The Darker Side of Mummy Misfit #2 (29 page)

Then
she went in the kitchen to get a glass of water and came back in carrying my mobile and squinting at the screen.

“Text for you here, Libby.  Says ‘You won’t get away with it, I’ll make sure of it.’  What’s that all about then?”

They left soon after that and I don’t, for one minute, think they believed my excuse that it was just a daft text from Lou.

I think Mum might have liked to stay and press me a little further on the subject but Bert ushered her to the door, with Elle and Harriet following and giving me quizzical looks.

Monday 4
^th
May

So the texts haven’t stopped then and I still don’t have a clue what to do about them.  Who knows about my minor indiscretion and why do they want to punish me?

Somebody must really dislike me and I can’t think what their motivation might be.  What could I possibly have done that affected anyone else to make them want to torment me this way?

I’d do my usual and write a list if I could think of any suspects but I just can’t.  OK, so I’ve had my run-ins with Gestapo in the past but I don’t think that even
she’d
stoop that low.  I’ve been looked down on for being poor and then disliked for coming into money - but surely none of that warrants this kind of treatment?

No time to dwell on it anymore.  Got to get off to ‘The Oaks’ to be part of Mrs S’s welcoming party.

PM

I really think Mrs S is going to be very happy.  We’ve made her room look as homely as possible and Pritesh and Patience had bought flowers and chocolates.  Skunk and Silver are cutting a holiday short to go in and see her tomorrow.

I bought her a cheap pay-as-you-go mobile and spent some time teaching her to text - I want her to feel she can contact any of us whenever she wants to.

We toasted her new life with a small Babycham and the bloom came back to her cheeks.  She loved the fact that Desmond was cheerfully chirping in his cage by the window and we left her happily having lunch with an elderly gentleman called Harry and telling him all about the upcoming wedding and her new grandchild.

Met Ned at our first house viewing and, I’m happy to report, it will be our last.  Our ideal family house, which we instantly knew was for us and within spitting distance of Mrs S.

It’s so close I’ll probably be able to hear Desmond on a good day with a following wind and all the windows open.

Tuesday 5
^th
May

No 22 Flood Street is just made for us - the vendors have no chain and they’ve accepted our offer.  All we need to do now is sell ours quickly and we’re away.

We’ve got three viewers booked for this afternoon so I’ve been frantically cleaning and doing all the ‘how to sell your house’ tips - brewing coffee, baking bread, spraying the dogs with Chanel No 9.  Dog looked most disgruntled but he seemed to cheer up when I explained that he’d have a bigger garden to run around in if we moved.

Then he let off an almighty Pedigree Chum fart and all my good work was ruined.

PM

Got a text from Mrs S!

HLIB I X

Gave her a quick call to try to decipher the code.  Might need to give her a few more lessons as all she’d been trying to say was ‘HI LIBBY I LOVE MY NEW PHONE X’

Wednesday 6
^th
May

One set of viewers seemed very keen on the house and said they’d be getting back to the estate agent with an offer.

When the agent rang with the news it was almost a piss-take.  They’d dropped twenty grand off the asking price and it was as much as I could do not to tell our friendly spiv Dean where they could shove their offer.

Was feeling quite despondent and when I heard my mobile, signalling a text, I was fully expecting the worst - another threat.

Instead I was delighted to receive this from Pritesh:

GOT A GUY INTERESTED IN BUYING BOTH THE COTTAGES TO KNOCK THRU INTO 1.  CAN WE POP ROUND AT 8?

Yippee!  How sweet that our house will be joined with Mrs S’s.  Quite fitting I think.

PM

Mr Andopoulos was a delightful Greek Cypriot with bucket loads of dosh and the roundest little tummy I’ve ever seen on a man.

The two cottages are exactly what he’s looking for, he’s a cash buyer, instantly offered the asking price and everything is just perfect.  We could be in our new house as quickly as six weeks from now.

I just know that this is meant to be because everything has fallen into place so seamlessly.

Thursday 7
^th
May

The chatter at the school gates is fizzing with excitement for tomorrow night.  Gestapo announced that she’s “selflessly” made the decision to become a contestant as she feels it would be a totally altruistic gesture for her charity and she’d never forgive herself if she passed up the opportunity to volunteer her services for such a worthy cause.

Oh how
nice
of her.  What a
delightful
thing to do.  Stupid cow!  Hope she falls on her ridiculously skinny arse and breaks her fake nose in the process.

Altruistic,
my fanny!

PM

Ned suggested that I change my mobile phone number to see if it makes any difference to the texts.  I can see his point but it’s such a hassle as just about everyone at the school would have to know my new number anyway and it would still have to be printed on all the CCL letters.  Assuming it’s someone at the school …

I’m going to stick it out and hope that it dies a natural death.  Surely they’ll get bored eventually when they realise I’m not rising to the bait.

Another text from Mr S.

“HARRY HAS TAUGHT ME TO TEXT.  I AM EXPERT NOW. LOL X”

LOL! 
Harry sounds a hoot and I’m so happy she’s made a friend.  Must have a proper chat with him on my next visit.  See if he’s suitable for her and check out his credentials.

Phone call from Lou - surprise, surprise, they’re not coming to London.  She’s decided that the trains travel too fast and driving isn’t an option because it would mean being on the motorway and they would surely die.

I just give up!

Friday 8
^th
May

Beauty Contest tonight

Didn’t see Fenella at the gates this morning, which was odd as we’d arranged to meet for coffee.  Tried her mobile, which was switched off, so I called her home number. Josh answered and said that he was on household duty for a couple of days and she was having a day out, but he had not idea where she was.

