The Douchebag Bible (25 page)

What I remember most of all though were my friends Luke,

Nick and What’s-His-Face and our two clubs: The SSS (School

22 Once again, for legal reasons, I am not using the real name here.

23 His name may really have been Dave, actually. I don’t quite know.

Sucks Shit) and The Pricks (this name was a double entendre in

that we were admittedly asshole and that we all carried around

thumbtacks with which to stab other children). I don’t recall if

School Sucks Shit ever had a theme song, but I know that The

Pricks did.

We are the pricks!

We prick you in the dick!

Dow dow dow!

Dow dow dow dow dow!

Dow dow dow!

Dow dow dow dow dow!

Granted, it was only slightly less inane that the Crestdale theme

song, but it was a hell of a lot more “
fu-un”
.

In either incarnation of our club, our primary agenda was

to fuck up our uptight private school, which we all despised with

every fiber of our angst-crammed preteen minds. Threatening

letters to teachers, harassment, the infliction of tiny puncture

wounds upon our peers, lifting up the girl’s skirts, making fun of

the kid whose older brother had committed suicide—nothing was

above or beneath us.

Pretty much all of us were expelled from Crestdale or asked

to leave, so I guess we must have been a threat to the established

order. At 8-years-old I had managed my first and thusfar my last

successful subversive movement.

Democracy Is Fascism By Consensus

I am an atheist in a country with a religious majority, where the

majority rules. If ever a law were to come before the voters that

somehow restricted the rights of those who do not believe in God,

how would they vote? I imagine they would vote similarly to how

11 states voted on the issue of gay marriage in 2004.

The question posed to the American people was simple: do

these people deserve the right to enter into the same social

contracts that we do? Let’s take a look how that turned out.

BAN SAME-SEX MARRIAGE?

YES

NO

Arkansas

75%

25%

Georgia

76%

24%

Kentucky

75%

25%

Michigan

59%

41%

Mississippi

86%

14%

Montana

67%

33%

North Dakota

73%

27%

Ohio

62%

24%

Oklahoma

76%

24%

Oregon

57%

43%

Utah

66%

34%

There you have it, Mr. Franklin, three wolves and a sheep voting

on what to have for dinner.

Where are the well-armed sheep to contest this vote?

Where are those who defy the masses of dumb asses and shove

the narrow-minded pettiness of the populace down its own throat?

As George Carlin once said, “We don’t have people like that in this

country.”

People must have control over their destiny and the

direction of their country, but just as murders cannot murder

without consent, populations cannot strip one-another of

inalienable rights. If your pursuit of happiness includes fucking

other members of your own sex, then it is un-American for us to

put it to a vote. If desegregation were put to a vote, blacks might

still be drinking from the black water fountain and we certainly

wouldn’t have a man named Barack Hussein Obama in the

highest office in the land.

A system where 51% of the people can rule over the other

49% doesn’t make much sense, either ethically or pragmatically.

Having a leader who only represents the values of a little over half

of your country makes no sense. The fictional character spider

Jerusalem from Warren Ellis’ comic book masterpiece

Transmetropolitan
explained it best:

“You want to know about voting? I’m here to tell you

about voting. Imagine you’re locked in a huge underground

nightclub filled with sinners, whores, freaks and unnamable

things that rape pit bulls for fun. And you ain’t allowed out until

you all vote on what you’re going to do tonight.
You
like to put

your feet up and watch
Republican Party Reservation
.
They
like

to have sex with normal people using knives, guns, and brand

new sexual organs that you did not know existed. So you vote for

television, and everyone else, as far as your eye can see, votes to

fuck you with switchblades. That’s voting. You’re welcome.”

The sole qualm I have with this analogy is that we’re not

lone dissenters at the mercy of an overwhelming mob. We have

numbers. If you’re gay—or just a freedom-lover who wants to

fight for the beaten down—then fight those who seek to pass laws

against gay marriage. Don’t vote against the measure because

doing so is a tacit admission that voting on such matters is the

proper thing to do. Instead, challenge the very notion that such

things should be voted on. If you can’t win on that basis, then it’s

time to get more extreme. For my own legal safety I can’t tell you

what extremes you might go to to preserve freedom, but I’ll tell

you what Thomas Jefferson had to say about it.
“The tree of

liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of

patriots and tyrants. It is its natural manure.”