Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (59 page)
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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”
HUSBAND: “Sure, it’s a great house.”
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”
HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”
HUSBAND: “No, I’m sure she’d want her own.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND : “Shit.”
This lady goes to a vet and learns that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog’s penis he’ll roll over and stop snoring.
The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog’s penis. His snoring stops.
Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband’s penis, and he stops snoring.
The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog, then looks down at himself.
“I don’t know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second.”
Guts: Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
Q. Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.
Her diary:
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn’t flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him and he simply smiled and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior; I don’t know why he didn’t say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His diary:
Today the Giants lost. At least I got laid.
Having balls: Coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer and lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass, and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”
Once upon a time there was a woman who was about to have triplets.
In her womb the babies were talking to each other.
The first baby said, “I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here.”
The second baby said, “I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here.”
And the last baby said, “I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here I’m going to cut off its head.”
A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist gets the syringe ready to administer the anesthetic.
“No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient says.
The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.
“I can’t do the gas thing—the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”
The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.
“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow—I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill!”
“It doesn’t,” says the dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”
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