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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (58 page)

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“That’s obscene. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” says the inventor, “you’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

A. You can toss your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Roger is a hard worker and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.

One weekend his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.

The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey, Roger! How are you tonight?”

His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.

“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”

They are seated and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”

His wife’s eyes widen. “You must come here a lot!”

“No, no,” says Roger, “I just know her from volleyball.”

Then a stripper walks up to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says, “Roger! A table dance as usual?”

His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.

Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it.

At this, the cab driver leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday.

As they had only just started dating, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.

Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Macy’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girlfriend got the panties.

The guy sent the package to the girlfriend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed that you don’t wear any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to take off.

These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly dirty. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really great.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly, she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson wouldn’t pop up. But as she turned back, there standing next to her, was a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madam, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted simply from touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.”

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.

However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.

The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, “Preacher’s ass shows.”

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, “Preacher’s ass out in front.” The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.

The newspaper printed this headline, “Bishop scratches preacher’s ass.” This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal.

The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, “Nun has the best ass in town.”

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.

The paper states, “Nun peddles ass for ten bucks.”

They buried the Bishop the next day.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.”

“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public.”

“Hey, coola down, lady,” said the man. “Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.”