Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (57 page)
Sparky.
A dog is truly a man’s best friend. If you don’t believe it, just try this simple experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the boot, which one is happiest to see you?
What is the most popular name for a dog in Korea? Starters.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left him.
What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
How do you make a dog drink?
Stick it in a blender.
How do you know you’re really ugly?
Your dog closes his eyes when he humps your leg.
What is the best thing about play fghting with your pet dog?
The make up sex.
What has four legs and one arm?
A Doberman in a playground.
I was in a bar in the Black Country standing next to a guy with the most docile-looking dog imaginable. When the Walsall score was read out on Sky Sports, however, the dog went completely berserk. It was growling and barking and baring its teeth at the customers.
“Bloody hell, mate, what’s going on there?” I said.
He replied, “Oh yeah. He does that every time Walsall lose.”
I said, “Well, what does he do when they win?”
He replied, “Don’t know mate. I’ve only had him six monthis.”
Why does a dog lick his arsehole?
Because he knows that in a couple of minutes he’ll be licking your face.
“
They say that a dog is man’s best friend. Personally speaking, I can’t see how that can be true. I mean, how many of your friends have you neutered?
”
A man buys a dog from a pet shop and teaches it to recite the Lord’s Prayer, word-for-word, until the dog has it down perfect. He takes the dog to the pub and announces: “I bet anyone here a fiver that this dog can recite the Lord’s Prayer!” Unsurprisingly, several people take up the bet, upon which the dog is placed upon on the bar. “Okay,” says the man to the dog. “Let’s do it.”
“Wuff! Wuff! Wuff!” says the dog, and starts licking its balls.
The man loses all of his money and is despondent. On the way home, he says to the dog, “What the fuck was that all about? I trained you to recite it perfectly!”
“Dead right,” says the dog, “but consider what the odds will be tomorrow night.”
What’s the best way to give your dog a bone?