The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (21 page)

‘Any Other Business’ consisted of ridiculous requests for:

An Organic Tuck Shop
- run on a rota by mothers - NO!

Yummy-Mummy Beauty Contest
 - again!
Still
NO!

Latin classes to begin in reception and not year three
- thankfully that’s not an issue I have to deal with and H&B poo-pooed it instantly, telling Shergar in no uncertain terms to report back to the mother who had requested this “wholly unsuitable” change that it most definitely
would not
be happening.

After-school clubs to run until 7pm each night
- again, one for H&B and we were told, quite rightly, that this wouldn’t be feasible as teachers should be allowed to have a life outside of school.  Clubs would continue to run until 4.30 and not a minute later.

A Country Fair and Dog Show
- to be held at the end of the summer term and to take place in the school grounds.  A great idea in principle but I doubt if anyone will actually offer to organise it.  Certainly won’t be me, as Fenella will have her hands full with a young baby and I’m not prepared to fly solo.

The meeting drew to a close and dispersed very quickly - who would get fingers to the buttons to get the goss out first?

H&B left with Fenella, leaving Dan and me to clear up and put the tables away.

It probably wasn’t the wisest move to have a quick snog in the process and I’m just hoping I imagined the noise at the door.

Saturday 31
^st
January

Patience called this morning to say that she’s had seven invites for drinks and three for dinner.  Her phone hasn’t stopped ringing or beeping with texts since the news got out and Letchy seems to want to be her new best friend.

“He told me he can sympathise with being a single parent because … wait for it … his ‘wife doesn’t understand him’!  Can you believe that?  Pritesh was ready to go round and bop him one on the nose!”

Asked her if all was well where he was concerned and she said she thought so but didn’t want to tempt fate by saying yes.

“You know what men are like, Lib.  Just when you think you’ve got them sussed they turn round and crap on you.  If this doesn’t work out with Pritesh, who knows, I might be so desperate I take Letchy up on his offer.”

Told her I couldn’t ever see that happening and had a little shudder at the thought.  Can’t imagine
anyone
wanting to do ‘the act’ with him - it would be enough to put you off for life.

PM

Ned made a point of getting Max to bed early tonight and ordering a take-away.  I think he thought I’d want to make the effort and ‘get down and dirty’ before he leaves for Paris on Monday.

He was wrong.

Sunday 1
^st
February

Went for lunch at Nic and Rick’s to welcome Olga and Zsa-Zsa.

We couldn’t believe the difference in the atmosphere there - Nic and Rick were looking their usual sharp selves, the kitchen was emitting delicious smells and the flat was spic and span.

Mikhail was still quite cross looking but reasonably quiet, a bonus all round, and Olga and Zsa-Zsa were delighted to be in their new home.

Sunday is officially Olga’s day off but she was eager to impress and was very hands-on with Mikhail.

After lunch she and Zsa-Zsa took him for a walk in his buggy to get him off to sleep and they offered to take Max with them.  Max jumped at the chance - a trip to the park beats sitting around with grown-ups.

Had just settled in the kitchen with our coffees when I heard my phone beep with a text.  As I went to my bag to get it, I was sure I saw a look of suspicion cross Ned’s face - maybe it’s just my guilty conscience.

It was a text from Patience.

BEEN DUMPED. PRITESH BUMPED IN2 GESTAPO AND SHE DID HER WORST - BITCH!  BACK TO SQUARE 1 X

Filled the others in on the news and told them how sad I was for Patience.

Nic added “And Mrs S is going to be heartbroken.  She thought this one was for keeps, didn’t she?  You’re gonna have to watch yourself, Lib, she’ll be trying to lure you away again.”

Ned sipped his coffee and looked at me.  “Who knows, you might take him up on his offer this time, eh Lib? Get away from the monotony of home.  Can’t say I’d blame you ‘cos it’s all pretty shit at the moment isn’t it?”

Nic and Rick shifted uncomfortably in their seats and looked at us both in disbelief.

Nic broke the silence with a light hearted “Aww, come on guys.  You’ve got the blueprint for the perfect marriage. We’re
all
striving to get it as perfect as you two.  Just have a good shag and you’ll be right as rain again.”

Not the most helpful of comments he could have made, given the circumstances, but I know he was just trying to lighten the mood.

Ned brought it back down with a bump again when he said, “Well, I’m off to Paris for a week tomorrow, so, who knows,
one
of us might get lucky.”

What a complete and utter bastard!

Well, if he wants to play dirty, I’m one step ahead of him.

Monday 2
^nd
February

Ned leaves for Paris

Ned apologised for his behaviour before he left for his trip.  A bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, but I had to be gracious and accept it.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got no intention of getting it on with anybody in Paris, Lib.  I’m sorry if I over-stepped the mark with my stupid comment.  I didn’t mean anything by it.”

Kissed him goodbye slightly reluctantly.  He shouldn’t have bloody said it in the first place then, should he?

Met the Anti-Meemies for coffee after drop off, with a heavy heart.

What a pitiful bunch we were.  Fenella was doing a great impression of a beached whale trapped in a windblown marquee, Patience was red-eyed and thoughtful and Rachel was fuming while ripping up a serviette and rolling it into little balls.  As she furiously chucked her final ‘paper-bullet’ across the table she broke the silence with,

“Betsy was desperate to have Mia home for tea but Gestapo refused until I have a CRB check.  Can you believe that?  She said she hoped I wouldn’t take offence but, as I’m not a “proper mother”, she thought it only wise.  For fuck’s sake, what is
wrong
with these women?”

