The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships (44 page)

BOOK: The Dream Sharing Sourcebook: A Practical Guide to Enhancing Your Personal Relationships
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Young Adulthood
Sometimes it may seem as if our children will never make it through adolescence. However, one way or another, they get older and move on in the natural order of things. As our children grow up, become young adults, and build their own lives, that transition brings with it new adjustments. This period of childhood development, perhaps more than any other, often arouses intense feelings of insecurity for parents and children alike. It is hard to accept that a child who has been living with you for so many years is suddenly gone. There is a huge void, no matter how difficult the previous years have been. Mothers who have devoted their whole lives to parenting may find themselves feeling useless, rejected, scared, or lonely. Both parents may have a hard time accepting their children's increasing separation and independence from them; they may feel responsible for the troubles that befall their children and, at the same time, powerless to protect them from the pain and disappointment that is an inevitable part of growing up. All these feelings will be reflected in the parents' dreams. It is not surprising, then, to find many middle-age parents of postadolescents having dreams such as the following one.
The Bay Bridge
I'm on the Bay Bridge in San Francisco with my husband and daughter, Julie. She is wearing a red wedding dress, standing on the edge of the bridge. I reach out to her, but she falls and sinks into the water. My husband doesn't help. I wake up in tears.
Pat had this dream shortly after her twenty-two-year-old daughter, Julie, left home for California. Julie had been having a lot of trouble making the adjustment. "This dream," Pat began, "was an emergency call to me that she needed my help.
 
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It put me in touch with the pain I felt about being separated from her and about what she was struggling with on her own." In working on the dream, Pat became aware that it was time for Julie to make a life of her own (the wedding dress). But she also saw that her daughter was in danger (the "red" color) and still needed her family at this "bridge" in their lives. "It got me in touch," Pat added, ''with the fact that Julie's predicament was not so much my fault as an issue for us allmy husband included. I took this dream as a message to go and get my daughter and find her some help.'' Subsequently, the whole family went into therapy together for a while, and Julie returned shortly to California with the entire family feeling better about her leaving.
Older Adult Children
Even after our children are completely grown up, with their own lives and families, there are still important issues to deal with. This is especially true as we come to the end of our own livesthe final separation from our children and others. Sharing dreams and visions at this time of life enables you to reveal untold or unknown truths to your children that can increase intimacy and improve the quality of your relationships. Marion, age seventy, was able to do this with her two reluctant daughters by discussing the following dream with them.
Life Passing By
I'm sitting in a room talking to my two daughters. I tell them that life is passing me by, and that I want them to know that our life spent together was important to me. I tell them to remember those enjoyable times.
 
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Marion's daughters had been reluctant to talk with her about her aging and imminent death. "Sharing this dream with them," Marion said, "gave me a way to communicate my desire that they feel no regret or guilt about anything that happened between us. I feel much better and closer to them since I shared this." In addition to working on and sharing your own dreams about your children, listening to their dreams is a vital part of family dreamwork.
Your Children's Dreams
"Mommy, Mommy!" cried five-year-old Samantha as she woke up one morning. "I had a scary dream. The beach turned into a desert, everyone dies, and we never got to go to the beach again!"
As every parent knows, nightmares like this one are a common occurrence for young children, making up more than 40 percent of the kinds of dreams children remember and report. When it comes to dreamwork, children have an advantage over their parents: They have more dreams in general than adults do, and their dreams tend to last longer. The younger the child is, in fact, the more frequently he or she dreams. Though all dreams are potentially valuable, a child usually labels them "good" dreams or "bad" dreams throughout their development.
In her excellent book,
Your Child's Dreams
, noted dream researcher Patricia Garfield describes the basic dream themes that occur under each of these categories, in order of frequency. Garfield writes that children remember more of the frightening or frustrating dreams than they do the pleasant or neutral ones, although girls' dreams tend to be "nicer" than boys' dreams.
Most children are not taught to appreciate dreams of any kind, however, and so do not always pay attention to them.
 
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They are often told by well-meaning but unknowing parents, "It's only a dream, dear. Go back to sleep." This, unfortunately, teaches them to dismiss rather than remember and

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