The Last Straw (9 page)

I thought the guys on my team were joking, but it turns out they weren't. Me, Manuel, and Mackey had to line up in front of our goal. Then the referee blew the whistle, and a kid from the other team ran at the ball and kicked it right at us.

[Image: A boy hits the ball aiming it at the boys.] The caption reads: "TWEET!"

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Well, we didn't do a really good job of protecting the goal, and the other team scored.

[Image: Boys playing football.]

Mr. Litch pulled the three of us out of the game the second he got the chance, and he yelled at us for not standing still and blocking the ball.

[Image: The coach is angry at his team.]

But I'll tell you what: If I have to choose between getting yelled at or getting hit in the face with a soccer ball, it's no contest.

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Thursday

After the game last week, I asked Mr. Litch if I could be the backup goalie for the team, and he said I could.

It was a genius move on my part, for a couple of reasons. First of all, goalies don't have to run laps and all that stuff during practice. They just do individual goalie drills with the assistant coach.

Second, goalies wear different uniforms than the rest of the team, and that means Mr. Litch can't put me in the game when it's time to block free kicks.

[Image: The coach and the three boys.] The caption reads: "CREAVEY!

GONZALES!"

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Our regular goalie, Tucker Fox, is the star of the team, so I knew there was no way I was gonna see any playing time, anyway. These last few games have actually been kind of FUN. But tonight, something bad happened. Tucker hurt his hand diving after a ball, and he had to come out. So that meant the coach had to put ME in.

Well, Dad was REALLY excited I was finally getting some real playing time, and he came down to my end of the field to coach me from the sideline. It's not like I really needed it, though. Our team kept the ball on the other side of the field for the whole rest of the game, and I didn't even touch it ONCE.

[Image: A boy talking to the goal keeper.] The caption reads: "MAKE SURE YOU BEND YOUR KNEES, GREG!"

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I think I know what Dad was up to, though.

When I used to play tee-ball, I had a really hard time concentrating on the game. Tonight Dad just wanted to make sure I didn't get distracted the way I used to get when I played right field.

[Image: A boy playing in the garden as a ball fall beside him.] The caption reads: "QUIT PLAYING IN THE TULIPS!

PUFF

DOINK"

I have to admit, it was probably a good thing that Dad stayed on my case tonight.

There were about a MILLION dandelions down at my end of the field, and in the second half I was starting to get a little twitchy.

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Monday

Well, yesterday we had another soccer game, and luckily Dad wasn't there to see it. We lost our first game of the season, 1-0. Somehow the other team got the ball past me in the last few seconds, and they won the game. So that ruined our perfect record.

After the game, everyone on my team was in a sour mood, so I tried to cheer them up.

[Image: A team of boys.] The caption reads: "WELL, IT'S JUST A STUPID GAME, RIGHT, FELLAS?"

My teammates thanked me for being positive by pelting me with orange peels.

Back at home, I was nervous to tell Dad about the game.

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I guess he seemed a little disappointed, but he got over it pretty quick.

[Image: A man with his son sitting on the bed.] The caption reads: "DID YOU BEND YOUR KNEES?

MM HMM."

But tonight, when Dad got home from dinner, he looked really mad. He plopped the newspaper down in front of me on the kitchen table, and here was the picture on the Sports page-

[Image: A boy sitting in the garden.]

The caption reads: "

A "Blown" Opportunity

Red Socks goalie Gregory Heffley takes a break from the action as a fifty-yard kick by Demon Dawgs midfielder James Byron rolls in. The score ended the Socks' bid for an undefeated season."

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Apparently, Dad found out about the paper from his boss at work.

[Image: The men are talking to the boy.] The caption reads: "GREAT SON YOU GOT THERE, FRANK!"

OK, so maybe I didn't tell Dad ALL the details of the game.

In my defense, though, I didn't really know what happened until I read about it in the paper myself.

Dad didn't say a word to me for the rest of the night. If he's still mad at me, I just hope he gets over it pretty quick. Twisted Wizard 2 finally came out today, and I'm kind of counting on Dad to float me some money so I can get it.

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Friday

Tonight after dinner, Dad took me and Rodrick out to a movie. It's not because he was trying to be nice, though. He just needed to get out of the house.

Remember how I told you that Mom got on an exercise kick a few months ago? Well, she quit after her first class. Dad took a picture of Mom decked out in all her exercise gear the first day she went to the gym, and tonight the pictures came in the mail.

[Image: A lady is standing.]

The photo place gives you duplicate prints, so as a joke Dad wrote labels on the two pictures of Mom and put them up on the refrigerator.

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[Image: A BEFORE and an AFTER photograph of a lady.] The caption reads: "BEFORE

AFTER"

Well, Dad was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that one, but Mom wasn't so amused.

[Image: A man and a lady walking in side.] The caption reads: "HEH HEH."

