The Douchebag Bible (53 page)

spaceship had crashed onto the moon and we had

to beat the soviets to it. The scenes explaining this

are run through so fast that you feel like the movie

is being edited by a meth-freak with an attention

span measured in micro-seconds. It felt as if

Michael Bay were resentful that he had to actually

tell a story and wanted to get through it as quickly

as possible so that he could get to the movie he

really wanted to make: tight shots on Rosie

Huntington-Whiteley’s ass/tits and gratuitous

amounts of often nonsensical explosions.

Why do I say it was “as if” Michael Bay resents

story? He does. He simply hates narrative structure

and character development. Michael Bay doesn’t

just breeze through story elements, he blasts

through them as quickly as he can like an ADHD

child unwrapping Christmas Presents. He shows

utter contempt for storytelling as an art form. He

views plot, story and character as things that exist

to taint his otherwise perfect universe of PG-13

sensuality and wanton violence.

Shia Labitch returns as the repugnant

crybaby “hero” of our story, Sam Witwicky. I’m all

for complaining, ladies and gentlemen, but this

asshole complains about everything, even though

his life is amazing. In the first film, he’s a white

teenager from an upper middle-class family and he

whines about his dad being a cheapskate. Fine. He’s

an adolescent.

In the second film, he’s a young adult who’s

dating Megan Fox, owns a sexy Camero that turns

into a giant robot who will do anything to protect

him and his parents are footing the bill for him to

attend an Ivy League school where even more girls

inexplicable want to sleep with him. Sounds pretty

sweet, right? Well, he still manages to bitch about

it.

In this newest film he has a brand new

girlfriend of implausible hotness who has a

gorgeous house, a cushy job and supports him both

emotionally and financially. AND HE’S STILL A

WHINEY FUCKING BITCH! Why? Because he feels

that his life isn’t meaningful enough. You saved the

world twice you fucking asshole! How much more

significant do you need your life to be?

Sam literally spends the first 40-60 minutes of

the movie complaining about how no one

recognizes how awesome he is and boasting to

everyone he meets about how he saved the world

twice and got a medal from the President. This is

what passes for heroism in the 21st century folks:

fuck selflessness, fuck humility, fucks reluctance,

fuck struggle—it’s all about the bragging rights. I

saved the world, man, isn’t that cool? It’s akin to

Superman
wishing
for Brainiac to come along

and kill some people so that he can save the day and

Metropolis can see how cool he is for the 700th time.

Sam’s girlfriend, Carly, as played by Rosie

Huntington-Whiteley, is hardly even worth

mentioning. She has the personality of a box of

Nilla Wafers. Sugary and boring. She exists mainly

as one of Michael Bay’s props. He might as well

have stapled a pair of tits and an ass onto a mop for

all the liveliness she injects into the role.

I also regret to inform you that Kevin Dunn

and Julie White are back as Sam’s unwatchably

grating parents. I guess they’re supposed to be

comedy relief, but they only serve to cement your

despair—it's like being forced to see Jay Leno

monologues in between having your teeth pulled.

It’s not a relief, comedic or otherwise. It’s insult to

injury.

The

Transformers

themselves

are

interchangeable masses of metal. As far as I can tell,

the principle difference between the autobots and

the decepticons is that the decipticons tend to have

sharp teeth and be more drably colored. I guess

there’s a philosophical difference between the two

of them as well? One is generically good and the

other is generically evil. It’s never explained beyond

that. Freedom and tyranny are tossed around as

concepts, but neither is explored in the slightest.

The plot really doesn’t matter much, but it

boils down this: there are these things called pillars

that look like big metal dildos and they’re capable

of opening a huge portal. The decepticons have

them, but they can only be used by Sentinel Prime,

who was the former leader of the autobots. He

disappeared shortly before the end of the original

war between the autobots and the decepticons and

it was his ship, carrying the pillars, that crashed

into the moon back in the 60’s.

Here’s where it gets dumb (even dumber, I

mean). Sentinel Prime betrays the autobots. It

turns out that before the destruction of cybertron

(the transformers’ home planet) Sentinel Prime and

Megatron made a deal that Sentinel Prime would

meet Megatron on earth and they would transport

their entire planet to earth’s atmosphere so that

humans could be used as slave labor to repair the