The Honor Trilogy: Books One, Two, and Three of the Honor Trilogy (39 page)

Not so subtly, I move over again, this time spreading my legs out diagonally across the couch to avoid any type of physical closeness to her.

Catching her attention by doing this, she looks at me with a weird expression on her face, “Getting comfortable?” she asks.

“Yeah.”

Shelby chuckles and says, “Good idea.” Her feet swing up onto the couch, and crossing them at the ankles, her top foot dances while she leans against the arm. Turning to watch the movie again, Shelby’s dark hair falls over her shoulder, blocking my view of her face. Though I’m facing the television, my thoughts are on my conflicting feelings for Shelby. Early this morning all she made me feel was hate because of what she did to Honor. Feeling sexual desires for her is disturbing. I am not even sure why I’m reacting this way to her. Her glossy dark hair and olive complexion is such a contrast to Honor’s pale locks and milk-white skin. Though I love Honor, I can’t help but find Shelby attractive. Maybe my perceived feelings of rejection from Honor are to blame. Maybe not. But I am feeling uncomfortable.

Just as I move to get up, I hear Shelby say my name under her breath. “I’d like to explain why I treated Honor the way I did,” she says so softly and timidly that it takes me by surprise.

I move to lower the volume of the television, but she touches my hand to stop me from doing so.

“No. I don’t want them to hear.” She tosses her head back in reference to our friends playing poker.

I put the remote down and nod my head.

“When I was sick, I was told there wasn’t anything more they could do. They told me I had at least a year left and that I should just enjoy the time I had. A teenager should never hear those words. No kid should.” Shelby looks down on her lap, but only briefly. She brings her head right back up and looks me right in the eyes. “Anyway, I was ready to explode. I couldn’t handle the news, but I couldn’t let anyone see me break like that. My popularity was still important to me – at least on the surface –, and I wanted everyone to see me the way they always had. But I needed a friend. A real one. Not the ones I actually hung out with. They didn’t give a shit about real life.” Shelby scratches the side of her nose, but I think it’s to cover up that she’s wiping a tear from her eye. “Since I didn’t have a friend to release all my emotions, I let them out in the form of anger – against Honor. She was the easiest target.” She shakes her head and her lip quirks to the side a bit. “She was the new kid. No one knew her. I hated every moment I was nasty to her, but it was hard to stop myself. There was so much hostility inside me.”

Shelby pauses to take a deep breath, but she doesn’t speak.

“Well,” I start to say, but she holds her hand up and I see that she is actually fighting back tears and
can’t
speak.

After a few moments of composing herself, Shelby continues. “That’s why I need to be there for her. I know she doesn’t need me. She has so many friends that really care about her. Truly care. Like you and Tam and Hunter and Eli…and Storm. But still, I think I need to be there for her. Maybe it’s selfish, but I really want to be her friend. Because I know what it’s like to be given a life sentence. Honor doesn’t deserve that.”

I try hard to hold back my tears, but that life sentence line strikes hard. Until now, I’ve been hopeful that Honor will find a heart, and so I haven’t looked at her situation as dire. But what if? It’s a huge possibility that there won’t be a match in time. Honor can die.

I’m so thrown back by this that I don’t realize Shelby is shaking my leg.

“Ethan, are you okay?” I hear her voice in the distance, but it takes a while to register.

“Ethan.” She tries again, and this time I return back to reality to answer her.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Did I upset you?” Shelby is still hanging on to my ankle.

I position myself upright, removing my leg from her grasp. “I hadn’t thought about Honor being served a life sentence. But you’re right. If they don’t find one in time…”

“Oh boy, I didn’t mean it like that. Of course they’ll find one in time,” she says, putting both her feet on the floor and sitting forward on the couch. “I’m sorry, Ethan.”

“It’s okay. It just hit me. That’s all. I guess…I guess that’s why Storm took off today. It’s a lot to deal with...” I fade off, not in the mood anymore to talk.

Shelby must sense my mood, because she turns back toward the television. From the somber expression on her face, I don’t think she’s watching the movie. She’s adrift somewhere in her mind.

Behind us, Tam and the guys are laughing heartily while they play cards. “You cheat, Elijah,” Tamlin says while chuckling with a mouth full of chips or something.

“Nah,” Eli says. “You’re just bad at cards.”

They’re all laughing and having a good time while Shelby and I are busy mourning the loss of Honor’s freedom.

“I’m sorry I upset you,” Shelby says again, this time without taking her eyes from the television screen.

