The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (59 page)

“My name is Cherry.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” said the vicar.

“Yes,” said the little girl. “My mummy was sitting under a cherry blossom tree just before I was born, and some cherry blossom fell on her tummy. She said that it she had a girl, she would name her Cherry.”

“That’s a really sweet story,” the vicar replied. “What’s your dog’s name?”

“Porky.”

“That’s an unusual name for a dog. Why is he called that? Is it because he has a curly little tail?”

“No,” said the little girl. “He fucks pigs.”

My dog kept getting up in the middle of the night and setting the house alarm off. My wife told me to disable it, so I broke its legs with a golf club.

How do you stop a politician from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

What is the most dangerous stretch of water in the world? The shallow end of Michael Barrymore’s pool.

Mick worked at the brewery for twenty years, but one day he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned. The foreman volunteered to inform Mick’s widow of her husband’s death. He went to her house and when she answered the door, he said: “I’m sorry but I have bad news. I’m afraid your husband passed away at work today when he fell into a vat and drowned.”

Mick’s wife was inconsolable and she wept for several minutes. Eventually she pulled herself together and wiped the tears from her eyes with her apron. She asked the foreman, “Tell me, did he suffer?”

“We don’t think so,” the foreman replied. “He got out three times to take a piss.”

A married woman died in a scuba-diving accident while on holiday with her girlfriends. A day later her husband was paid a visit by two grim-faced policemen. “We’re sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some fairly good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, the husband took a deep breath and asked for the bad news first.

“We’re sorry to inform you, sir,” the policeman said, “the authorities found your wife’s body in the sea yesterday.”

“Oh, my God!” said the distraught husband. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, “What’s the good news?”

“When we pulled her up,” said the policeman, “she had two seven-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs attached to her body.”

“Good God! So, what’s the great news?”

The officer replied, “They’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

My younger brother is an example of what can happen to people who get involved with drugs. He has a Porsche and his own house by the age of nineteen.

How do you plant dope?

Bury a blonde.

A tabloid newspaper published a picture of the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps at a party taking a huge hit from a huge reefer.

I think there’s an important lesson to be learned here, children - never share your bong with someone who has the lung capacity of a dolphin.

Jesus sits down one day and considers the high rate of drug abuse that will follow long after his time on earth. He thinks it is a bit hypocritical of him to condemn them without first trying them himself, so he sends his apostles out to see what drugs they can find. A couple of days later Jesus hears a knock at the door. “Who is it?”