The Comedy of Errors (6 page)

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    The gold I gave to Dromio is laid up

Safe at the Centaur, and the
heedful
²
slave

Is wand’red forth,
in care
³
to seek me out

By computation and mine host’s report.
⁴

I
could not speak
⁵
with Dromio since at first

I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.

How now, sir, is your merry humour altered?

As you love
strokes
⁸
, so jest with me again.

You know no Centaur? You received no gold?

Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?

My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,

That thus so madly thou didst answer me?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    What answer, sir? When
spake I
¹³
such a word?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Even now, even here, not half an hour since.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I did not see you since you sent me hence

Home to the Centaur with the gold you gave me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Villain, thou didst deny
the gold’s receipt
¹⁷
,

And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner,

For which I hope thou
felt’st
¹⁹
I was displeased.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I am glad to see you in this merry
vein
²⁰
:

What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Yea, dost thou jeer and flout me
in the teeth?
²²

Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Hold, sir, for God’s sake! Now your jest is
earnest
²⁴
,

Upon what bargain do you give it me?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Because that I familiarly sometimes

Do use you
for
my
fool
²⁷
and chat with you,

Your
sauciness
will
jest upon
²⁸
my love,

And
make a common of my serious hours.
²⁹

When the sun shines, let foolish gnats make
sport
³⁰
,

But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.

If you will jest with me, know my
aspect
³²
,

And
fashion
your
demeanour
³³
to my looks,

Or I will beat this method in your
sconce.
³⁴

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Sconce call you it?
So
³⁵
you would leave

battering
, I had rather have it a head.
An
you use these
blows
³⁶

long, I must get a
sconce
for my head and
ensconce
³⁷
it too, or

else I shall
seek my wit in my shoulders.
³⁸
But I pray, sir, why

am I beaten?

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Dost thou not know?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Nothing, sir, but that I am beaten.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Shall I tell you why?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Ay, sir, and
wherefore
⁴³
; for they say every

why hath a wherefore.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Why, first, for flouting me, and then,

wherefore, for
urging
⁴⁶
it the second time to me.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Was there ever any man thus beaten
out of season
⁴⁷
,

When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor reason?

Well, sir, I thank you.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Thank me, sir, for what?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Marry
, sir, for this
something that you gave
⁵¹

me for nothing.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    I’ll make you amends next,
to give
⁵³
you

nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinner-time?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    No, sir, I think the meat
wants that
⁵⁵
I have.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    
In good time
⁵⁶
, sir. What’s that?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Basting.
⁵⁷

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Well, sir, then ’twill be dry.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    If it be, sir, I pray you eat none of it.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Your reason?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Lest it make you
choleric
⁶¹
and purchase me

another
dry
⁶²
basting.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Well, sir, learn to jest
in good time.
⁶³

There’s a time for all things.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I
durst have denied
⁶⁵
that before you were so

choleric.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    
By what rule
⁶⁷
, sir?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Marry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald

pate of
Father Time
⁶⁹
himself.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Let’s hear it.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    There’s no time for a man to recover his hair

that grows bald by nature.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    May he not do it by
fine and recovery?
⁷³

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Yes, to pay a
fine
for a
periwig
⁷⁴
and recover

the lost
hair
⁷⁵
of another man.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Why is Time
such a niggard
⁷⁶
of hair,

being, as it is, so plentiful an
excrement?
⁷⁷

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Because it is a blessing that he bestows on

beasts, and what he hath
scanted
⁷⁹
men in hair, he hath given

them in wit.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Why, but there’s many a man hath more

hair than wit.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Not a man of those but he
hath the wit to
⁸³

lose his hair.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Why, thou didst conclude hairy men

plain dealers
⁸⁶
without wit.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    The
plainer dealer
⁸⁷
, the sooner lost; yet he

loseth it in a kind of
jollity.
⁸⁸

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    For what reason?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    For
two
, and
sound
⁹⁰
ones too.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Nay, not sound, I pray you.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Sure
⁹²
ones, then.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Nay, not sure in a
thing falsing.
⁹³

