The Protector (48 page)

My eyes were closed now and I heard the squelch of the radio, “Officer down, officer down, Diablo Baseball Park.”

“Jack?” I managed to spit out. I opened my mouth but quickly shut it as the radio came alive again and the words radiated through my body.  “Two down and dead.”

“Shut that fucking thing off,” I heard Noor scream and hug me tighter to her.  My body went limp as I registered the meaning behind the words.  My head began to spin and nausea set in.  I looked up into Noor’s eyes and tears were in them.  I followed her gaze to Joed who sat next to me too. Shock registered on his face as he absorbed all that had just happened. 

Time moved in slow motion after that.  We ended up at some office building in an underground parking garage. I felt unsure of my footing as Noor and Joed accompanied me upstairs to a conference room.  There Noor tried desperately to get me to drink something, anything. But I couldn’t.  I sat there in shock replaying all that had happened in my head.  Noor never left my side.  She held me and tried to talk to me and tell me it was all going to be ok. But the words only went in one ear and out the other.

Sometime later, I heard the door open and heard a man talking to Noor. I didn’t even try to listen to their whispers but I recognized the voice as Joed’s.  He walked up to me and pulled me up out of the chair I was sitting in.  I looked into his eyes and tried desperately to hold back the tears.

“Alison, I am sorry, but I need the processor.”    I looked away from him and noticed a few other men standing in the room, I didn’t know who they were but they knew Joed.  I wasn’t sure how I managed to do it, but I walked to my backpack and reached in for a small box that Jack had slipped into it the night before.  I felt around and found two boxes and pulled both of them out.  I handed Joed the one I was sure had the processor in it. “It’s in there.”

“Thank you Alison.”  I smiled weakly as the tears began to stream down my face once again.  Joed reached down and kissed me on the cheek.  “I will miss you beautiful one.”  He moved in closer to my face and whispered softly into my ear, “No matter what he said to you in that car, he loved you Alison, more than you can ever realize.”  A sweet smile appeared across his face as he looked down at the other box in my hand.  “Open it.”

My hands shook uncontrollably as I opened the box.  Lying gently on a swatch of white cotton, sat a gold cross with thorns wrapped around it.  It resembled his tattoo in every detail. How he managed to have it made in such a short time frame was beyond me. Joed took it out of my hand and gently placed it around the nape of my neck.   Joed turned me around and guided me back to the chair I had been sitting on.

Noor had left the room and I watched as Joed turned and walked out as well. I was left alone in the dark gray conference room.  I grabbed the cross around my neck and held it in my hand hard. I knew once I pulled my hand away there would be an imprint of it left on my palm.  The tears came freely once again.   The blinds that covered the glass window were closed and I appreciated the fact that no one could see me as I let go of the pain.  I buried my head in my hands and fell to my knees on the floor.  Sobs didn’t come just endless hot tears.  My chest was getting tight but I didn’t care. I didn’t care if I had an asthma attack and the world ended around me.

I didn’t realize anyone had come back into the room until I felt strong hands pulling me off the floor.  They were the hands of a man that much I knew but I knew they weren’t Joed’s. 

“Alison?”  My heart began to beat rapidly as the voice reverberated through my head. I refused to look up as it seemed so much like a dream, an alternate reality.  If it was a dream, then when I opened my eyes, I would turn and find Jack holding me.  I kept my eyes closed as the hands pulled me to a standing position. I clenched them tighter as I heard him call my name again.

“Please look at me?”  I finally opened my eyes and in front of me stood Seth. His shirt was bloodied and a stabbing pain attacked my chest as I knew whose blood it was.

“Jack?”  I had to ask.

“Alison,” Seth whispered quietly.  “Jack’s gone.”

I struggled to break free of his grasp but he had his fingers wrapped tightly on my wrists.  “Alison, stop. Please.”

