The Mill House (58 page)

Julia looked down at the black and white printout of the world's most precious little foetus. 'I should have asked what sex it is,' she said. 'Do you think they can tell yet?'

'I'm not sure. Do you want to know?'

Julia thought about that. 'Only if Josh does,' she answered, and waved out to Fen's mother who was clearing leaves from the lawn. For one ridiculous moment she wanted to leap out and hug her, but managed to refrain. 'It's a perfect winter's day, isn't it?' she declared, deciding to take it as a good omen. "The sun's out, there's hardly a cloud in the sky and everything smells so wonderfully smoky and . . . Christmassy.'

Fen glanced over at her, and, still smiling, accelerated gently down into the woods, where misty bands of sunlight poured down through the trees to fan out over the stream. 'I hope you'll consider spending Christmas here,' she said, as they bumped along the track.

'Oh, I will,' Julia assured her, 'consider it, I mean. I'd absolutely love to, but right now everything's up to Josh.' She looked down at the rippling reflections on the water and felt another surge of relief mixed with unease. 'You know, I'm going to

tell him the instant I get in,' she said, 'because I just can't bear to think of what he's going through.'

A couple of minutes later Fen's voice lilted with irony as she said, 'I think that's a wise decision, and by the look of it, you won't need the phone.'

Julia glanced at her in confusion, then following her eyes to the glade outside the mill her heart did an almighty somersault. 'Oh my God,' she murmured, seeing Josh standing next to a large silver Mercedes, talking to Shannon, who was taking things out of the boot. 'Fen, he's here!'

Fen laughed, and Julia's insides plunged into free fall as, hearing a car approach, Josh and Shannon both turned round.

Almost before Fen had a chance to stop Dan came bursting out of the house and thundering down the steps, shouting, 'Mum! Mum! Look, we're here! Is it a surprise?'

'Yes, it's a surprise,' she laughed, catching him as he hurled himself into her arms. 'Oh my darling, let me look at you,' she cried, tilting his face up. 'You're so handsome and gorgeous and I want to eat you all up.'

'Dad hired a Mercedes so we could all fit in.' Dan informed her. 'He let me choose it.'

'It's wonderful,' Julia assured him, feeling Josh's eyes on her, but unable for the moment to look at him.

Dan was still chattering,'... and Dad said that you and Shannon have to talk about girl things and stuff, so he's going to take me to the Eden Project, and then later he said we can go to a pub or do anything we like.' He spun round to Josh. 'Can we go now, Dad? Shall I get in the car?'

Julia looked at Josh, and seeing how drawn and tired he seemed, her heart twisted with the need to go to him now and tell him the good news.

'Go on then,' Josh responded, turning to greet Fen. He hugged her politely, and even managed a smile, but his pain was too close to the surface for him to hide it well. 'I promised to bring them,' he said to Julia, barely glancing at her. 'They needed to see you.'

She tried to connect with his eyes, but he turned away, looking for Shannon. Finding her behind him, he stepped aside to clear the path between her and Julia.

Then, as Julia looked at her daughter, whom she hadn't seen for over five weeks, she felt more emotions than she could ever express. How had she managed to go this long without her? It seemed inconceivable now, beyond enduring, for there had been a whole part of her missing, which she only realised as she gazed into Shannon's anxious blue eyes. 'Come here,' she said softly, and as she held out her arms Shannon ran into them and started to cry.

'Sssh, sssh,' Julia soothed, tears welling in her own eyes too, 'everything's going to be all right.'

'I'm sorry I ran away from you that day, and that I wouldn't let you come home,' Shannon sobbed. 'I want you to come now, please come now ...'

'I will, and you've got nothing to apologise for,' Julia told her. 'You're not to blame for anything.' Then, tightening her embrace, 'God, I've missed you.'

'I've missed you too. It's not the same without

you. Dad's always miserable, and I don't have anyone to talk to. Please Mum, say you'll come home. Please.'

Julia held her face between her hands and gazed down into her lovely, teary eyes. 'Of course I will,' she said softly.

