The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (45 page)

BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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appreciate dreams. Although you certainly want to comfort and reassure your children, you don't want them to miss out on the tremendous value sharing dreams can have for all of you.
The dramatic images and events of dreams often reflect issues that a child is trying to come to grips with in waking life but may be unaware of or unable to share. By talking about the desert dream, for example, Samantha and her mother noticed things they might have otherwise ignored. They had been vacationing at the beach, and the next morning they would be leaving the beach and the new friends they had made there. The dream revealed that this departure was bringing up feelings of fear and loss for Samantha, feelings that also related to the recent death of her grandfather. At first Samantha said that "it was too scary to talk about," until she and her mother began looking at her dream. Samantha was able to talk a little about her fears of dying, and the whole family was able to discuss their feelings of loss as they never had before. Samantha's mother said it was "an intimate and memorable moment for us all."
Discussing a child's dream is like sharing a secret. There is an experience of mutual adventure and delight when working on dream stories and a real opportunity to provide support when the images are fearful, as they were for Samantha. Parents can comfort their sons and daughters, hug them, and be reassuring about understanding frightening events in their dreams. For most of us, this kind of intimacy is a fond memory we have of being a parent and of being a child as well.
Although young children may not be prepared to deal with the psychological interpretation of dreams, they can still benefit from many of the other, more playful and intuitive approaches presented in earlier chapters. They see dream sharing as an exciting kind of storytelling, and they soon learn to look forward to it, blissfully unaware that it is also good for them.
 
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Listening to their dreams can also help you to understand them better and make you more sensitive to their needs as they grow and change.
The first step in family dreamwork is encouraging your children to share their dreams and feelings with you. The best way to accomplish this is by example. Share some of your own dreams with your children, and ask them about theirs over breakfast, while driving in the car together, or at bedtime. Make it a fun activity for the whole family. Once you start telling your dreams to your children, they will often spontaneously begin talking about their own dreams more often. Be prepared to answer their questions and help them deal with whatever comes up in your dreamwork together. You and your spouse can use many of the approaches you have already learned from working on your own dreams. Here is a review of some of them and how to use them with your children.
Give the Dream a Title
After your child has shared a dream, you can begin working on it by asking her to give it a title. Doing this helps both of you identify the key figure or issues in that dream. One concerned working mother was put on alert when her eight-year-old daughter, Jane, gave her dream the following title:
"Your Family Doesn't Live Here Anymore"
I get off the school bus and run to our house. All of the doors are locked, and no one is home; I just sit on the stoop and wait. Then a lady comes up to the door and says, "Sorry, your family doesn't live here anymore."
Jane talked to her mother about her fear of being left or abandoneda basic fear all children have but usually don't
 
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talk about. It is a common theme in children's dreams, and one that deserves attention when it comes up. Jane and her mother made a list of all the neighbors Jane could go to for help if her parents weren't home. This list helped the child handle her anxiety about being left alone, without her fear taking over.
Distinguish Fantasy from Reality
For children, the line between imagination and reality is naturally blurred. Dream characters, including animals, seem more real to them. Patricia Garfield reports that children have many more animal characters in their dreams than adults do, and that the action in animal dreams is more likely to be violent. You can use your children's dreams and dream characters to help them understand the difference between the reality of their fears and the fantasy of their dream events. Children's fantasy life is an important part of their creative development, so take it seriously and listen carefully when it is expressed in their dreams. Once you and your child have distinguished fantasy from reality, the events in your children's dreams can be used to find clues about what can be done to alleviate their fears or imaginary concerns in waking life, as Jane and her mother did.
Create a "Dream Helper"
Jessie wakes up crying. She struggles to get out of bed, calling for her mommy. She kicks the covers off, knocking her stuffed animals helter-skelter. Last to hit the floor is the giant stuffed gorilla she received as a present last week for her fourth birthday. Jessie is sobbing uncontrollably when her mother, Pauline, enters the room. "Are you all right, sweetheart?" she asks.
"Mommy, Mommy! He was chasing me!"
"Who was, dear?"
"Mr. Big, Mr. Big was!"
 
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"Jessie, Mr. Big is just a stuffed gorilla."
"No, he isn't. He's alive."
"Jessie, dear, you were having a scary dream. Why don't you tell it to me if you can, OK?" Pauline puts her arms around Jessie and gives her a hug. They lie down side by side on the small bed as Jessie shares her dream.
Mr. Big
I get out of bed and go to look in my closet. There is a ladder in there. I start to climb up, but it's dark and I'm scared. Then I look down and see Mr. Big. He is climbing up behind me, trying to catch me. I go faster and faster, but so does he. He is getting closer. I am afraid of falling off. I can't get to the top, and he is right behind me.
Jessie starts to cry, just a little.
"Are you afraid of Mr. Big now?" Pauline asks. She reaches down and holds up the stuffed animal. Jessie shakes her head.
"Do you think maybe he just wanted to play with you in your dream?" Pauline continues. Jessie nods and reaches out to cuddle Mr. Big.
"Maybe you can take him along with you the next time you have a scary dream, and he could protect you, OK?" Jessie nods several times. All three of them share a big hug. "Why don't you and Mr. Big go back to sleep now, and I'll see you in the morning."
"OK, Mommy."
Pauline returns to her bedroom with a warm feeling. She is hoping her husband is awake so she can tell him what just happened. They love hearing about their children's dreams and how they work on them.
Creating dream helpers together with your children is an enlightening, enjoyable, and useful process. Dream helpers are

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