The Last Straw (10 page)

AS YOU WERE, GENTLEMEN!"

There are actually TWO Boy Scout troops in my town: Troop 24, which is right in our neighborhood, and Troop 133, which is about five miles down the road. Troop 133 is always having hot dog roasts and pool parties and stuff like that, but Troop 24 is constantly out doing community service projects on the weekends. So I'm definitely more of a Troop 133 kind of guy.

Now the trick is to make sure Dad doesn't find out about Troop 24, because he'll make me sign up with them for SURE.

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In fact, tonight we were driving to the mall, and we passed Troop 24 cleaning up the park. Luckily, I distracted Dad at the last second.

[Image: Two boys in a car.] The caption reads: "LOOK! A BALD EAGLE!

WHERE? WHERE?"

Sunday

Today was my first Boy Scout meeting, and luckily it was with Troop 133. I got Rowley to sign up with me, too. When we got to the lodge, we met Mr. Barrett, the Scoutmaster. He asked me and Rowley to say the Pledge of Allegiance and do a bunch of other stuff, and we were in. Mr. Barrett even gave us our uniforms.

Rowley was happy because he thought the uniform was cool, but I was just happy to have a clean shirt for a change.

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[Image: Two boys holding the clothes.]

After we put our uniforms on, we joined the rest of the troop and started working on merit badges. Merit badges are these little patches you get for learning how to do all sorts of manly stuff.

Me and Rowley started flipping through the merit badge book to see what we should work on.

Rowley wanted to do something hard like Wilderness Survival or Personal Fitness, but I talked him out of it. I said we should just start off with something nice and easy, so we settled on Whittling.

But whittling was a lot harder than I thought it would be. It took FOREVER to try to carve a block of wood into anything, and Rowley got a splinter within five minutes.

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So we went to Mr. Barrett and asked him if there was something less DANGEROUS we could do.

[Image: Two boys talking to the professor.]

Mr. Barrett said that if we were having trouble with the wood, maybe we could use soap instead. And that's when I knew I made the right call when I signed up with Troop 133.

Me and Rowley started carving the soap, but then I found out something really great. If you get the soap wet enough, you can just mold it into any shape you want with your hands. So we put away our whittling knives and SQUEEZED our soap into a shape instead.

[Image: Two boys sitting at a table.] The caption reads: "SQUISH SQUISH"

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My first creation was a sheep. I turned it in to Mr. Barrett, and he checked one carving off my list.

[Image: A molded figure.]

I didn't really know what to do for my next carving, so I just turned my sheep upside down and handed it back in as the Titanic.

[Image: A molded figure upside down.]

And believe it or not, Mr. Barrett accepted THAT one, too.

[Image: A man talking to the boys.] The caption reads: "A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY, THAT WAS!"

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So me and Rowley both got our Whittling merit badges and pinned them to our uniforms. When I came home, Dad was really impressed. If I would've known that this was all it took to make him happy, I would have signed up for Boy Scouts about six months ago.

[Image: A man opens the door for the boy.]

MAY

Sunday

The other day Mr. Barrett announced that our Boy Scout troop was having a father-son campout this weekend, so I asked Dad if he'd go with me. I was pretty surprised with how easy it was to impress Dad with that one little merit badge, so I figured a whole WEEKEND of him seeing me do macho stuff would totally blow him away.

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But yesterday morning I woke up as sick as a dog. I couldn't go, but Dad HAD to, because he signed up to be a driver.

[Image: A man looks at the boy in bed.]

I stayed in bed pretty much the whole day. I just wish I'd gotten sick on a WEEKDAY instead of a weekend. Last year I didn't miss any days of school, and I promised myself I wouldn't let THAT happen again.

[Image: Two children laughing at the third one.] The caption reads: "CONGRATULATIONS TO GREG HEFFLEY FOR WINNING THE PERFECT ATTENDANCE AWARD.

NERD!

HA HA!"

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The father-son camping trip turned out to be a DISASTER. The phone rang at 10:00 last night, and it was Dad calling from the emergency room.

[Image: The doctor is talking on the phone with a lady ,a sick boy is standing behind her.]

Dad got put in a tent with the Woodley brothers, Darren and Marcus, because their dad couldn't come. Darren and Marcus were horsing around in the tent, even though Dad kept telling them to go to sleep. At one point Darren threw a football at Marcus, and it hit him in the stomach.

[Image: Two boys playing ball as he third sleeps on the ground.] The caption reads: "OOF!"

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Marcus wet his pants, and I guess Darren thought that was pretty funny.

[Image: Three boys , one is sleeping.] The caption reads: "HA HA HA!"

Well, Marcus went totally BERSERK. He bit Darren, and he wouldn't let go, either.

[Image: The two boys are falling on the sleeping boy.] The caption reads: "CHOMP"

It took Dad a long time to pry the two of them apart, and he had to take Darren to the emergency room after that.

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Dad came home this morning, and he was not real happy with ME for getting him stuck in that situation. Something tells me that after this weekend, he's not a real big fan of Troop 133, either.