“I want to see him Seth!” I managed to say without looking at him. I really didn’t want to see him but it was the only thing I could think of saying.  I wanted confirmation he was really gone.  But I would have to settle for Seth’s words.

“No.  I won’t let you and Jack wouldn’t have wanted you to see him.” 

I watched as Noor walked into the room again.  “The car’s waiting Seth.”

“Alison, it’s time to get you back to the hotel.” 

29
Numb

             
I was numb. My body ached all over and the tears continued to fall. Seth said little to me as he helped me from the car, into the hotel and up to the room Jack and I had shared the night before.  My chest was heavy with anguish as Seth opened the door to our room. 
             
“Do you want to stay someplace else Alison,” he asked quietly as we walked in.  Jack’s suitcase was on the chair by the bed.  His sweatshirt and Yankees cap still sat on the table. 

I nodded. I couldn’t bear to leave this place right now.  I walked slowly over to the baseball cap and picked it up in my arms.  The tears began to flow down my face uncontrollably.  The sobs welling up in my chest came crashing around me as I picked up the cap and sweatshirt and held it close to my chest. 

I could hear Seth talking to someone quietly but I ignored the whispers.  I was sure they didn’t want me to hear anyway.  I slowly turned and walked to the bed we had slept in the night before and sat down.  I said nothing as the tears fell from my eyes.  I held tightly to both the hat and the sweatshirt. Nothing, no one was going to force me to give these items up. 

I closed my eyes, but quickly opened them as the vision of Jack covered in blood replayed in my head.  My ears were still ringing and my head throbbing. I felt the bed move as Seth took a seat next to me. I felt his arm wrap around me and he pulled me close to him.

“Alison?” I turned and looked up into the blonde man’s blue eyes. I stared blankly and wished that the eyes I was looking into were Jack’s.  “Noor is going to come and stay here tonight and I will be here in the living room.”  I nodded my head in acknowledgement. I knew that if I opened my mouth banshee wails would come howling out. 

“It’s over Alison. It’s all over.”  Once again I only nodded my head in acknowledgement.  I heard a knock at the door and felt as Seth got up to answer it.  The voice that came through the door was one I had heard many times recently – Noor’s.  As much as I hated to admit it, I was so glad to hear her voice.  She took Seth’s place next to me on the bed and hugged me tight to her.

“Alison, I ordered you some tea.  When it comes, I want you to drink it. Ok?”  Like Seth a nod was all she was going to get.  I suddenly felt the need to take a hot steaming shower. I had a theory that if I took a hot shower the day’s events would wash off of me and wake me from the horrific dream I was in. 

I turned and looked at Noor.  Her eyes were red too.  “I want to take a shower.”  She nodded and stood with me. I handed her Jack’s baseball cap and sweatshirt and walked over to my suitcase first and gathered a few of my things. I then walked over to Jack’s and grabbed a pair of his sweats and a t shirt from his belongings.  I put them up to my face and took a strong sniff of the items.  I turned and looked at Noor who was now standing close to Seth.  I nodded my head, “I’ll be ok.”

“We know Alison,” Noor tried desperately to smile.  It’s then that I noticed Seth’s eyes were red as well.  I felt so stupid standing there in shock over the death of a man I knew no more than a month. And here were two people who had known him for years and they were taking care of me in my grief.   The thought of their grief overwhelmed me and I could feel another sob creep slowly up from the pit of my stomach.  I pointed to the bathroom and turned to walk into the large marble laden room. I shut the door and dropped everything on the floor.  I looked around and saw his shaving kit on the sink. 

I walked over and turned on the shower.  I could feel the steam almost instantly.  I slowly undressed and threw my clothes across the room.  These were clothes I never wanted to see again. Clothes Jack had given me but clothes tainted by the
day’s
events.  I could hear rustling in the room outside the bathroom door.  I stepped into the shower, shut the door and let the steam envelop me.  The sob I had been holding since we left Jack’s body quickly came up and I screamed as I remembered his face, his hands, his body.  The grief, which had held me together earlier now tore me apart. My chest heaved with horrific sobs. If Seth and Noor heard me, they didn’t try to come into the bathroom to check on me. They left me alone and I was grateful.

