The Last Straw (2 page)

25

That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.

I don't think Mom and Dad read Manny any Shel Silverstein books, which probably explains why he keeps getting up after they put him to bed.

I've heard some of the stories Mom and Dad read to Manny, and let me just say that the people who write these books really have a racket going.

First of all, there are hardly any words in them, so I'm sure it only takes about five seconds to write one.

[Image: A lady reading to the little one in bed.] The caption reads: "SILLY BEAR YAWNING, SILLY BEAR SAD.

SILLY BEAR SLEEPING, SILLY BEAR GLAD!

THE END.

"

26

I told Mom what I thought of Manny's books, and she said that if they were so easy to write, then I should try writing one myself.

So that's exactly what I did. Trust me, it wasn't hard, either. All you have to do is make up a character with a snappy name, and then make sure the character learns a lesson at the end of the book.

Now all I need to do is mail this thing off to a publisher and wait for the money to start rolling in.

[Image : An old man's picture on a book.

]

The caption reads: "

Wise up, Mr. Shropsharp!

by Greg Heffley

"

27

[Image: An old man.] The caption reads: "Once upon a time there was this man named Mr. Shropsharp who thought all these crazy thoughts.

I DON'T KNOW MUCH, BUT I DO KNOW ONE THING: POLAR BEARS ARE SOME USELESS ANIMALS."

[Image: An old man in a car.] The caption reads: "One day Mr. Shropsharp took a ride in his car.

HERE I GO..."

[Image: An old man's car falling down the bridge.] The caption reads: "But then...

OOPS."

28

[Image: A doctor and a bear stand near the old man's bed.] The caption reads: "And then...

MR. SHROPSHARP, YOU WOULD HAVE DROWNED, BUT LUCKILY TOBUK HERE WAS SITTING ON AN ICEBERG, AND HE SAVED YOUR LIFE."

[Image: An old man.] The caption reads: "And So...

BEFORE, I SAID THAT POLAR BEARS ARE SOME USELESS ANIMALS, BUT NOW I CAN SEE THAT NOT EVERY POLAR BEAR IS SO USELESS AFTER ALL.

THE END"

See what I mean? The only thing I noticed after I finished the book was that I forgot to make it rhyme. But the publisher is gonna have to pay me extra if they want THAT.

29

Saturday

Well, after spending the last two weeks walking to school, I was really looking forward to kicking back and doing nothing for two days.

The problem with watching TV on a Saturday is that the only thing that's on is bowling or golf. Plus, the sun comes through our sliding glass window, and you can barely see the TV screen anyway.

[Image: A boy sitting in the drawing room and watching T.V.] The caption reads: "THAT'S A SPARE, DAVE!"

Today I wanted to change the channel, but the remote was on top of the coffee table. I was all comfortable, with my bowl of cereal in my lap, so I really didn't want to get up.

30

I tried using the Force to make the remote levitate to me, even though I've tried it a million times before and it's never worked once. Today I tried for about fifteen minutes and concentrated REALLY hard, but no luck. I just wish I'd known that Dad was standing right behind me the whole time.

[Image: The man is looking at the boy on the sofa.] The caption reads: "UNH...UNH... UNH...UNH..."

Dad told me I was gonna have to go outside and get some exercise. I told Dad I exercise all the TIME and just this morning I used the bench press he got me.

But I should have come up with something more believable, because it was pretty obvious that wasn't true.

31

[Image: A man standing in the dressing room.]

See, the reason Dad is on my case about exercise and all that is because he's got this boss named Mr. Warren, and Mr. Warren has three boys who are these crazy sports fanatics. Dad sees the Warren kids outside in their front lawn every day on his way home from work when his carpool goes by their house.

[Image: Children playing on the road as a car drives past.] The caption reads: "48... 49... 50!"

32

So I think Dad is pretty disappointed every time he gets home and sees what HIS sons are up to.

[Image: A man looking at the two boys playing on the road.]

Anyway, like I said, Dad kicked me out of the house today. I couldn't really think of anything I wanted to do, but then I had a good idea.

Yesterday at lunch, Albert Sandy was telling everyone about this guy in China or Thailand or someplace who could jump six feet straight up in the air, no joke. The way the guy did it was by digging a hole that was three inches deep and then jumping in and out of it a hundred times. The next day, the guy doubled the size of the hole, and he jumped in and out of THAT. By the fifth day, he was practically like a kangaroo.

33

[Image: Three boys listening to the fourth as they sit at a dinning table.]

Some of the guys at my table told Albert he was full of baloney, but what he was saying made a lot of sense to ME. Plus, I figured if I did what Albert said and then ADDED a few days to the program, all my problems with bullies could be over.

[Image:

The standing at the window sill is looking at the two men at the door.]

The caption reads: "

LOOKING

FOR SOMEONE, FELLOWS?"

