The (New and Improved) Loving Dominant (26 page)

When I set up for this scene, I try to avoid areas with strong drafts from fans or air conditioners. These either blow out the flame prematurely or cause it to burn in unexpected directions.

Obviously, you shouldn’t put the alcohol on mucus membranes or on the face. Also, some activities can make areas super sensitive. Once, after a spanking, I went to do a little fireplay on Libby’s ass. No sooner than I had touched her with the applicator, she safeworded. She thought I had ignited it and let it burn, but it was simply the effect of putting alcohol on skin that had been a bit abraded.

Also, as with candles, you should be careful that the flame does not burn anywhere where there is something above it. For example, do not allow it to run under a breast where the flame will be burning upward against the skin. The vapor barrier works only when it is below the active flame.

As I’ve noted before, if you get careless about making up the mixture or using the technique, you can cause a first- degree burn. This is where a bowl of ice cubes like those used in waxing scenes comes in handy. First aid for minor burns is covered in the first aid section.

One effect of the flaming-skin technique is that it will effectively burn off body hair because hairs stick up into the active flame area. Because I have a sensitive nose, I avoid areas where much hair will be cremated, but I know some, particularly female dominants, who use this odor as an effective intimidation tool. Of course, this technique can be used to remove body hair before a waxing session.

Suggested Reading

Flames of Passion: Handbook of Erotic Fire Play,
David Walker & Robert J. Rubel, Power Exchange Books

Humiliation

Nowhere is the difference between the psychologies of male and female submissives so markedly different as on the subject of humiliation. While any generalization is suspect, and I am scarcely an expert on all submissives, the gender differences I have observed are much too consistent to ignore.

The majority of male submissives seem to crave some degree of humiliation as part of their servitude. Sometimes, this craving is for extremely intense humiliation. The vast majority of female submissives, even those who seek out intense physical stimulation, seem turned off by humiliation. This, of course, does not mean that all women reject humiliation as part of a scene. I have met a few whose cravings are as fully intense as those of any man. However, this is an activity which a male dominant should approach with caution.

A quite handsome English gentleman came to the TES meeting one night. He was middle-aged, with a ramrod straight posture and a neatly trimmed thin moustache. It was quite clear that he was making a most positive impression on the ladies, particularly the unattached submissive ladies.

However, later, during a general discussion among members and visitors about their needs and desires, he said that what he enjoyed most was humiliating a woman. While condemnation and criticism of another’s orientation is unthinkable in that environment and no one moved an inch after he had said it, I got the definite impression that a vast gulf had opened up between him and the women who, until he made that comment, had been hanging on his every word. Later, one submissive woman commented, “Damn, up to then, he was turning me on.”

Male submissives often have a very different outlook. At another meeting, a submissive man recounted, before a rapt and admiring audience of other male submissives, how his girlfriend had lured him into the woods with the promise of sex. Then she made him strip, rolled him in mud, urinated on him and left him naked and bound.

Part of the answer to this difference may be that an essence of BDSM is contrast. Consider that the only women I have ever found deeply attracted to this role were strong, intelligent and forceful. Many say it is precisely the surrender of control that is so seductive.

Taking it from this point of view, you can see why humiliation is not attractive to most women. It offers little contrast between many women’s daily lives and the scene. They find they are served a full daily diet of humiliation by our society. They hardly need to seek more.

Men, on the other hand, are largely shielded from humiliation and, when they experience it, they are permitted by society to strike back in a physical manner. To experience humiliation in a controlled environment is a novel and exotic experience.

Another explanation for the love of many male submissives for humiliation was put forward by Michele, a lovely and intellectually dynamic female submissive. Her suggestion was that because men are dominant and controlling, they are unable to tell whether a women desires them for their power or for themselves. If a woman strips them of their power, their dignity and self-respect and still cares for them they are reassured of their essential worth.

A submissive man explained his love for humiliation by citing the Woody Allenism that sex feels dirty only if you are doing it right. “I guess that I feel a bit of shame at my submissive tendencies,” he said. “Humiliation plays on this, magnifying it and making it more intense, more ’forbidden’ and, therefore, more desirable.”

To further confuse the issue, humiliation is quite different from erotic embarrassment. Quite a large number of submissives of both sexes are turned on by embarrassment. To me, the primary difference between humiliation and embarrassment is how the activity causes the submissive to feel about himself or herself. Humiliation degrades and causes the person to feel that he or she is less valued and treasured, while embarrassment can bring out a greater sense of self-worth.

Here is an illustration quite separate from the scene itself. Imagine you are at a formal dinner and the speaker says several complimentary things about you then asks you to come up and say a few words. You might be embarrassed by the activity, but it would make you feel that you were valued. Then, as you walk to the rostrum, the speaker steps forward and pulls your pants down, and the audience laughs. That is humiliation. There is no gain or advancement there.

Early in the 1990s, there was a Best Submissive contest at Manray, a local BDSM club. I entered Libby, one of my submissives, in it. She was embarrassed as I led her to the stage, but she was also turned on that I thought enough of her to enter. She was also flattered by the attention of the audience. However, one uncouth type called out during the whipping, “Hit her harder.” I spun and snapped my whip within inches of his face. He shut up. His cry humiliated her, and I would not stand for it.

In short, embarrassment is what happens when you force sub-missives to do what they would like to do anyway if society and their own inhibitions would let them. Humiliation originates and is imposed from outside.

As with many psychological aspects of the scene, humiliation can hurt more than any whip. Also, the level of discomfort seems to build at a geometric, rather than an additive rate. For this reason, I strongly suggest to my submissive that, as soon as the humiliation seems to be building to an intolerable point, she should use her safe- word. Macho shit on the part of the submissive can do more lasting damage in this kind of scene than in any other.

