Test Drive (Crossroads Book 3) (23 page)

It was better than hearing him moan, and hurt. Even when he stepped into another room, his dad’s struggle to breathe and the hum of the oxygen tank were constantly in his head. Those sounds never went away.

He hadn’t left Joy’s in days. Shanen, Jacob, Rod, and Landon were all staying there as well. His dad’s hospital bed was set up in Joy’s room. Rod and Landon were in Landon’s childhood bedroom and Jacob and Shanen in hers. No one wanted to miss any time because they all knew that soon he wouldn’t have any left. The hospice nurse said it could be hours or days.

How the fuck did you accept something like that? That someone you love could be gone within a week?

He’d spent hours on the phone with his mom. She wanted to come, to support him, but he knew it would be hard for her, and Justin didn’t want that.

So instead he lingered in the corner of the room, watching as everyone stood around the hospital bed. There were moments of quiet, of laughter as they shared stories and talked about the past. They asked Justin to share memories with them of their dad from when he was a kid. They smiled and laughed and cried while he did, and he appreciated that it mattered enough to include him, but really he felt like a ticking fucking time bomb ready to explode.

The air in the room was too thick—too heavy with death and pain and regret, and Justin knew if he didn’t get out of there, the bomb would detonate.

“I’ll be back,” he mumbled.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Rod asked. He appreciated the gesture but waved him off.

He couldn’t be around anyone. He needed to be alone.

The second he stepped outside, Justin sucked in a lungful of air, as though he’d been starving for it. There was a chill that did nothing to cool the raging fire inside him.

He didn’t think. Didn’t plan. Just pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed.

“Hey you,” Drew answered on the second ring.

“It’s not fair. Jesus, it’s not fucking fair, Drew. How the fuck are we supposed to do this? Why should Landon and Shanen lose him when they just got him back? I feel like I’m going out of my goddamned mind in this house, but I can’t leave either. What if I go and he passes and I miss it? What if I’m not there?” He crossed the yard. Breathed like a wild bull. He was frantic and wide-eyed and so fucking angry.

“I’m so sorry. I—”

“Fuck!” Justin cut Drew off. He leaned against a tree, slid down it until he sat in the slightly-wet grass. It must have rained earlier and he hadn’t even known it. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to lay all this at your feet. Hell, I was just a guy you jerked off in a club and now I’m putting all my shit at your feet.”

“Maybe that’s all you were then but you know that’s not what you are now. Don’t pretend you don’t know that, baby. Let me come there. Let me be with you.”

“No.” Justin shook his head, but he wanted that. He really fucking wanted it. The second he’d told Drew no about talking with hospice the other day, he’d wished he hadn’t. “You can’t want to be here for this. You shouldn’t
have
to be here for this.” Who wants to be there when someone dies? He wouldn’t put that on Drew because Justin couldn’t help himself from depending on him.

“Jacob is there. Rod is there.”

“They aren’t allowed a pass. They’re in love with my siblings.”

“Don’t.” There was a rough bite to Drew’s voice. “Don’t pretend you don’t know that I’m in love with you. Every fucking thing that Rod would do for Landon, or that Jacob would do for Shanen, I’d do for you. I want to be where you are. I want to support you. Tell me you know that.”

And he did. Fuck, he really did.

Justin held the phone against his ear with his shoulder. With the palms of his hands, he rubbed his eyes. This incredible man had just told Justin that he was in love with him. He wanted to say it back. To jump for joy but the pain was still too heavy. It held him down.

“I didn’t want to say it. I know now’s not the time, and like we said before, I don’t expect you to be able to sort your feelings out right now, but I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending I don’t know my feelings. I’m tired of skirting around them. I’m in love with you, Justin. I want to be there with you. I want to be by your side. I want to be the one who gives you what you need.”

God help him but Justin wanted that too. He thought maybe he needed it. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. Sorry he couldn’t make himself admit that he felt the same way Drew did. Sorry that he needed him.

