The Honor Trilogy: Books One, Two, and Three of the Honor Trilogy (36 page)

Prom night is tonight.

I had talked to Mrs. Stevens earlier in the week to tell her my plans and ask her to have a dress ready for Honor.

Now I call Storm.

I hear his longing for Honor in his voice behind the words, but he is quite the gentleman when he says, “You know what? I think she’ll
love
that. I’m glad you thought of it.”

He says nothing after that, so I just say, “Okay. I just wanted you to know,” and then I hang up. I’m not sure why I had wanted him to know. Is it because I don’t want him there when I ring her doorbell? Probably. Is it because I think I have to check with him first before planning anything with Honor? That is more like it. But I have no idea why. She doesn’t belong to him. Nor has she ever. She did belong to me once. So why am I feeling like I’m horning in on Storm’s girl? It doesn’t make any sense.

After picking up my tux at the mall, I stop at the florist and get the corsage I’d ordered two days ago. My nervous stomach reminds me of how it felt the first time I asked Honor to go out with me – in the library’s vestibule. I think I fell in love with her that day. And if I hadn’t known for sure that day, my feelings were definitely sealed the day I dried her tears in the school’s hallway. Having her in my arms that day exposed emotions in me that I had never once experienced. And now…well, now I hold an unprotected heart because of her – it’s open and vulnerable and broken. Just like hers. My heart now feels the pain of others. My heart now hurts.

But my heart also has room to love and room to show my love. And tonight I will show Honor just how much I love her.

**

She glides through the living room – an angel floating on a cloud – dressed in the palest color of peach I’ve ever seen.

Because I arrive unannounced, when I first get to Honor’s house, she is dressed in a pair of dark blue sweats and a white t-shirt, her blond hair falling over her shoulders in two long braids. Her mother winks at me knowingly and walks out of the room. The look on Honor’s face when I show up in my tux is a look of disappointment – the frown on her pretty little lips is unmistakable.

“Oh. You’re going to the prom tonight?” She says so quietly. So sadly.

When I shake my head and smile, her frown picks up. Then I look over her shoulder at her mother holding up the peach dress she must have bought for this occasion. The tag was still hanging from the strap.

Honor looks at me then back at her mom. “But…but I can’t go. There’ll be too many people you said,” she says to her mother.

“Ethan has other plans for the evening.”

When Honor looks back at me with expecting eyes, I tell her, “I’m taking you to our own prom tonight.”

Her huge violet eyes smile. Her mouth follows. “Really?”

“Yes, now go put on that pretty dress your mom bought you.”

When she floats through the room in her pale peach gown, held up by only the thinnest straps on her shoulders, she resembles a goddess. Missing are her braids. In their place are soft waves that tumble down her back and a small gold clip clasped above her forehead. Her eyelids sparkle and her long black lashes accentuate her eyes, making them look almost purple. The soft glimmer of peach on her lips make me want to kiss the gloss right off them, they look so delicious.

Her smile is shy and sweet when I slide the corsage on her left wrist. I try to hide my tremulous hand, but Honor catches it and blushes. I slip my hand in
hers and tell her mom we won’t be back too late.

After helping her into the car and getting in myself, Honor asks where we’re going.

“Somewhere where we’ll be alone.”

Her pale peach cheeks blush again. Hopefully that’s a sign that she wants to be alone with me too.

We don’t talk the whole ride, but I chalk that up to nerves. She must be just as nervous as I am, since it’s been a while since we’ve actually been alone together. I miss how easy it used to be spending time with her.

Riding around Lake Hopatcong for a while, I finally pull into the parking lot of The Jefferson House, where my stomach has reached maximum anxiety.

“I’ve never been here before,” Honor says softly.

“No?” I ask, turning off the ignition. “Well, good. I like being the one to introduce you to some firsts.” I’m hoping my smile comes across as sweet and not creepy.

“No…but…is it a good idea to, you know, be in a crowded restaurant?”

I look around the near empty parking lot. It’s not busy at all. “It’s Thursday night, Honor, it’s not that busy. Besides, I reserved a private area for us.”

Her shallow dimple peeks when she gives me a lop-sided smile, which I find so adorable.

After closing her car door, I take her hand and walk her inside where we meet the hostess who brings us out to the deck on the lake.

