The Mill House (54 page)

A tear fell onto Julia's cheek as she turned a page. '"25th September,"' she read. '"After days of much soul-searching and painful indecision, I finally found the courage to pick up the phone and call Julia. I longed to hear her voice, to know how she is, to share with her some of the events of these past twenty or more years, but in the end I decided it would be an act of the greatest selfishness to impose a sick and dying father upon her now, so I rang off before she came to the phone. She has her own life to be going on with, as a busy mother and wife, a successful editor, I'm told, with a husband who's very successful too, and apparently loves her very much. I approve of him just for that. I did get to speak to my granddaughter though, and I thank God for that. I'm only sorry I won't hear my grandson, but I've now decided that this is no time for reunions, when the final goodbye is so close. The gift I will give them will be this house, and all the love it has known through my darling Gwen, and perhaps this book, which maybe, one day soon, Julia will read. But of course she won't, because there is too much in it that I would never want her to know, I just like to pretend to myself that it's possible for me to share all this with her, without causing her pain. I will destroy it soon, but for now it is helping me to remember, and allowing me the pleasure of speaking to her almost as though she were here."'

Having to pause to dab away her tears, Julia

glanced at Fen and saw that her eyes were full too. '"29th September,'" she read, after clearing her throat. '"I have felt too weak to write much for a while, but I am sitting here on the bed now, having made it down the stairs, unassisted, to fetch this book. Fen would be very cross with me if she knew, but I'm feeling rather proud of my little triumph. She came to sit with me last night, as she does most nights. I know her heart is troubled over Bob, but she won't talk to me now, the way she used to. It's because I'm sick, I know, but I do my best to soothe her by holding her hand, and I think she appreciates it. In truth, I think it is me who gets the better end of that deal, because I love it when she's here. She tells me about her day, which is always interesting because of the bizarre and barmy people she meets, and I love to see the way her eyes sparkle when she tells me things I probably ought not to hear. It is my dearest wish that she and Julia should become friends. I hope my passing will bring them together, and that they will know as much joy of each other as I have known of them.'"

Julia looked at Fen and they both smiled, knowing his wish had come true.

'"4th October,'" Julia read. '"I haven't been at all well this past day or so. Fen says I should move to the bedroom downstairs, and I think she's right. It would make it easier for everyone, including me. What would I do without dear Fen? And her father, who's been like a brother to me. I'm sure he lets me win at backgammon, because he can't really be that bad.'"

Both Fen and Julia laughed, and Fen swallowed the lump in her throat.

"'5th October. I've been wondering today about Rene's motive for sending me the truth about Julia when she did, and I fear that she was hoping to stir up my wrath to avenge her own pain. If I am correct, then I will take only the good that has come from it, and leave the rest to her.

"'Tilde is fussing over me like an old mother hen, and I love to hear her. I asked her if she'd care for a dance just now, and the daft old thing started to cry. (She must have a memory of me treading on her toe.) They're moving me downstairs later and I must remember to take this book with me, though I fear I won't be writing much more. My hand is no longer steady, and my eyes are failing. I feel the end drawing close. I lie quietly for long stretches of time that seem only like minutes, but sometimes years. I fill my mind with the memories I have of Julia growing up, all the laughter we shared, the secrets, and the love. I managed to take some of her things when I left, little mementoes that would remind me of her, but they're in the attic now, so I can't get to them. I imagine her with her lovely children, beautiful and happy, and though I know we won't meet again in this world, I believe there will be a lot of time for us in the next.'"

Again Julia had to take a pause before she could read on. '"Julia, my Julia,'" she finally managed. "'How happy it makes me to be able to write that and know it is true. Though I doubt you will ever read this, my darling, because later I shall burn it, I want you to know that I never forgot you, even for a minute, and wherever I might be after I leave this world, I shall be watching over you.

Goodnight, now. God bless. Remember to let the angels know if you're in a mess.'"

As she finished Julia's voice was thick with tears. 'He used to say that to me when I was a child,' she said, barely able to utter the words. 'Let the angels know when you're in a mess. He said they'd let him know and he'd come to sort it out.'

Fen gave her a while to collect herself, then drying her own eyes, she got up to refill their glasses. 'Let's drink to him, wherever he is now,' she said.

'And to Gwen,' Julia added. 'Let's hope they're together.'

'To Douglas and Gwen,' Fen said, clinking her glass. 'And to us for making one of his dearest wishes come true.'

After they drank, Fen returned to her cushion by the fire and said, 'He must have slipped the book under his bed, and after his stroke he couldn't let any of us know it was there - which means you were meant to have it.'

Julia smiled and nodded.

'Have you read any of it to Josh yet?'

'No, but I will, when he has time to listen. He's pretty busy right now, with work and the children.' Her eyes were drifting off to nowhere. 'I should go back,' she said quietly. 'I mean I will. They need me and I've been away too long.'

'Have you spoken to Shannon?'

'No, but she finally answered one of my texts today
TO
say she was feeling OK about her exams.'

Fen watched her, waiting for her to say more, but the didn't, so in the end Fen said, 'Something else is bothering you, isn't it?' Julia's eyes came to hers.

'It's all right, you don't have to tell me,' Fen said softly. 'I think I can guess.'

The next few days seemed to pass in a blur as Julia finished clearing the attic, spoke to the police on the phone, and made a trip into Bodmin with Fen. They ordered a new bed, then wandered down the high street to have lunch at one of the trendy cafes, where they talked long into the afternoon. There was much to discuss, but even the support of such a good friend wasn't helping to ease the new and devastating fear that Julia had building inside. For now though, she kept putting it aside, focusing her mind on the present, and not daring to think beyond it.

