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Authors: Jeff Kinney

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BOOK: The Last Straw
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All those guys wanted to do was play a bunch of dopey party games, like Blind Man's Bluff and that kind of thing. I could've been playing Spin the Bottle with Holly Hills, but instead I spent my night trying not to get groped by a bunch of first-graders.

[Image: A boy hides in a book shelf as the other four look for him blindfolded.]

Rowley's friends played some other games, too, like Freeze Tag and Twister.

135

I excused myself to go upstairs when someone suggested we could play "Who Licked Me?"

I tried calling Mom to come pick me up, but she was out with Dad. So I knew I was stuck at this kid's house for the night.

At about 9:30 I decided to just go to sleep and get the night over with. But those guys came into the bedroom and got into a massive pillow fight. And let me tell you, it's not easy falling asleep when a sweaty little kid falls on you every five seconds.

[Image: Children playing inside a room.]

Eventually the kid's mom came upstairs and told everyone it was time to go to sleep.

136

Even after the lights went out, Rowley and his friends stayed up, talking and giggling. They must have thought I fell asleep, because at one point a bunch of them snuck up on me to try and pull the hand-in-a-bowl-of-warm-water trick.

[Image: Children settling down to sleep in the room.] The caption reads: "HEE HEE HEE!

SHHHH!"

Well, that was enough for ME. I went downstairs to sleep in the basement, even though it was pitch-black down there and I couldn't find the light. I'd left my sleeping bag upstairs, and that was a mistake, because it was FREEZING in the basement.

I did NOT want to go back upstairs and get my stuff, though. I just curled up in a ball and tried to conserve as much body heat as possible to make it through to the morning.

137

I think it was probably the longest night of my life.

[Image: A boy feeling cold.] The caption reads: "CHATTER CHATTER"

When the sun came up this morning, I found out the reason it was so cold in the basement. I was sleeping right by the sliding glass door, and some fool had gone and left it open overnight.

[Image: A boy outside the house.]

That really stunk, because if I knew there was a way to escape last night, I DEFINITELY would've taken it.

When I got home this morning, I went back to bed until Dad woke me up and told me it was time to go to the soccer game.

138

It turns out Rodrick was right about the Shag thing. I spent the whole game pulling balls out of the brambles, and let me tell you, it wasn't a whole lot of fun.

[Image: A boy looks for his ball in the thorns.] The caption reads: "HURRY UP!

OUCH!"

Our team won the game, and afterward we were supposed to go out to celebrate. Dad couldn't stick around, so he asked Mr. Litch if he would drive me home afterward.

[Image: Two boys and a man.]

Well, I really wish Dad had asked ME what I thought about that idea first, because I would've just gone home with him.

139

I was starving from all that digging around in the bushes, though, so I figured I'd just go with the team.

We went to a fast-food place, and I ordered twenty chicken nuggets. I went to use the bathroom, and when I came back to the table, all my food was gone. But then Erick Bickford dumped my nuggets out of his big sweaty hands.

[Image: A man talking to two boys.] The caption reads: "HA HA HA!"

If you ever wanted to know why I don't like team sports, there it is in a nutshell.

After lunch was over, me, Kenny Keith, and Erick got into Mr. Litch's car. Kenny sat in the back with Erick, and I sat up front in the passenger seat.

140

We had to wait a long time because Mr. Litch was sitting on the hood of his car, blabbing away with Mr. Boone. After we'd been sitting there for a while, Kenny leaned forward from the back seat and laid on the horn for about three seconds.

[Image: A MAN IS HIT BY A CAR DRIVEN BY THREE BOYS.] The caption reads: "HONK"

Then Kenny jumped back in his seat so when Mr. Litch turned around, it looked like I was the one who honked the horn.

Mr. Litch gave me a dirty look, and then turned back around and talked to his assistant for another half hour.

141

On the way home, Mr. Litch stopped to do about five errands. He wasn't in any hurry to get them done, either.

And get this: Kenny and Erick were mad at ME for making them get home so late. So that should give you a feeling for the type of intelligence I'm dealing with here.

Mr. Litch dropped me off last. On the way up the hill, I saw the Snellas out in their front yard, and it looked like they were trying to get some clips to send in to "America's Funniest Families."

I guess they don't feel like waiting around a few months until Seth's half-birthday party.

[Image: Three boys playing baseball.]

The caption reads: "

I WASN'T TAPING YET!

BAP

CLONK

"

142

APRIL

Thursday

Today was April 1st, and here's how my day started-

[Image: A boy tries to wake the other from bed.]

The caption reads: "

APRIL FOOL'S!

PUNCH

"

Every other day of the year, you couldn't DRAG Rodrick out of bed before 8:00 A.M. But on April 1st, Rodrick always wakes up early so he can get his licks in.

Someone seriously needs to explain the concept of a practical joke to Rodrick, because all his "jokes" involve me getting injured.

Last year Rodrick bet me fifty cents I couldn't tie my shoes while I was standing up, and I TOTALLY fell for it.

