The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (17 page)

She explained that she’d been really busy as the school office only closed yesterday, but went on to tell me that Hinge & Bracket are on the alert for Gestapo’s next faux pas, as they’ve heard via “reliable contacts” that Rudeman was most definitely guilty and they’re looking for any excuse to rid the school of the overhanging stigma.

“Just keep your eyes and ears open, Libby.  One step out of line and we’re rid of her.  Ooh, by the way, thought you might want to know you’ve got a new mum starting in your class after Christmas.  A lovely lady - Rachel Turner.  She’s step-mum to a little girl, Betsy.  I think you’ll really like her.”

Told her I’d keep an eye out for her in January to make sure she’d feel welcome and, after reminding her what time the drinks start tomorrow night, put the phone down and contemplated this latest instalment.

So, Rudeman
did
do the dodgy deals then? - no real surprises there.  Feel really sad for their kids though.  After all, if Gestapo does get them chucked out, they’re the ones who’ll end up suffering.  Decided to make sure I wouldn’t be the one to seal Gestapo’s fate - if I manage to avoid her enough, I won’t know if she’s boobed in any way.

PM

Well, I hope
someone
snitches on Gestapo soon because I don’t know how much longer I can keep my trap shut.

Max and I set off to Waitrose earlier this morning.  He was very excited to be choosing the snacks and drinks for his part of the party and I had a list as long as my arm for all the other things I needed.

Just as we were approaching the check-out we spotted
her! 
Bloody Gestapo with a trolley full of smoked salmon, blinis and Moët.

“Oh, hello Libby.  What a surprise to see
you
here.  I always had you down as more of an ASDA shopper.”

Only Gestapo could come out with a line like that, leaving no room for misinterpretation.

Then she had the audacity to peer into my trolley and actually pick out a bottle of lemonade (a rare treat for my boy and his buddies).

“Really Libby, you don’t let your child drink
this
muck
,
do you?  I wouldn’t dream of it.  And Hula Hoops?  Ugh!”

Hadn’t realised she’d turned into the food police and I was livid.  Racked my brains for a suitable Fenella-esque retort but thankfully Max beat me to it before I made of fool of myself with a “Fuck you, bitch, no wonder we call you Gestapo.”

“Mummy and Daddy say that everything is OK if you have it in
modulation
- that means not too much.”  And he leaned over
her
trolley.  “Looks like you got too much bubbles and fish in there.”

Had to turn my back to the conveyor belt to stop myself from laughing but heard her moving away with her trolley saying “Quite a vocabulary on him, your son, hasn’t he?”

Ned and I had a laugh about it together tonight - an infrequent occurrence in our marriage at the moment.

And it felt good.

Friday 19
^th
December

Ned’s birthday and drinks party

Woke early to wish Ned a happy one and give him our presents - a hand-painted mug from Max, chocolates from the dogs and a new digital camera from me.  (I’d finally got myself organised when I realised I didn’t have the usual financial constraints - must stop forgetting we’re not poor any more!)

Ned set off to work and Max and I got busy with our party preparations.

Once we were finished I wanted to spend some time getting ready, so I settled Max down at my dressing table and asked him to make an extra special card for Skunk.  Ned and I had decided we wanted to give him a couple of hundred quid for all his hard work.  It would come in handy for his move in the New Year.

Mum called while I was in the middle of doing my make-up so I ended up with one perfect eye and one with spider lashes.  
Thanks Mum! 
Even when she’s not around she causes dramas.

And she’d rung for a moan so there was no way I could get rid of her quickly.  I kept giving Max the ‘thumbs up’ to the card each time he showed me his progress, but I was more than a little distracted by Mum’s moaning, my dodgy eye and the hair removing cream I had on my legs.

One of the dogs was just beginning to throw up into a pair of my favourite shoes, when Mum continued, “… and I’m coming to the end of my tether with Bert, you know.  He
knew
I wasn’t having any hanky-panky when I agreed to move in with him.  But, no, he keeps bringing it up now he’s got me where he wants me!”

Was just about to chuck a manky bath towel down to catch the dog puke when she added, “If he carries on like this, I’ll have no choice but to move out.  I might end up on your doorstep, homeless and manless, Libby.”

Heaven help me and my marriage if
that
happens - we’ll never survive it.

Put the phone down feeling thoroughly depressed before our party - 1
^st
prize for downers goes to Mum once again.

Then I saw the fantastic card Max had finished for Skunk - it had a quirky little picture of a man with green, spiky hair and he’d written ‘We love Skunk’.

Except his first ‘K’ looked a bit like a ‘P’!

Instantly cheered up and we boogied round the bedroom to Christmas carols while I got ready for the night ahead.

Saturday 20
^th
December

We all had a great time last night.  Everyone was in the party mood and it went with a swing.

Nic and Rick were delighted to be ‘out on the town’ - their first night since becoming parents - and Olga seemed to have a real knack with Mikhail, maybe because she speaks to him in Russian and it’s inbuilt somewhere.

Fenella treated herself to a couple of small glasses of champagne and told us all she couldn’t wait to fall off the wagon again.  “When this final addition to the Hunter-Barnes empire pops out, Josh is going for the ‘snipperdeedooda’ and you can all bring bubbly to my bedside - stuff your flowers and grapes, I want booze.”

Nic said that he and Rick had barely touched a drop since they’d had Mikhail.  “Just couldn’t cope with a hangover
and
a screaming bub - how you women cope with it all
and
breastfeed, I
don’t
know.”

