The Honor Trilogy: Books One, Two, and Three of the Honor Trilogy (40 page)

My bed is warm and comfortable, but it’s Monday morning and finals week, which means I have to get up. I am so not looking forward to finals. With everything going on in Honor’s life, I have not even opened a book, let alone studied.

As I let the warm water rain down on me in the shower, I recall slighting Shelby for Honor. It took all I had to fall asleep last night because of it.
Why does it bother me that Honor’s voice stole my attention from Shelby?
Honor is who I love. Until this weekend, I couldn’t stand Shelby. So why has she been constantly on my mind since Saturday night? My heart hurts for Honor, but when I’m with Shelby, all I want to do is smell her and kiss her.
Am I picking up her feelings about me? Is that what this is about?
Now that I have unwillingly tapped back into my empathic abilities, could I be picking up more and more of what other people are feeling? I’d think I could detect which emotions are mine and which are not, but I’ve been closed up for so long, maybe my signals are getting crossed. In any event, I need to figure out my real feelings. I need to get back to solely loving and protecting Honor.

After a long morning, I finish my first exam and go to lunch, where not only Tamlin, Eli, and Hunter are sitting but Shelby as well. No more cheerleader table? I don’t know if I’m happy about this or pissed. Why all of a sudden is she sitting with us? She’s Honor’s friend. Honor’s not here.

“Hey, Eeth,” Tamlin calls to me as I walk towards our table.

“Tam.”

“Why the long face?” she asks while everyone else just nods their hellos.

“Not in the mood today.” I’m not. I don’t feel like talking to anyone. My final in first period sucked, and I am not looking forward to this afternoon’s.

“Ooh, crabby.”

“Shut up, Tam. Not kidding.” I slam my lunch on the table and stew in my own despair. When I finally look up, I catch Shelby looking at me. Though not in the mood to smile, one naturally appears on my face.

She remains silent, but she does give me a quick genuine smile before bringing her attention back to the conversation.

“It’s just not the same,” Tamlin says, “without Honor or Storm. And where the heck is he? Have any of you heard from him?”

“Nope,” Eli says, his voice clipped, obviously not giving a shit where the obnoxious ass is.

“No, I haven’t,” Hunter answers. “But I’m sure he’s fine. He’s been living on his own since he was twelve. There isn’t anyone on earth who could hurt Storm.”

“Except for Honor,” Tamlin states.

“Well I meant physically,” Hunter rebuts.

“I know. But I still want to know where he is and
why
he ran off. His car hasn’t been at his apartment. I keep checking.”

“You keep checking?” Elijah sounds angry. “Why do you care where the hell he is?”

“’Cause he’s a friend, E. A good friend.” Tamlin is annoyed at what Elijah is implying.

“Yeah, but I know you two were a thing,” he shouts so that the whole lunchroom turns in our direction.

“Geez, Eli, get a grip. We shared a couple kisses. Besides, his heart belongs to Honor.”

I wish the two of them would shut the fuck up about Storm. I’m beginning to hate the guy again. Abruptly, I yank my uneaten lunch from the table and go throw it in the garbage. Instead, I go sit out on the school’s patio until it’s time for the next exam.

After another long exam, I decide to drive over to Honor’s house to check up on her.

“Hey, kiddo,” I say when she answers the door. “Feeling okay today?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Come in.” The sun is not reflecting off of her smile today. Even the sun is sad for Honor. Which is so befitting , since the sunshine has finally left what was once the most vibrant of all human beings. My heart finds a way to break just a little bit more.

“Sorry I didn’t call yesterday, Hon, I stayed in bed all day and watched some movies. Wasn’t really up for doing much.”

“Join the club,” she says, smiling at least. “Sorry about the other day, Ethan. I didn’t mean to yell at you. I know how much you care. I’m just being selfish. I’m sorry.”

“Babe,” I take hold of her shoulders and look her in the eyes, “there’s no need to apologize. You should be selfish right now. Hell, what you’re going through is rough. I don’t think I could handle knowing I’d need a new heart or I’d die.” As soon as the words come out of my mouth I want to take them back. Asshole. “I meant…”

“I know what you meant, Eeth.” She laughs. Then she bursts out in hysterics. Honor isn’t crying. She’s cracking up.

“What the hell is so funny?” I follow her into the kitchen where she pulls out a pitcher of iced tea.

