The Mill House (55 page)

delivery of the bed, then I'll call tomorrow when I'm on my way.'

As Josh put the phone down to Julia he turned to find his mother glowering at him across the kitchen.

'So what did she say this time?' she demanded, wrenching open the dishwasher and starting to unload.

'She's coming tomorrow,' he answered. 'Hah, and you believe her? How many times has she ...' 'Leave it, Mother.' 'I'm just pointing out...' 'I know what you're doing, and I don't need it, OK? She's been through a difficult time lately ...' 'We all go through difficult times, Joshua, but our husbands and children generally come first. So I have to ask myself, just what kind of wife and mother is she, hiding herself away down there in Cornwall, like some injured rabbit? You pamper her, Josh. You let her get away with too much. I'm sorry, but she never was good enough for you, and now all this disgusting business with her family ...'

'It's hardly her fault,' he shot back. 'She's still one of them though.' 'She's one of this family too, and frankly, I don't appreciate you talking about her like this.'

'Well pardon me for speaking my mind,' she retorted, and pursing her lips she grabbed a tea towel to start polishing the glasses.

Rolling his eyes, he was about to return to his study when she said, 'If you ask me, she's got her

fancy man down there, that's why she's not coming back.'

Josh's face was pale as he turned round to glare at her, but though he'd have liked nothing better than to really let rip, they were still far too dependent on her for him to fall out with her now. 'That's got nothing to do with it,' he growled.

'So you say, but she keeps putting you off, and if it isn't him, then what is it, I'd like to know?'

'Why are you being so hard on her?' he demanded. 'You know damned well it was my own affair that pushed her ...'

'I don't want to go into that,' Emma snapped. 'If she'd been a proper wife to you, you'd never have ...'

'Don't make excuses for me,' he seethed. 'I've been down that road, and it doesn't change the fact that I'm responsible for what's happened ...'

'Whatever you did, Joshua, it wasn't done in front of your children, and nor have you left them.'

'She hasn't left them.'

'Then where is she? Tell me that.'

'You know very well ...'

'I'll tell you where she is. She's hiding, because she's too ashamed to face her own daughter, and she should feel ashamed. But once again she's left you to deal with it all, and look at you, you're exhausted, all this worrying about her, and the children, and all those clients you have. You need her support, not her problems.'

'Mother, everyone has problems sometimes, and we just have to deal with them. Julia's doing it her way, I'm doing it mine, and I'm sorry, but you're really not helping ...'

'Well, that's rich, isn't it, when I'm working my fingers to the bone, taking care of those children - not that I'm complaining, they're my grandchildren after all...'

'I wasn't talking about what you're doing in the house, I was meaning the way you're criticising Julia. She's my wife, and I happen to love her, so please, let's drop the subject, and tell me what I can do to help with the dinner.'

'I've got it all under control, thank you very much, but before you vanish back into your study, I think Dan would probably welcome a little of your time.' 'Where is he?' 'In his room.' 'And Shannon?'

'In hers. I don't know why they have to hide themselves away up there all the time. A big house like this, and they hardly venture out of their bedrooms. It's what comes of letting them have their own TVs and computers. Spoiled they are. And selfish. They must get it from their mother, because you were never like that.'

And I don't remember you ever being like this, he was thinking as he took himself off upstairs. However, he shouldn't be too hard on her, because she wasn't getting any younger, and a teenager with erratic hormones, an eleven-year-old with an unpredictable affliction, a son who was moody, unco-operative and working long hours, and a large house to look after, all added up to far too much for her to handle. He just wished she wouldn't come down so heavily on Julia, though something he'd learned over the years was that

women were much tougher on each other than they ever were on their men. He could even see it in Shannon, who'd been much less willing to forgive her mother than he suspected she would be to forgive him. However, she was certainly showing signs of relenting now, even though she wasn't coming right out and admitting it, but she didn't have to. He knew how close she was to her mother, and as much as he knew she loved him, he was under no illusion that he could ever fill Julia's place.

Finding Dan engrossed in The Simpsons, he sat and watched it with him for a while, until realising Dan was hardly even aware he was there, he left him to it and went to check on Shannon. For once there was no music or TV blaring from her room, so there was no problem about her hearing when he knocked.

'Who is it?' she called out.

'Me. Can I come in?'

She didn't answer, so taking it as permission, he opened the door to find her lying on her bed, flicking through a magazine.

'No homework?' he asked, going to sit next to her.

'Yeah, I'll finish it in a minute. I just needed a break.'

The nasal sound of her voice was enough to tell him she'd been crying, and a tilt down of the magazine to reveal her face confirmed it.

'Want a cuddle?' he offered.

She nodded, and scooted along the bed for him to lie down next to her.

'So what's upset you?' he asked, as she put her head on his shoulder.

'Nothing.'

He let it ride, knowing she didn't like to be pushed.

When finally she spoke again her voice was mangled by tears. 'I heard what Grandma said about Mum,' she said. 'Is it my fault she won't come home? I mean, because I saw ...'

'Sssh,' he said, cutting her off. 'No, it is not your fault, so don't think that for another minute, OK? Grandma doesn't know the half of it, and Mum's had some difficult issues to deal with lately.'

'But Grandma said she's down there with Rico, and I thought you said he wasn't there any more. Is she going to leave us, Dad?'

'No, no,' he soothed, wishing he felt as confident as he sounded, but even he was starting to question what was really happening down there now.

'I want her to come home.' 'I know, darling, and she will. She said she'll come tomorrow.'

'But she keeps saying that. So why doesn't she?' He sighed and hugged her closer. 'This isn't an easy time for her,' he said gently, 'so we need to be patient.'

