The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (55 page)

I went to see my doctor to get my prostate checked. He gave me the thumbs up.

A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina. The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a wasp inside me!”

The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation. After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to be reached. The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if the young sir would permit.”

The boyfriend agreed that he willing to do whatever it took to get the wasp out. The doctor said, “Okay, what I suggest you do is rub some jam over the top of your penis and insert it into your young lady. When you feel the wasp getting closer to the tip, withdraw it and the wasp should hopefully follow it out.”

The boyfriend agreed, but was so upset and nervous that he was unable to rise to the occasion.

“If neither of you object, I could give it a try,” suggested the doctor.

The boyfriend nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said “Yes, yes, whatever, please just get on with it!”

The doctor quickly undressed, dipped his penis in jam and mounted the woman. Her boyfriend watched with alarm as the doctor began thrusting forcefully and showed no signs of pulling out.

The boyfriend, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted: “Now, wait a minute, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“Change of plan,” gasped the doctor. “The wasp is in too deep. I’m going to try to drown the little fucker.”

“I have to inform you,” a doctor tells his patient, “that your condition is terminal.”

“Give it to me straight, doctor. How long have I got?”

The doctor replies, “Ten . . .”

“Ten what? Monthis? Weeks?”

The doctor continues: “Nine, eight, seven . . .”

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar, knocking back a few drinks. They start talking and it turns that they’re both doctors. After about an hour or so the man says to the woman, “How about a quick shag, no strings attached? It’ll just be one night of fun.” The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up, as if she’s about to go into the operating room. After scrubbing for what seems like an eternity, she finally goes in the bedroom and they have sex.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am, how did you know?”

The man says, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anaesthesiologist, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” says the man, a bit surprised. “How did you know?”

The woman answers, “Because I never felt a thing.”

“Doctor, I have an embarrassing sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife any more.”

“Okay, Mr Smith, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The following day, the worried husband returns with his spouse.

“Take off your clothes please, Mrs Smith,” the doctor orders. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. I see. Fine, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor takes the husband aside. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Mr Smith,” he says. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”

A man goes to his doctor, complaining of multiple illnesses. After a thorough examination the doctor informs him, “You have hypochondria.”

“Bugger,” says the patient, “not that as well.”

A woman goes to her doctor for some tests. The doctor says to her, “I’m sorry to tell you, you only have a few weeks to live.”

She says, “I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Okay, you’re a fat ugly bint.”

A woman walks into the doctor’s office with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it and prods it. He says, “This is too big a job for me, I’m sending for Pete the pus-sucker.”

Pete the pus-sucker comes in, takes one look at the huge, infamed boil festering with pus and says, “Bloody hell. It’s a big one all right, but I’m going to give it a go. Stand back everyone.”

Pete puts on a lab coat, gets on his knees, presses his lips to her arse and begins to suck the pus from the massive white core of the boil.

About half-way through, the woman slips out a fart. Pete stops what he’s doing and throws up all over the foor. When he’s fnished retching, he looks up and says, “You know, lady, it’s people like you that make this job so gross!”

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’ve got problems with my hearing.”