The Mill House (50 page)

his child more, and even knowing she isn't mine hasn't changed that. I just pray that the worst she has to live with is my desertion, because learning who her real father is would surely destroy her young life, and I'd rather destroy my own than ever have that happen.

What I saw that day still sickens me to my stomach, and always will. Alice and George ...

Julia leapt to her feet and held the book away as though it might contaminate her. She could hardly breathe. Horror and revulsion were pulsing thickly through her veins. Please God this wasn't going where she thought it was. It couldn't. It was unthinkable, unbearable ... She must find out though, she had to force herself to read on. Still on her feet, and keeping the book at a distance, she made her eyes look at the words.

I'd thought myself depraved for even thinking it, but that day I discovered I was right. All these years, all his bible-thumping hypocrisy, all her deceit... Their perversion has robbed me of everything, but nothing matters more than Julia. They have allowed me to think of her as my own. I know now that isn't true, which is why I cant take her from them. I have no right to her, and even though I fool myself sometimes into believing she's still mine, to prove it would be to put her through the worst imaginable hell, and should I turn out to be wrong, it is far better that she never learns the truth.

Julia could read no more. Her stomach was churning so badly that she cast the book aside, and ran downstairs to the bathroom. Vomit spewed out of her, over and over and over, until there was nothing but dry, heaving sobs to wrench the disgust from her body and horror from her mind. But it was still there. It would never go away now.

and as the sheer enormity of it washed over her again, she began to tear at her hair and scream from the very depths of her soul.

George had fathered her. That warped, evil bastard she so hated ... It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. She put her hands to her burning cheeks and pressed in hard. Her blood was tainted. She was the product of incest ... She thought of Josh and then Dan, and her entire world collapsed. George and her mother and their ugly, filthy, despicable depravity were the cause of Dan's problems. Oh dear God, how was she ever going to tell Josh? How could he possibly look at her the same way again? He'd never be able to live with something like this, any more than she could. She thought of Pam and her own dear little daughter, Rachel, with Down's and epilepsy. Julia had no idea how much Pam knew, but it surely couldn't be the whole truth, because not even Pam could forgive the perversion that had resulted in such afflictions on her own precious child.

Rage was boiling so fast through her gut now that to reach out for the phone was nowhere near enough. She was going to confront her mother and that abomination she called a brother, and when she did, God help them all. They were going to regret the day they'd conceived her, even more than she did, and right now that regret was profound enough for her to wish herself stone-cold dead.

Rene had not long turned out the light when she heard a car pulling into the drive, and glanced at the digital clock beside her. Ten fifty-one. Instinct

told her who it would be, and as a car horn started to blast, her suspicions were confirmed.

Slipping out of bed, she went to peer through the curtains and seeing that indeed it was Julia's car, a small smile passed over her lips, for retribution was clearly at hand. It should have been Douglas himself, but Julia would do just as well.

Though Alice's room was at the back of the house, Rene knew she couldn't fail to hear the din, and Rene took a moment's delight in the justice that had led George to his sister's room this night, instead of his own. Like Rene, they would know instantly it was Julia outside causing the commotion, and Rene could almost feel the fear creeping through Alice's incestuous bones. George would probably be out of bed by now, ludicrously stumbling into his pyjamas, wrapping his robe around his girth, and ordering Alice to stay where she was.

From behind her curtains Rene watched Julia striding to the front door and starting to hammer with all her might. She felt sorry for her, but there was nothing she could do to alter the tragedy now, it was all far too late for that. Events would have to take their course, though she, Rene, had given them a hand the day she'd sent someone to see Douglas with photographs, and the real version of the truth. It hadn't quite worked out the way she'd expected then, but she had more confidence that it would now, and going to the phone next to her bed, she picked it up and dialled 999. It would take the police a while to get here, but never mind, it was always best to report an intruder.

Not even the long drive, or the virtual three hours it had taken, had lessened Julia's horror or subdued her rage. If anything, her fury had intensified and as she banged on her mother's front door it was as though she was trying to push her fist straight through it.

'Open this door!' she raged. 'Open it now or the whole neighbourhood's going to know what's going on in there.' She thumped and kicked it again, and stood back to look up at the windows.

'For heaven's sake, control yourself,' George snapped, pulling the door open. 'Do you know what time of night it is ...'

'Get out of my way,' she snarled, and shoving him aside she stormed into the hall. 'Where is she? Where are you, you fucking bitch. Come down here and face me...'

'How dare you,' George growled behind her. 'I won't have that sort of language in this house ..'

'Language!' Julia spat incredulously. 'You're worried about language, when you've been fucking your own sister! What kind of man are you? No, don't even speak to me,' she cried, blocking her ears with her hands.

George's face was white. 'Come into the sitting room.' he said. 'We need to talk, and you ...'

'I have nothing to discuss with you. I don't want you ever to come anywhere near me, but I'm not leaving here until she shows her face.'

'Julia,' her mother said from the top of the stairs, 'please try to calm down.'

Julia spun round and only fury kept her heart from breaking into a thousand pieces. 'How could

you?' she screamed. 'I know what you've done, what you are ...'

'Julia, please, come into the sitting room,' George persisted.

'Don't touch me!' she hissed, jerking away as he tried to take her arm. 'Don't you ever touch me, you disgusting ...'

'Julia, stop it!' Alice snapped, starting down the stairs. 'All this rage isn't going to get us anywhere, now pull yourself together.'

'Don't you dare say that to me. After what you've done ...'

'Always the drama queen,' Alice cut in sharply. 'Always over-exaggerating a situation ...'

Julia stared at her in shock. 'Mother, that just isn't possible,' she told her scathingly. 'Don't you have any understanding of what you've done? Doesn't it make you feel ashamed ...'

'If you'd let someone else speak ...'