Reaching up to the cupboard to get the glasses, she’s still laughing. When she turns and puts the glasses on the counter, she stops laughing. “I don’t know what’s so funny. That’s what’s funny. I. Have. No. Idea. Why. I am laughing.” She pours the tea and hands me my glass, leading us to her couch. “But it sure feels good to laugh.”

I smile huge, but I don’t have it in me to laugh along with her. “Then laugh every second, darling. It looks good on you.”

“You know Shelby is coming over?”

Suddenly I don’t feel like smiling anymore. “No. I didn’t know.” This is going to confuse me even more.

“Yeah, like any minute now.” Honor says, squirming to get comfortable on the couch.

“Oh, well, maybe I’ll just go. I’ll come over tomorrow.” I kiss her on the nose and stand from the couch.

Standing as well, Honor comes face to face with me. “No, Ethan, I don’t want you to go. I’m glad you came. Unless, of course, you and Shelby still hate each other.” Honor’s thin nose scrunches beneath her brow.

“No. There’s no hate between us.” Too bad I don’t know
what
it is between us.

At that thought, the doorbell rings.

When Shelby walks in, I’m mesmerized by the smell of pears, but no more spell-bound than I am when in the presence of Honor. Shelby may be cute, but I realize just then that Honor holds my heart.

“Hey,
Shel,” I greet her after Honor has let her in. “I was just leaving, so…”

“Don’t leave on my account, I don’t mind if you’re here, unless Honor minds.” Shelby looks at Honor and waits for her reaction.

“I told him he doesn’t have to,” she says to Shelby. Looking at me, she asks, “How ‘bout you stay for another glass of iced tea at least?”

“Sure.” I stick my hands deep in my pockets and follow Honor back into the kitchen.

At the breakfast bar, Honor seems more like herself. It suddenly occurs to me that her hair is free of the knots she had two days ago. It’s amazing that the heart can smile as easily as it can break – for that I am grateful. Every smile helps.

“How are your exams going, Honor?” Shelby asks, her finger circling her glass.

“Exams?” I ask. “You have exams?”

Honor chuckles. “Yes,
Eeth. I still have to follow a curriculum.” Though we’re inside, the sunshine returns in her smile. “They’re going well, Shel. I have one more tomorrow, and then I’ll be done. Mom has me going to school online now, instead of her homeschooling me. They have this whole new program all of a sudden. It’s cool though.”

“Good,” she says. “My grades have gone up this last semester.” Shelby hangs her head a moment, and then lifts it back up. “I have you to thank for that, Honor. By showing me your selflessness, you’ve made me a better person. And more conscientious about my school work. Thank you.”

“Please,” Honor waves her hand in dismissal. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m just happy you’re healthy.”

“As you will be soon, too. I really believe that,” Shelby says before grabbing Honor’s hand across the counter.

“Yeah. I usually don’t let things like this bother me,” Honor pointedly looks at me, “but when I get sad, it’s hard to pull myself out of it.”

I decide to join in the conversation. “Do you still feel everyone else’s emotions, Honor?”

“Yes. Unfortunately. My parents are really sad. They try to hide it, but I feel it.” She lets out a humorless chuckle. “They want to protect me from everyone else, but their emotions hit me the hardest.”

I only nod. What can I say? Nothing. There is nothing I can say that would make her feel better, so I just sigh. And nod again.

“You feel guilty too, don’t you?” Shelby chimes in.

Her violet eyes grow wide as she exclaims, “Yes, oh my God, yes. I feel so guilty about their sadness. You felt that too?”

Shelby nods. “Yes. I hated to think that I was the one causing their tears. But unlike you, I let it make me angry.”

Honor again looks at me and whispers, “Not so unlike me, right
Eeth?”

“Honor. Stop. You were barely angry. Just annoyed maybe.”

When her pretty lips turn into that beautiful smile, I feel my breaking heart mending just a little.

“Thank you,” she mouths to me without any sound.

So I blow her a kiss.

Shelby catches the exchange, and it makes me feel guilty. Why? I love Honor. I don’t love Shelby. But I certainly find her attractive and enjoyable. Trouble. That’s where this will lead me, and since Honor has already said she still feels everything, I’m sure she’ll figure this out too.

So I need to block Shelby from my thoughts.

I can’t ruin anything with Honor.

I want her so badly it hurts.

And right now our relationship is on such fragile ground, that I can’t let anything cause it to crumble.

Honor turns her back on us to grab a bag of pretzels out of the cabinet. “Listen,” she tells us, her back still facing us, “I’d like to drop this whole subject.” She turns back to us and pours the pretzels in a bowl. “I don’t want to be depressed today.”