Her glistening eyelashes prompt me to move closer. Laying my hand on her knee, I tell her, “
You
didn’t upset me, Shelby. The situation is upsetting.”

“I wish there were something we could do to help her.”

“Short of getting her a heart somewhere, I don’t think there really is anything we can do.”

“I know something we can do,” Tamlin shouts from behind, obviously listening in our conversation.

Shelby and I turn back to look at her.

“Throw her a birthday party.” Tamlin is beaming. “A real big one.”

Shelby looks at me and shrugs.

“I don’t know, Tam,” I remark, “she can’t be around too many people.”

“No.” Tamlin hops up and stands behind the couch.

“Hey, Tam, we’re in the middle of a game here,” Hunter scolds.

Ignoring him, Tamlin continues talking to Shelby and me. “Not big as in a lot of people. Big as in – something out of this world. Like the city or…”

“The city,” I interrupt, “is filled with too many people.”

“I know,” Shelby interjects. “A dinner cruise. Maybe we can reserve a whole ship or something.”

“A dinner cruise. That’s perfect.” Tamlin exclaims, bouncing up and down, her fragile blond hair flying in front of her pallid face. It occurs to me now how exhausted she is from worrying about her best friend. I guess you don’t really have to be an empath to empathize and take on the hurt of your loved ones. “My dad has tons of money. I bet he’ll help us secure a boat for a party. Awesome idea, Shelby.”

Tamlin grabs Shelby by the sides of her face and kisses her right on the lips.

“
Eww, Tamlin.” Shelby wipes off the kiss with the palm of her hand. “A hug would have sufficed.”

Tamlin chuckles and then kisses me. “She is
gonna love it.”

In Honor’s backyard, the pool glitters from the rising sun. A zillion tiny sparkles dance across it, getting me excited for the first swim of the summer. Though school hasn’t ended yet, Mr. Stevens opens the pool to give Honor and her friends something to do on the weekends.

“Hey, Ethan,” Honor deadpans, which is so unlike her. “Daddy said you were out here. Why didn’t you just come to the front door?”

“I saw your father skimming the pool, so I thought I’d come through the back. Besides, I thought you wanted to go swimming today.” I step towards her, but I am afraid to get too close. She doesn’t look happy to see me.

“Yeah, I did.” She sighs and sits on the picnic table. Stepping up on the bench, I sit on the table next to her, making sure to leave a fair amount of space.

“You don’t now?” I’m surprised, because she just texted the group of us at like seven o’clock this morning asking us to come swimming. She said her mom would make us waffles and Taylor Ham.

“No, I do. Tamlin and Shelby are on their way right now.” The stray pieces of hair sticking out from Honor’s disorderly bun fly around like dandelions on her father’s overgrown lawn. A pain knocks on my heart. This family is losing hope. First Storm. Now Honor and her father. I can’t let her lose hope. Without it, she’ll lose her motivation to live, and I cannot let her do that.

“You got your suit on?” I ask her.

“Yeah.” She pulls down the shoulder of her long white pullover to reveal a bright yellow strap.

“Good. Pull off your dress.”

“What?” she asks with a little more expression.

“You heard me,” I say, pulling off my t-shirt and hopping off the table. Tapping her on the knee, I signal for her to come in the pool with me. “Come on. Before anyone gets here. We’ll have a race.”

“A race? But I’m not really…”

“C’mon, Honor. You don’t have to swim well, just move your body across the pool. I’ll even let you have a head start.”

A moan escapes from her throat, but she still lets down her dress. The bright yellow bikini hugs her hips just below the bone. I have to jump in the pool to cool off, and it’s not even hot out yet.

Honor steps in one foot at a time, still no smile on her face.

“C’mon slow-poke, before everyone else gets here.”

She rolls her eyes, but sinks under water.

When she’s at least half way up the length of the pool, I swim to meet her. And pass her up.

“No fair,” she mock whines. “You know I have no strength right now.”

Her bun has now unraveled, sending her hair in wet knotty waves down her back. Her beauty is unsurpassed. Even sick, Honor is the most beautiful girl in the entire world.

“Did you want me to let you win?” I joke.

“It doesn’t matter.” The glint of excitement I had just witnessed is gone.

She is so freaking light when I lift her out of the water to set her at the edge of the pool. I hop up and sit next to her. “Honor,” I say seriously. “You
gotta get happy, hun. I know this is some serious shit, but damn, it can’t be good for you to be so depressed. Has the doctor given you anything for it?”