“Gestapo is a rancid pile of steaming shit,” Patience said as she stared into her coffee.  “If it wasn’t for her stirring it, Pritesh and I would still be together.  Do you know she still had the cheek to invite me there for dinner on Friday night?”

Fenella came in with, “Well I hope you told her where to
stuff
her dinner” and, rubbing her back added, “It would only have been a lettuce leaf and half a crate of Moët, anyway.”

“Oh, I told her in
no
uncertain terms.  Just as I told all the other gold-diggers who are now vying for my attention.  Dress-up Mummy actually called me at the weekend and asked if I’d discuss the commission of some art work.  Nobody would come
near
my stall at the Christmas Fair and now I’m ethnic flavour of the month.”

Fenella nodded.  “Well, we all suspected it might turn out this way didn’t we?  I don’t know why we’re all so surprised.  Think I’m going to order another couple of flapjacks.  Anyone going to join me?”

So we ordered another round of coffees and sat in silence - contemplating the crappiness of everything while we watched Fenella munching her way through her third breakfast.

Tuesday 3
^rd
February

Popped in to Mrs S to find her looking very morose.  Even Desmond seemed a little under the weather in his cage - think he must be tuned in to her moods now.

“Oh Libbybeta, my Pritesh is so sad now that he is not seeing that lovely Patience.  I am not understanding why she would be ending it with him.”

Tried to explain to her that it was her beloved son who had acted like a prize dick (but not in those terms) but that doesn’t seem to be the way he’s told the story - typical bloody male, twisting everything around to paint themselves in a better light.

Well, I’m not having it.  Patience deserves better treatment and I’m seeing that she gets it.

PM

I went of to Wembley after I left Mrs S and I hunted down Pritesh’s shop.

Of course he was busy charming a female customer while trying to get her to buy the most expensive dishwasher, but his face still lit up when he saw me.

The potential buyer was quickly dispatched to an assistant and Pritesh made his way over to me.

“Well well.  To what do I owe the pleasure?  Let’s head off for some lunch.”

We found ourselves in a little wine bar and I wasted no time in getting stuck into him.

“Why would you tell your mother that Patience ended it with you, you lying bastard?”

“Now, now Lib, it’s not ladylike to use words like that.  Mum won’t love you if you use rudie words.”

I think he could tell by the look on my face that I was in no mood for daft banter and he had the good grace to look a little sheepish.

“Look, Lib.  I had to tell mum it was the other way round because she’d have done her nut if she found out I was the one doing the dumping.”

“But things were going so well with you and Patience.  Why would you want to go and end it just because of something as stupid as money?”  I asked him.

“You wouldn’t understand, Lib.  I don’t know if it’s just male pride, or maybe my Indian culture, but I just knew that all the gossip and rumours would start as soon as it was out and I couldn’t let people think I was just with her for her money.  I was really smitten, you know, Lib - thought I might have found Miss Right.  Then I bumped into Gestapo.  Shit, you’ve even got
me
using the nickname now!  I don’t know if it was sour grapes or not, although I don’t see
why
when Gestapo was the one who dumped
me,
but she said all the things I’d been fearing all along.”

He went on to say she’d told him half the mothers were talking about it and that it was quite clear his business must be failing and that was why he’d hooked up with Patience.

“She said there was a rumour that Patience had lent me a quarter of a mill to get me out of trouble.  I can’t have people thinking that.”

What a bloody shit-stirrer that Gestapo is!  I can’t believe she would stoop that low.  She didn’t want Pritesh anymore but she’s determined to make sure no one else has him.  I asked Pritesh if maybe he’d considered that as her reason for muck-spreading.

“To be perfectly honest, Libby, I just don’t know any more.  I just felt I had to end it with Patience before the unfounded talk damaged her or I got in any deeper.”

Told him I thought he was a prat.  “Patience is heart-broken, Pritesh, and it’s all because you can’t handle a bit of goss that will blow over in a week.  You’re pathetic!  That lot will always find someone to pick on and rip to pieces but it stops when they find their next victim.  Trust me, I know, I’ve been on the receiving end of it often enough.”

Pritesh released a huge sigh and rubbed his head.  “You’re right of course, Libby.  I probably did over-react.  I’ll give it some more thought.  And thanks.”

Good!  Now
I’m
going to get
Gestapo
sorted.

But I might need Fenella for moral support and her inimitable turn of phrase.

Wednesday 4
^th
February

Spent most of last night on the phone to Dan.  He wanted to come round but I told him I didn’t think that was wise.

I’m not sure if it was because I didn’t want to run the risk of Max seeing Mr Rooney in the house if he came downstairs or because I didn’t trust myself.

But I’m sure I made the right decision - even though Dan didn’t agree.

We’re meeting for a drink tomorrow night.  I’ve got Olga to babysit on the pretext that I’m cheering up Patience.

Oh what a tangled web we weave …

Thursday 5
^th
February

It’s ‘Operation Gestapo’ this morning.  Fenella’s going to make the effort to drag her bulk to school and I’m really very grateful to her - I know I couldn’t tackle this by myself.

Why am I such a wimp?  She could do it single-handedly without turning a perfectly coiffed hair but I need her there to hold my hand.

PM

Well we sorted Gestapo (or rather Fenella did - I can’t really take much credit).

We cornered her at the car and I think the sight of Fenella in all her exploding hormonal glory was enough to put the frighteners on her to start with.  She
knew
she was in trouble.

“Just a quick word, if we could,” Fenella started politely.  “This won’t take long but I just wanted to ask that you make it your life’s mission right now to put the rumours regarding Pritesh to bed - you might also want to stop fabricating your own too.”