Talk to Strangers: How Everyday, Random Encounters Can Expand Your Business, Career, Income, and Life (8 page)

Chapter 14

Seize the Moment

Based on your assessment of the other person’s level of availability combined with your degree of readiness, there is that split second during which you initiate contact. This is that instant when you transition from complete stranger into a potential relationship. It happens when one of you says something to the other. And there is
always
something to say when you want to connect. The key is choosing a phrase or greeting that will engage and resonate with the other person.

Once you are in close enough proximity to someone to talk—and once you have assessed the other person’s willingness to converse—what you say will depend on a variety of factors. Sometimes you can use scripted opening lines, statements, or questions that will initiate conversation in just about any venue or situation. For example, I think people have been talking to one another about the weather ever since we have been able to utter the words, “Looks like rain on the way” and “Beautiful day, huh?” Although this is okay for starters, it’s rather trite and overused, and it generally doesn’t lead to a productive follow-on conversation. Ideally, you will want to capture the freshness of the moment, commenting or remarking on something that is happening around you both (other than the weather). It is a discovery process from that point on, one where you guide the interaction toward finding out about each other and discovering whether there is a basis for further communication.

The key to making opening statements is in saying something appropriate to the moment, something that will connect you with the other person and ideally begin to allow you to assess whether and how this might be someone with whom you could have a mutually productive relationship. Your opening statement could be about the other person’s experience in the current circumstance,
your
experience in the current situation, or your shared experience. It can be about a conversation clue you spotted, such as a company logo, a lapel pin, or a binder. You can also ask a question. Drawing attention to the environment (again, this doesn’t mean the weather) by making an observation about it is a great way to start a dialogue. If you’re standing in a line somewhere waiting to order and you, along with everyone around you, are aware that the service is particularly slow, pointing to the workers and saying something like, “I think if they gave everyone a 50-cent hourly raise we might all be moving along a little faster,” would capture a common moment in the environment. It would also establish rapport, because you would be aligning with others’ circumstance and state of mind. On the other hand, if you are having a great customer service experience, making an observation about it to the person you want to connect with, something along the lines of “There’s a reason this company consistently ranks among the best firms to work for,” would more than likely gain agreement and provide a starting point for a conversation. Asking a question is also effective. Both of these break the ice, enabling you to gauge the person’s availability for further interaction—and set a direction for the conversation.

It is difficult to proscribe an opening line; the best ones capture something about what is happening in the moment, making them almost impossible to script ahead of time. For example, I met the head of a major human resources consulting firm while on a flight simply by remarking on how adroitly she got in and out of the row we were sitting in when she got up from her seat. She looked like an interesting person, so I wanted to strike up a conversation and find out more about her. I noticed at the same time that, unlike a novice traveler, she got in and out of her seat without pulling herself up with the seatback in front of her. “I can tell you’re a veteran traveler,” I said. “You must spend a lot of time on airplanes.” Surprised by my observation and insight, she smiled and said, “Well, yes, actually I do. How could you tell?” And we were off and running from there. I explained to her how I had made that observation about her, what it suggested to me, how so many novices yank the seatback, and how refreshing it is to be sitting next to a travel pro. In making this observation and sharing it, I (1) initiated contact in a nonthreatening, complimentary way; (2) established my credibility by demonstrating that I was insightful; and (3) was able to transition into learning more about her by asking, “What has you traveling so much, business or pleasure?”

An ideal and appropriate opening statement if you’re in a coffee shop is, unsurprisingly, about coffee; how much you like it, what kind you like, tips for making it, how many different kinds there are, a certain specialty beverage that this place makes particularly well, how it makes you feel, how much you drink. . . the list goes on and on. Just use your caffeinated imagination to fuel the list of remarks you could make.

“I couldn’t help but notice. . .” is a fabulous way to gently insert yourself into what otherwise would be someone else’s business. This statement implies that you weren’t
intending
to be nosy, but you just couldn’t resist noticing/stating/observing—and who could, given the intriguing nature of whatever the other person is saying or doing?

Opening statements or questions needn’t be profound or complex. To the contrary, a simple comment or observation creates the common human experience, neutral as it is. Sometimes a highly personal comment proves most effective, because it shows you’re willing to reveal something. This in turn gives the other person permission to reveal something as well. It also shows your transparency, which identifies you as safe and credible to the other party.

Every venue offers something to which you can relate or remark upon. I was once on an elevator and shared with the other passenger (in a friendly, wondrous way) that I dream about being on elevators that go sideways. Lo and behold, she said she did, too, and from that moment on we were on our way—in more ways than one. “Do you spend a lot of time on elevators?” I asked, moving toward uncovering what she does for a living. Turns out she manages a team of service technicians, and that conversation led me to the name of the vice president of service for a friend of mine who was in the job market for such a position.

I also recently met a woman on the subway. And by the way, I could have taken a cab that day, but knew I would be more likely to meet people if I put myself in public transportation. She was carrying (dare I say, struggling with) her roller suitcase down a long flight of stairs. She was already toward the bottom by the time I noticed her, so it was too late to offer to help. However, I did manage to make one simple comment that drew the biggest smile I saw all day—and triggered a conversation that went on for the following 20 minutes. I simply said, “They should invent a rolling suitcase for walking down stairs.” It was a perfect way to show empathy for her circumstance, and it led into the most natural conversation about how much she travels, why she travels, what she does for work, and what other kind of inventions we could imagine to make travel easier.

I discovered that this woman works for a major fast food franchises opening new stores, hiring key personnel, and designing marketing programs for the launch. What a perfect connection for me. Now I have a friend, a contact, and a potential new client.

Because most of us are interacting with some form of technology while we’re traveling (laptop, Bluetooth, BlackBerry, or iPhone), making a statement about whatever tool this is can serve as the perfect conversation opener. For example, you could say something to someone working on the latest iPhone release along the lines of: “That’s a nice piece of technology; is it everything I hear it is?” This is a natural and effective opening question to a conversation. And of course, “How do you like your (fill in type of technology)?” is the grand slam of conversation starters. Everyone has an opinion about whatever they’re using, whether it’s their laptop, smartphone, Bluetooth, tablet, or any other piece of electronic gear. This is an incredibly effective conversation starter for turning random encounters into profitable business relationships because it leads so naturally into a question about what the other person uses it
for
—which, in turn, enables you to uncover what kind of profession the person is in. We’ll talk more about that later.

It’s important to try to match the other person’s verbal and nonverbal behavior. If the person tends to use short sentences, follow suit. If the person is walking slowly, you naturally will have to mirror that pace to carry on a conversation. Most people tend to like those who are similar. Ask more questions than you make statements. And try to listen more than you talk.

Show sensitivity to and awareness of the other person as much as possible. Any positive comment you can make about the other person allows you to accomplish this. You can never go wrong with a compliment: nice suit, nice shoes, nice tie, nice purse, nice ring, nice briefcase, and so on. These will get you going in a great conversation direction.

Your opening statement creates the comfort and trust that’s so important in a random encounter and sets the stage for further conversation.
Table 14.1
lists some possibilities for opening statements to use—and to avoid—based on various venues. Maybe you could think of some of your own for both columns!

Table 14.1
Conversation Starters: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly