The Comedy of Errors (10 page)

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Here, go — the desk, the purse! Sweet, now, make haste.

LUCIANA
    How hast thou lost thy breath?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    By running fast.

ADRIANA
    Where is thy master, Dromio? Is he well?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    No, he’s in
Tartar limbo
³⁵
, worse than hell.

A devil in an
everlasting
³⁶
garment hath him,

One whose hard heart is
buttoned up with steel
³⁷
:

A fiend, a
fairy
, pitiless and
rough
³⁸
,

A wolf, nay, worse, a
fellow all in buff
³⁹
,

A
back-friend
, a
shoulder-clapper
, one that
countermands
⁴⁰

The passages of alleys, creeks and narrow lands,

A hound that runs counter, and yet draws dryfoot well,

One that before the judgement carries poor souls to hell.

ADRIANA
    Why, man, what is the matter?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I do not know the matter, he is ’rested on the case.

ADRIANA
    What, is he arrested? Tell me at whose suit?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I know not at whose suit he is arrested well,

But is in a suit of buff which ’rested him, that can I tell.

Will you send him, mistress, redemption, the money in his desk?

ADRIANA
    Go fetch it, sister. This I wonder at,

That he, unknown to me, should be in debt.

Tell me, was he arrested on a band?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Not on a band, but on a stronger thing:

A chain, a chain, do you not hear it ring?

ADRIANA
    What, the chain?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    No, no, the bell, ’tis time that I were gone.

It was two ere I left him, and now the clock strikes one.

ADRIANA
    The hours come back! That did I never hear.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    O, yes, if any hour meet a sergeant, a turns

back for very fear.

ADRIANA
    As if time were in debt. How fondly dost thou reason.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Time is a very bankrupt, and owes more than he’s worth to season.

Nay, he’s a thief too: have you not heard men say

That Time comes
stealing
⁶⁴
on by night and day?

If a be
in
debt and
theft
⁶⁵
, and a sergeant in the way,

Hath he not reason to
turn back an hour
⁶⁶
in a day?

ADRIANA
    Go, Dromio, there’s the money, bear it straight,

And bring thy master home immediately.

Come, sister, I am
pressed down
with
conceit
⁶⁹
:

Conceit, my
comfort and my injury.
⁷⁰

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    There’s not a man I meet but doth
salute
¹
me

As if I were their well-acquainted friend,

And everyone doth call me by my name:

Some
tender
⁴
money to me, some invite me,

Some other give me thanks for kindnesses,

Some offer me commodities to buy.

Even now a tailor called me in his shop,

And showed me silks that he had bought for me,

And therewithal took measure of my body.

Sure these are but imaginary
wiles
¹⁰
,

And
Lapland
¹¹
sorcerers inhabit here.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Master, here’s the gold you sent me for.

What,
have you got the picture of old Adam new-apparelled?
¹³

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    What gold is this? What Adam dost thou

mean?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Not that
Adam that kept the Paradise
¹⁶
, but

that Adam that keeps the prison: he that goes in the
calf’s
¹⁷

skin that was killed for the Prodigal, he that came behind

you, sir, like an evil angel, and bid you forsake your liberty.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    I understand thee not.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    No? Why, ’tis a
plain case
²¹
: he that went like

a
bass-viol in a case
²²
of leather; the man, sir, that when

gentlemen are tired, gives them a
sob
and
’rests them.
²³
He, sir,

that takes pity on
decayed
men and gives them
suits of
²⁴

durance. He that
sets up his rest
²⁵
to do more exploits with his

mace
than a
morris-pike.
²⁶

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    What, thou mean’st an officer?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Ay, sir, the sergeant of the
band
²⁸
: he that

brings any man to answer
it
that breaks his
band
²⁹
, one that

thinks a man always going to bed, and says, ‘God give you

good
rest
³¹
’.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Well, sir, there
rest in
³²
your foolery. Is

there any ship puts forth tonight? May we be gone?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Why, sir, I brought you word an hour since,

that the bark
Expedition
put forth tonight, and then were you

hindered by the sergeant, to
tarry for the hoy
³⁶
Delay
.

Here are the
angels
³⁷
that you sent for to deliver you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    The fellow is
distract
³⁸
, and so am I,

And here we wander in illusions.

Some blessèd power deliver us from hence!

