The Courage to Love Her Army Doc (14 page)

CHAPTER TWELVE

T
HERE
WAS
SOMETHING
different about kissing a woman he was in love with. Something familiar, as if he'd found a missing part of himself, yet with an element of danger attached. He was used to living life on the edge but for once he was actually afraid of what was going to happen to him at the end of this. There was no stopping this now when the momentum was carrying him ever forward into new territory, but that didn't mean he wasn't going to get hurt somewhere along the line.

There were reasons he didn't get close to people and falling in love was probably the worst thing he could've done. It made him weak, susceptible to more heartache. Before going to the army he'd been too young to get serious with a girl, too single-minded about his career. After his retirement the layers of guilt and self-pity had been too dense for anyone to fight through them to reach his heart. Somehow Emily had found a path straight to that vulnerable spot and it was too late to plug that hole in his defences now.

He'd spent too long running from any form of affection, pre-empting the possibility when there was a chance he'd have his insides ripped apart again. The woman he loved was giving herself to him and now there was nowhere left to run. No reason to run. Any other man wouldn't think twice about letting this play out and enjoy this experience, instead of fearing it. He wanted to be that man, for himself and for Emily, and listen to his heart instead of his head for once. They both deserved a bit of honesty in their feelings for each other, even if they couldn't find the words to express it. He would deal with the consequences later. They couldn't be any more painful than ending this here and not knowing what they could've had. Even for the briefest time.

He could feel goosebumps on her skin under his fingers; the hard points of her nipples pressing against his chest. There was no denying she was as turned on as he was but she was still tense. It was his job, his pleasure to help her relax and enjoy this time with him.

He already knew how responsive she was to his touch so he cupped her breast in his hand and rolled her tight nipple between his finger and thumb. Her gasp of pleasure strengthened his resolve, and his erection. Soon they'd be so consumed with need and lust that nothing else would matter except coming together, and that's exactly how he wanted it.

He wrapped his lips around that sensitive pink nub, teased her with the tip of his tongue to claim his breathy reward. She clung to his shoulders, her nails digging further into his skin with every lap of his tongue. The sharp pain was worth it to see the ecstasy on her face and feel the tension leave her body. It was addictive.

He slid his hand down between her legs and into her wet heat. She was ready for him, her body trembling from need now with every stroke.

‘What about protection?' Emily gasped as he lowered her to the floor.

Joe scrabbled for his shorts and pulled a condom from his pocket.

‘I always carry one. They're an essential part of a survival kit. You can use them for carrying water and keeping tinder dry.' He didn't want her to think sex was nothing special to him, something he took for granted. Tonight it was everything.

‘I think we should probably go down the traditional route and use them as they were intended.' She giggled and took the packet from him to rip it open.

Joe sheathed himself and settled himself between her thighs, slightly nervous himself now since they'd been building toward this moment for so long. Emily lifted her head and kissed him, bringing him back down to the ground with her. Sliding into her, forging their two bodies together was the most natural thing in the world. Nothing was ever going to come close to replacing this feeling of complete happiness. Part of him didn't think he deserved it, while another part never wanted it to end.

He moved slowly inside her, each second of her tight heat a gift he intended to treasure.

He loved her. He couldn't have her. The unfairness of it all drove him to find his peace, every thrust inside her bringing him closer to finding it. She was his sanctuary and he wanted to be hers too. Her body rocked against his, rising and falling in perfect time with him, climbing towards that peak. Every bite of her lip, every moan, every clench and release of her internal muscles charted her journey and Joe wanted to be the one to help her reach that final destination. He braced himself on the cold, hard floor, not caring about anything except watching that bliss play out over her features, and slammed into her again. Emily cried out, clutched him closer and he felt her break apart beneath him. Only then did he give in to his own climax, the primal roar of his release echoing around the walls.

There was a lump in his throat as he looked down at Emily, so beautifully serene beneath him. If he were a different person, in a different life, they could've had this every day. Instead, all they had was until the end of this storm. For both their sakes there was no choice but to let his love die with the embers of the fire. Forever wasn't an option.

Emily lay quietly while Joe spooned in behind her, afraid to speak in case she burst into tears and ruined the mood. This was a monumental moment for her, though she hadn't realised until just now. She had finally moved on from Greg, from her marriage, in the most spectacular fashion—by giving herself completely to someone else. She'd held nothing back here with Joe and perhaps for the first time in her life had truly been at peace, with herself, with him and with what they were doing. Hidden away here, they no longer had to be concerned about outside influences. For this snapshot in time they were able to be true to themselves and each other. When insecurities and obstacles were stripped away they were simply two people who had a very special connection. One that had sparked to life and delivered more than she'd ever dreamed of.

This had been more than sex, even though that was all it ever
could
be. It didn't matter how great they were together or how they felt about each other because it wasn't going to last. This was probably the last time she would ever feel complete happiness because when this was over she'd have to return to her world of playing it safe. It was the only way she could survive.

Joe snuggled into her neck, his warmth reminding her he was still hers for now. She closed her eyes and clung to the thick forearm wrapped around her waist. It wouldn't do any harm to let the fantasy go on a little longer. After all, she was good at this pretending lark.

* * *

Emily was jolted from a peaceful slumber by a shout and Joe thrashing on the ground beside her. He tossed and turned, mumbling incoherently as he battled some unknown force in his sleep. She couldn't see his face as it was dark outside and the fire barely more than a glow. It was chilly now they didn't have the heat of passion keeping them warm.

