The Mill House (57 page)

Josh glanced at his mother, then at Dan, who was watching him too.

'Dad, you said!' Shannon cried, obviously sensing a change of plan. 'We all agreed, didn't we Dan? You were there.' 'Yes, I was there,' Dan confirmed. 'OK, OK,' Josh said. There was still Friday to get through yet, so time to think up an excuse not to go, and if Julia was intending to come back here, well, maybe she'd like to think again, because now

the initial shock was wearing off, a very deep, and very dangerous anger was starting to set in. In fact, just to make sure she was in no doubt of the way he was feeling, the instant he could snatch a few moments alone he sent her a text saying, unless you do the right thing, consider our marriage dead.

So much dread was building inside Julia, as Fen pulled off the main road and drove up to the front of the clinic, that she was very close to saying they should turn back. It was only the reminder that nothing was going to happen today, that it was merely a consultation, so there was really no reason to be this uptight, that stopped her. She just needed to get out of the car and make herself walk up to the front of this long white building, surrounded by carefully tended flower beds, which appeared as benign as the gently sloping hills fanning out behind it. It had an air about it that made it seem almost inviting, though there was not a single part of her that walked willingly up to the revolving front doors, or that entered a reception that was so elegantly furnished it could almost have been fronting a five-star hotel.

'Are you OK?' Fen asked, after she'd given her name to the receptionist.

Julia nodded, though she knew that the strain must show in her face, as it did in the tightness of the hand that was clutching her mobile phone. She'd erased the text from Josh just after it had arrived, but it was still upsetting her, even though she understood his anger. She kept hoping he'd call or text again, but there had been no more

communication between them since that message, and she wasn't even sure what she wanted him to say.

'You'll like Edmund,' Fen told her as they settled into a pair of wing chairs. 'He's a lovely man and an excellent doctor. I handled his divorce, so I got to know him reasonably well, and I can tell you, anyone who'd put up for more than twenty years with the shrew of a wife he was detaching from is a saint indeed.'

Julia smiled weakly, then tensed even harder as a bolt of nerves came out of nowhere to turn her stomach inside out. She couldn't go through with this, she just couldn't. She took a breath and was about to get up, when she reminded herself again that she wasn't here to make a final decision. The relief that followed was so profound that had she been thinking straight she'd probably have conceded, right then, that she was going to keep the baby.

'Fen, how lovely to see you. How are you?'

Julia looked up as Fen rose to her feet to greet a short, stocky man with springy grey hair, half- moon specs and a smile so warm and sincere that there was no mistaking his affection for his feisty lawyer.

'I'm very well, Edmund,' she said, taking his hand between both of hers. 'Thank you for slotting us in at such short notice. I know how in demand you are.'

'But always available for you, you know that,' he twinkled.

Fen blushed and laughed, then turned to introduce Julia.

'How do you do?' Julia said, her mouth so dry and her throat so tight it was hard to get the words out.

His eyes seemed to close in on hers a little, as though guessing how she was feeling, and in a tone that made her relax a little, he said, 'I understand we're just going to have a chat today.'

Julia nodded.

'Excellent,' He smiled. 'Would you like to come along through?'

After glancing at Fen, who gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, she followed him along a plushly carpeted hallway towards a spiral staircase that created an intriguing centrepiece for a large picture window behind it. However, she barely noticed it, she was too busy imagining how she'd feel if it were all actually about to happen, if she were on her way to an anaesthetic right now, but strangely, unlike a few minutes ago, nothing seemed to be registering. She switched her mind to another scene which saw her leaving here, no longer pregnant, but she wasn't clear how she'd feel about that either. She thought of Josh, Shannon, Dan, Rico, then Josh again. She wished he was here, but of course it was madness to think he ever would be.

'Here we are,' Dr Harris said, pushing open a door that bore his name on a shiny chrome plaque. 'Can I ask the nurse to bring you a coffee?'

'No, I'm fine thanks,' she responded.

'Then why don't we make ourselves comfortable over here?' he said, steering her away from his desk towards a pair of two-seater sofas.

She sat down stiffly, then realising she was still

clutching her phone, as though it were some kind of lifeline to Josh, she quickly turned it off and popped it in her bag.

'So,' he said, sitting down too, 'it would seem that we have a surprise pregnancy.'

Appreciating the euphemism, she attempted to sound droll as she said, 'That's certainly one way of putting it.'

His eyes twinkled, but then he was serious again. 'And you're considering a termination?' 'Just considering. I haven't made a decision yet.' He nodded. 'Well, before we go any further, are you aware of the medical and legal guidelines covering a termination?'

'I think so,' she answered. 'It has to be signed off by two doctors, and it can't be carried out after twenty-four weeks.'

'That's correct, but there are other criteria that have to be taken into consideration, such as the reason for the termination.'

She tried to swallow, but her throat had turned dry again.

'Would I be correct in assuming that the baby isn't your husband's?' he prompted gently.

She nodded, and wished the world would just swallow her up for how bad that made her feel.

'And it will cause problems for your marriage if you keep it?' 'Yes,' she said, in barely more than a whisper. He fixed her with his kind eyes and said, 'So how far along do you estimate yourself to be?' 'Five to six weeks.'

'Then you've still some time to make a decision. Would it help for me to talk you through the

procedure, what actually happens, how long it would take, the type of anaesthetic we recommend?'

She took a breath but no words came out.

He smiled. 'OK. Tell me, have you spoken to your GP yet? Has he examined you at all?'

'No. He's in London. I - uh ... I used one of the tests from a pharmacy. Do you think there's a chance it could be wrong?'

His expression was regretful. 'Unlikely, I'm afraid,' he said. 'Have you had any symptoms?'