Sunday

Today was Mother's Day, and I didn't have anything to give to Mom.

I was going to ask Dad to take me to the store so I could at least get Mom a card or something, but Dad was still recovering from the father-son campout. And I don't think he was looking to do me any favors, anyway.

[Image: A boy looks at the person in bed.]

So I had to come up with a homemade gift.

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Last year I made Mom a "Chore Coupon" book for Mother's Day. Each coupon had something like "One free lawn mowing" or "One free window washing" on it.

[Image: A board of a CAR WASH]

The caption reads: "

One free car wash"

I give Dad a Chore Coupon book just about every Father's Day, and it always works out great. It's a way for me to take care of my gift obligation without having to spend any money, and Dad never actually uses any of his coupons in the book.

[Image: A boy looks at the man sitting on the sofa.] The caption reads: "HUH? OH, UM, THANKS."

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Mom cashed in every single ONE of HER coupons last year. So I didn't want to make the same mistake this year.

[Image: A boy come out of the door and the lady looks at him.] The caption reads: "I'M GOING UP TO ROWLEY'S TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES!

RIGHT AFTER YOUR POLISH ALL THE SILVERWARE!"

I tried to think of something original to make for Mom today, but I ran out of time. So I ended up just piggybacking on Manny's gift.

[Image: A drawing with a boy with specks in it.] The caption reads: "TO MOMMY FROM MANNY GREG"

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Monday

I figure the best way to get Dad to forget that father-son camping mess is to have a do-over. So tonight at dinner, I asked Dad if he wanted to go on a camping trip, just me and him.

I've been studying up on my Boy Scouts manual, and I'm pretty eager to show off what I've learned.

[Image: Two boys at a camping site.]

Well, Dad didn't exactly jump at my offer, but Mom thought it was a GREAT idea. She said we should go this weekend and that Rodrick could go, too. She said it would be a great "bonding" experience for the three of us.

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I wasn't too enthusiastic about that idea, and neither was Rodrick.

[Image: A family at the dinning table.]

In fact, one of the reasons I wanted to get out of the house this weekend is because me and Rodrick are in a fight.

Last night Mom was giving Rodrick a haircut in the Kitchen. Usually when Mom gives us boys a haircut, she puts a towel around our necks so the hair doesn't get all over our clothes. But yesterday Mom used one of her old maternity dresses instead of a towel. So when I saw Rodrick like that, I knew I had to take advantage of the situation.

[Image: the lady cuts the boy's hair as the other clicks snaps.]

The caption reads: "

FLASH

SNIP

"

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I ran upstairs and locked myself in the bathroom before Rodrick had a chance to catch me and take the camera. And I didn't come back out until I was sure he was gone.

Rodrick got me back, anyway. Last night I had a nightmare that I was sleeping on a nest of red ants, and that was thanks to him.

[Image: A boy shakes the dirt from the cloth on to the bed.] The caption reads: "SHAKE"

The way I see it, now we're even. But if there's one thing I've learned about Rodrick, it's that he's still not gonna let it go. So that's why I'm not that eager to hole up in a tent with him for the weekend.

Saturday

Today me, Dad, and Rodrick headed off on our camping trip. I picked a place that had a lot of manly activities that you could do.

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On the way to the campground, the sky got dark, and then it started to rain.

I wasn't all that concerned, because our tent is waterproof, and Mom packed ponchos for everybody. But by the time we got to our campsite, it was six inches underwater.

[Image: A family in a car in the rain.] The caption reads: "SITE 8"

We were pretty far from home, so Dad decided we should just find a place to stay for the night.

I was really bummed, because the whole point of the trip was for me to impress Dad with my camping skills, and now we were just gonna stay in some stupid hotel room.

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Dad found a place and got a room with two beds and a pullout couch. We watched TV for a while and then started getting ready for bed.

First, Dad went downstairs to the front desk to complain that the heater was too loud, so I was alone in the room with Rodrick.

I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, and when I came out, Rodrick was looking out the peephole. Then he said something that made me freeze in my tracks.

He said that Holly Hills and her family were out in the hallway, and they were staying in the room right ACROSS from us.

[Image: A boy tries to listen from the door as the other stands.]

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I had to see this for myself. So I moved him out of the way and looked out the peephole.

The hallway was completely empty. And before I realized it was a trick, Rodrick gave me a big shove, and I fell out the door.

[Image: A boy pushes the other in the door.] The caption reads: "PUSH"

Then it got WORSE. Rodrick locked the door behind me, and I was stuck in the hallway wearing nothing but my tighty whities.

[Image: A boy sits on the floor.] The caption reads: "CLICK"

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I pounded on the door, but Rodrick wouldn't let me back in the room.

I was making a big racket, and I realized people in the nearby rooms were gonna start opening their doors to find out what was going on. So I ran around the corner to save myself the embarrassment of anyone seeing me. I spent about fifteen minutes sneaking through the hallways, hiding every time I heard voices.