this growing emphasis on social networking means that a lot of people are missing the chance to make high-quality connections and form solid relationships. And as fewer people practice face-to-face networking, they also lose the chance to hone the skills that it requires. Some people are more introverted than others: they don’t like to reach out to complete strangers. It’s intimidating, awkward, unfamiliar, and threatening to them. Yet as with any skill, the more you practice it, the easier it gets—and the better you become at it. Making a point of talking to strangers, building rapport with new connections, and cultivating face-to-face relationships will strengthen your ability to do so. Shaking someone’s hand, looking that person in the eyes, sharing physical space, and exchanging mutually respectful conversation will become more comfortable and enriching every time you do these things.
In-person communication is packed with information about the other person and what makes him or her tick. Your ability to observe and gauge the other person’s responses can tell you how he or she really feels and what he or she truly thinks. Unlike online networking, face-to-face interaction provides more—and more fruitful—information. Being in someone’s presence lets you look into that person’s eyes, watch physical movements, and hear the subtleties of the voice. And although you can pick up voice clues on the phone, in-person communication offers a complete “information package.” You can witness the other person’s body language and reactions to what you say. You can discern subtle changes in skin tone and breathing patterns, as well as an entire range of information signals that are available only in face-to-face communication. You can more easily discern the impact that your communication is having when the other party’s eyes dart away based on something you just said. When someone takes a deep breath (which
is
noticeable on the phone but not as easily recognized when you’re in person), you gain insight into how that person is reacting. When someone shifts his or her body posture in response to something you say, you pick up valuable clues about the content of your conversation and the effect you are having.
You assess much of this information about others—information that lets us know who they are, what they think, how they
really
feel—on an unconscious level. Our brains are able to ascertain large amounts of data on levels of which we are not even aware. But you have to be in the other person’s physical space to recognize it.
Bottom line: when it comes to making valuable business connections and leveraging them into mutually profitable relationships, the money’s in the face-to-face meeting. With only few exceptions, if someone is going to hire you, he or she is going to want to meet you in person, even if you’ve previously met on a video chat. If an investor is going to plunk down hard-earned money into your company, he or she is going to want to get together with you in the flesh, probably a number of times. If someone is going to buy your product or service, he or she is going to want more than just having you as a name in his or her LinkedIn connections. All of these people are going to want to see you, feel you (well, sort of), and gain those subtle insights about you—clues that come through only in in-person, face-to-face interactions.
Chapter at a Glance
- Face-to-face interaction is the richest, most meaningful interaction two people can have.
- Even videoconferencing doesn’t convey the fullness of one’s personality and character.
- When we are in someone else’s physical presence, there is a chemistry that deepens connection.
- Important business deals almost always require an in-person meeting.
Chapter 8
Anonymity—A Random Connector’s Greatest Advantage
Lest you think strangers are less willing to share information, think again. They’re very often
more
forthright, as counterintuitive as this may seem. Anonymity actually works to your advantage during a random encounter, because people are surprisingly more eager to share facts about themselves with someone they don’t know than with people they do. They simply assume they’ll never see or hear from you again, and until names are exchanged, you’re still a complete stranger. And that means you’re safe. They will therefore tell you things they would never tell someone who came to see them in their office and give you information they’d never give a colleague. But they’ll share it with you because, after all, it’s all under the veil of anonymity—and as far as they know, it will continue to be.
In the first few moments of a random exchange, you don’t know the other person and he or she doesn’t know you. It’s safe. It’s comfortable. In these situations, you can find out a great deal about others—what they do for a living, what company they work for, even where they live, where they’re from, and where they’re going. You might even find out what’s important to them, whether they’re happy with their life circumstances, and what they do and don’t like about their work, home, company, and more.
Under the shared veil of anonymity, you can offer up bits and pieces of your life, too, so all is fair. You’re not building a dossier; you’re merely exchanging information about yourself with each other without feeling threatened or invaded. The level of comfort and trust remains as you continue in conversation and lob back and forth even more information. Yet you still don’t know each other’s names.
Then comes a time to actually “meet.” The hand goes out for shaking, along with “My name is. . .” In that moment the conversation shifts to another plane. By this point you have already shared information in both directions and established trust, and the possibilities for the relationship begin to come into view.
From here, with the foundation in place, you can take the conversation to the next level, exploring and discovering what is possible between you. So much for believing that people won’t share information with strangers!
Chapter at a Glance
- People are more likely to share information about themselves when they are anonymous.
- You can gain a lot of insight about someone before you even introduce yourself.
- Once the information is shared, you have a solid foundation for expanding the relationship.
Chapter 9
We’re All Connected
Whatever it is that you want—a new client, a better job or career, a business of your own, more money, a wider social circle—you can’t get it alone. No one can. We need each other to achieve our goals and dreams. Howard Schultz didn’t make Starbucks into a global coffee company all by himself. Jack Welch didn’t make GE one of the most valuable companies in the history of American business sitting alone in his office. Oprah Winfrey didn’t become “Oprah” single-handedly. They all needed others to make it happen. They may get all the glory (and take all the credit), but their list of acknowledgments is no doubt deep and long.
