The New Male Sexuality (55 page)

If you’re having a sex problem of any kind, it’s probable that you are helping to maintain that problem by the activity of your mind. Such negative thinking makes it difficult for the problem to fix itself and for therapy or self-help materials to work.

You need to get your mind out of your way and on your side. Put differently, you need to think more positively. A negative thought (or image) is anything that leads to negative or bad results for you. A positive thought (or image) is anything that leads to better feelings and helps you do what you want. More positive and helpful thoughts, and fewer negative thoughts, is what you need.

It’s crucial to understand that what’s important are the effects of telling yourself certain things or having certain images. Whether or not these ideas and images are true is entirely beside the point. People tend to say, “That’s not negative thinking, that’s reality!” My response is that
it doesn’t make any difference if it’s true or not; what counts is the effect it has on you
.

In 1989, as he approached the last day of the Tour de France, the world’s most prestigious bicycle race, American cyclist Greg LeMond knew he had to accomplish something that most experts considered impossible. He was fifty seconds behind and would have to make up more than that on a very short ride. LeMond didn’t deny the difficulty of the task; he simply didn’t bother with it. Focusing on how difficult the task was would only make him feel bad. Instead, he focused on riding the race of his life. He would focus only on his position on the bike and his pedaling technique, and what would be would be. Greg LeMond won the race by eight seconds, the closest Tour ever run.

I’m not suggesting you deny reality—facts must be faced—but only that
you don’t dwell on its depressing and discouraging aspects. Focus instead on the positive aspects of the situation—things that make you feel good, increase your confidence, maintain your ability to think clearly and to take appropriate action—or get away from all evaluations, whether positive or negative, and simply focus on the task at hand. That’s what positive thinking is all about, and it’s what Greg LeMond did so well in the Tour de France.

There are several questions you can use to judge what’s going on in your head. All of them have to do with how helpful or unhelpful the idea or picture is. I’ll use a made-up example to illustrate the use of the questions. The example goes like this: You have the smallest penis in the world. Scientific measurements demonstrate that no one anywhere has a smaller penis than you. To make the example more interesting, let’s throw in two more things. One is true, that medical science has no way of providing you with a larger penis. The second is made up, that no woman in the world could have an orgasm in intercourse with your little penis. When you find yourself thinking about your penis, ask yourself these questions:

1
.
Does this thought or image make me feel better?
If telling yourself that you have the smallest penis in the world makes you feel bad, as it almost certainly will, it’s not helping you. Without denying the size of your organ, you need to move on. Focus on the assets you have that make you a desirable lover—for example, your genuine liking of women and sex, your sensitivity to the feelings and desires of others, your ability to listen and learn, your ability to satisfy women with your hands and mouth. Focusing on these matters will make you feel better.

2. Does this thought or image help me behave the way I want?
If telling yourself that you have a small penis makes you fearful of approaching women for sex, or even of dating, it’s not helpful. It’s preventing you from behaving the way you want.

3. Does this thought or image help me think productively about the situation?
If telling yourself you have a small penis puts you in a funk where you can’t think productively, it’s not helping you. Negative thoughts often have the effect of stopping all constructive thinking.

4. Does the thought or image reinforce positive images I have about myself?
If focusing on your small penis reinforces a larger, more destructive idea—for example, that no one will want to have sex with you or that you’ll never have a relationship—it’s not helpful.

5. Does the thought or image improve my relationship?
If imagining
your partner joking with her friends about your small penis makes you want to get back at her or withdraw, it’s not helpful to your relationship. You need to change the idea or image to help you feel better about the relationship.

No matter what your problem or situation, there are always two ways to go with it. The negative way leads to discouragement, despair, and self-hate. The more positive way leads to useful thinking, good feelings, and solutions.

Some people think the idea of positive thinking is simpleminded and a denial of reality. To be sure, some advocates of positive thinking are simpleminded and do deny reality. But what I’m suggesting is something different. If your sex life is boring, if your ejaculations are very quick, if you and your partner don’t agree on how often or what kind of sex to have—if any of these things are true, they are facts and need to be acknowledged. But acknowledging something does not mean dwelling on it; you need to move on. Just because your penis hasn’t been working lately doesn’t mean it will never work. You can make changes.

Changing the thoughts and pictures in your head isn’t difficult in principle. You simply argue with and change unhelpful thoughts when they occur to make them more positive and constructive, and show yourself positive images as often as possible. I said this process isn’t difficult in principle, and it isn’t, but there is a catch: It requires consistent effort over a period of time. We’re not talking about changing a negative thought to a positive one once or twice or even a hundred times. We’re talking about doing this dozens of times a day, every day, for months. It’s simply a matter of repetition and perseverance. There are no brilliant insights to be had and no magical shortcuts. It’s by sheer repetition that you change your negative ways to more positive ones.

Consider if you’ve ever made any of these comments to yourself:

My penis is too small.

I’m not a good lover.

Other men are better at sex than I.

I don’t know how to satisfy my partner [or women in general].

Sue and I will never have an exciting sex life.

I’ll never overcome this problem.