COURTESAN
    Well met, well met, Master Antipholus.

I see, sir, you have found the goldsmith now.

Is that the chain you promised me today?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Satan
avoid
⁴⁴
, I charge thee tempt me not.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Master, is this Mistress Satan?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    It is the devil.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Nay, she is worse, she is the devil’s
dam
⁴⁷
: and

here she comes in the
habit
of a
light
⁴⁸
wench, and thereof

comes that the wenches say ‘God damn me’, that’s as much

to say, ‘God make me a light wench’. It is written, they appear

to men like angels of light, light is an effect of fire, and fire

will
burn.
Ergo
⁵²
, light wenches will burn. Come not near her.

COURTESAN
    Your man and you are marvellous merry, sir.

Will you go with me? We’ll
mend
our dinner
here.
⁵⁴

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Master, if you do, expect
spoon-meat
⁵⁵
, or

bespeak
⁵⁶
a long spoon.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Why, Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Marry,
he must have a long spoon that must
⁵⁸

eat with the devil.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Avoid then, fiend,
what
⁶⁰
tell’st thou me of supping?

To the Courtesan

Thou art, as
you are all
⁶¹
, a sorceress.

I conjure thee to leave me and be gone.

COURTESAN
    Give me the ring of mine you had at dinner,

Or,
for
⁶⁴
my diamond, the chain you promised,

And I’ll be gone, sir, and not trouble you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Some devils
ask
but the
parings
⁶⁶
of one’s

nail, a
rush
⁶⁷
, a hair, a drop of blood, a pin, a nut, a cherry-

stone. But she, more covetous, would have a chain. Master,

be wise,
an if
⁶⁹
you give it her, the devil will shake her chain

and fright us with it.

COURTESAN
    I pray you, sir, my ring, or else the chain.

I hope you do not mean to cheat me so?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    
Avaunt
⁷³
, thou witch. Come, Dromio, let us go.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    ‘Fly pride’, says the
peacock.
⁷⁴
Mistress, that you know.

COURTESAN
    Now, out of doubt Antipholus is mad,

Else would he never so
demean
⁷⁶
himself.

A ring he hath of mine worth forty ducats,

And for the same he promised me a chain.

Both one and other he denies me now.

The reason that I gather he is mad,

Besides this present instance of his
rage
⁸¹
,

Is a mad tale he told today at dinner,

Of his own doors being shut against his entrance.

Belike
⁸⁴
his wife, acquainted with his fits,

On purpose shut the doors against his way.

My way is now to hie
home
⁸⁶
to his house,

And tell his wife that, being lunatic,

He rushed into my house and took
perforce
⁸⁸

My ring away. This course I
fittest choose
⁸⁹
,

For forty ducats is too much to lose.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Fear me not, man, I will not break away:

I’ll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money

To
warrant thee as I am ’rested for.
³

My wife is in a
wayward
⁴
mood today,

And will not
lightly
⁵
trust the messenger

That I should be
attached
⁶
in Ephesus,

I tell you ’twill sound harshly in her ears.

Here comes my man, I think he brings the money—

How now, sir? Have you that I sent you for?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Here’s that, I warrant you, will
pay
¹⁰
them all.

Gives the rope

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    But where’s the money?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    I’ll
serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
¹⁴

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    To what
end
¹⁵
did I bid thee hie thee home?

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    
To
¹⁶
a rope’s-end, sir, and to that end am I

returned.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    And
to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
¹⁸

Beats him

OFFICER
    Good sir, be patient.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Nay, ’tis for me to be patient, I am in adversity.

OFFICER
    Good now, hold thy tongue.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    Nay, rather persuade him to
hold his hands.
²²

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Thou
whoreson
²³
, senseless villain.

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not

feel your blows.

ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS
    Thou art
sensible in
²⁶
nothing but blows,

and so is an
ass.
²⁷

DROMIO OF EPHESUS
    I am an ass, indeed, you may prove it by my

long ears.
²⁹
I have served him from the hour of my nativity to

this instant, and have nothing at his hands for my service

but blows. When I am cold, he heats me with beating: when

I am warm, he cools me with beating: I am waked with it

when I sleep, raised with it when I sit, driven out of doors

with it when I go from home, welcomed home with it when I

return, nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a beggar
wont her
³⁵

brat, and I think when he hath lamed me, I shall beg with it

from door to door.