Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (62 page)
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While consoling the wife, one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.
The lady replied, “Well, we were in bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.”
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the pharmacist, “I need some condoms with pesticide on them.”
The pharmacist says, “They don’t make them with pesticide on them. You mean spermicide.”
The man says, “No, I need them with pesticide.”
The pharmacist says, “Why do you need them with pesticide?”
The man says, “Well, my old lady’s got a bug up her ass and I’m going in after it.”
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they won’t hump female legs at cocktail parties.
A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices that she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book! It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”
“Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you.”
In a small town the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it,” said the old ladies.
“Then why don’t you drive it away?”
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were told that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed, so we’re just waiting.”
The train was crowded and the U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman’s poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, “Ma’am, may I have that seat?”
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, “Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.”
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. “Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired.”
She snorted, “Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant.”
This time the Marine didn’t say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, “Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place.”
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, “Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”
A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick my husband just got home—go hide in the bathroom!”
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.
“Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you.”
“Okay,” the man replies, “I’ll go get ready.”
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
“Who the fuck are you?” the man asks.
“I am from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”
The husband exclaims, “But you are naked!”
The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.
“Those little bastards!”
Q. What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job still sucks.
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off.
Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his six-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?”
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It... it was only a bug, honey.”
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