“Oh my God, it’s so beautiful out here. And look, a table for two.” Honor giggles for like a tenth of a second, but it feels good to hear it. Honor hasn’t really let out a hearty laugh in a long time, and any giggle she lets out is progress. Most of her laughs lately have been the kind that come from the voice, not the diaphragm. This giggle, as short as it was, came from her diaphragm.

“That’s what I asked for. A place just for us,” I say, pulling out her chair for her to sit.

“Thank you,” she whispers when I push in her chair.

“You look beautiful tonight, Honor.”

Her peach cheeks blush a rosy pink again, and her dimple pops out. “Thank you.” She looks down at her hands and bites her lip. “Ethan,” she says slowly. “Thank you so much for this.” Honor looks around the lake and then at me. “This was really so sweet. Thank you.”

“Well you deserve some type of night out. It’s not fair for you to sit home while everyone else is having fun. Out of everyone, well, I think you need it the most.”

Honor’s blushing smile is interrupted by the waiter who takes our drink orders. But as soon as he leaves the table, I ask Honor to dance.

“But there’s no music.”

“Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong.”

I pull my mini Bluetooth speaker and iPhone out of my tux pocket. Taking Honor’s hand, I walk her to the open deck area and place the speaker on a small table next to the railing. I choose
the playlist I put together for tonight and press play. Laying the phone on the table, I take Honor in my arms and begin dancing with her to my first song choice – "Patient Love" by Passenger – a deliberate decision on my part. With my hands around her waist and hers around my neck, my stomach screams in anticipation when she lays her head on my shoulder. I press my cheek against her forehead and silently wish for this night to continue forever.

When the song ends, Honor lifts her head and peers into my eyes. “Thank you,” was all she said. The next song on my list is "Your Song" by Ellie
Goulding. Again, a deliberate choice on my part to put this song on the playlist for tonight – not only because the words make sense to me, but because I know it’s one of Honor’s favorite songs. She gives me one of those huge endearing smiles and her dimple sets me off. I kiss her right then. Her lips are soft and her tongue is sweet. Yet, though she kisses me back, I feel her holding back – it’s nothing like the first time we kissed. Because I’m so aware of this, I break our kiss, but continue holding her. Instead of letting on that I know she was holding back, I say, “I missed that.”

Honor’s head falls back on my shoulder. She’s not ready for kissing me. I understand. It could be me. It could be Storm. It could be the fact that she’s dying. So I won’t take it personally. She just needs to enjoy this night, and I won’t complicate it by putting my feelings into it.

When Ellie Goulding’s soft voice finishes telling us how wonderful life is, Honor and I walk hand in hand back to the table.

“So, Honor. Talk to me. You must have thousands of thoughts running through your head these days. I’m sure you want to scream.”

She lets her lips linger on her straw when she’s done taking a sip of her soda. “Yeah. I do.”

“You do what? Want to scream or have a thousand thoughts going on?”

“Both.” One little peach strap lifts when she shrugs her shoulder. “But mostly, I want to cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry about? Not saying I told you so?”

“I would never do that.” I take her hand in both of mine. “Honor, yes I wish you would have thought twice before saving all those people, but part of what makes you
you is your ability to feel and empathize.” I laugh at myself because what I just said is so obvious. “I mean, it’s your nature, but you also are just a truly genuine person. You trust your heart…” Suddenly I’m sad for her. “I just wish your heart was trustworthy.”

Honor lets out an ironic laugh – not one from her diaphragm. “Yeah. It did kind of fail me, didn’t it?”

“In a way.” I take a roll from the basket and butter it. Then I hand it to Honor and butter another one. “But don’t think about it. What’s done is done. I know they’ll find you a new heart. I just know they will. I feel it.”

A smile is on her face, but it doesn’t reach her mouth. “Do you
empath
feel it, or is it wishful thinking?”

With a sad sigh, I tell her the truth. “I guess it’s wishful thinking.”

A frown replaces her shallow smile.

“But hey, wishful thinking is a good thing. It means we’re thinking positively, and good things come from positive thinking.”

“Thanks,” she says.

When the waiter comes to take our order, Honor apologizes because we haven’t even looked at the menus. My chest grows warm when she promises to look at it right now.