Shannon clasped her arms around her again. 'Dad's taking Dan to the Eden Project so we can be on our own,' she said. 'I've got such a lot to tell you. So much has happened at school, with my friends and everything ...'

'I want to hear all about it,' Julia assured her, 'but just give me a moment with Dad before he goes, will you?'

Shannon drew back and wiped away her tears.

Julia looked at Josh, and, half-afraid he might resist her, she walked quickly over to where he was standing. Keeping her voice low so no-one else could hear, she said, 'I've just come from a doctor. I'm fifteen weeks along.'

His frown deepened, then deepened again as he took in what she was saying, but before he had a chance to respond Dan yelled, 'Come on, Dad! We'll miss it.'

Josh looked impossibly torn, and realising he was about to tell Dan the plans had changed, Julia said, 'Take him. We can talk later,' and after brushing a kiss to his cheek she turned back to Shannon.

As Josh got into the car his expression was showing none of the relief or pleasure she might have hoped for, if anything his mood seemed blacker than ever, but she reminded herself that the news had barely had a chance to register yet. Once it had, everything would be fine.

'Is Ottie home?' Shannon asked Fen as Josh and Dan drove away.

'She most certainly is,' Fen replied, 'I'm about to go riding with her, but we won't be long, so come on over whenever you're ready,' and with a quick wink in Julia's direction she got back into the car.

'So it looks like it's just you and me,' Julia said, smiling down into Shannon's upturned face. 'Do you want to go inside, or, it's a nice day, we can go for a walk?'

Shannon tilted her head as she thought. 'Walk,' she decided. 'Unless it gets too cold, but then we can always come back.'

A few minutes later, after wrapping up in puffa coats and Ugg boots, they strolled arm in arm around to the back of the house, and across the field to a stile in the giant hawthorn hedge that marked one of the boundaries between their land and the Bowers'. 'So what's all this you've got to tell me?' Julia asked, as they climbed over and began to wander along a wide muddy path towards the Bowers' orchard. 'I'm all ears.'

'Oh Mum, you will just die,' Shannon told her, as though no time at all had elapsed since they were last together. 'Gilly's managed to get us tickets to a Robbie Williams concert, and her uncle, who's a musician, or a technician or something, says he can get us in backstage to meet him. Just think. Mum, I'm going to meet Robbie Williams. Everyone is going to be like, so freaked out and jealous, but I don't care. They've all been so mean to me anyway, and they were horrible to Gilly when she had to drop out of the drama group, but

it wasn't her fault, and anyway, it serves them right that she's not taking them to Robbie's concert. You won't tell Dad though, will you, because if he knows I'm actually going to meet him, you know what he's like, he'll probably say I can't go.'

Julia was laughing. 'I don't think Dad will have too much of a problem with that,' she said, 'and actually, it's about time he came into the real world where you and the male species are concerned.'

'That's what I keep telling him,' Shannon cried, 'but he won't listen. I mean, I really love him and everything, but sometimes he makes me so mad. It's like he's in the Dark Ages. Anyway, I told him the other day that if he shows me up in front of my friends again I'll leave home. I don't mean it, but honestly Mum, you should have heard him. It was sooo embarrassing. The thing is, I think he's really stressed about you not being there, and Grandma Emma is driving us all nuts. She's very sweet and everything, but she can be a real pain too ...'

As she rambled on and on, getting everything off her chest, from complaints about her father and grandmother, to a detailed description of the new clothes she'd bought, to a baffling explanation of her friends' boyfriend problems, Julia smiled and listened and gazed around at the spectacular scenery that was unfolding in front of them. Her thoughts kept moving to Josh and what he might be doing now, how he was feeling and what would happen when he got back. She hadn't felt such a thrill of apprehension since she was Shannon's age, but it really should be all right now, shouldn't it? The fact that Rico had ever been in the picture

surely wasn't going to make a difference to how Josh felt about his own child.

'So it sounds as though you're pretty much on top of things,' she said, as they came to a stop at the brink of the hill and waved to Fen and Ottie who were galloping through the valley below.

