The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (43 page)

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Authors: Phyllis R. Koch-Sheras

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BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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trouble learning how to "calculate" some difficult assignments in his own life.
After coming to these insights through his dreamwork, Donald said, "I had a new appreciation for John's and my own abilities, as well as more patience for both of us in the learning process. I listened to the calming sound of the waves, and acknowledged John later that morning for how much he had accomplished in school the year before and how proud I was of him. We then created a new vision for our relationship and for the coming school year, with positive expectations for what John would accomplish and how to make it happen. I still remember the dream and think of it whenever I get impatient with John or myself."
You don't have to wait for a dream to "wake you up" to the possibilities of creating new visions about your child's struggles and accomplishments. As soon as you notice the negative expectations you have about your child in any situation, you can change your "story" to a vision that empowers both you and your child.
Jill, whose ten-year-old son, Wayne, was extremely nervous about being in large crowds or going anywhere without her, sought help from a therapist. Wayne was helped by the therapist to create a vision of going to a public event he wanted to attend, feeling secure, and having a good time. This vision evolved into an image of him and a friend going to the fair with his mother in the background; next, he could see himself having fun on the roller coaster without his mom around. Wayne explained, "I use these stories a lot now, and they help me ignore my nervousness."
The therapist then helped Jill create a positive vision for their next family weekend event and had her share it with Wayne. Jill changed her expectation of "I know all the prob-
 
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lems that will occur" to "We're going to have a great time!" She wrote out her proclamation, showed it to her husband, and took it with her on the outing, referring to it whenever she got worried. They all thought about the positive vision throughout the weekend and had a wonderful time. They continue to create visions and make up stories with happy endings for the various challenges Wayneand the whole familyfaces as he grows up.
Adolescence
Perhaps the most difficult time of development for both parents and children alike is adolescence, usually lasting from age eleven to about age nineteen or even longer, depending on the child. There are so many challenges and changes to confront at this time of transitionphysical, emotional, sexual, intellectual, and social. Difficult as it is, children usually commiserate with their friends, but parents often have only each other, and even then, you may not agree with your spouse, or perhaps still worse, the other parent may be completely out of the picture. As with the other stages of development you have gone through, your dreams and visions are there to help you deal with your own feelings and those of your adolescent.
Aside from dealing with the challenges our adolescents face, parents are also confronting changes in their own development. Whether we like it or not, we are aging as fast as our children are. Though we may not want to face the reality of these changes in our waking life, they will show up in our dreams. Delores had the following dream about her twelve-year-old daughter, Karen.
 
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Soccer and the Crib
I'm at a soccer tournament in a convention hall. I go to look for Karen, who is playing in it. I find Karen in a large room sleeping in a crib. She's about the size of a six- or seven-year-old. I pick her up and put her in a bed and lie down next to her. I tell her that she may want to sleep here now instead of in the crib. She's not so sure.
Delores had this dream on her fiftieth birthday, which was a major transition for her. It was also the week that her daughter got her first menstrual period, an event that the dream seemed to indicate strongly affected both of them. To Delores, the dream represented a parallel physical transition in her own lifethe beginning of menopause: "Working on the dream helped me see that both menses and menopause represent a separation from mother and the mothering parts of myself. It is time to put the crib away as I complete the stage of my life when I have babies. Reaching fifty makes me realize that I am definitely not going to have any more children."
In the dream, the Karen part of her is ambivalent about making the transition to a new "bed," that is, the stage of life that requires giving up the "crib," that is, those younger years that represent having or being a small child. Soccer and the convention hall symbolize older, more mature parts of Karen, who started playing soccer when she was "a six- or seven-year-old," and of Delores, who often attended conventions as part of her profession. Through her dreamwork, Delores found a way to come to terms with this major transition in her life.
In addition to the dramatic physical changes during adolescence, significant emotional and psychological developments are also occurring. Adolescents are learning, or finding out they need to learn, to take care of themselves and manage their own lives. Letting go of our old notions of our children being help-
 
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less is difficult and may bring up intense feelings about both our children and ourselves. That is what Warren discovered shortly before his son left for college, when he examined the following dream.
The Kiss of Death
I'm in a boardroom. Two men get up and start arguing. One of the men has two men with him from the Mafia. The other man, dressed in black, grabs him and says, ''How could you do that to me?" The Mafia guy starts hitting and kicking him over and over. I'm horrified that no one stops it. Both men end up on the floor, reaching out to touch each other's hands. They move closer to each other and start to kiss. Someone says something, and they stop. I wonder if it is "the kiss of death." I'm scared.
This dream brought up for Warren the helpless ("How could you do that to me?") part of his son and also that part of himself. He was extremely worried about Jeremy leaving home and making the adjustment to college. After examining this dream using dream language, Warren saw that these fears reminded him of those insecure parts of himself that came up when he left for college many years ago. They were still coming up now. "Having the Mafia men beat up that part of me," he said, "was actually a positive thing. While frightening and painful, it was a way to get rid of the notion of the helpless part of me and of Jeremy. I had been holding onto that notion at some level for a long time, and it was no longer useful. It was time to say good-bye to it, to give it 'the kiss of death.' " After these insights, Warren was able to feel more relaxed and confident about Jeremy's departure. He was also able to bring this feeling of confidence into his work life (''the boardroom") and forge ahead on some large projects he had been having difficulty with.

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