143

[Image: A boy bends as the other points a gun at him.] The caption reads: "YOU'RE ABOUT TO OWE ME FIFTY CENTS!"

I went inside and told Dad that Rodrick shot me in the butt with a paintball gun. Dad didn't feel like getting in the middle of a fight, so he just told Rodrick to pay me my fifty cents for winning the bet.

Rodrick took two quarters out of his pocket and threw them on the ground. But obviously I didn't learn my lesson, because I bent over to pick them up.

[Image: A boy hits the other in the stomach with a squirting gun.] The caption reads: "YOW!

ZING

SPLAT"

144

At least I put some thinking into MY practical jokes. Last year I pulled a pretty good trick on Rowley. We were in the bathroom at a movie theater, and I convinced him that some random guy standing at the urinal was a professional athlete.

So Rowley asked the guy for his autograph.

[Image: A man and two boys.]

And today me and a couple of other guys pulled a good one on Chirag Gupta.

We decided it would be pretty funny if we made him think he was losing his hearing, so we all made sure we talked real quiet every time he came around.

145

[Image: boys talking to the one in the center.] The caption reads: "DID YOU CATCH THE BIG SOCCER MATCH LAST NIGHT?

YES... QUITE A GAME, QUITE A GAME."

Chirag figured out what was going on pretty quick, and he went straight to the teacher to shut it down before the joke could get out of hand. I guess he didn't want a repeat of the Invisible Chirag joke from last year.

Friday

We had our second soccer game tonight. Some adult volunteered to shag the balls, so I got to sit on the bench for the whole game.

It was REALLY cold out, and I asked Dad if I could go get my coat out of the car, but he said no.

146

Dad said I needed to be prepared in case the coach decided to put me in the game, so I had to just tough it out.

I wanted to tell Dad that the only time I'd be stepping foot on the field would be when Mr. Litch made me pick up all the other kids' orange peels at halftime. But I just kept quiet and concentrated on not letting my shin guards freeze to my legs.

[Image: Three boys sitting on the bench.]

Every time Mr. Litch called a huddle, Dad made me get off the bench and go join the rest of the team. Have you seen a game on TV and wondered what the benchwarmers were thinking when they stand in the huddle while the coach goes over the game plan?

147

Well, now I can tell you firsthand.

[Image: The coach instructing the boys team.] The caption reads: "YOU GUYS SMELL."

Once the sun went down, it got REALLY cold. In fact, it got so cold Mackey Creavey and Manuel Gonzales went and got SLEEPING BAGS out of the Creaveys' car.

And Dad STILL wouldn't even let me go get my coat.

[Image: The boy is shivering and the other two are in their sleeping bag.]

148

During a timeout, we all joined the huddle. And when the coach got an eyeful of Mackey and Manuel, he told them they were excused and to go to the Creaveys' car for the rest of the game.

[Image: Two boys hop in their sleeping bag as the coach instructs them.] The caption reads: "HOP HOP

HOP HOP"

So Mackey and Manuel got to sit in a heated SUV, while I had to sit on a cold metal bench in my shorts. And I know for a FACT that the Creaveys have a TV in their car, so I'm sure those guys were totally living it up in there.

[Image: Two boys in their sleeping bag are in the car.]

149

Monday

I have DEFINITELY got to start keeping on top of my laundry. I've been out of clean underwear for about three days, so I've been wearing my bathing suit as a substitute.

Today we had Phys Ed, and when we changed into our gym clothes, I totally forgot I was wearing my Speedo underneath.

[Image: Three boys in the changing room.] The caption reads: "HA HA!

WHUP!

HA HA!"

It could have been a lot WORSE, though. I have a pair of Wonder Woman Underoos that I've never taken out of their wrapper, and this morning I was pretty tempted to wear them just because they were clean.

150

Believe me, I didn't ASK for the Wonder Woman Underoos, either. This past summer a few of my relatives asked Mom what I wanted for my birthday, and she told them I was really into comics and super heroes.

So the Underoos were a gift from Uncle Charlie.

[Image: A boy and a man an Christmas.]

We had another soccer game after school, but it's been getting a lot warmer lately, and I wasn't worried about the cold.

At school, me, Mackey, and Manuel agreed we'd all bring some video games tonight, and for the first time we actually ENJOYED ourselves at soccer.

151

[Image: Three boys sitting on the bench in the sun.]

It didn't last long, though. Twenty minutes into the game, Mr. Litch called all three of us off the bench and told us to get on the field.

[Image: The coach and the three boys.] The caption reads: "CREAVEY!

HEFFLEY!

GONZALES!"

Apparently, some parent complained that their kid wasn't getting any playing time, so the Rec League made a rule that now EVERY kid has to get in the game.

152

Well, none of us had been paying any attention to the game, so when we got on the field, we didn't know what to do or where to stand.

A couple of kids on our team told us the other team had a "free kick," and that we were supposed to stand shoulder to shoulder to make a shield to block it.

BOOK: The Last Straw
9.58Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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