Another factor to consider is that humiliation often occurs in a public place. I am of mixed feelings about these scenes. They seem to be a terrific turn-on for those who enjoy them, and in a place like The Vault where everyone knows what is going on, there is no problem. However, an axiom of the scene is consent — consent by everyone in the scene. A woman walking her five-year old in a public park did not give her consent to be confronted by a half-naked man being led by a chain.

I’m not excluding the public venue. However, I am asking that you think carefully before forcing members of the public to be part of your scene. Spencer’s M greatly enjoys public bondage. I have taken her for walks in Central Park with her hands tied behind her back, but the ropes were hidden by an artfully draped coat. Another time, her master displayed her at The Renaissance Faire in chain bondage.

However, both of them were in period costume, and she was presented as a witch on the way to the stake. In each case, the public was used, not abused.

There are many techniques for humiliation. Because this activity is an almost exclusively male penchant, I will use the masculine pronoun from here on in.

Forced cross-dressing is a potent tool. The incongruity of a male form in female clothing is often enough. However, when the clothes in question are particularly frilly or feminine, the effect is quite marked. Perhaps the height of this approach is to force him to wear negligee or outlandishly erotic garments. The inherent instability of a man in high heels and a French maid costume is a subtle but effective means of bondage.

Other humiliating attire is baby clothing. Several manufacturers have lines of oversized diapers and other items intended for the “middle-aged” baby. Forbidding the use of toilets because the baby is too young for them, and requiring him to use the diaper, augments the indignity.

Men have filled the English vocabulary with insulting terms for women. It is completely appropriate to use these terms on the “horny slut” who grovels at your feet. However, don’t neglect the animal kingdom in your search for the appropriate term.

As cleaning has largely been the work of women, putting him to work, especially in appropriate clothing, can be an effective humiliation. There is no need to make his work easy. Toothbrushes do a better, if slower, job than scrub brushes, and mildew is best removed with a Q-tip and toothpick.

A dominant friend has a toilet brush that has been reshaped to be held in the clenched teeth. As she puts it, “This brush puts him close to his work.” She also rewarded a submissive who had been cleaning her bathroom for several hours with a beating. She explained that he had missed something. When he returned to his labors, he discovered that she had shit in the middle of the floor.

Food can be a source for humiliation. Obviously, baby bottles and formula can be used, and as formula often causes diarrhea in adults, this will lead to more productive use of the diaper. However, the consumption of almost any food stuff without use of the hands can be humiliating, particularly if a firm grasp on the hair is used to “assist” the process.

I had one of those rare female submissives who desired humiliation. Her specific scene was to treat her like a dog. To this end, I had her name placed on a dog dish. She thought it was just a bit of scene setting until I emptied a can of dog food into it and commanded her to eat. Later, she admitted that she had come within a hair’s breadth of her breaking point.

While real dog food is perfectly safe to eat occasionally, as some elderly people on a fixed income have discovered, I had cleaned out the can without her knowledge and replaced the contents with beef stew. She remained unaware of the substitution throughout the scene.

There is something powerfully evocative about the foot. Foot play can be an important part of a humiliation session. Simply having the submissive remove your shoes and get down on all fours so you can use him as a hassock is a good way to begin. While you are comfortably reclined, you can consider other activities.

If your feet are not perfect, it is the submissive’s fault, and he should rectify the situation. Set him to work washing your feet (you may specify tongue or a soft cloth, or both), then clipping, smoothing and painting your nails. Foot massage feels heavenly and any slacking or carelessness should be punished.

A perfect position for all of this is to have him lie on his back with his feet and legs under your chair. His cock and balls should be directly under the front edge of the chair. With him in this position, you can knead his cock with one foot while extending the other for his loving attention.

Many men and a number of women love to be trampled or walked upon with bare feet or shoes. A word of warning here: this can be risky for the dominant as well as the submissive. A human body is hardly the firmest of surfaces, and the trampler faces the risk of a bad fall. Sailors used to have a saying, “One hand for the company and one hand for yourself.” For tramplers, it could well be “Two feet for your partner and one hand for yourself.” Always have a firm handhold when you go for a flesh-based walk. Be sensible in your choice of footwear. Stilettos are lovely to look at and lick, but when you have both feet on someone’s back, you may think you have all your weight on the sole of the toebox – but it only takes a moment’s loss of attention to transfer it back onto the heel, with potentially disastrous results.

A one-footed trample is a bit safer than using both feet for both the trampler and the tramplee. It also allows you to have more of the body to play with since most of the human body just isn’t meant to support another person standing on it. With one foot, you can trap a wrist or press firmly on the genitals. One female dominant I know loves to order men to stick their tongues out and carefully positions her stiletto heel on the tongue and gently presses down.

Food can be combined with feet for further humiliation. A bit of food on the foot can be offered to the submissive, and he can be required to lick it off. For more intense humiliation, you can grind your feet into the food before offering it to him. If you leave dirty footprints on the floor, so much the better. He can clean them too.

Too often, submissives from whom we demand oral services become overly enamored of what they see as a power to give pleasure. This attitude should be carefully guarded against. Prior to her initial submission, the editor of a well-respected magazine expressed a certain interest in humiliation and, also, said she had a justified pride in her skill at fellatio. Early in the scene that followed, I reclined in a chair and directed her to demonstrate her vaunted oral skills.

Her expression of nonchalant confidence vanished when, after she had made only a few tentative licks, I put my foot on her shoulder and pushed her backwards to the floor. “You are careless and clumsy,” I shouted. “You don’t deserve my cock. Here, practice on this,” I said, extending my foot. After a few minutes, I let her, chastened and contrite, return to her original task. Later, she admitted that it was one of her most exciting experiences, precisely because it was so unexpected.