The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (31 page)

Pritesh will move in with her and Solomon when they’re married - I think his male ego may finally have given way to practicality.  Although, I have to say he’s working harder than ever before - probably to prove he can pay his way and not be a kept man.

They both seem incredibly happy and Pritesh really enjoys spending time with Solomon.  Who’d have thought, this time last year, that we’d see the flirtatious playboy married off with two kids?  Think Ned is quietly relieved, now he knows that Mrs S will definitely stop with the matchmaking.

The christenings are all set for Sunday.  Fenella and Josh are having a marquee erected in the garden for after the event.  She’s having it catered as she said she “couldn’t be arsed to stuff 200 vol au vents”.  No doubt there will be crate-loads of bubbles too.

She’s also bought all the dogs matching cream lace bandanas.  Ned says Dog looks like a right nancy-boy (will we
never
get our heads around the fact that
he’s
a girl?) but I don’t think Dog seems to mind.  Since living with us he’s worn everything from denim to polka dots and never batted an eyelid, but I reckon he’d have my hand off if I tried to dress him up in a sparkly bolero a la ‘rat in the bag’.  No doggy designer stuff for
our
mutts!

Or for me, as a matter of fact.  Got a couple of great dresses on eBay for just under forty quid.  Mrs S will be proud!

Friday 15
^th
May

Took a much needed trip to the hairdressers to get the mop under control again.  I’ll probably end up with ridiculous ‘hat-hair’ on Sunday but at least it looks tamed at the moment.

In fact, I almost look like a yummy-mummy.  Might see if Max can stay at Fenella’s tonight so that I can wine, dine and seduce my lovely hubbie.

PM

Fenella was happy to have Max and all the dogs - hope Dot settles this time.  It’ll be lovely to have the house all to ourselves and I fully intend to make the most of it.

Might even try to find a new pair of M&S drawers in the drawer.

Ah, stuff that!  I’ll go without!

Saturday 16
^th
May

Oooh, I’m a bit tired this morning.  Forgotten what it was like to have a child-free house and let rip!

Really must try to do that more often and I’m sure Ned would agree.  He’s walking around the house like the cat that got the cream, whistling a happy little tune to himself like Tom from ‘The Good Life’.

Ah, married life - you can’t beat it.  Even if sometimes it means you can’t walk properly!

Sunday 17
^th
May

Darcy and Mikhail’s christening

Up to a bright and sparkling day perfect for the christening of two special babies - one of whom I
delivered! 
Still feel a bit queasy when I think about that day.  Just goes to show what you can do if you have to.

Off to collect Mrs S and then to the church.

Monday 18
^th
May

It really was such a special day yesterday.

Mrs S looked gorgeous in a stunning gold and cream sari which she topped off (rather incongruously) with a feathered hat she’d borrowed from her new friend, Maud!  She seems to be getting a small amount of movement back in her left side - and her right side works perfectly well for quaffing her Babycham.  She’s started doing the ‘girlie infatuated thing’ of starting every sentence with “Harry says …”  Quite sweet really and I’m delighted to see her so happy.

Nic and Rick looked very dapper and proud.  Mikhail managed to keep quiet throughout the ceremony and then turned back into Wonder Lungs the minute it was over.  It didn’t matter though, because there were plenty of us to take turns and he seemed to love Mrs S singing to him.

Fenella looked every inch the yum-mum, minus her crown and sash, and breezed through the day as the perfect hostess.

Skunk and Silver looked very much in love, as did Patience and Pritesh.  Mrs S was constantly rubbing Patience’s tummy and telling everyone that she was “cooking her grandchild” for her - dread to think what she’ll be like at the wedding, she’ll probably burst out of her little sari with pride.

The booze flowed, the food was delicious and the kids had a ball running in the garden and around the marquee.

Everything was just perfect …

… until I received another text.

Tuesday 19
^th
May

KEEPING QUIET WILL DO YOU NO GOOD.  THE DAY WILL COME

That’s the text I received to mar a perfect day.

I’m so cross now.  Whoever it is, they’re playing a really clever game.  Ever time I think it’s all over, they drop the next bombshell.

Ned stepped in to ‘protective husband’ mode and decided to give Dan a call to see if
he
was still receiving them.

Felt very proud of my hubbie who remained calm and focused - not once did any of his hurt show through, he just wanted the facts.

Dan told Ned he’s still receiving texts at more or less the same frequency.  They seem to vary slightly from the ones I’m getting but the message is more or less the same.

We can’t figure out exactly what they want us to do.  Do they expect us to make a confession to Hinge & Bracket so that the whole sordid slip-up can be announced to the school?

Surely not?  What’s it got to do with anyone else?  It’s history and should be buried.  Why won’t they let it lie?

But the one question that keeps going round in my head is, how do they know?

Wednesday 20
^th
May

CCL meeting

All is going smoothly with the paperwork for the move and it looks like we should be in the new house by the end of next month.  The joy is slightly sullied by this text business hanging over me but I have to focus on the positive - this was meant to be a new beginning for us.  I won’t let them ruin it for me.

Not looking forward to the meeting tonight.  Find that I’m constantly looking at people and wondering “Is it you?”

It’s unnerving to say the least.

Thursday 21
^st
May

Meeting was the usual groan-worthy event.