She nods. “I’m on a whole bunch of stuff. My mother gives all my pills to me when I need them. I have no idea what I’m on.”

“You know you’ll pull through this, right?”

She nods again. “I’m not even worried about that, Ethan.”

“Then what?” I hear my own voice crack. “If you’re not worried about your own heart, then why are you so damn depressed?”

Honor just blinks and bites the side of her lip.

“Storm.” It’s not a question. I am so fucking stupid. Of course she is depressed about Storm taking off. It’s always about him, and this pisses me off. “What the hell, Honor? You’re so worried about him, but where is he? He leaves without telling anyone where he is going, and then he leaves his phone so you can’t even get in touch with him. Instead of worrying about him, be pissed at him. He just left you. You call that a friend?”

I made her cry. Dammit, I didn’t want to make her cry.

“Honor,” I whisper, squeezing her knee in the meantime. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I know you mean well…it’s just…I’m worried. It’s not like him…”

“It damn well is like him,” I interrupt. “He’s been running his whole life. It’s all he knows. Things get rough, Storm takes off.”

I push my wet hair off my face and try to calm down.

“We’re here,” Tamlin shouts from the driveway. “Let the party begin.”

Walking in next to Tam, Shelby is shaking her head.

Honor and I put aside our uncomfortable conversation and get up to greet the girls. “Hey, Tam, Shel…thank you for coming,” Honor says softly. It pains me to hear her voice so weak. It kills me to know it’s because she’s missing my arrogant, self-absorbed brother.

“So where are those waffles I heard about?” Tamlin is joking, of course, but at least she is lightening the mood.

Honor actually smiles. “She’s making them now. You want to eat inside or out?”

“It doesn’t matter, Hon, wherever. It’s nice outside. We can stay out here if you want.” Tamlin gives Honor a bear hug.

Shelby leans in and gives Honor a hug when Tamlin lets go of her. “You feelin’ okay today?”

“Yeah, I’m good.” Her smile is forced, but at least she’s trying.

Shelby takes her hand and leans in. “Are you scared, Honor?”

Honor looks at me, then back at Shelby. “Yes,” she whispers. “I am.”

Why couldn’t she just tell me that? Why did she have to make it about Storm?

“Hey, kids,” Mrs. Stevens addresses, a smile on her face, but not in her eyes. “Waffles are done.” Plates of waffles, Taylor Ham, a bottle of syrup, bowls of fruit and chocolate chips, and a can of whipped cream adorn a huge tray that she sets down on the picnic table.

“Wow, Mrs. S., this looks awesome,” announces Tamlin. “I’m starved.”

When Mr. Stevens comes out with coffee and juice, Honor steps up to take the mugs out of his hands.

“Thanks, hun. I have your favorite mug,” he says softly to her.

After she puts the mugs down, she pours some coffee into a mug that has two smiling pieces of toast popping out of a smiling light-blue toaster. Classic Honor. It’s such a vintage mug, just like the old-fashioned soul inside the girl herself. Seeing her drink from it makes me wish I was still living here with her. She drank from that mug every morning when I was there. Shaking it off, I return to eating my breakfast.

“Well look what the cat finally dragged in,” Tamlin remarks when Hunter and Eli walk into the yard. “Mrs. Stevens gave us all this food, babe,” she says to Eli. “Grab a plate and sit.” She pats the space on the bench next to her.

“Hey, Honor, how
ya feeling?” Hunter asks.

“Okay. Thanks.” She’s sipping her coffee, but touching none of the food.

“Honor,” I pipe up. “Eat.”

She looks at me, but ignores my request and takes another sip of her coffee. She’s not even a coffee drinker. She drinks tea. What the heck? It’s like she doesn’t care about anything anymore and this just floors me.

Not able to endure this any longer, I stand up from the bench, taking her by the elbow as I do. “We need to talk. Now.”

When she pulls her white cover-up over her head, her drying dreadlocks whack me in the face. “Look at this,” I say as I lift up her hair, “your hair’s a mess. Yesterday on the boat it was okay, but what happened? You didn’t comb it since? You woke up and decided not to comb it?”

“Ethan. No. I didn’t comb it. Why does that bother you?” Her voice is so flat it pains me.

“It bothers me because it’s not like you. Every morning and every night you used to brush out your hair. Didn’t you tell me once how you love to brush it out?”

“Ethan. It’s one day. Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”

“Because. I don’t want you giving up hope. It’s a sign.” I run my hand through her hair, catching my fingers in the knots. “You’re giving up one of the things you love to do. What’s next? Look at you. If we’re
gonna survive this, we need to be hopeful.”