“Honor, you’re too nice,” I say, opening my menu to follow through on her promise.

“It’s just courtesy.” She blushes.

“I know. Something not taught in public schools.” I sip my soda, while focusing on my menu.

“Oh, that’s not true. I think we are just not paying attention,” she retorts from behind her menu.

“And by
we
, you’re talking about in general, because certainly
you
always pay attention.”

When her finger brushes her hair behind her ear, I want to be the one to do that. “Are you calling me a nerd,
Eeth?”

I smile and tease her. “If the name fits.”

She slaps my hand teasingly, but I don’t let her take her hand away. I grip it in mine. “You know I’m teasing, right?” I ask.

I’m the recipient of another wholesome beautiful smile. “Of course.”

We hit a lull in the conversation, leaving time to actually look at our menus. When the waiter comes back, we’ve made our decisions.

“I’ll have the vegetarian enchilada,” Honor tells him.

“And I’ll have the house sirloin. Can you bring us an order of onion rings and sweet potato fries too please?”

“Sure.” He takes our menus and leaves us alone again.

“Let’s go.” I take Honor’s hand and lead us back to our dance floor on the lake.

I press the play button on my phone and let Ingrid
Michaelson’s version of "Can’t Help Falling in Love with You" lead us into dance. Of course I pick this song, because I hear Honor playing it on her piano all the time. I know it’s this version too, because she has her iPad sitting on top of the piano while the song plays and she accompanies it. In my heart, I pretend she’s playing the song for me, but I can’t get past the idea that it could be Storm that her heart feels when she hears the song.

“I love this song,” she states so passionately while hanging on to me.

“I know you do,” is my simple reply.

“This whole night has been so sweet, Ethan. I can’t believe you did this.”

“Only for you, baby.”

My whole body turns warm when Honor’s cheek inadvertently touches mine mid-dance. The smell of coconut that rises from her neck reminds me of the sweet summer sun and I smile to myself. Honor
is
the human equivalent to the sweet summer sun. Honor is
my
sun – she makes my world go ‘round. I just wish I could be the reason for her world standing on its axis.

During dinner, conversation is light until Honor brings up Shelby Marcus.

“What did you just say?” I ask, afraid I heard her wrong.

“I said that Shelby’s coming over Monday after school.” Honor puts a forkful of her enchilada in her mouth.

“Why?” My tone is harsh, I know it, but Shelby rubs me the wrong way.

Honor’s mouth still full, `she shrugs and shakes her head. Waiting impatiently for her to swallow her food, I take a bite of my own food before saying something that will ruin this evening.

“She called me today to see how I’ve been. We talked a bit and she asked if she could come over.” Honor, unaffected by my reaction, takes another bite of her dinner.

“Honor, I don’t like the idea of her hanging around you.” I push my plate away, because suddenly I’m sick to my stomach.

“Why? What’s the matter with Shelby? We kind of became friends after that whole
incident
,” Honor says, using air quotes around the word incident.

“That’s the whole reason, Honor.” I tap my fingers on the table, because I’m trying to keep my cool. “I don’t like her. She’s the whole reason you’re…you’re here in the first place. Had you not saved her from dying of bone cancer, your heart may still be strong enough to beat forever on its own.” Because I can’t stay still, I stand.

“Where’re you going, Ethan? What’s the problem?” Honor puts her hand to her chest as if it hurts.

I kneel down beside her. “I’m so sorry, Honor. I’m causing stress. Your heart hurts.”

“No, Ethan. Sit down. I’m fine. The food is spicy, that’s all. I just felt a little indigestion. But I do feel angry, so I know that is coming from you.” She runs her hand through my hair above my ear, so I take the opportunity and cover her hand with mine.

“I’m sorry, Hon. I just…I have had a problem with Shelby since the beginning. I hate that she used to bully you, and then you went and saved her life.” Standing, I pull Honor up with me and walk with her to the farthest railing that overlooks the lake. “If you hadn’t pulled her from death, you might not be here like this today.”

Honor chuckles. “And saving a plane load of people had nothing to do with it?”

It has everything to do with it, but because I don’t understand it, nor do I know those people, of course I need someone to blame. So I blame Shelby Marcus.

