Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (57 page)
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Q. How do you know if a blonde likes you?
A. She screws you two nights in a row.
Old Mendel Rugelbaum was very old and suffering from a rare disease and could drink only human milk.
“How can I get human milk?” Mendel asked the doctor.
“Well, Ruby Finkelstein’s just had a baby, maybe she’ll help.”
So every day Mendel went to Ruby’s house for his daily feed. Ruby was a dark-eyed, big breasted lady who in spite of herself gradually became aroused as Mendel lapped at her ripe breasts.
One day as he quietly lay sucking, she whispered to him, “Tell me, Mr. Rugelbaum, do you like it?”
“Mmmm, wonderful,” he sighed.
“Is there...” she hesitated, her lips parted, eyes aglow. “Is there anything else you’d like?”
“As a matter of fact there is,” murmured Mendel.
“What?” Ruby asked breathlessly.
Mendel licked his lips. “Maybe a little cookie?”
“Doc,” says Steve, “I want to be castrated.”
“What on earth for?” asks the doctor in amazement.
“It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done,” replies Steve.
“But have you thought it through properly?” asks the doctor. “It’s a very serious operation and once it’s done, there’s no going back. It will change your life forever!”
“I’m aware of that and you’re not going to change my mind. Either you book me in to be castrated or I’ll simply go to another doctor.”
“Well, OK,” says the doctor, “but it’s against my better judgment!”
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
“Hi there,” says Steve. “It looks as if you’ve just had the same operation as me.”
“Well,” said the patient, “I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised.”
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, “Shit! THAT’S the word!”
Three women walk into a pet shop.
Suddenly the parrot yells out, “Yellow, pink, blue.”
The first lady says, “That’s funny, I’m wearing yellow underwear.”
The second lady says, “Well, I’m wearing pink.”
The third lady says, “No way, I’m wearing blue!”
To test the parrot, the next day all of them wear white and the parrot shouts, “White! White! White!”
The three women are amazed.
The final test is on the third day and just as they walk in the parrot yells, “Bald, curly and straight!”
They never went there again!!
Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.
“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”
“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
A trucker had driven his fully-loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making love.
He blew his horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the trucker walked up to the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
A man goes along to the Patent and Trademark Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.”
“OK,” says the clerk. “What do you call it?”
“A fottle,” replies the inventor.
“A fottle? That’s stupid! Can’t you think of something else?”
“I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”
“And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.
“A farton,” replies the inventor.
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