“Don’t be sorry. Just don’t shut me out. I’ve never been afraid to go for what I want, Justin. You have to know how much I want you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Christ, Drew was a good man. Every word out of the man’s mouth was real, and Justin knew that…and he felt damn lucky to be on the receiving end of it.

When Justin opened his mouth, the truth that he’d kept hidden behind all the pain came rolling out. “I need you,” he whispered. “Christ, I really fucking need you. I keep telling myself I shouldn’t. That it’s not fair and it’s not your place, but I need you, Drew. I need you.” He couldn’t stop saying those last three words.

Drew’s response was immediate. “I’m on my way.”

Justin dropped the phone into his lap and closed his eyes.

He was in love with Drew. He didn’t know how it happened, but he knew it was okay. His dad was dying, but it was okay to feel something good too. It was okay for him to need Drew. It had to be, because there was no changing the fact that he did.

***

Drew’s stomach rolled the whole time he drove to Joy’s house. He’d never done this, never seen someone dying…but there was nothing that he wanted more than to be there for Justin, either. To be his rock, his punching bag, his solace to calm the storm that was no doubt living inside of him. How could it not be?

As he made his way there, he picked up the phone and called Robyn. He’d been out running errands when he’d spoken to Justin.

“Invincible, can I help you?”

“Hey, Robyn, it’s Drew.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked immediately, and he found himself thankful to have such a great employee and friend working for him.

“Justin’s dad isn’t doing well. I’m going to go be with him. I don’t know what’s going to happen over the next few days, weeks, hell, I just don’t fucking know. No matter what, I need to put him first.”

Robyn’s response was immediate. “Do you remember when I was pregnant with Nathan? I’d just started working for you and I was incredibly sick. I couldn’t hold anything down and I was scared to death I’d lose this job. Since his father wanted nothing to do with us, I needed to work. You were great. You did everything in your power to make it easy on me, and also to let me know that I’d always have a job. You were there for me, and you know I’ll be there for you. We’ll figure everything out here. You just take care of that man of yours.”

As much as he appreciated her words, they made his heart pinch at the same time. Justin wasn’t really his. There was a good chance he’d be leaving soon. “Thanks, Robyn. You’re the best.”

He ended the call and tossed the phone onto the seat beside him. Now wasn’t the time to think about Justin and their future.

When he pulled into the driveway, the first thing he saw was Justin sitting on the ground, his back against a tree. It was misting out, not real rain but enough moisture in the air that he had to be feeling it against his skin.

He wore a short-sleeved shirt, his arms wrapped around his legs, looking down. Drew’s chest went tight, a heavy ache settling in. Justin looked broken. Lost. Scared. And goddamn he wanted to fix it. To bear the pain for him.

When he turned the key and the engine died, Justin looked up, the searing agony in his stare slicing through Drew.

He got out of the truck and walked over, planting his ass in the wet grass beside Justin. He didn’t say a word. Didn’t have to. Drew just put his arm around Justin and pulled him close. Justin buried his face in Drew’s neck and whispered, “Thank you for coming,” against his skin.

“There’s nowhere else I’d be.”

Surprisingly, he felt Justin smile into his neck. “You’re good at this. I bet you say that to all the guys…and women.”

They both chuckled quietly, but it was a façade to try and hide the chaos he had to be living inside.

“I don’t know how to do this,” Justin finally said.

“I know, baby.” He kissed the top of Justin’s head. “We’ll figure it out together. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know you won’t.”

They sat there together, mist coming down from the heavy clouds in the sky. He’d sit out here with Justin all night if he had to.

They’d hardly left the house in three days. It was cramped—Justin and Drew sleeping together on the floor because the couch wasn’t big enough for both of them. Larry slept nearly all the time, the morphine giving him peace. Each time he woke up, one of them would speak to him alone…say their goodbyes. He didn’t know what Justin had said when they spoke but he didn’t need to. It was between him and his father and no one else.

It was hard for Drew to put together that the man in the bed was the same man he’d watched ride a motorcycle with Justin not long ago. It was hard to comprehend how fast the change could come. How could someone go from living his life to actively dying so quickly? Logically he’d known Larry was dying the whole time, but that day? Watching him with his family, he’d been pulsing with life as he soaked in those last memories.