Shergar talked us through the accounts and everything is looking rosy - we really have had a record year so far and H&B are delighted.

Barbie spent the whole meeting texting and Dress-up Mummy, in her own little world as usual, was humming softly to herself!

We’re all set for the talent show.  We have a full line up of acts and a stupid amount of prizes for the raffle.

Wonder who’ll win the Harley Street voucher for two grand’s worth of surgery?

Yes,
really!

Friday 22
^nd
May

Puppies’ birthday

Exactly a year ago today since dog gave birth to ‘his’ puppies under the kitchen table. 

So much has changed over that time - lots for the better, some for worse.  The dogs were definitely a bonus to our lives - a shock but a bonus.

Max came out of school and begged me to have a party for the puppies.  (Didn’t think he’d even remember but I should know by now he’s got the memory of an elephant)

“PLLLEEAAASSSEE, Mummy.  It’s Friday and I don’t have to go to bed
very
early.  Todd wants to come and it will be
such
fun.  PURLEASE!”

Had a quick poke around in the fridge and freezer to see if we actually had anything to offer people if we called an impromptu party, because the last thing I felt like doing was a supermarket dash.

Figured we could make do with the assorted contents and I knew Fenella would bring lots of delicacies.

Called Ned and asked him to do a booze run on the way home form work.

A puppy party seems to have been organised.

Saturday 23
^rd
May

Dogs had a great time, as did we humans.

Jenny and Colin said that we’re mad as March Hares having a party for them but they arrived with a bottle and packets of Bonios as presents for the dogs anyway.

Skunk and Silver collected Mrs S and brought her along as Pritesh and Patience had decided to have a quiet night in - think she might be feeling a bit knackered at the mo.

Rachel and Mike came along with Betsy and told us that they’ve made the decision to move her from Manor House.  “It’s just not working for us,” Rachel told me.  “I’m sick of feeling like an outcast and I don’t want that feeling to rub off onto Betsy.  We’re reluctantly looking into a place at the local primary for September.”

Feel very sad to be losing them but I can fully understand her reasons.  Being a step-mum shouldn’t result in being treated like a criminal - it turns my stomach that the evil Meemies should triumph over good.

Olga and Zsa-Zsa did a great job of settling all the kids - even Mikhail gave in and went down for an hour or so.

Olga is delighted to be in her new job and says she’s the happiest she’s ever been in her working life.  “It vas so funny ven I vas seeing Lydia-Boss-Lady ven I vas at de shops viz Mikhail.  She look at me like she have stinky poop up her beak and she not talk to me at all.  Stupid bitch.”

Nic put his arm around her shoulder and said, “Now now, Hun.  Just because you’ve got the best bosses in the world now, you mustn’t go dissing the last one.”

Olga harrumphed.  “You
may
be ze best bosses in de vurld but
she
is cow-face and
dat
is de truth!”

Nic knew not to argue with her, she’s too valuable to him - Olga and a hissy-fit are not a good combination - so he topped her glass up and offered her a pay rise!

Fenella treated us to some Broadway show tunes - just as well she’s
not
going in for the talent show because I reckon she’d walk away with the prize for
that
too.  Her Cabaret number on the stool was so sexy it even had Nic and Rick drooling. 
That’s
talent!

Sunday 24
^th
May

Spent most of the evening trying to come up with fundraising ideas for Mikhail.  Olga has already arranged a sponsored swim, run and sky-dive and Fenella had the prize money from the beauty contest - I really feel like I’m letting the side down.

Ned’s organised a ‘dress-down Friday’ at work for later on in the year so that should raise a fair amount and I guess once I’m finished with CCL I can devote more time to it.

Monday 25
^th
May

Gave Nic a call to apologise for my lack of dynamism regarding the fundraising.

“Oh shut up you dopey tart, “he said.  “We’ll be chucking nearly ten grand into the coffers thanks to Olga and Fenella -
none
of that would have been possible without you kicking things off. 
And
you found us the best nanny in the whole of the south of England.  Mikhail only has to hear her dulcet Russian tones and he beams.”

When it’s put like that, I don’t feel quite so bad.

Tuesday 26
^th
May

Mum called to ask what we want for Christmas!  I swear it gets earlier every year.  I think I’ll just put my order in on Boxing Day this year and get next year dealt with.

Told her I’d have to have a think about it and she said I had to let her know by the end of the week.  “Me and Bert are off to knock the shopping on the head at the weekend and I don’t want to be held up by you.  By the way, how’s the sick baby?  Nic and Rick handed him back yet and got a healthy one?”

Felt like telling her all I
really
want for Christmas is a new mum but I didn’t think that would go down too well.

Wednesday 27
^th
May

Lots of talent contest talk and last minute rehearsals being arranged.  The participating parents seem as excited as the kids.

The Meemies seem a little relieved to know that Fenella won’t be taking part - they really don’t want her in the competition as she seems to have become the school sex-symbol and dads will do anything to get into a conversation with her - the image of her cracking that whip is imbedded in many a daddy’s brain!

Of course she uses it to her full advantage and notches up favours which she keeps note of.  Just yesterday she told me that Letchy had promised her his services for clearing up after the talent show, just so that he could talk to her chest for ten minutes.