The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (26 page)

He’s still not materialised and I’m weighed down with guilt.

Fenella says he’s an attention seeker and will show up in a few days, right as rain and with a great excuse.

Lou (who I finally filled in on all the details) said, “Oh my God!  He’s dead for sure, isn’t he?  How’ll you live with it, Lib?”

And Nic just said, “You dirty cow.  Going for a bit of extra-curricular!  He’ll be fine, just having a bit of a hissy-fit, I reckon.”

Three friends, three different takes on the problem.

And they really haven’t helped.

PM

Jenny and Colin didn’t throw much more light on things either.  Apart from being very sympathetic about the whole sordid (almost) affair, they said that, as far as the school was aware, he’d never done anything like this before.  Although there had been many unfounded rumours because the mothers love to flirt with him, he’d never been known to
actually
get involved with anyone.

“He’s a really decent bloke, Libby,” Colin told us.  “I used to think he took full advantage of servicing the mummies but I had a pint with him a while back and he’s just not like that.”

Well that’s just fantastic, isn’t it?  I’m now going to have to admit to Hinge & Bracket that I snogged a teacher and he topped himself because of me.

Just as I get accepted for having a bit of cred for all the fundraising and organising I took on, I’m going to have to leave.

Jenny promised that she’d call us as soon as they heard any news and Colin was his usual sweet self.  He pulled me into a bear-hug and said, “Hey, Libby, don’t beat yourself up.  You weren’t to know this would happen and you just need to concentrate on your own little family.  If he’s
that
unhinged, he shouldn’t be working with kids in the first place.”

God, I’d never thought of that!

Wednesday 18
^th
March

Still no news.

Apart from an email from Hinge & Bracket on a totally unrelated subject - the beauty contest.

‘Libby

Sadly we have had 25 mothers apply to enter the Yummy Mummy Contest so it would appear that our hands are tied and we will have to go ahead.

The date is, as previously stated, May 8
^th
.

Obviously no action on your part is required - although we trust you will join us on the evening to enjoy the proceedings!

We have both taken the decision
not
to enter the competition but would not think less of you if you decided to.’

Ah, H&B, you gotta love ‘em.  Nobody can do tongue in cheek quite like they can.

Almost cheered me up for a minute there.

Then I remembered, my fingers are practically smeared with a man’s blood.

Thursday 19
^th
March

Jenny called at just gone seven this morning to say that the school had heard from Dan, very apologetic and claiming mental exhaustion.  He’s sending in a doctor’s certificate and will be on leave until after the Easter holidays.

Silently put up a prayer to the ‘Saviour of Murdering Adulteresses’ - I’d been spared but it had certainly taught me a lesson.  I feel very sad for Dan but I need to concentrate on my marriage and make up for the hurt I’ve caused Ned.

It’s time for us all to put it behind us, including Dan.

PM

Had a text from Patience which left me sad and angry:

BOOKED FOR MONDAY.  CAN’T TELL PRITESH.  DON’T WANT HIM TO FEEL TRAPPED.  WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO COLLECT ME AFTERWARDS?  ABOUT 3ISH X

Why can’t they just bloody well talk to one another and sort this whole mess out?  If they eventually get back together and he finds out after the event, they’ll never survive it, that’s for sure.

I know I can’t get involved in their business but it’s so hard to sit back and watch it all go tits up.

Friday 20
^th
March

Word of the beauty contest is out and preparations are already in full swing.  Personal training sessions have been doubled, Botox top-ups booked and extraordinary new wonder-diets are being discussed.

The participating mothers are all trying to give the impression of being very supportive of one another but it’s clear that they are in it to win it and they all have their eyes on the prize - the title of ‘Manor House Yummy Mummy’.

I was just ear-wigging a conversation between Gestapo and Barbie to report back to Fenella for a laugh - they were swapping tips on the use of pile cream to lessen wrinkles - when I received a text from ‘UNKNOWN’ …

TIME TO COME CLEAN.  I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

PM

To say the text unnerved me would be an understatement.

Of course I told Ned immediately and he just assumed it was Dan up to dirty tricks again but I’m not convinced.  I know he’s been through a bit of a dodgy time but I don’t think he’d stoop that low.

But if it
wasn’t
him, who was it?  And how could they possibly know?

Saturday 21
^st
March

Ned and I took Max and the dogs for a lovely long walk across the common, in the hope that it would take my mind off things and blow away the cobwebs.

I’m stressed out by the constant fear of my mobile delivering another text and also worrying about the Patience/Pritesh dilemma.

Ned told me there’s nothing I can do to change either situation so there’s not point in worrying.

“The text was just a bit of mischief and probably a one off, Lib.  And as for Patience, you can’t interfere in something as serious as that and you know it.”

Of course, I know he’s right but it doesn’t stop the constant cycle of worry.

PM

Soooo … I know I shouldn’t have, but I sent a text to Pritesh.

Just a short message to give him a good kick up his cute little bootie:

PLEASE TRY TO SORT THINGS OUT.  THERE’S MORE GOING ON THAN YOU THINK.  DON’T REGRET LEAVING IT 2 LATE.