The hot water stung against my bare skin, but I didn’t care. I cared about nothing at that moment; nothing but the fact that Jack was not in my life any longer. I selfishly cried at the fact he would no longer hold me in his arms or kiss the top of my head, like he had done a hundred times since we met.  I wouldn’t hear his voice tell me how intoxicating I was to him. I leaned against the shower wall and slowly sunk to the floor of the shower and closed my eyes as the water fell on me and all around me.

I didn’t’ know how much time had passed but I heard a gentle knock at the door and saw Noor enter the bathroom. “Alison?”  She walked closer to the shower but didn’t open the door. “Alison, answer me please.” 

“I’m ok. I’ll be out in a minute.“ I slowly got up from the shower floor and stood to turn off the water.  The sobs had stopped coming a
while ago, I wasn’t sure when. But for now I was done crying. I opened the door and Noor handed me a towel. 

“Your tea is here and Seth has something for you.”

“Thank you.”  Noor turned and walked out of the bathroom, softly closing the door behind her. I dried off my body and put Jack’s sweats and t-shirt on. I didn’t bother to run a brush through my tangled wet hair. I didn’t even bother to pick up my clothes or anything else off the floor.

I opened the bathroom door to find both Seth and Noor sitting on the couch in the sitting area.  A tray of tea sat in front of them. I could smell the soothing chamomile scent from where I stood.  They both looked at me eyes full of concern.  On the chair next to Seth sat Jack’s sweatshirt and Yankees cap. I walked over and picked them up from the chair and sat down. I pulled my legs underneath me and hugged the sweatshirt close to my chest. 

Noor tried to hand me one of the cups of tea and all I could do was nod no. I didn’t want it right then. “I will drink it in a bit,” Noor put it back down on the tray without a word.

Seth took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. He wanted to say something to me but I didn’t know what.  I remembered that he too had lost someone very dear to him. They had served in Iraq together and joined the agency together.  Seth was there when Jack married Paige and he was there when she died.  And today he was there when Jack lost his life.   He opened his mouth but words did not come out. He turned and looked at Noor sitting beside him.   I saw grief in his eyes and I saw grief in hers. 

“As hard as this is going to be, Alison, You have to go on with your life. It’s what Jack would want.” Noors words were true, but my thoughts would not go past the moment at hand.   I watched as Noor’s eyes bore down on Seth’s. She wanted desperately to say something to him but she didn’t. Their eyes spoke for them.

Seth nodded his head in acknowledgement and took the white envelope he had been holding since I walked out of the bathroom and handed it to me. “Jack asked me to give this to you if anything happened to him.” He handed me the envelope and looked at me sincerely.  He moved from his place on the couch and kneeled beside the chair I sat in.  “In the many years I knew the man, I had never seen him like he was when he was with you.  You did something to him, made him feel alive.  I know he loves you Alison.  He will always love you. More than you could ever imagine. Please remember that.“  Seth touched my hand and stood.  “We are going to leave you alone for just a bit.  We will be in the room next door, all you have to do is open the door ok?”

I nodded and turned the letter over and over in my hands.  Both Seth and Noor stood up and walked to the door that led to the sitting room. “Thank you!” I managed to get out before they shut the door behind them.

I looked at the envelope. I recognized the writing as Jack’s illegible scrawl and slowly ripped the envelope open and took the letter out. His handwriting popped off the page and I took a deep breath before I began to read it. I needed to muster up the courage to read it and that wasn’t going to be easy.  I sat there for a few minutes with the letter in my lap. Tears were welling up in my eyes once again, but they weren’t the crazy sobs of earlier. I lifted the letter and began to read. I could hear his voice, as if he were reading the letter to me.

Sonny,