“Sadly, Lib, if I know my wife, wherever she is it will involve spending copious amounts of money and returning home with a pile of shiny carrier bags to have something new for tonight.  If you
should
manage to track her down, wrestle her to the ground and save my credit cards.  
Please!
”

Thought it a bit strange that she’d let me down without a word of warning but thought no more of it as I had coffee with Patience and Rachel instead.

We’re all sharing a table tomorrow night along with Jenny and Colin, the Anti-Meemies and their other halves.  Looking forward to a good giggle and wearing my ‘new’ charity shop dress.

It’s ‘Ghost’ for goodness sake and only fifteen quid - why would I want to buy new?

PM

No Fenella at the gates
again
at pick-up and I got lumbered with Barbie for ten minutes telling me all about her preparations for this evening.

Her teeth are now so white I practically needed sunglasses.  They reminded me of the scene in ‘Friends’ when Ross overdoes the whitening process.  They’re really quite mesmerizing and I found myself talking purely to
them
in much the same way as Letchy would do to her tits.

Gestapo jogged past with her personal trainer and waved across.  “One last run to get the endorphins going for tonight, then it’s off to the salon.  Laters, ladies.”

Letchy stopped in his tracks as he watched her make her way across the road, his head darting from side to side like a Wimbledon tennis spectator, trying to decide whether to ogle Gestapo in spray-on Lycra or cop any eyeful of Barbie’s gleaming cleavage.

Oh I’m
so
looking forward to tonight!

Saturday 9
^th
May

‘An evening that will go down in history’, is all I can say about last night.

Well no, that’s not strictly true, there’s a whole heap more I can say about it but I have to be able to do it justice and get down all the juiciest facts.

Oh, where do I begin?

First off we arrived in the school hall, which had been totally transformed.  A central cat-walk ran down to meet the stage, silk curtains framed the area and the tables and seating area were fitting of an Oscar ceremony.

The ‘judges’ - Letchy, Actor-Wankor and Dan - were all dolled up in DJ’s and bow ties and seated behind a velvet-covered table sipping champagne and taking themselves far too seriously.  Although, I have to say, Dan looked slightly uncomfortable at the thought of spending a night looking at mothers in swimwear.  Letchy, on the other hand, was ruddy-faced and positively sweating at the prospect of the night ahead.  He was even rubbing his podgy little hands together just as I’d imagine he’d do at ‘Spearmint Rhino’.

We settled at our table - me, Ned, Patience, Pritesh, Rachel, Mike, Jenny and Colin and we waited for F&J - I assumed she was having a hard time settling Darcy and hoped she wouldn’t miss any of the fun.

Josh eventually arrived, looking a little flustered, and joined us at the table.  “Fenella’s not feeling too good.  She’ll try to pop along later but I doubt it very much.  She’s been in the bathroom for the last hour.”

I was
so
disappointed.  Potentially the biggest laugh of our time at Manor House and I might not have my side-kick to enjoy it with.

So my slightly deflated evening began with H&B taking the stage and welcoming us all.  Hinge was resplendent in a moth-eaten sequinned number and Bracket was in a tartan maxi skirt topped off with a manky feather boa.  They were co-hosting the night in a maiden aunt version of Ant & Dec.

The circus began with swimwear and we were treated to varying takes on the theme - G-strings for those who wanted to show nearly everything they had on offer, sparkles and spangles, vertiginous heels to make legs look endless and 1920’s bloomers with a snorkel and flippers for Dress-up-Mummy - what
is
that woman on?

Just as I thought I’d seen it all, Barbie appeared in a gold crocheted bikini accessorised with garter and knife à la Lara Croft (obviously for all the fish she needs to gut on Planet Barbie?) and I received a text from Mrs S:

HOPE YOU ENJOY SURPRISE TONIGHT. SHE IS CRAZY WOMAN. WANT PHOTOS X

Thinking she’d totally lost the plot, I was about to lean over and have a word to Pritesh when my attention was drawn to Hinge.

“And our final entrant for the swimwear section is the lovely Fenella Hunter-Barnes.”

Well you could have slapped our butts and called us all Charlie - Nic’s stock phrase was never more appropriate.

Our table did a collective jaw drop combined with nine sharp intakes of breath as we saw Fenella shimmy along the catwalk.  Her glorious bosoms were well supported in what looked like an extremely expensive piece of construction and what was left of her baby tummy was covered artfully in a beautiful sarong.  She was barefoot and almost bare faced (but I
know
Fenella, that look would have taken
hours
) and she looked like a beautiful glowing mermaid, fresh from the sea.

I saw the three judges visibly swoon in front of my very eyes. 
At last,
a natural beauty!

Josh just looked dazed - hardly surprising really - “ill in the bathroom”, my foot!  It dawned on me that even
he
hadn’t known about her surprise.

But Mrs S had!  Ha ha!  I could just see Fenella visiting her and filling her in on her secret.  She’d have
loved
it.

Hinge was interviewing Fenella who was looking very cool and calm - not an ounce of nerves or a hint of beauty queen gushing.  I could see the other contestants, who were now lined up at the side, looking daggers at her.  They weren’t feeling quite so confident now - a dark horse had entered the arena and things weren’t looking so rosy for them any more.

There was a brief break after the first round, obviously so that the contestants could change for the ‘sporty’ heat.  Our table remained in complete shock for a moment and then we all started babbling at once - what had made her change her mind, why was she doing it, why had she not told anybody other than Mrs S, could she be in with a chance of winning it?