That’s why random networking works. It always has been, and always will be, through others that we achieve our objectives and realize our hopes. That’s the power of synchronicity. You need something, and presto, it shows up in the person sitting next to you. There’s something someone else needs, and poof, there you are for him or her.
Synchronicity is the reason this book is in your hands right now. About a year ago I was sitting next to someone on a flight, a complete stranger who was deeply immersed in a spiral-bound notebook. He was reading intensely and making notes, occasionally staring up in thought, and then adding sentences and commentary to the pages.
What is he working on?
I wondered.
A business plan? A brochure? A presentation?
I didn’t want to interrupt his concentration, so I knew I would have to wait for the right moment to initiate conversation. So when he took a break from his intense focus, I seized the moment. “Wow, that looks like a pretty intense project you’re working on,” I said in an empathetic and respectful way, to show that I know what it’s like to be immersed in an intensely creative project.
Well, indeed it was. This man turned out to be an author with two cookbooks to his credit who was planning a strategy for his newest restaurant. Nothing could have been more relevant—and no one could have been more valuable—to me in that moment than an author who had connections with book publishers. I had been looking for a literary expert to represent and advise me on my book, and I wasn’t sure how to proceed.
“You could call my agent,” he said. “And tell her I suggested you get in touch. She’s one of the best—and delightful to work with,” he added. I did call her as soon as I got home, and indeed she guided, coached, and represented me.
Synchronicity emerged again months later. I was at a copy shop in midtown Manhattan and struck up a conversation with a woman who was printing what appeared to be a manuscript. “Looks like you might be writing a book,” I remarked.
“Sure am, in between waitressing and recording music,” she said.
“How exciting!” I replied. “What’s the topic, and how’s it going?” I asked.
“Well, it’s for young adults, and it’s going fine, except I just need to find an agent to help me get it published.”
Needless to say, I was delighted to provide one for her, and that random encounter gave this woman what may very well be the biggest opportunity of her lifetime, not to mention a book that may enhance the lives of hundreds of thousands of teens around the world. All this was possible because of synchronicity and the willingness to pierce the veil of autonomy and talk to a stranger.
We are far more dependent on each other than we even realize. Did you accomplish
your
greatest achievements by yourself? How many others contributed to or influenced your success, either directly or indirectly? Go so far as to think back to your childhood; didn’t your teachers, friends, friends’ parents, coaches, or maybe a boss or mentor help you in some way?
If you still don’t believe that you need others to achieve your goals and dreams, you won’t be inclined to reach out to them—in random encounters or otherwise. And you will sadly miss the opportunities that surround you every day. It is in most people’s natures to want to help others. It gives us a sense of purpose and of accomplishment. It just feels good. Helping each other is what makes the world go ’round.
CASE STUDY: Synchronicity turned a leisurely cigar conversation at a downtown Chicago smoking lounge into a major business deal for Andy T. and Jim N.
As Jim tells it:
Nearly a year ago, my business partner was enjoying a cigar at a downtown Chicago cigar store and smoking lounge—an ideal setting for conversation on any subject you may imagine. He began chatting with a fellow smoker, a complete stranger, sharing opinions about their favorite cigars, where they buy them, and where they smoke them. After building some rapport, the conversation eventually turned to business, and the fellow cigar smoker found my partner’s business intriguing. He suggested my partner call a colleague of his named Fred who might be very interested in learning more about our company. He gave my partner Fred’s phone number, and my partner turned it over to me for follow-up.
Not wanting to pass up a potential business opportunity, I called Fred who—as it turns out—was a senior vice president at a major supermarket chain with stores across the United States and Europe. His company would be a great target for our product. I learned about a new potential customer and was introduced to other decision makers in Fred’s organization. Had we made that connection only through the introduction by the fellow cigar smoker, it would have been a great story. However, Fred was just about to leave his position with the supermarket chain and was going to launch his own business. We worked with him on his business plan, but he was offered a senior job at another supermarket chain just as he was about to launch it. In the interim, Fred had introduced us to his business partner for the company he was going to start, who also had contacts at leading supermarkets throughout the world. As it turned out, Fred took the new job and will hopefully become a customer. But his business partner has joined forces with our company and is selling our products to customers across the country. None of this would’ve happened had it not been for the chance encounter that my partner had with a fellow cigar smoker on the North Shore of Chicago. You just never know who will be on the other end of that first handshake with a stranger and where it will lead.
Chapter at a Glance
- We need each other to achieve our goals and dreams; we can’t do it alone.
- Even those who get the credit for creating great things will ultimately admit they needed others to make it happen.
- It is human nature to want to help others.
- When we help one another, we tap into the magic of synchronicity.