34

I got a shovel out of the garage and found a place in the front yard that looked like a good spot to dig. But before I could even get started, Mom came outside and asked me what I was up to.

[Image: A lady standing at the door is looking at the boy with a shovel.]

I told Mom I was just digging a hole, but of course she didn't like THAT idea. So she came up with about twenty reasons why I wasn't allowed to do it.

Mom told me it was "dangerous" to dig in the yard because of underground electrical lines and sewage pipes and stuff. Then she made me promise up and down that I wouldn't dig any holes in our yard. So I promised.

35

Mom went inside, but then she kept watching me out the window. I knew I was gonna have to take my shovel and go dig a hole somewhere else, so I headed up to Rowley's house.

I haven't been going up to Rowley's much lately, mostly because of Fregley. Fregley has been spending a lot of time in his front yard, and sure enough, that's where he was today.

[Image: Two boys outside near the postbox.] The caption reads: "DOES THIS SCAB SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?"

My new strategy with Fregley is to just avoid eye contact and keep walking, and it seemed to do the trick today.

36

When I got to Rowley's I told him my idea, and how the two of us would practically be ninjas if we stuck with this hole-jumping program I planned out.

[Image: Two boys near a haystack.]

But Rowley didn't seem so hot on the idea. He said his parents might get mad if we dug a ten-foot hole in his front yard without asking them, so he was gonna have to get their permission first.

Now, if there's one thing I know about Rowley's parents, it's that they NEVER like my ideas. I told Rowley we could just cover the hole up with a tarp or a blanket or something and put some leaves on top of it, and his folks would never even find out. That seemed to convince him.

37

OK, so I admit that Rowley's parents might EVENTUALLY find out. But that wouldn't be for at least three or four months.

[Image: A man digging into the lawn.] The caption reads: "AIEEEEEEEE!"

Me and Rowley found a good spot in the front yard to start digging, but we ran into a problem right away.

38

The ground was pretty much frozen SOLID, and we could hardly even make a dent.

[Image: A boy looks at the other trying to dig.] The caption reads: "CLUNK"

I spent a few minutes trying before I handed the shovel over to Rowley. He couldn't really make any progress, either, but I gave him an extra-long turn so he could feel like he was contributing to the project.

[Image: A boy is digging and the other is looking at him from the window.] The caption reads: "SIP

DIG"

Rowley got a little bit further than I did, but when it started to get dark out, he gave up.

39

I guess we'll have to take another crack at this thing tomorrow.

Sunday

Well, I thought about it a lot overnight, and I realized that at the rate me and Rowley are going, we're gonna to be in college before this hole is ten feet deep.

So I came up with a totally DIFFERENT idea for what we could do. I remembered this thing I saw on TV where scientists made a "time capsule" and filled it with a bunch of stuff like newspapers and DVDs and things like that. Then the scientists buried their time capsule in the ground. The idea was that in a few hundred years someone will come along and dig it up, and they can learn how people from our time used to live.

[Image: A treasure chest.] The caption reads: "TIME CAPSULE DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2300 A.D."

40

I told Rowley about my idea, and he seemed pretty enthusiastic about it. Mostly, I think he was just glad we weren't gonna spend the next few years digging a hole.

I asked Rowley to donate some items to put in the time capsule, and that's when he got cold feet.

I told Rowley that if he put some of his Christmas presents in the time capsule, people in the future would get some really cool stuff when they opened the box. Rowley told me it wasn't fair, because I wasn't putting any of MY Christmas presents in the time capsule. So I had to explain to him that the people in the future would think we were really lame if they opened the box and it was filled with clothes and books.

[Image: Two boys in a room.]

41

Then I told Rowley I'd throw in three dollars of my OWN money to prove I was making sacrifices, too. That seemed to be enough to convince him to fork over one of his new video games and a couple of other things.

I actually had a secret plan that I wasn't letting Rowley in on. I knew that putting the cash in the time capsule was a smart move, because that money is gonna be worth a LOT more than $3.00 in the future.

So hopefully whoever finds the time capsule will travel back in time and reward me for making them rich.

[Image:

An Indian giving a bag of money to a boy.

] The caption reads: "

FOR YOU, KIND SIR!"

42

I wrote a little note and put it in the box just to make sure the person who finds it knows exactly who to thank.

[Image: A notice.] The caption reads: "To whom it may concern:

The cash is from Greg Heffly 12 Surrey Street"

Me and Rowley found a shoe box and put all of our stuff in it. Then we sealed it up with some masking tape.

I wrote a little note on the outside of the box to make sure it didn't get opened too soon.

[Image: A box with a warning not to be opened.] The caption reads: "Time Capsule

Do not open until time travel is possible."

43

After that, we put it in the hole we dug yesterday and buried it as best we could.

I kind of wish Rowley had put some more effort into digging the hole, because our time capsule wasn't really buried all the way. Hopefully nobody will mess with it, because it needs to stay there for at least a few hundred years.