Dan's voice sounded from outside the door. 'Shannon! Can I come in?'

'Only if you say the magic word,' she called back.

'Shannonisverybeautiful,' he responded. Josh laughed, which made Shannon splutter with laughter too. 'Can I come in now?' he shouted. 'All right.'

'Oh Dad!' he cried joyously, and diving straight onto the bed, he snuggled in under Josh's other arm.

For a while they heard all about The Simpsons and even managed to get caught up in it, until finally Shannon said, 'Maybe we need to go down there and get her, Dad.'

'You mean, get Mum?' Dan said, leaping right in on it. 'Yes, Dad, let's go and get Mum. Please. We can go tomorrow.'

Josh smiled. 'You've got school tomorrow, but I'll tell you what, if she's not home by the weekend, we'll definitely go and get her. Is that a deal?'

'Deal,' they echoed, and began a ludicrously clumsy process of high fives to seal it.

The following morning Julia was sitting on the edge of the bath, her head resting on the sink and buried in her arms as though to shield herself from the world outside. The phone rang in the kitchen, but she didn't get up to answer. Tilde came over, and called out, but still she didn't respond. She merely sat where she was, knowing she couldn't get up yet, because nothing in her was able to move. She needed time to adjust to the fact that there was no God, no angels, no father to make everything all right again, there was no anything, because she'd prayed and prayed and prayed, and now she knew for certain that no-one had been listening. The thin blue line had confirmed it. She was carrying Rico's child, and of all the things Josh could live with, or forgive, she knew with absolute certainty that this would never be one of them.

Chapter Twenty-One

Fen's expression was grim as she got out of her car and walked up the steps to the mill house. Having come straight from a morning in court she was wearing a dark suit under a warm sheepskin coat and knee-length leather boots, though from the look of the sky she was likely to need waterproofs later. As usual they were on the back seat of the car, which was where she'd left her briefcase and mobile phone too. She wasn't going to need either for the next half an hour, which, unfortunately, was all she could spare.

Letting herself into the kitchen she found Julia siting at the table, a look of near defeat on her face. After closing the door Fen took off her coat and boots, and went to sit down. The phone started to ring, but Julia let the call go through to the machine, and whoever it was didn't leave a message.

'You're absolutely certain?' Fen said, having received the one-word text - Positive - as she'd come out of court.

Julia nodded. 'You can see the test if you like. Both of them, because I did it twice. There's no room for doubt.'

Fen didn't query it any further, and since they'd spent the best part of the last few evenings discussing what Julia should do if the test did prove positive, all she could say now was, 'Are you any closer to making a decision?'

Julia shook her head, and stared down at her hands. 'For some reason, it seems harder now I know for certain,' she said.

Fen's eyes filled with sympathy as she looked at her.

'It's not that I'm particularly anti-abortion,' Julia went on, 'it just doesn't feel right in this case. I mean, it's not the baby's fault, is it? And it's not as though I'm unable to give it a life.'

'Are you really so sure that Josh won't accept it? I mean, once he gets used to the idea ...'

Julia sighed and covered her face with her hands. 'It'll just get worse,' she said. 'No, I wouldn't even want to ask him.'

Fen watched her as she got up and went to stare out of the French doors at the woods.

'It's as though the Fates are conspiring to end my marriage,' she said bleakly. 'We just seem to lurch from one crisis to the next, to the next. Well, I guess victory is theirs now. I can't beat this one.'

'You've come through a lot, and it hasn't changed the way you feel about each other,' Fen pointed out.

'This will,' Julia responded, then sighed again as she hugged her arms in close. 'I just don't know what to do. It'll mean losing Josh if I keep it...'

'Shouldn't you at least discuss it with him, give him the chance to speak for himself?'

'I've been married to him for a long time, I know this isn't something he can live with.'

'Well, you obviously don't want to end your marriage."

'Of course not, but is it fair to end an innocent baby's life because of my mistake?'

'It's not the only child you have to consider,' Fen gently reminded her.

Tears immediately burned in Julia's eyes as she thought of Shannon and what this pregnancy was likely to do to her, for she'd find it no easier to live with than Josh would. Only Dan was likely to be delighted by the prospect of a new brother or sister, until he found out Josh wasn't the father, and his mother wouldn't be coming home because of it. The effect on him could be disastrous, and heaven only knew what would happen about custody if she and Josh split up ...

'I can't take Shannon and Dan away from Josh,' she said quietly, 'and I don't want to be without them either.' The very idea of it stole through her so painfully that she couldn't continue.

'So would it be fair to sacrifice their happiness, and your own, for one little individual that's barely even human yet?' Fen said.

It was a question Julia had asked herself a thousand times these past few days, but she was still unable to answer it. 'Maybe it's because I'm a mother already that I can't bring myself to go through with it,' she said. 'If I'd been raped, or I knew there was something wrong with it, it might be different, but to do it to make my life easier...'

'But it's not just your life, is it? You have to consider Shannon and Dan, and Josh of course. They need you, and they're here. That has to be paramount.'

Having no words to argue that, Julia took a deep, shuddering breath and felt her heart fill with pain and love. 'So you're saying I should have a termination,' she said eventually.

Fen shook her head. 'The decision has to be yours, I'm just pointing out what you know already, and trying to help you get there.'

Julia nodded. Then turning to her, she said, 'What about Rico? He's your cousin, are you feeling he should have some say in this?'

'Maybe he should, I don't know,' Fen responded. 'Again the decision has to be yours. I won't be the one to tell him.' Then after a pause, 'But if you do decide to keep it, I'm sure he'll want to play a part. You know how he feels about you ...'