Anyway, I guess Dad felt like maybe it was a good idea to put a little space between him and Mom tonight.

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We went to the new movie theater that just opened at the mall. After we bought our tickets, we went inside and gave them to the usher, who was a teenager with a crew cut. I didn't recognize him at first, but apparently Dad did.

[Image: A man talking to the three boys.] The caption reads: "YOUR TICKETS, SIR."

I read the teenager's name tag, and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was LENWOOD HEATH, the bad teenager who used to live on our street. The last I saw him, he had long hair and he was lighting someone's trash on fire. But now here he was, looking like he just graduated from the Air Force or something.

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Dad seemed REALLY impressed with Lenwood's new look, and the two of them struck up a conversation.

Lenwood said he's been going to Spag Union Military Academy, and he's just working at the movie theater for Spring Break. Then Lenwood said he's trying to get good grades at Spag Union so he can get into West Point.

And all of a sudden Dad was treating Lenwood like his new best friend. Which was really crazy, especially considering the history between the two of them.

[Image: A girl running away from a boy and two men near a table.] The caption reads: "BEFORE

AFTER"

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Anyway, Dad kept chatting away with Lenwood, so me and Rodrick just got our popcorn and went in the theater. And it wasn't until halfway through the movie that I realized what was REALLY happening.

If Dad saw how military school could make a man out of a juvenile delinquent like Lenwood Heath, then it wasn't a stretch to think it could make a man out of a wimp like ME.

I'm just praying Dad isn't having those thoughts. Right now I'm pretty concerned, because after the movie tonight, Dad was in the best mood I've seen him in for a LONG time.

[Image: A man and two boys walking to the car.]

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Monday

Well, it's just like I feared. Dad spent the whole weekend reading up on Spag Union, and tonight he told me he's gonna sign me up.

[Image: A man and an boy at a table.]

Here's the worst part: "New recruits" have to report on June 7th, when I'm supposed to be on summer VACATION.

Dad tried to convince me that this would be a great thing for me, and how Spag Union would really whip me into shape. But going off to boot camp was NOT the way I was planning on spending my school break.

I told Dad I won't last a DAY at Spag Union. First of all, they mix kids my age in with teenagers, and that can't be a good thing.

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I'm sure the older kids would single me out on the first day.

[Image: Two men a boy in the bathroom.] The caption reads: "WIMP!

SNAP"

But what I'm actually a lot more concerned with is the bathroom situation. I'll bet Spag Union is one of these places that has open showers with no stall doors, and that kind of setup is not for me.

[Image: Three people in the shower.]

When it comes to the bathroom, I need my privacy. I don't even use the bathroom at school unless it's an absolute emergency.

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A few classrooms in our school have bathrooms right in them, but I can't even use those, because every little sound you make is broadcast to the whole room.

[Image: Two girls sitting outside a door.] The caption reads: "HEE HEE HEE HEE!

SQUORK"

The only other option is to use the cafeteria bathroom, and that place is a complete madhouse. Somebody got the idea a few weeks ago to start throwing wet toilet paper around, so now that place is like a war zone.

[Image: Boys playing in the bathroom with wet toilet paper.] The caption reads: "SPLAT!

BAP"

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I can't concentrate in that kind of an environment, so I basically have to hold it until I get home from school.

A couple of days ago, something happened that changed the situation. The janitor put some new air fresheners in the bathroom.

[Image: An Air freshener.]

I started a rumor that the air fresheners were actually security cameras to catch whoever was throwing the wet toilet paper.

[Image: Three boys outside the boys loo.] The caption reads: "BOYS"

I guess I must've told the right people, because from that point on the cafeteria bathroom has been quieter than the library.

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[Image: Three boys in the rest room.]

I might've solved the bathroom problem at school, but I don't think I'm gonna be able to pull off the same kind of trick at Spag Union. And I SERIOUSLY doubt I can hold it for the whole summer.

I knew I wasn't gonna convince Dad to change his mind, so I went to Mom. I told her I didn't want to go to a place where they make you shave your head and do push-ups each day at 5:00 every morning. I figured she'd agree with me and talk some sense into Dad.

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But it looks like Mom isn't gonna be any help to me after all.

[Image: A lady and a boy.] The caption reads: "I THINK YOU'D LOOK SO HANDSOME IN A UNIFORM!"

Wednesday

I knew I needed to do something quick to convince Dad that I was tough and didn't NEED to go to military academy. So I told him I wanted to join the Boy Scouts.

Dad seemed really enthusiastic about the idea, so that was a relief.

Besides trying to find a way to get Dad off my back, I have a couple of other reasons for wanting to join the Boy Scouts. Number one, Boy Scout meetings are on Sundays, so that means I can quit soccer.

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And number tow, it's about time I start getting some respect from the other kids at school.

[Image: Two boys salute the third one.] The caption reads: "ATTENSHUN!