“Sure,” I say and grab a handful of pretzels.

“Wanna play Just Dance?” Honor suggests.

“Okay,” Shelby says with a smile.

“Yeah. That’s what I want to do.” Of course my response is sarcastic.

Honor comes around the bar and takes me by the arm. “Come on,
Eeth. It’ll be fun.”

Her voice is so light and sunshiny that I can’t resist. “Okay…for you.” I shake my head and let her hold my arm as we walk into the living room.

The first song on the Wii that Honor puts on is "Moves Like Jagger." Honor and Shelby dancing is highly seductive in an innocent way, but they are definitely two polar opposites. Where Shelby’s moves are deliberate and spirited, Honor’s are graceful and refined. Where Shelby’s short athletic legs are tan and sexy, Honor’s long, lean ones are flawlessly classic. I should not be so blatantly enjoying this, but I am.

A slight nudge in the arm interrupts my appreciation for the dancers in front of me. “C’mon,
Eeth.” Shelby’s grinning. “It’s fun.” Then she quirks her head towards Honor and points to her own smile. I get what she’s telling me.
Honor’s having a good time. Let’s keep her smiling.

So I get up and join them – feeling like an ass while shaking my ass. I barely spend any time dancing when the song ends. “Oh darn,” I tease. “Song’s over.” I move to sit on the couch.

“Not so fast, buddy.” Honor pulls me up by my bicep. “There’s plenty more songs where that one came from.”

That sun-shining sparkle that I love to see in her eyes is so bright now that I can’t refuse to dance in their sunlight. My mending heart is doing its thing as I silently thank God for her smile.

When that deep southern drawl starts crooning "Jailhouse Rock," my body seems to lighten up. I ignore the dance moves suggested on the television and perform a very easy "king of all things rock" impersonation.

Shelby shakes her head and starts laughing, while Honor doubles over in hysterics – cracking up at my uncharacteristic display of
cutting loose
,
which now causes me to laugh, because never in my life have I been so animated and silly. I believe the pile up of emotions has finally gotten to me. My life has always been one string of solemn events. It feels good to laugh – to really laugh – and when I catch the brief darkening of Honor’s eyes, they reflect what I’m thinking.

She feels good right now. This has to be great for her heart. Maybe more days like this and her heart just may heal itself. One can only hope.

By the end of the night, the three of us had danced, laughed, eaten and joked around. We bonded as a group and before walking out the door, I had an even greater respect for Shelby Marcus. She knew what Honor needed and made sure she received it – laughter. Probably something Shelby hadn’t gotten during her own illness. Which makes me wonder. Did she get her laughs by bullying? It so, it doesn’t make it right, but I can certainly understand where she had been coming from.

But Shelby is a different person than the one we met in the beginning of the year. Whether it was her cancer or Honor’s generosity, Shelby has evolved into a compassionate human being. I’m thankful that Honor has her as a friend.

“Can you believe we’re graduating this Friday?” Tamlin sings, stuffing a sandwich in her mouth at the lunch table on Tuesday.

“Yup. Three more days,” Shelby adds. “I’m glad it’s over, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah?” Tamlin wonders.

“Yeah. I’m so done with high school.” Shelby sips her water.

“What are your plans after you graduate?” I decide to ask, curious to peel more layers from this former bully.

“I’m going to CCM for nursing. Then probably William Paterson University to finish my degree.”

“That’s cool,” Tamlin says.

“Yeah. I want to help sick kids. Maybe work at that children’s hospital in Morristown.” She bites her lip then picks up a carrot and puts it to her lips.

“That is so cool, Shelby,” I say, impressed by her choice of profession. “Good for you.”

“What about you, Tam?” Shelby asks.

“Law School. I want to have my own practice. Wouldn’t that be cool? Maybe in a big city like New York or L.A…or Paris.”

“Very cool,” Shelby agrees.

“Yeah, well, no moving to L.A. ‘til I graduate,” Eli commands, very weakly if Tamlin’s raised eyebrows are any indication.

“Right.” Tamlin laughs. “We’ll see about that.” Maybe Tam isn’t as serious about Eli as Eli is about her. Time will tell.

“What about you, Ethan?” Shelby asks quietly.

I shrug. “I didn’t apply to college.”

“Why not?” Her face is scrunched, as if she’s truly concerned.

Again, I shrug. “I don’t know. I just never thought about it. My parents left this huge insurance inheritance that I always just thought I’d live off that.”