I was relieved not to receive a reply - partly because it meant I wouldn’t have to answer any probing questions but also because I knew Ned would tell me off.

Deep down, I know I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t sit back and do nothing.

This was
one
baby I
could
save.

Sunday 22
^nd
March

Got F&J and their kids and dogs for lunch today so looking forward to a full house to distract me.

Had no other menacing texts so that’s one good thing - hope Ned was right and that’s an end to it.

PM

A good lunch was slightly marred by constant texts from Pritesh.  He was demanding to know what I meant by my message and I’d got myself backed into a bit of a corner.  I knew I couldn’t actually come out and tell him that Patience is about to abort tomorrow but I just wanted to hint enough to make him act.

His final text simply said:

OK LIB, IF YOU WON’T TELL ME, I KNOW A WOMAN WHO WILL!

As F&J loaded the kids and dogs into their car to leave, I heard Fenella’s mobile ringing.

So now it’s totally out of my hands because if Pritesh asks a direct question, ‘Gob Almighty’ won’t keep her mouth shut, I can guarantee it.

And Ned can’t blame me for
that!

Monday 23
^rd
March

Collect Patience from clinic

Took Max to school hoping that I’d get a call or text from Patience to let me know that her appointment was cancelled and that there’d be no need to collect her this afternoon.

Was slightly concerned when I’d heard nothing by midday so I tried to call her.  Her phone was switched off and I had to assume the worst - she’d gone ahead and it was too late.

Called Fenella to see if she’d spilled the beans to Pritesh.

“Course I did, Sweedie.  He couldn’t get off the phone quick enough to get round there.  Frankly, I don’t know why we didn’t step in sooner.”

Told her that I think Patience had gone through with it anyway and that I was due to collect her at three.

“Well, bugger me, Lib.  I honestly thought it would all work out for the best.  Oh well, we tried.  We couldn’t have done any more.  I’ll get Max from school for you this afternoon so that you can collect the silly cow and spend a bit of time with her.”

Great!
 I get all the best jobs.

PM

What an afternoon!

First I received text #2.

I DON’T BELIEVE YOU HAVE COME CLEAN YET.  I’M WAITING.

Thankfully, I had no time to dwell on it as I needed to get to the clinic.

So, Muggins here set off to collect supposed heart-broken and grieving friend.  And waited and waited and …

… eventually asked at the desk if Patience Umbolo would be discharged soon, only to be told that Ms Umbolo had cancelled at eight o’clock this morning and had not booked a further appointment.

Muggins returned home fuming but relieved.

Only to find a scribbled note through the door:

PEOPLE WILL SOON BE TALKING.

Tuesday 24
^th
March

I can’t wait until Friday when we break up for Easter and head off on holiday.  We really need this break and I want to escape the constant threat of a new message.  Sure, they can still text me but the note through the door was just a bit spooky and too close to home.

Patience finally rang last night to apologise for not letting me know what was happening.

“I’m so sorry, Libby.  Everything happened so quickly it just slipped my mind.  To be perfectly honest, Pritesh and I spent most of the day in bed,” she giggled.  “I think we’re going to sort things out, thanks to you and Fenella-the-Gob!”

Thank heavens, that’s
one
thing less to worry about.

PM

Letters went home tonight reminding everyone that the Manor House Dog Show will be on Friday afternoon after school finishes.  Surprisingly Gestapo took the initiative to organise it - clearly hoping for a rosette for ‘the rat in the bag’.

It costs ten quid a dog to enter and Max is insisting that we put all three of ours in for it.

“Mummy, we know they’ll win.  Dog will get a prize just for being the only boy dog to ever have puppies.”

Explained that there wouldn’t be a category for that and also that our dogs weren’t pedigree so they wouldn’t stand a chance.

Max would hear none of it.  He filled the form in and begged me for thirty pounds so that he could hand in his entries tomorrow.

Just hope he’s not going to be too disappointed when the first prize goes to some ponced up handbag-dog with a bow in its hair and a designer bolero.

Wednesday 25
^th
March

Fenella said that she’s entering Splodge and Brown into the contest too.

“Our dogs have more personality in their manky whiskers than the other lot have put together, Lib, so we’re going for it.  I’ve booked all of them in for a two o’clock wash and brush-up on Friday.  Make sure you’re there with your three.”

Had to have a giggle when she said she’d also bought them all matching bandanas in the Pound Shop.

“They’re gold with a silver tassel edging. They’ll look like proper winners, Lib!”

Now I don’t know who will be more disappointed - Max or Fenella!

PM

No dodgy texts or messages since Monday so maybe they’ve given up - fingers crossed.

Ned’s decided to take Friday afternoon off work so that he can be at the dog show.

“Not that I hold out any hope of one of ours winning,” he told me, “but I just think it’ll be a laugh to see the competitive streak rearing its ugly head while all around us legs will be cocking.”

Told him of Fenella’s plans for our lot, including the trip to the doggy beauty parlour.

“I can’t say I’m surprised, Lib.  I reckon she’ll give the Yummy Mummy contest a go too, just for the hell of it.  She’s a game girl, our Fenella.”

Can’t actually see her stooping
that
low but, with Fenella, who knows?

Thursday 26
^th
March