If you’ve said one or more of these things to yourself every now and then, it probably doesn’t mean much. But if you habitually tell yourself
things like this, you’re going to feel bad about yourself sexually. And that needs to be changed.

The following exercise will help you get started.

EXERCISE 19-1: TRACKING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

For the next week or two, carry a small notebook or some index cards in your shirt or jacket pocket wherever you go. Whenever you’re aware of having a negative or unhelpful sexual thought or image, jot it down. Obviously, there will be times when you’re aware of something but can’t write it down; this may happen when you’re with others or when you’re driving. Jot it down later if you still remember
.

If you’re unsure if a thought or image is negative or not, use the five questions
this page
, to help you decide
.

At the end of a week or two, go over all your negative self-statements and pictures. These are the things that you need to change that we’ll get to in the next exercise
.

Here is what one man who had erection problems wrote in his notebook on one day:

I’m a failure in sex.

An image of not getting it up and a woman making fun of me.

My dick is defective.

Sex just isn’t my thing.

Recalling Marge [his wife] saying I wasn’t a real man.

I wish sex didn’t exist.

An image of Marge passionately fucking another man and afterward telling me that I’m just a limp dick.

These thoughts and pictures are enough to depress anyone. Constantly replaying them is a great example of awfulizing and catastrophizing. It will make you feel terrible, as with this man, and will probably doom any efforts to solve the problem. You have to change such thoughts.

How can you change self-statements? Just change them. Here are some examples. The self-statement comes first. The italicized response that follows is an example of what you could say to yourself. My comments are in brackets. You don’t need to use my words exactly, but do something to make those statements more positive.

My penis is too small.
Hey, wait a minute. I measured it and it’s the usual six inches, about what most other guys have. It’s big enough to give pleasure to me and to Marge
. [If it’s true that you really do have a small erect penis, then you need to acknowledge that fact but then focus on your strengths, like this:
Okay, so my penis is on the small side, but it’s also true that my fingers and tongue are very sensitive and have given orgasms to many women. And don’t forget that Kit and Wendy didn’t have any problems having orgasms in intercourse with me
.]

I’m not a good lover.
Let’s change that. It’s true I’ve been having some problems keeping an erection, but other than that I’m a good lover. Marge frequently mentions how sensitive I am to her needs. I’m going to take care of the erection problem by using this book and I’ll be even better
. [This man isn’t lying to himself. He acknowledges the problem, then commits himself to changing it. If, on the other hand, the man had reason to believe that he really wasn’t a good lover—maybe his partner had said something to that effect—then he would want to say something like this to himself:
I have more to deal with than just the erection problem. Marge has commented that I don’t seem to be aware of where she is or what she needs. I think that’s because I’m so focused on how my cock is doing that I forget about her. Okay, I have two things to work on. And work on them I will. First I need to pay more attention to Marge. If I do, she’ll probably become less critical and that will help take some pressure off of me to get hard. But I also need to start working on getting my penis to function better
.]

Image of Marge passionately fucking another man.
That hurts, but it’s my fantasy, not Marge’s. She’d like to fuck like that, but with me, not someone else. I’m going to get some help to make that possible. And right now I’m going to do that movie again, but this time with me and Marge going at it
. [This is a simple technique where you take a negative image and make a more positive one of it. In this case, he runs a series of images, a movie, in his mind of him and Marge making passionate love. Then he tells himself:
That’s how it will be
.]

EXERCISE 19-2: CHANGING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

This exercise is based on the results of
Exercise 19-1
. Now the task is to take issue with and change your negative sexual thoughts and images into more positive
ones, as in the examples above. Whenever you are aware of having a negative thought or image, make the positive changes. If you’re too busy at the moment, come back to it later when you have time. It might be hours or even a day later. That’s fine. For example: “When driving home yesterday I kept telling myself Marge and I would never work this out. That comes out of my despair, but I don’t think it’s true. We’re going to do the exercises in this book and we’re going to make it better.”

The words and images you use must be acceptable and believable
.
Some men have no problem saying “I will be a great lover” or “I will overcome this problem.” For other men, however, such statements are too strong. They might do better with “I will be a better lover” or “I’m working on this issue.” Use the kinds of words and pictures that work best for you
.

Even with acceptable and believable statements, it takes a while, usually months, for them to really sink in. Of course, the more often you talk positively to yourself and the more often you combat negative thoughts and images, the sooner the positive ideas will sink in
.

Do this exercise as frequently as possible for as long as necessary, which may well be months, until it becomes your natural way of using your mind
.

The previous exercise involves modifying negative thoughts and images of yourself. The next is not dependent on responding to negative mental activity, but simply involves having more positive thoughts and images.

EXERCISE 19-3: HAVING MORE POSITIVE SEXUAL THOUGHTS AND PICTURES

Several times a day, take a moment or two to say something positive to yourself about sex and to show yourself a positive picture (or two, or more). You’ll be more likely to continue doing this if you do it at regular times—as soon as you are awake, while brushing your teeth or shaving, or when you get into the shower or sit down on the bus
.

Exactly what to say and what images to have are up to you, as long as they’re positive. Some examples:

Imagining yourself having long-lasting intercourse (if you’ve been having problems with ejaculatory control or erections)
.