Turning Honor to face me, I run my thumb along the side of her jaw. “Why
did
you do that, Honor? Why did you risk your life for them?”

She nibbles her bottom lip and closes her eyes. When she opens them, she has tears threatening to fall out. “I told you. It hurt so bad I felt like
I
was dying.” She wipes a stray tear. “It was impossible to ignore them. Impossible. Ethan,” she wipes at her eye again, “if you felt what I felt, I think you would have done the same. It’s like…” She sniffs because her tears are falling freely now. And I can’t help but shed a few of my own. “It’s like, I hear the screams, you know, of all these people. Some of them kids. And I
feel
the screaming. The torment. The agony. They were all crying in the
worst pain
they had ever imagined. And to stand there, knowing I could take that away from them…well, how could I have chosen to turn away, Ethan? How could I do that?” She’s full-on sobbing now and she doesn’t bother to wipe the tears away anymore. “How could I live with myself if I just ignored them?”

I pull her close. My eyes
and
nose are running I’m crying so hard. It’s not just her words that get me. It’s what my heart is
feeling
that causes my wrecked emotions. Like I had said earlier, my heart is unprotected now. Especially when it comes to Honor. And all I can feel right now is the pain that Honor went through when her flight came crashing down. And the pain she relives explaining to me why she had done what she did.

“I’m so sorry, Honor,” I cry, sliding my hand down the length of her long waves. “I’m sorry I doubted you. I’m sorry I made you tell me the whole fucking story again. I’m just…I’m just so sorry.”

At this point, I don’t know whether I am comforting her or she is comforting me, but we’re both holding on to each other as if we couldn’t breathe without the other. I can feel her heartbeat against my chest, it’s pounding so hard. Then again, mine is pounding too, so it could be both of our heartbeats competing with each other. Now that I can truly feel – with my unprotected heart – I feel so selfish for keeping my powers locked up inside me. Though I hate to see Honor suffering the way she is now, I don’t blame her for saving the lives she has. Because right now, my chest hurts so badly that all I want to do is save Honor from herself. Alas, I can take away her immediate pain, but I can’t heal her heart.

The one thing she needs to keep her alive.

Holding on to her snugly yet comfortably, I use my hand to press firmly on her back right behind her heart. I close my eyes and concentrate on releasing her suffering of the memories of that night. Gradually I feel her heart slow down and her breathing return to normal. Thankfully, because we had been so wrapped up in our emotions, she doesn’t realize I am trying to take away her pain.

When both of us have shed our last tear, she looks me in the eyes. “What other songs you got on that playlist of yours?”

Planting a smiling kiss on her forehead, I take her hand and lead her to the dance floor. The next song on my playlist is Passenger’s "Let Her Go" – a song I chose for me. I wrap my arms around her waist as she drapes her arms above my shoulders, clasping her hands behind my neck.

“Thank you for making me feel better,” she whispers into my ear.

Not knowing whether she’s talking about purposely taking her pain away a minute ago or just in general, I say, “What do you mean?”

She slaps me gently on the shoulder. “I mean, I know what you did back there. Thank you.”

I shake my head and press my cheek to hers. “I thought I could do that without you knowing.”

“Nah,” she says, her cheek still pressed against mine, “I feel everything.”

“You do, don’t you?” And I’m sad when I say this, because it’s not fair for such a young girl to have to take on the weight of the entire world.

When the night is over and we’ve eaten the last of our tiramisu, I am sad to see the evening end.

“I appreciate tonight, Ethan. Thank you,” Honor says in the car on the way home.

“You’re welcome.” I glance at her, still keeping my eyes on the road. “I am sorry you had to miss the prom though.”

“It’s okay. I really never thought I’d ever go to one. I mean, my mom always home-schooled me until this year, so it’s not like it’s something I always dreamed about.”

Nothing I say to that would sound appropriate, so I remain quiet.

“But tonight…it was really special. I loved it.”

“Again, you’re welcome. You deserve good things, Honor.”

The rest of the ride is silent, but when we get to her house, I walk her to the door and kiss her on the cheek. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” I ask.

“I’d like that,” she says smiling.

I give her another kiss on the cheek and stand there until she goes inside and closes the door. I watch as the light in the window turns dark. That’s when I turn to get back into my car and dream about the night I just had with Honor.