'You think I want the details of your sordid little life, or to hear any more of your lies? What you've done to me, to my father ... And please don't try to tell me that sick monster there is my father, because I'll never accept it. Do you hear me, never! Douglas Cowan is the only father I've ever had, or will ever have.'

'Douglas Cowan was...'

'Don't you dare! If you go even one word towards trying to tell me he was a paedophile, so help me God I'll kill you.'

'I wasn't going to say any such thing,' Alice objected.

Julia was barely listening. 'All these years, when you knew how much I loved him,' she seethed.

'how devastated I was when he left .. How could you? What kind of woman are you? You even set him up to be questioned by the police ... I've read it all I know what you did. Do you have no conscience, no shame? How can you live with yourself?'

'We need to talk,' Alice said, glancing towards George. 'Let's please try to do it in a calm and adult manner.' She was already moving towards the sitting room, where George was opening the double doors.

'I hope you're not going to try and deny it,' Julia shouted, as she went after them, 'because he's written it all down, how he found you together . How do you look at yourself in a minor? How can you show your faces in a church? You're such hypocrites. It's a sin, you know that, don't you?'

'For heaven's sake, stop,' Alice barked.

'I think we should pray,' George said.

Julia gaped at him. 'Are you out of your mind?' she cried. 'He's not going to help you now. Frankly, I'm amazed you can even suggest such a thing, knowing what you've done.' She spun back to her mother. 'You know it's not normal. Christ, it's not even legal. Do you ever think about how much damage you've caused? Aren't you tormented by your own conscience? How do you bring yourself to look at Rachel, or Dan?' Saying her son's name brought a sob from her throat. 'I don't know how I'm ever going to live with this,' she cried. 'I've passed my tainted genes on to my son. How do you think Josh will feel when I tell him? He'll want to kill you.'

'Julia, will you please listen,' George broke in, going to stand closer to Alice.

'Not to you. Never to you ... Does Pam know?' she shot at her mother. 'She can't, because surely to God ...'

'All Pam knows is that Douglas isn't her father,' Alice said quietly, 'and we'd prefer it if you didn't tell her the truth.'

Julia was about to yell again when George shouted over her, 'Oh most meek Jesus, implant in our hearts the virtues of gentleness and patience ...'

'Stop it! Stop!' Julia shrieked. 'God's not listening to you. No-one is. You lost that right the day you screwed your own sister.'

'Julia, please try to understand,' Alice said. 'George and I... It's not something we wanted to happen. All our young lives we tried to fight it, because we knew it was wrong. But it never felt that way ...'

Julia was recoiling. 'Don't go any further,' she warned. 'I'm perfectly clear about what's been happening and why my son's the way he is ...'

'You're jumping to conclusions again,' Alice cried. 'You did the same with Douglas. No-one ever told you he was a paedophile ...'

'You led me to it,' Julia screamed in despair. 'You tried to make me think he was the lowest of the low, the scum of the earth, but do you know what, it never really worked, because I always knew something was wrong about it. I knew he wasn't like that. He was good and kind and pure. He loved me, and you stole me from him.' Emotion was locking her throat. 'He was my father.' she sobbed helplessly. 'Whatever you say, Douglas Cowan was my father.'

'Yes, he was,' Alice said calmly.

It took a moment for Julia to register the words.

'Douglas was your father,' her mother repeated.

Julia stared at her, unable to make sense of this sudden change 'But he wrote in his diary ... He said you'd told him ...'

'That's what we told him, but it wasn't true,' Alice confessed. 'Not of you. Only of Pam. I just didn't want him to take you away, so we lied to him.'

Julia's heart twisted with pain and as a new understanding began to dawn she shook uncontrollably. 'Oh my God!' she murmured, hardly able to take it in. 'You let him believe I wasn't his. You told him ... You let him think ... Oh my God, how could you have done that? You broke his heart. You virtually destroyed him ...' Hate filled up her heart. 'How could you have taken me from him?' she flung at her mother. 'You never wanted me, you bitch! Oh God, I can't bear it. All he went through. The years you stole from him.' Tears were streaming down her face, too much pain was crushing her heart. 'I want to kill you for this!' she screamed. 'Do you know that? I want to kill you for how much you made him suffer.'

'Here, Julia. Take this,' Rene said from behind her.

Julia spun round.

'Rene, in the name of the Lord,' George cried, lunging forward, but he stopped as Rene raised the barrel of the shotgun.

'Do not invoke God one more time in this house,' she snarled. 'Your sins are beyond numbering, and beyond redemption. For what

you've done to Julia, to Douglas, and most of all to Pam and her dear little child, you deserve to die. Julia, take the gun, and shoot them like the animals they are.'

Hardly knowing what she was doing, Julia took the gun. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she had to get it away from Rene, but once it was in her hands she felt an intoxicating surge of power that dizzied and disoriented her.

'Your father knew the truth in the end,' Rene told her gently. 'I sent someone to see him. I couldn't bear the lie to go on any longer. He was a good man. The man you always believed in. They should never have lied to him the way they did, and I should never have kept silent. We are all sinners, but no-one has sinned as much or as heinously as they have.'

'Rene, you don't know what you're saying,' George growled.

'Don't be a fool, George,' she responded. 'It's over now, can't you see that? Julia was always going to find out one day, and I blame myself for letting it go on so long. But at least I allowed Douglas to die knowing his daughter was his. What you did to him was beyond forgiveness. The lies you told, the money you tried to buy him off with, and for what?' She turned to Alice, her pale eyes gleaming with hatred. 'For her! Your own flesh and blood. You're not fit to tread God's earth, either of you, and condoning it the way I have makes me almost as bad as you. But I can't live with my conscience any longer. I need to cleanse my soul of my sins before I die, but for you there is only hell and eternal damnation.'