She pulled on her now dry clothes and knelt to add more kindling to the fire. A smile played on her lips as she hugged her knees, watching the embers catch and resurrect the flames. It was representative of what Joe had done for her—taking her dying heart and sparking it back to life. She knew he felt it too, and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't hoping they could do this again. Okay, a long-term relationship might not be viable, given his lifestyle, but he was a traveller and there was no reason he couldn't add England to his list of places to visit. Right now hooking up a couple of times a year seemed preferable to never having this again.

Another flash of lightning illuminated the cave, the crack of thunder ripping through the air after it. Joe was sitting upright, naked, panting and sweating. He was staring off into the distance almost in a trance, his face a mask of utter terror. This was more than a nightmare, he was living this horror right here and now. She moved slowly to his side and rested her hand on his arm, his skin clammy beneath her touch.

‘Joe? It's all right. You're here with me.' She tried not to spook him but gently coax him back into the present.

He turned his head slowly towards her but he wasn't really focusing.

‘It's me, Emily.' She took a risk by pressing her lips to his. In his current agitated state there was a possibility he'd lash out but she hoped the bond they had was special enough to bring him back to her.

It took a few seconds but he did finally respond, kissing her with a hunger that could only come from the Joe she knew.

‘How come you're dressed?' he asked, apparently now wide awake and aware of his surroundings.

‘It got cold and look how late it is.' She handed him his own clothes, pity though it was to have him cover up.

‘I guess we're here for the night.'

The storm had struck again and Emily saw him flinch, the sight and sounds clearly part of whatever was bothering him.

‘That was some bad dream you were having. I was getting worried I wouldn't be able to pull you out of it.'

‘I didn't hurt you, did I?' The scowl on his face was more out of concern for her than himself and she guessed this wasn't the first time it had happened.

‘No. A lot of shouting and tossing and turning but you didn't lash out.'

‘Good.' That seemed enough reassurance for him but that sort of sleep disruption shouldn't be taken lightly. He could do himself serious damage in that trance state in an unfamiliar place, not to mention the exhaustion and lack of concentration that could result from lack of proper sleep—two things that could impair his judgement when it came to treating his own patients.

‘Does it happen a lot?' It was in her nature to be inquisitive when it came to people's well-being and Joe was no exception, regardless of his reluctance to talk about it. Doctors often made the worst patients, refusing to accept they were human and fallible just like everyone else.

‘Every now and then.' He pulled on his T-shirt so she wasn't able to read his expression. She guessed it happened more than he was prepared to admit since he'd been so quick to move into the clinic on his own.

‘Afghanistan?' She took a stab in the dark. By all accounts from her parents it had taken Peter some time to readjust after everything he'd witnessed out there, along with medication, counselling and his faith. Things she was pretty sure Joe hadn't availed himself of since leaving the army. He was too stubborn and tirelessly independent to turn to anyone for help.

‘There are a few things that can take me back there in a heartbeat. The senses get a little messed up after being on high alert for so long. One loud bang, a flash of light and I'm back in that tank, helpless, powerless. The mind can play cruel tricks on you when you least expect it.'

‘But it's over. I know what happened must've been terrible for all of you but that life is in the past. You still have a future.' With or without her. As long as he was running away from dealing with this he was never going to have the life he deserved—in one place surrounded by people who loved him.

‘Batesy and Ste don't. I was the medic, the one who was supposed to be there to save them. I failed to do the one thing I was trained to do. It's my fault they're not here today with their families. How can I expect anyone to rely on me when I can't even trust myself to do the right thing? I mean, the chief's son is lying sick back on Yasi and I'm here, carrying on as if we're on a dirty weekend away.' He wasn't looking at her any more but was staring out at somewhere beyond the ever-changing skies, caught between the past and the present.

Emily knew the rage was directed at himself, fuelled by guilt and grief, but she still took a hit. This was more to her than sex and she certainly would never have intentionally put a patient in jeopardy just to spend some time with Joe. Even if she'd had an inkling of how phenomenal it would be.

‘You were injured, you couldn't help what happened to your friends. The only ones to blame are those who planted the bomb. You can't spend the rest of your life afraid of getting close to people in case you let them down. What kind of tribute is that to those who aren't here any more? Taking risks and experiencing things most of us can only imagine is one thing, but shouldn't you be embracing all aspects of life? Including love?' She swallowed hard, catching herself before she blurted out the three words guaranteed to send him running.

Joe was emotionally stripped bare before her, still reeling from his trauma. She didn't need to add more by revealing her feelings for him. He hadn't asked her to fall for him or promised her anything in return. It wasn't fair to expect anything from him now and she knew if she told him she loved him he would feel under pressure to act on it. That's the type of man he was. One who always wanted to do right by others, even if it cost him peace of mind.

There was no way she wanted to increase his burden now she knew that happy-go-lucky façade was hiding his true pain from the rest of the world. Telling him now would only be for selfish reasons, voicing that small hope he would reciprocate her feelings, while all the while knowing nothing could come of it anyway. He'd spelled out the very reasons he couldn't be with her, even if by some miracle he thought of her as more than a holiday romance.

Like her, he was damaged goods. She knew how it was to fake a smile when you were crying on the inside and it was good for him to finally be honest about what he was still going through. The day she'd revealed her birthmark to him had lifted the stress of keeping her secret from her. She hoped this breakthrough tonight would do the same for him in some way. It had taken a great deal of trust from him to confide in her as much as he had, and she was privileged she was getting to know the
real
Joe Braden.

His eyes shimmered in the darkness but he was still refusing to give in to the grief he was obviously suffering. Instead, he ended the conversation by moving in for another kiss. Emily knew he was avoiding further discussion on the subject but she was powerless to resist him when this could be their last opportunity to be together.