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    
Certain
⁹⁴
ones then.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Name them.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    The one, to save the money that he spends

in
tiring
: the other, that at dinner
they
⁹⁷
should not drop in his

porridge.
⁹⁸

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    You would all this time have proved

there is no time for all things.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Marry, and did, sir: namely, in no time to

recover hair lost by nature.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    But your reason was not
substantial
¹⁰³
,

why there is no time to recover.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    Thus I
mend
¹⁰⁵
it: Time himself is bald, and

therefore to the world’s end will have bald followers.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    I knew ’twould be a
bald
¹⁰⁷
conclusion —

but soft, who
wafts
¹⁰⁸
us yonder?

ADRIANA
    Ay, ay, Antipholus, look
strange
¹⁰⁹
and frown,

Some other mistress hath thy sweet
aspects.
¹¹⁰

I am not Adriana nor thy wife.

The time was once when thou
unurged
¹¹²
wouldst vow

That never words were music to thine ear,

That never object pleasing in thine eye,

That never touch well welcome to thy hand,

That never meat sweet-savoured in thy taste,

Unless I spake or looked or touched or
carved
¹¹⁷
to thee.

How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,

That thou art then
estrangèd from thyself?
¹¹⁹

Thy self I call it, being strange to me,

That, undividable,
incorporate
¹²¹
,

Am better than thy dear self’s
better part.
¹²²

Ah, do not tear away thyself from me,

For know, my love, as easy mayst thou
fall
¹²⁴

A drop of water in the
breaking gulf
¹²⁵
,

And take unmingled thence that drop again

Without addition or diminishing,

As take from me thyself, and not me too.
¹²⁸

How
dearly
would it touch thee to the
quick
¹²⁹

Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious,

And that this body,
consecrate
¹³¹
to thee,

By ruffian lust should be contaminate?

Wouldst thou not spit at me, and
spurn
¹³³
at me,

And hurl the name of ‘husband’ in my face,

And tear the
stained
¹³⁵
skin of my harlot brow,

And from my
false
¹³⁶
hand cut the wedding ring,

And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?

I know thou canst, and therefore
see thou do it.
¹³⁸

I am
possessed with
an
adulterate blot
¹³⁹
,

My
blood is mingled
¹⁴⁰
with the crime of lust.

For if we two be one, and thou play false,

I do digest the poison of thy flesh,

Being
strumpeted
¹⁴³
by thy contagion.

Keep then fair league
¹⁴⁴
and truce with thy true bed,

I live
distained
¹⁴⁵
, thou undishonourèd.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:

In Ephesus I am but two hours old,

As strange unto your town as to your talk,

Who
, every word by all my wit being
scanned
¹⁴⁹
,

Wants wit in all one word to understand.
¹⁵⁰

LUCIANA
    Fie,
brother
¹⁵¹
, how the world is changed with you.

When were you
wont
¹⁵²
to use my sister thus?

She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    By Dromio?

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    By me?

ADRIANA
    By thee, and this thou didst
return
¹⁵⁶
from him,

That he did
buffet
¹⁵⁷
thee and in his blows

Denied my house
for
¹⁵⁸
his, me for his wife.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Did you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?

What is the
course and drift
of your
compact?
¹⁶⁰

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I, sir? I never saw her till this time.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    Villain, thou liest, for even her very words

Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.

DROMIO OF SYRACUSE
    I never spake with her in all my life.

ANTIPHOLUS OF SYRACUSE
    How can she thus then call us by our names?

Unless it be by
inspiration.
¹⁶⁶

ADRIANA
    How
ill agrees it
with your
gravity
¹⁶⁷

To
counterfeit
thus
grossly
¹⁶⁸
with your slave,

Abetting
him to
thwart me in my mood.
¹⁶⁹

Be it my wrong you are from me exempt
¹⁷⁰
,

But
wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
¹⁷¹