'Some nausea. Tiredness, but I've been going through a difficult time lately. My father died, and things haven't been great with my husband ...' Realising she was trying to talk herself out of her condition, she stopped and let her eyes fall away.

He started to get up. 'Maybe we should take a look at you,' he said. 'If you've been a little run-down anyway, and grieving, it could affect your periods. Do you know the date of your last one?'

'Not exactly, but it was about two months ago, I think.' Meaning that she'd have been ovulating at the time she was with Rico, and now she could hardly believe she hadn't given it a moment's thought. What the hell was the matter with her, just how blind and selfish could she be?

'The examination room's through there,' he said, pointing at a door behind his desk. 'If you want to pop in and get undressed, you'll find a very glamorous paper gown on the end of the bed, all fresh and exclusively yours, and I'll ask the nurse to come and join us.'

A few minutes later Julia was lying on a lightly padded examination couch, feeling so tense and

anxious again that she dreaded the very thought of anything probing inside her. Not even Edmund Harris's avuncular manner was helping her to relax now, or the nurse who'd given her a big, friendly smile when she'd come into the room. Now the nurse was standing the other side of the couch, watching the doctor as he sat down on a wheeled stool and started to press his fingers gently over Julia's abdomen.

'Mmm,' he said in a doctorly way. He frowned, pressed again and said, 'I see.'

Julia looked at him, waiting for him to tell her what he saw, but he merely turned away, and scooted his stool a few inches towards the scanner. 'I think we'll forgo the pelvic exam,' he said, busying himself with the controls. 'I expect you'll be happy to hear that, not many women enjoy the speculum.'

Julia glanced at the nurse.

'The cold, unforgiving metal thing,' the nurse explained, reaching across to take something from the doctor.

Julia watched as the nurse coated her belly in a thick, cold gel.

'OK,' Edmund Harris said when she'd finished. 'We're going to carry out an ultrasound, which, as you probably know, won't hurt a bit.'

Nevertheless, Julia braced herself and turned away, for she knew, if she were to take just one look at the image of her unborn child, she'd never be able to destroy it.

The roller was smooth on her skin, sliding over the gel and almost skidding off the other side. She was aware of both the doctor and nurse watching

the screen, and felt so wretched about refusing to look that she almost started to cry.

Edmund Harris glanced up at the nurse, then back to the screen. 'Mmm,' he said again.

Julia was starting to feel alarmed. 'Is it all right?' she asked, still trying not to look.

'Oh yes, it's all right,' he replied. 'Very healthy I would say, but I have to tell you, Mrs Thayne, you're much further along than five or six weeks. In fact, the baby I'm seeing here is much closer to fifteen.'

Julia turned to look at him, then at the screen. 'But it can't be,' she protested. 'It's just not possible. My husband and I ... We haven't ...' Tears were welling up in her eyes and strangling her voice. There had to be a mistake, something was wrong ...

'The size and weight leave no room for doubt,' Edmund Harris told her. 'It's still within the legal limit of course, but. . .'

'No! I can't have a termination,' she cried.

There was no surprise in Harris's tone as he said, 'I rather thought that might change the picture.'

'If I'm fifteen weeks,' she said, still unable to take it in, 'then I...' A wave of emotion stole her voice. 'I know it's possible to get pregnant without a man reaching climax,' she finally managed, 'but it never ... I just assumed ...' She couldn't go on, because if this baby was Josh's it changed everything, and she was crying too hard now to speak anyway.

The nurse passed her a Kleenex, while Harris pressed a button to print out an image of the foetus.

'I can't tell you,' Julia gasped, wiping her eyes, 'how happy this makes me. Thank you. Thank you so much.'

Harris laughed. 'I think you managed it without me,' he said dryly.

Julia desperately wanted to hug him, but knew it wouldn't be appropriate, so somehow managed not to. The nurse helped her to sit up, and as she swung her legs off the couch she put her hands over her belly and felt so much love and relief welling up in her that she almost started to cry again. Why hadn't she realised sooner? How could she not have known? Fifteen weeks was a long time, but she'd assumed her stomach was filling out because she was eating so much - and then she'd lost weight, but her stomach hadn't gone down, so she should have known. She'd had a period though, she was certain of it, however, it was hard to remember now, so much had happened, so maybe she hadn't. All she knew was that she'd had her coil removed back in May because it was giving her problems, and with the way things were, they hadn't needed the protection. But what did any of it matter now? The fact was, her pregnancy was fifteen weeks along, and even though she and Josh hadn't planned any more, considering the circumstances this little one surely had to be more welcome than the other two put together, and God knew they'd been wanted ...

Chapter Twenty-Two

'I still don't know how to break it to him,' Julia was saying half an hour later as Fen drove them around the horse chestnut and over the cattle grid. 'Maybe I should go straight back to London. Or should I call him? I'd rather do it face to face, but I can't bear the idea of him going through this for a minute longer.'

Fen was smiling as she speeded up again to proceed down the drive.

'Oh God,' Julia groaned as a shudder of nerves chased through her. 'I hope he's going to be pleased. I mean, he's bound to be, isn't he? This should make everything all right again. Yes, of course it will. What am I so worried about? We might not actually have planned another baby, but it's here now, and once we get used to the idea ... I think the children will be thrilled. Well, Dan will. I'm not sure about Shannon. Teenagers can be a bit strange about their mothers getting pregnant, can't they? We're not supposed to have sex.'

Fen's eyebrows arched. 'If you'll forgive me for saying, I don't think Shannon ...'

'Oh God, don't say it!' Julia put her hands over her face. 'I want to forget that ever happened.'

'I imagine she does too, and frankly, Mummy pregnant with Daddy's baby will probably help, because it'll mean Mummy's been playing on her home ground, where she belongs. Much easier to deal with.'