The Douchebag Bible (54 page)

planet. So, yeah, Sentinel Prime is evil. I will now

list all of the reasons why this is fucking retarded:

•
In the first film, it was said that Megatron was

discovered frozen in ice in 1894. How long he

was there, we don’t know, but that means this

deal couldn’t have been made before 1894. In

1894 there were only about 1.5 billion people

on earth, with little grasp of technology

whatsoever. Megatron and Sentinel Prime

conspired together to get 1.5 monkeys (most of

whom had yet to industrialize) to rebuild their

technologically advanced planet?

•
Why would they make that deal when the

allspark still existed at that time? The allspark

had the power to restore cybertron, and

Megatron had come to earth to find it

according to the first film. So, was this plan

with Sentinel just his shitty back-up plan?

•
If Megatron is the leader of the decepticons

and Sentinel Prime was the leader of the

autobots, then how could Sentinel Prime be a

traitor? When two leaders agree to end a

conflict and fight for a common goal, their

followers tend to—I don’t know—FOLLOW!

•
I’m sure it probably conflicts with some of the

plot points in Revenge of the Fallen as well,

but honestly I can’t bring myself to even

remember what the plot of that movie was at

this point.

None of this matters, however, since the movie

drops the plot entirely after the first hour in favor

of the longest, most mind-numbingly boring, non-

stop “action” sequence I have ever had the

misfortune of suffering through. Chicago is

destroyed so many times over that you start to

swear you’ve seen the same building fall 10 times

by the time it’s done. You don’t care about anyone

on either side and, in the case of the Transformers,

you can barely tell them apart. Stuff explodes.

Everyone gets dirty but Carly (because I guess

Michael Bay doesn’t think dirty girls are hot). Her

ability to stay clean in a city rocked with explosions,

collapses, dust, dirt, fire and ash would be a glaring

inconsistency in most movies—here it’s almost

expected.

At the end of the movie, almost as if Michael

Bay ran out of time, Optimus Prime suddenly

becomes a super badass and kills all of the

decepticons in like 30 seconds. I wanted to scream

at the screen, “Why didn’t he fucking do that in the

first place!?” He could have saved me hours of my

time and, more importantly, my sanity.

After the film, my mind was so numb that my

family and friends found me wandering the

parking lot like a lost dog, unable to speak, unable

to process what I'd just suffered. Don't see this

movie.

Bay's Transformer films are particularly egregious

example of how mind-numbingly awful much of our

entertainment is, but he's not unique in his

pandering to the lowest common denominator. And

when it comes to movies, I think a good deal of the

blame for this lie with the lackluster crop of critics

that currently populate sites like Rotten Tomatoes.

Kung-Fu Panda 2's positive reviews are a good

example of this decline in standards. Kung-Fu

Pando 2 is an inept work of brain-dead cinema that

substitutes racial stereotypes and bright colors for

character development and a coherent narrative. I

defy anyone to describe any of the secondary

characters to me without relying solely on their

appearance. Is the monkey smart? Is the crane

tenacious? We don’t know. We don’t care. They’re

just there as toy-fodder for Happy Meals so that kids

across America can be as fat as the kung-fu panda

themselves.

I’m told I’m a cynic for hating movies like this,

but the real cynics are the jaded assholes who peddle

this pablum to us and expect us to accept it. And we

reward their cynicism with rave reviews and

financial success! No one made Kung-Fu Panda 2

because it was a story that burned in their chest, a

story that they just had to share with the world. It

was made for the sole purpose of making fat wads of

greasy money by pandering to the dumb masses—a

fact which is evident in every frame.

And don’t even get me started on X-Men: First

Class!

If you've seen that movie, I have a simple

question for you: How the fuck did they get off the

island? Seriously. At the end of the movie it's

Professor X, his human girlfriend, the guy who

shoots energy, the guy who can … uh, scream really

loud, Beast and that’s it. They’re trapped on a small

island. They’re surrounded by Russian and

American ships full of humans who want them dead.

HOW THE FUCK DID THEY ESCAPE? None of

them have powers that could have enabled all of

them to escape. And the humans are hostile, so they

weren’t rescued. What the fuck happened?

Perhaps I'm nit-picking, but that's a pretty big

plot hole to forgive when nothing else in the movie

works.

Charles (Professor X) and Erick (Magneto) are

somewhat developed as characters, but the other

characters are flat as pancakes. And this might be

acceptable if they were at least superficially cool—