The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (56 page)

“What are the symptoms?”

“Aren’t they those yellow people on TV?”

A man went to the doctor’s, sporting an ominous-looking green ring around his cock. He was sitting in the waiting room and got into casual conversation with the bloke next to him, who whipped his own prick out to reveal a similar blemish, only this one was deep red. The bloke next to him was called in for his appointment. A minute later, he walked out whistling. On the way out he cheerfully assured the other man that there was nothing to worry about and waved goodbye.

Hugely relieved, he was in two minds whether or not to leave right there and then when the doctor called him in. Deciding he didn’t want to have wasted his doctor’s time, he walked into the office. “What can I do for you today?” enquired the doctor.

“This is a bit embarrassing, but I wonder if you could take a look at my penis. It’s just a little bit discoloured, but I’m sure I may have overreacted.”

The doctor instructed the man to pull down his trousers. After studying the knob for several minutes, the doctor tucked his patient’s cock and testicles back into his underpants and broke the news.

“I’m very sorry to have to inform you that your penis will have to be amputated immediately.”

“What?” gasped the patient. “The other bloke was just in here just now with the same problem and he said his prick was fne afterwards!”

“That’s true,” said the doctor. “Unfortunately there is a world of difference between lipstick and gangrene.”

A man goes in to his doctor’s surgery and asks, “Doctor, do you think I will live until I’m 100?”

The doctor asks, “Do you drink, smoke or do drugs?”

The man replies, “No.”

The doctor then asks, “Do you like to sleep around with women, and go out partying?”

The man replies, “No, I don’t.”

The doctor then asks, “Well, why the fuck do you want to live until you’re 100?”

A man has been feeling ill and off his food for several days when fnally he decides to see his doctor. After hearing the man’s symptoms and examining him with a stethoscope, the doctor tells him that he had a tapeworm.

“Is that bad? How can I get rid of it?” asks the man.

“Come back tomorrow and bring a hard-boiled egg and a Mars Bar,” replies the doctor. A puzzled look crosses the man’s face. “Trust me,” says the doctor. “I’m the doctor.”

So, the following day the man brings in the hard-boiled egg and the Mars Bar. “Please remove everything below the waist and bend over,” says the doctor.

“Excuse me?” says the man.

“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. So, the man removes his trousers and underwear and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up the man’s arse.

“Whoa! Hold on a minute,” shouts the man.

“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, WHAM! – up goes the Mars Bar. “Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow. And bring with you a hard-boiled egg and a Mars Bar,” says the doctor. As the man starts to protest the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”

The man returns the next day and he brings the hard-boiled egg and the Mars Bar. “Drop your trousers and underwear and bend over,” says the doctor.

“This again?” says the man.

”Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor.

So, the man drops his pants and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up his rear. “Oh! I can’t believe I’m doing this!” says the man.

“Hold still now and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, WHAM! – up goes the Mars Bar. “Now pull up your pants and come back tomorrow with another hard-boiled egg and another Mars Bar,” says the doctor. As the man starts to protest again, the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”

This routine goes on for several days, until one day, after the man pulls up his trousers, the doctor says, “Now I want to see you tomorrow with a hard-boiled egg and a cricket bat.” As the man turns pale the doctor says, “Trust me. I’m the doctor.”

The man spends a sleepless night imagining what could happen on his next visit. He almost bottles it and stays home, but he still feels ill. So the man arrives the next day as instructed, with the hard-boiled egg and the cricket bat.

“Drop your trousers and bend over,” says the doctor.

“But why do we need a cricket bat?” asks the man nervously.

“Trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor.

The man drops his pants and bends over. WHAM! – the doctor shoves the egg up his anus. “Oh God!” says the man, terrifed of what is to come next.

“Hold still and trust me. I’m the doctor,” says the doctor. About a minute later, the man is just about on the verge of passing out from sheer terror and can’t help clenching his buttocks as tight as he can. Nothing happens. A couple more minutes pass and he starts to relax.

Suddenly the tapeworm sticks its head out of his rear and says, “Where’s my fucking Mars Bar?” WHAM! – down comes the cricket bat.

Three large German Shepherd dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s surgery when they struck up a conversation. The first dog turned to the second and said, “So, why are you here?”

The second dog replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything – the settee, the drapes, the table, the cat and the kids. But the fnal straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”

The first dog said, “So, what is the vet going to do?”

“Going to give me Prozac, apparently,” came the reply from the second. “All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything.”

The first dog then turned to the third dog and asked, “Why are you here?”

The third dog replied: “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m in the house, I dig up the carpets. Unfortunately I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s brand new leather settee.”

“So, what are they going to do to you?” the first dog asks.

“Looks like Prozac for me too,” the dejected dog replies.

The third dog then turned to the first dog and asked, “So, what’s your story?”

“I’m a shagger,” the first dog said. “I’ll shag anything. I shag the cat, a pillow, the table, the kids, whatever. I want to shag everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”

The first and second dogs exchanged a glance and enquired: “So, Prozac for you too, pal, eh?”

“Actually, no,” said the first dog. “I’m here to have my nails clipped.”

What do you get when you cross a Rottweiler and a St Bernard?

A dog that rips your face off then goes to fetch help.

What do you call a dog with metal balls and no back legs?