'Oh yeah, I'm cool,' Shannon assured her. 'But I really, really want you to come home. It's just not the same without you. And I've got this secret that I can only tell you. Well, like, Gilly knows, but I have to tell you too.'

Julia's eyebrows went up. 'Come on then?' she prompted, already suspecting what it was from the way Shannon's eyes were shining.

'Well, there's this boy,' Shannon began, turning pink. 'I met him at Dad's gym. Dad doesn't know, because I was there with Gilly and her mum, but he's really nice, Mum. I mean, like he's really fit, and clever and things, and I think he likes me.'

Julia's eyes were sparkling as she said, 'So what's his name?'

'Hugh - and before you ask, he's sixteen, which is like, not too old for me, is it?'

'Absolutely not,' Julia confirmed. 'Have you been on a date yet?'

Shannon's blush deepened. 'Sort of,' she answered, peering out from under her lashes. 'I mean, we've like met at the gym, you know, when we arranged to be there, and we've texted a few times.'

'Then it all sounds fine to me. I'll look forward to meeting him.'

'Oh, you're the best,' Shannon cried, jumping up and down and throwing her arms around her.

'I knew you'd be cool about it. I just knew it, and I need you to tell me what to say when I text him and things, so I don't seem too keen, because that really puts boys off, doesn't it?'

Smiling, Julia hugged her back, and resting a cheek on her head she said, 'I'm happy to talk about Hugh as long as you like, but we're avoiding what happened before you left, darling. Do you want to discuss it, or not yet?'

As Shannon drew back her embarrassment was evident. 'It's all, like, in the past now,' she said, looking away.

'OK,' Julia responded, aware that it wasn't, but knowing better than to force it. 'Just as long as you understand that it wasn't done to hurt you - or Dad.'

Shannon nodded, and kept her eyes averted.

Julia waited, understanding that she wasn't quite ready to let it go after all.

'Then why did you do it?' Shannon finally asked. 'I mean, I thought you loved Dad ...'

'I do, very much,' Julia said warmly. 'And I don't ever want you to doubt that. Not ever. OK?'

Shannon nodded, but her eyes were full of uncertainty.

'What happened with Rico had nothing to do with how I feel about Dad,' Julia said firmly. 'When you're older, and you've had a little more experience of the world, you'll have a better understanding of what I'm saying, but sometimes we feel ourselves being driven to do things we wouldn't normally do. It can happen for all sorts of reasons, because you're feeling sad, or happy, or let down, or afraid ...'

'So you didn't really like Rico?'

Understanding that Shannon needed this to be put simple but knowing she was old enough to accept some of the complexity in spite of her reluctance. Julia said, 'Yes, I liked him, it wouldn't have happened if I didn't, but feeling an attraction to someone is very different to loving them, the way I love Dad.'

'But what would you do if Dad found someone else attractive? You wouldn't like it, would you?'

'No, of course not, but I know that sometimes he does find other women attractive ...'

'He doesn't have sex with them though.'

'No, he doesn't,' Julia said, knowing that to tell her about Sylvia wouldn't help at all, 'but that's not to say he hasn't wanted to, because sometimes we experience very overpowering feelings for someone else, that aren't always easy to explain or even keep under control. They just happen, and ...'

'Do you mean, like chemistry?' Julia smiled. 'That's exactly what I mean, and if you're in the kind of vulnerable state I was at the time it happened with Rico - try to remember I was grieving for my father, and things weren't going so well with Dad - then those feelings can take on a much greater sense of immediacy, and become a lot harder to resist.'

Shannon's eyes went down as she considered what she was being told. 'You don't still want to be with him though, do you?' she said. 'Grandma Emma says you do, but...'

'Then you mustn't listen to Grandma Emma,' Julia said, making a mental note to take this up

with her mother-in-law at a later date, 'because she's not telling you the truth, and that's another lesson you'll learn one day, about people who interfere, but we won't go there now. God, she's such an old bag,' she muttered, unable to stop herself.