The Douchebag Bible (24 page)

what you like and really hate what you hate.

Counter-Culture.
Don’t like the values of the
vox populi?

Create your own value system and find others with similar ones.

Once this was hard, but in the internet age it’s significantly

simpler. The drawback is that such groups can become too

clickish and cult-like.

Ultimately, no solution is the perfect solution. They all have their

share of pros and cons—but even at their most problematic they

are preferable to the bland life of servitude that I thoroughly

criticized in the previous section.

My Various Failed Subversive

Revolutions

This chapter is something of an aside that explains my credentials

as a revolutionary. They are less than impressive and often make

me appear entirely repugnant, but I trust they will be amusing to

many of you.

The ASU

Atheist Scum United was founded on April 4th, 200719 with the

purpose of pissing a lot of people off. It quickly came under fire

from moderate atheists for its extremist stances and hostile

conduct, and imploded on May 5th 200720, just barely a month

after it had launched.

The tactics, which included spam attacks on Christian

websites, driving Christians off of public forums like YouTube

and forming a lobby to get children removed from fundamentalist

households, were loathed by all but the most authoritarian

secularists.

Its true purpose was to elevate me to cult-leader status and

build a following of extremist adulators to funnel money into my

pocket and obey my directives, which would have always been

aimed at wreaking social havoc.

Sadly, because of my home environment at the time and

the stupidity of those who I exploited as partners in the venture,

19 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2wdo98GAvmA

20 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BlXCMv78Uk

the whole thing went to hell in a hand basket. Private documents

explaining ASU tactics leaked to the public before they had been

polished down into something more bland and inoffensive and

the backlash was tremendous. The ASU wound up spending all of

its time defending its own existence and soon collapsed under the

weight of its own bloated incompetence. It remains my most

public attempt at destroying the social order and my most public

failure.

Feminist Rape Plot

In 2005 and 2006 I posed as an extremist feminist named Martha

Stanton 21 who advocated a number of extreme measures for

creating a matriarchal society on various online forums and in a

few small newsletters. Of the numerous opinions of Martha

Stanton, I shall illuminate a few:

7. The rape of men through the use of alcohol (or other

intoxicating agents) and large strap-on dildos. The stated

objective here was to make men realize that they could be

victims as well, thus engendering new empathy between

the sexes.

8. Many feminist extremists (hereafter referred to as

feminazis) advocate the abortion of all male babies, but

that wasn’t subversive enough for Martha. She instead

advocated giving birth to male children but raising them

to obey and worship women, to treat them like dogs and to

21 This is not the actual name I used, but for legal purposes, it will suffice here.

never love them.

9. Martha demanded that the word man be stricken from the

dictionary and that all words describing manliness of

masculinity (such as manliness and masculinity) be

removed from the language as well. In doing so, Martha

believed that men would lack the ability to express

themselves as different from women and the divisions

between the sexes would diminish.

10. Martha said that newly-wed brides should have lesbian

orgies on the night of their honeymoon and that they

should divorce their husbands the next day without ever

sleeping with them. I don’t even remember her rationale

for this one.

11. Martha wanted certain boys to be raised on farms and

cultivated as meat for women so that man recognized his

place as an animal.

12. Martha wanted 95% of boys castrated at puberty.

13. Martha demanded that only girls be allowed access to

education because the violent tendencies of men led them

to use their education only to make bombs and guns.

Martha’s ideas never caught on. She spent most of her time

arguing with less extreme feminists (such as all of them) and was

banned from countless forums. The newsletters that printed her

work subsequently came under fire and would not publish future

articles. She did, interestingly enough, acquire a somewhat

sizable circle of male sexual submissives in the BDSM lifestyle,

but these were useless to her purpose of creating a matriarchy and

even more useless to my purpose of fucking the world up royally.

The Pricks & The SSS

As a young lad, I attended the private school of Crestdale22. I

remember very little about the school, as I am largely a forward-

thinking person, not often given to reminiscence. I do, however,

recall the school song, taught to us by a balding and hopefully now

dead asshole named Dave23.

Crestdale school is number one!

We make learning fu-un!

Well I know!

(clap clap)

Well I know!

(clap clap)

‘Cause Crestdale’s where I go!

Even as a boy I found that song to be completely inane drivel. I

was fond of some of the other songs we sang, such as
“Ghost of

John”
and “
Oh, You Can’t Get To Heaven,
” but I digress.