Drew had thought he would feel out of place here—like a trespasser hiding out on someone else’s land, but he loved Justin, and that made him belong.

He looked up to see his brother and Shanen whispering to each other in the kitchen. They leaned against the fridge, facing one another. Shanen’s arms were crossed, her eyes were red and swollen. She’d cried off and on ever since Drew arrived.

Drew could feel Jacob’s love for her—his support, and it made him damn proud to be Jacob’s brother. This would be something that brought them closer together—loving someone while they dealt with death.

It was late morning but the house was dim. It smelled like coffee and pain.

Drew pulled his eyes away from Jacob and Shanen until they landed on Landon and Rod. They were playing a game of cards at the coffee table. The deck had little dicks all over it, and there was no doubt in his mind they were courtesy of Rod.

They whispered when they spoke as well, hushed voices filled with pain.

Joy was in the bedroom, sitting in a chair beside Larry’s bed. She rarely left his side. Jesus, the world was fucked up sometimes. They clearly loved each other. Justin had told him about their past, about the way they’d hurt each other and he obviously knew that Larry had left them and disappeared. Sometimes people hurt the ones they love and as much as he wished that wasn’t the case, without their tragedy, there would be no Justin. Without Drew’s rocky relationship with Jacob, he might not have been in that bar the night of the wedding, and maybe things between him and Jacob would be different now.

Life was messy. It was ugly and painful and hurtful, but sometimes beautiful things were born out of tragedy.

He ran his hand through Justin’s short hair. Drew sat on the floor, his back against the wall, Justin’s head in his lap, much the way they’d slept that night at the gym. Only then, he’d been the one lying down. The one with a hand in his hair.

Justin breathed deeply, getting a much needed nap as sleep had been scarce.

He heard a gasp from the other room, before Joy said, “Hey you,” in a soft voice.

Drew kept his eyes on Joy as she leaned over the bed, her ear close to his mouth. A blanket of pain dropped over the house as he watched her, and knew, fucking knew what she would say.

“Landon, Shanen, Justin, come in here please,” she said and Drew’s insides crumbled. Turned to dust.

Justin’s eyes jerked open, before Drew had the chance to wake him.

Shanen made it to the room first, with Jacob right beside her. Landon next, Rod right there with him for support. When Justin made it to his feet, he turned and looked at Drew with so much raw emotion in his eyes, that it stole his breath.

Drew stood, and then the two of them walked side-by-side into the room.

The man lying in the bed looked like he’d aged a hundred years…. but then as his eyes floated around the room—from Joy, to Shanen and Jacob, to Landon and Rod, and finally coming to rest on Justin and Drew…he fucking smiled. Smiled a smile that made him glow. Made him look twenty years old again.

He had the people he loved around him and Drew couldn’t think of a better way to go.

“Remember what I said,” he whispered to Justin, who nodded his head.

Somehow, Drew knew those would be the last words he spoke. He watched Larry take in his three children, his eyes fluttering back and forth for what felt like hours. They all watched him as well, silent tears spilling onto the bed. He closed his eyes.

They waited beside the bed, watching his chest rise and fall as he struggled to breathe. Drew’s heart broke when he recognized the wet sound of the death rattle he’d read about online. Each breath was rough, raspy, shallower…slower…until he went silent. He didn’t breathe at all.

He was gone.

Justin let his head rest against the cold window of Drew’s truck. His father had passed away a few hours before. He hadn’t cried. He didn’t know why, but he hadn’t. Everyone else did and he felt like he’d somehow wronged his father because no tears had come.

He was crushed, devastated, cut open with the loss, but he hadn’t cried. They’d each taken their turns to say their goodbyes. Joy had called hospice. Justin called his mom. It was as though they ran through a list of things they had to do, but Justin hadn’t put crying on his.

“Thank you for being there. That can’t be easy, watching someone die. Christ, I feel like all I’m doing lately is thanking you.” His voice was raw, harsh even to his own ears.

“Then stop,” Drew told him. “You have nothing to thank me for. You would have done the same thing for me.”