She spoke to Josh several times a day, even when neither of them had much to say. It seemed they both felt the need to hear the other, and though he was trying very hard not to press her about coming home, she knew her failure to set a date was concerning and confusing him.

'Would you like me to come and get you?' he offered after five days had gone by.

'No, it's fine. I can do the drive. I'll just hang on here until the new bed is delivered, then I'll be on my way back.'

'When will that be?'

'They said the day after tomorrow.'

He knew very well that Fen or one of her family would oversee the delivery if asked, but he didn't put it to her, and she didn't mention it either. Instead, because it was very early in the morning, and no-one else was up yet, she read him the last entries in her father's journal.

'Of course we'll keep the house now,' he said when she'd finished. 'I'll speak to the probate officer, and get a final bill.' 'Thank you,' she whispered. After a pause, he said, 'Do you want to live there? Is that what this is about?'

'No, I want to live with you, and you have to be in London. We can have this place for holidays and weekends.'

'Then I don't understand what's happening,' he confessed. 'If you need more space, if you'd rather I stopped calling for a while ...'

'No, please don't do that. I'm sorry, everything will be fine, I promise. I'll be home by the weekend.'

After ringing off she turned away from the phone and gazed out at the first glimmers of dawn. Rather than think of her promise, she imagined them all spending Christmas here, and how wonderful it would be. She was sure they'd want to, so maybe she'd bring it up the next time they spoke.

Later in the day she returned from the supermarket to find a message on the machine from Rico. It was the first time he'd called for almost three weeks, and hearing his voice turned her so hot inside that she almost felt faint.

'I have all my land in Italy,' he'd told her. 'It is my father's now, but one day it can be ours. You will be so happy here ...'

She was picturing him in Tuscany, living the kind of life so many English women dreamt of, but it wasn't for her. There was only one life she wanted, and she was going back to it any day now.

She sat down at the table and buried her head in her arms. She must have drifted off for a while, because the sound of the phone ringing seemed to startle her. Realising it was probably Dan, having just come out of school, she forced herself to her feet to go and answer.

'Julia? How are you dear? Now, I've found Shallard's Cross on the map, but you'll have to give me directions to the house. I have a pen handy, but speak slowly and clearly so I can make sure I get it right. I wouldn't want to end up lost now, would I?'

Julia stared at the phone, and felt a terrible sense of foreboding coming over her. 'Rene, you can't come here,' she said. 'You must never come here.'

'Now, don't be silly dear. We've got to plan tactics, and we should do it together. So come along, my pen's at the ready.'

'What do you mean, tactics?'

'You know what I mean, so come along now, there's not a lot of time. They'll be here any minute.'

'Who will? Where are you?'

'At home, in Deakins. Where do you think?'

Julia's mind was spinning.

'This will be my house soon,' Rene ranted on, 'and I intend to will it to you when I go. I thought you'd like that. You deserve it dear, after what you've been through. As do I. After all, I'm the one who's been living with them all these years. Of course, I don't have anything to do with them now. I keep myself to myself, up in my room. You really should have shot them when you had the chance, you know. Now, we'll have to work it out

all over again. It shouldn't be difficult, because they'll do anything to safeguard their nasty little secret.. .'

'Rene, I don't want to have this conversation,' Julia cut in. 'You're out of my life now, all of you ...'

'But I'm the one who gave your father the photos,' she cried. 'I wrote the letter telling him you were his, and how they'd lied. They were lovers even before George and I were married, you know, but I didn't mind, because I didn't want him doing those things to me.'

'Rene, I...'

'After Pam was born they swore to give each other up,' she pressed on. 'Of course, they knew what they were doing was wrong. How could they not? So Alice married your father, and for a while I think they were happy. You know, it really is a pity Douglas didn't come and finish them off himself when he found out the truth. I thought he would. Still, things don't always work out the way we want them to, do they? I'd kill them myself, but I don't think I could stand to be in prison. So you should be the one to do it, dear. You cope with things so much better than I ever could, and considering the circumstances, I don't think your sentence would be long ...'

Having no doubt at all that Rene had completely lost her mind, Julia said, 'I have to ring off now. Please don't call here again.'

After putting the phone down she immediately rang Josh. 'She's clearly lost it,' she said, after relating the call, 'but I can't speak to my mother or George myself ...'

'Don't worry, I'll do it. Did she say where she is now?'

'At the house, in her room, apparently.'

'All right. I'll call them right away and get back to you.'

When the phone rang a few minutes later she was still standing next to it.

'I spoke to George,' he told her. 'Apparently Rene's locked in her room, and can't get out.'

'They've got her locked up? Well, maybe it's for the best. Did you tell him about the call?'

'Yes. He admitted she's come unhinged, and that she probably needs to go into psychiatric care, but for the moment, they're keeping her there.'

'Because they're afraid of what she'll reveal. Dear God, how many victims are there going to be? Everyone seems to suffer, but them.' 'I'm not going to get into defending them,' he responded, 'but it's clearly not only what she can reveal that they're afraid of, because he told me they've got rid of all the guns now, and she isn't allowed near knives, even to eat.'

'Oh Christ,' Julia murmured. 'Well, they've got no more than they deserve.'

'I won't argue with that, but I'm not sure I like the idea of you being down there alone now. If she does manage to get out, you're pretty remote. Even the Bowers aren't close enough to hear if you get into trouble.'

'I know,' she said, feeling an icy chill run down her spine.

'So will you come home now?' he asked.

'Yes. Yes, I will. I'll ask Tilde to oversee the