Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (61 page)
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A man was concerned about his failing eyesight and went to an optician. The optician said the man should stop masturbating.
The man asked, “Will I go blind?’
The optician said, “No, but you are upsetting all the people in the waiting room.”
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re great. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who’s brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now men, men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it’s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Little Johnny and his mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked his mother, “Mommy, how old are you?”
The mother responded, “Women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”
Little Johnny then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
His mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this too, as you grow up.”
Little Johnny, still wanting to know about his mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Johnny, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”
Then Little Johnny, frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. He consulted with his friend about his conversation with his mother.
His friend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driving license. It’s just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”
Later, Little Johnny and his mother were out and about again. Little Johnny began with, “Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
Little Johnny shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?” asked the mother again.
Little Johnny said, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
The other night I was invited out for a night with the boys. I promised my wife that I would be home by midnight!
Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times.
Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.
The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.”
A country doctor went to a very remote area to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the mother in labor and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
“Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”
A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Tell all of your sins, my daughter.”
“Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times,” she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, “Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.”
“Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?”
“No,” the priest says, “but it’ll wipe that smile off your face!”
Q. Why do tits have nipples?
A. Because without them they would be pointless.
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.
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