The veins in her eyelids are so pronounced when she closes them and takes a deep breath. “I’m tired,
Eeth. And Storm taking off, well…it just knocked the fight out of me.” She sighs and sits on the old swing in her backyard.

“What does Storm leaving have to do with your fighting for your life?” I ball my fists at my side wishing he were here to punch.

“I don’t know. I…I really don’t know, but it does.”

Fuck. She’s in love with him. Why else would his leaving bother her to the point of giving up her fight for life?

“Listen, Eeth, I know you mean well, but can we just hang with everyone? I don’t really feel like talking about this right now."

When I cup my hands around her face, my heart rumbles. I want to kiss her so badly. “Okay,” I say in lieu of a kiss. “I just
wanna see you smile.”

She does. And it is the first real smile I’ve seen today. “Thanks.”

I take her hand and walk her back to the table. “Please eat something,” I whisper before she sits down.

Her thin pale arm reaches for a waffle, and I relax.

**

After we spend most of the day submerged in water, by nightfall, Mr. Stevens lights the outdoor fire pit, and Mrs. Stevens brings out hot dogs and marshmallows. The two of them are trying so hard to make the day special for Honor. I can’t even imagine what they must be going through right now.

“Ethan,” Shelby shouts above the music playing from Honor’s iPod station. “You going to join us?” They’re all sitting around the pit. I’m hanging back at the pool and dangling my legs off the diving board.

Because Honor is sandwiched between Tamlin and Hunter, I sit on the ground next to Shelby, who happens to smell amazing. I don’t know how after being in the chlorinated pool all day she still manages to smell like pears, but I take a deep inhale and enjoy it nonetheless.

“She’s a whole lot happier than she was this morning,” Shelby comments about Honor, who is cracking up across the pit at something Hunter or Tamlin must have said. I may not have been able to get her to laugh, but at least she’s laughing. As each hour passes, her mood brightens, which is a good thing.

“Yeah.”

Shelby reaches behind her and grabs two sticks. “Hot dog or marshmallow?” she asks, holding up the sticks.

“Hot dog.”

I watch her tiny hands fumble with a hot dog and drop it.

“Nice.” I laugh along with her. “Here.” I reach in front of her to pick the dog off the ground, grazing her bare leg in the process. Trying my best to ignore the electricity that immediately courses through my veins, I brush off the dog and slide it on my stick. “I
ain’t afraid of no germs,” I joke.

Shelby’s laugh sounds more like a titter, and again, I ignore the prickling sensation I get hearing her nervously chuckle. She slips a marshmallow on her stick and holds it over the fire.

“You love her?”

Did she just ask me if I love her?
I assume she’s talking about Honor. “Yes…but…” I don’t even finish that sentence. I don’t know how.

“But…she doesn’t love you?” Shelby completes the thought for me.

Looking at her big brown eyes looking back at me, I say, “That is
not
what I was going to say.” I laugh, because for some reason I find it funny. “I was going to say, I’m not sure in what capacity.”

“Oh. So you love her as a sister?” Shelby clearly jokes. Her laugh is honest and her smile is sincere.

“Not exactly, no.” I nudge her in the shoulder with my shoulder. “But…I don’t know really. Loving anyone is so new to me that I don’t know what these feelings are inside me.” I lick my lips and run my free hand through my hair.

“Ooh, it’s burning,” she shouts, yanking her flaming marshmallow out of the fire.
Taking the stick from her, I blow out her marshmallow at the same time she goes to blow it out – leaving us face to face, mere inches from each other. My eyes freeze on her lips. When her tongue darts out over her full bottom lip, she takes such a deep breath that her shoulders raise a few inches.

I break the stare first, only because I hear Honor talking across the fire. Naturally, my attention turns to her – she is chatting with Tamlin. But the moment with Shelby is lost, because I hear her sigh before she turns back towards the fire.

“Here’s your marshmallow,” I say, handing it back to her.

Only one side of her mouth tilts up when she says, “Thank you.”

This leaves me with a slightly wrenching gut. While I’m contemplating why it bothers me so much to have been pulled from Shelby’s trance, Hunter grabs her ear. And instead of joining in on any conversation, I let the fading voices disappear as I stare intently on the burning flame in front of me. While letting the words to Avril Lavigne’s "Here’s to Never Growing Up" sink deep into my psyche while it pipes in the background.