Mrs S insisted it was all nonsense, that women made far too much of it nowadays and it was the most natural thing in the world.  “In my day, I was feeding Pritesh and his three brothers for twelve long years in total and it was worth every minute.  I have never had a fine bosom since, but I do not worry for such things.  Vanity is a curse.”

“It might be a curse, Mrs S but I’m not feeding
this
baby, I’m afraid.  It’s straight on the bottle and, if my hooters don’t bounce back, I might have a little nip and tuck to give Mother Nature a helping hand.”  Fenella finished the last of her champagne and topped her glass up with Irn Bru.

Josh nearly choked on his
drink.  “Well that’s the first
I’ve
heard of it. 
More
bloody expense!  Just top me up Ned, I need numbing.”

Ned obliged and quipped, “Well you’ll certainly need numbing before the old snip - let’s hope they use something a bit stronger than this!”

Silver then went on to show us some breast-toning exercises that are meant to work wonders and we all joined in, including Mrs S who piped up with “I am thinking that
my
hooters are too late to be re-trained but I would very much like to be Gokked by that lovely Oriental gentleman.  I am thinking he could make me look twenty-one again.”

Can’t quite imagine Mrs S on ‘How to Look Good Naked’ somehow!

Olga did a great job with the kids and managed to get them all settled by ten - no mean feat -so she had a few drinks with us and we let her get off home.  We decided if Mikhail woke, there were enough of us to take turns in the battle with Wonder Lungs.

Pritesh made a bee-line for Patience (of course) and they seemed to be getting along quite well.  Mrs S looked a little disapproving and told us she thought he should let the grass grow under his feet a bit before moving on.  “Of course, as a mother, I very much want him to settle down with a nice young lady, but I am living in hope that Libby here will do me the honour and become my daughter-in-law.”

Ned coughed and looked a little embarrassed.  “Mrs S, I think you might be forgetting something here!”

“Yes, yes Ned I
know
you are married to her but people are getting divorced all the time now.  It is not a bad thing in the society we are living in today.”

Fenella giggled and said through a mouthful of smoked salmon, “Mrs S, you are so naughty.  You can’t go around splitting up people’s marriages just because you’ve decided on who you want as a daughter-in-law.”

Mrs S looked suitably sheepish and said “Shush, and get me another Babycham or I will be telling everyone about your dreadful wind problem and that you kicked an old lady out of her wheelchair.”

Wonder Lungs woke at about midnight but we settled him on Silver’s lap with a bottle - she seems to have a calming effect on everyone - and we all sang Christmas carols until he finally fell asleep.

Noticed Pritesh and Patience were deep in conversation and Ned raised his eyebrows at me cheekily.

My husband really is a very good-looking man and I must get things sorted with him pretty soon or somebody will be snatching
him
up.

Sunday 21
^st
December

Yesterday was a bit of a blur as we woke to a houseful of kids and dogs and a very hungover Nic and Rick.

We let them sleep in and I dealt with the children and the vocal Mikhail while Ned attempted to take five dogs for their morning deposits.

Mikhail obviously enjoyed having young children around as a distraction because, after he’d gobbled his milk down, he sat in his baby-bouncer quite happily taking in the surroundings.

Fenella, Josh and Patience arrived to collect their overnighters just after midday and we all settled down to a makeshift lunch of leftovers.

Nic and Rick joined us, each sporting one of my dressing gowns, and enjoyed a hair of the dog.

“Just the one though, Lib.  Being responsible parents now,” Nic told us.

And we were all treated to Mikhail’s first ever attempt at a baby chuckle.

Monday 22
^nd
December

Max wanted to go to The Pound Shop today to do his Christmas shopping - like mother, like son!

Told him that he could probably have a little bit more money to spend on people this year but he said that was silly.

“I love The Pound Shop, Mummy.  Why would I want to go to some boring shop what wants to take all my money off me?”  Good thinking!

So he’s now busily wrapping an assortment of dog chews, candles and bits of plastic tat that he’s chosen with love.

I’m sure Fenella will be delighted with her bumper bag of Haribo.  And as for Mum, the wrinkle cream should go down a treat.  I just pray it turns out to be a tube of miracle disappearing cream.

PM

Ned’s got his Christmas works do tonight so I’ve got no idea what time he’ll be home.

I’ve never worried in the past when he’s been at company functions - we’ve always trusted one another.

This year, I’m not so sure.

Tuesday 23
^rd
December

Think Ned got in just after midnight last night.  I pretended to be asleep and he snuggled in for a cuddle, reeking of booze.

I’m sure he’d have had a few offers from secretarial totty.  Just depends on whether he was tempted to take them up on it.

Lou called just as Max and I were about to head out the door to meet Fenella and the kids for lunch.

“Lib, bloody Cam’s off work with some dodgy virus.  I’ve got him holed up in the spare room so he disnae give his bug to wee Finn.  I cannae have him sick when Santa Claus comes.”

She went on to say that she’d got masks for every time she had to go in the room with Cam and she’d put a draught excluder under the door to stop “mutant germs” escaping.

“He’d better by OK by Christmas day or I’ll kill him.”

I’m convinced her worrying will be the death of her (or him!).

PM

Had a great lunch with Fenella and the kids.  Patience has gone to her parents for Christmas so we were an Anti-Meemie down.

There were some other mums from school in the same restaurant and, as usual, we were stunned by their appalling behaviour.

While Max, Todd and Charlotte sat quietly at the table, colouring in and chatting about Christmas, the other kids were running amok.  The mothers were quite happily ordering endless bottles of wine and leaving the waiting staff to side-step unruly kids and runaway toddlers.