Shelby just says, “Oh,” but looks really sad.

Tamlin, however, says, “That is just sad, Ethan Sutherland. What a waste of an intelligent mind. You can do so much. Why waste it living on money you didn’t even earn?”

“Oh, I earned that money,” I say with so much agitation I slam my fist on the table. “I had to grow up with no parental guidance. No one telling me they love me. No one feeding me a warm dinner. Uncle Tom didn’t do that. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy, but all he gave us was a roof over our heads. So I went out on my own and took care of myself. So don’t go and tell me I didn’t earn the right to use my inheritance.”

Shelby is looking down, playing with her food. Tamlin’s eyes are filling with unshed tears.

“I’m sorry, Eeth. I wasn’t thinking. Forgive me?”

Glaring at her for several long seconds, I decide to forgive her.

“Yeah. Forgiven.”

“Thanks.”

“So let’s talk about Honor’s birthday party,” Shelby suggests, urging us to change the subject.

“Ooh. Good idea.” Tamlin taps the table with both hands. “I can’t wait to surprise her.”

“Surprise her?”
Is Tamlin nuts?
“We are
not
surprising her. That is way too much for her heart.”

“Why would surprising her be bad?” Tamlin looks confused.

“The same reason she couldn’t go to prom – she feels all the excitement and it overwhelms her."

“Well in case you haven’t noticed,” Tamlin snaps, “Honor is depressed. That is not good for her either.”

Shelby and I glance at one another. Clearly we’re both thinking about yesterday’s Just Dance extravaganza.

“Tamlin, did you ask your father? Does he have any pull to rent the whole Spirit of New Jersey ship? Maybe we can get a band to play on the ship or something.” Shelby shrugs her shoulders, letting us know she is just thinking off the top of her head.

Expressionless, Tamlin stares straight at Shelby for several seconds before shouting, “That is a
great
idea. Awesome. And yes, my dad said he knows the manager of the ship.”

A proud smile brightens Shelby’s face.

“And hey, I know the lead singer of that local band Two Way Street. Maybe they’ll play for us. I can get my dad to pay for the whole thing.” Tamlin is so excited she’s bouncing up and down on the bench.

“Whoa, Tam,” Hunter finally stops eating long enough to say something. “Watch where you’re bouncing. You almost landed on my lap.”

“Get off his lap, Tam.” Eli looks serious, but I’m not sure.

“Go fly a kite,” she tells him.

I guess things are not so good in Paradise. That was a short run. Maybe Tamlin is finally realizing that Elijah is just too young for her right now.

“Anyway.” It’s my turn to change the subject. “Do you think your father can pull this off Tam?”

She pins her hair up into a ponytail while she answers, “Definitely. He’s the CEO of the biggest bank in the city, people do anything for him.”

“Good,” I say, clearing my tray from the table because the bell just rang.

“And I’ll take care of Two Way Street.”

“Yeah, but I still think we shouldn’t surprise her. We’ll have to tell her while we’re on the way there.”

“Whatever, Ethan. See ya later.” She skips off to her next class and I think,
that is
not
someone I would have chosen as a friend, but because she’s Honor’s best friend, she’s my friend.

After school, the senior class assembles for graduation practice. It seems odd not having Honor here. She would have been right next to me during the ceremony, considering our names are alphabetically in order. Storm would have been on my other side, but we won’t mention him. I don’t know if I am grateful he ran off or pissed that he left Honor, knowing she would worry about him. Oh well. He’s gone, and there have been no tears shed on my end because of it.

My mind is not on this stupid graduation. I’d rather be visiting with Honor, but graduation practice is mandatory if we want to receive our diplomas. Not that it matters if I get one. Like I told them at lunch – I intend to live off my inheritance, so it’s not like it will make or break me to not get my high school diploma. But then I begin to think of my life after high school. Will I get bored just hanging around? What if Honor is going away to college? Come to think of it, we never even discussed what her plans were after high school. She’s probably just going to one of those online schools.

Suddenly I’m sad.
Will Honor’s life consist of studying inside her own four walls – never venturing out because of her ability to feel too much? Is there some way that I can protect Honor from that but at the same time allow her to run free – just for a bit?
She lives in a bubble that I wish I could pop for her, knowing she would be safe.

Maybe that is what I will commit myself to after graduation – finding a way for Honor to finally enjoy life without the worry of being an empath or being found out about being an empath. I want her to enjoy a worry-free life, and I will make it my duty to see that she does.