The Protector (46 page)

“It seemed as good a place as any Eric. I am sorry. I know now it wasn’t the right thing to do.” This was a lie. It had been the perfect thing to do. It gave me a chance to sort through my feelings for him and to make a life altering decision.  I was tired of leading him on about our relationship. I had been unclear when we first arrived about what I wanted. But now, with Jack, and, even if Jack hadn’t been involved, I was firm in my thoughts. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

“Who is that man?”  The anger was gone, replaced by hurt.  I knew the hurt wouldn’t last long after I left. He would focus all of his attention on finding someone to give him the perfect life he wanted.

“Just a man who was sent to help protect me.” I looked him in the eyes as I said this. I had to convince him that Jack was not the reason for my defection from him.

“No, he’s not. You look at him in a way you have never looked at me Alison. And he looks at you the same.” He emphasized never.  “Who is he?” His slowly emphasized each word. I knew he wanted me to tell him who Jack was.

“Eric,” I tried to change the subject. I did not want to bring Jack into this. “This long distance game, it’s not working for either of us. I don’t want the same things you do. Not right now. And I don’t want you to wait for me.”

He only stared at me shaking his head. “He had something to do with this.”

I took the seat next to him and looked him in the eyes. “Even if he did, does it matter?  You can’t have something that is not yours. I’m not yours Eric.  I will not pretend to be anymore.”  I knew my words were like a knife cutting right through his heart. But I needed him to understand that Jack didn’t matter in my decision.

I glanced up and watch
E
dell  Noor who had captivated the men that surrounded her. The three officers who had gone over to talk to her were all laughing as she batted her eyelashes in a flirty flair.

“So that’s it?” He asked pulling me back into our conversation.

“That’s it.” I stood up but stopped and gently reached in to kiss his cheek. He flinched, and I ignored it.  I began to walk to where Noor stood, but stopped as he called my name. I turned to look at him.

“Don’t come crying to me when he breaks your heart Alison.”  His voice was filled with both anger and hurt.

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”  My words were meant not to hurt him, but I knew they did all the same. I wouldn’t be back and I wanted him to know this.  I walked over to Noor and motioned to her that I was ready to leave. She waved to the officers as she left them and walked to where I stood.

“Let’s go,” I said quickly as I turned and started to walk out of the hotel. I didn’t stop and I didn’t look back. Within in minutes we were in the car heading to the highway.  The plan was to drop off the rental car at the local airport, then to head East.  Joed and Jack had a plan and I would just have to trust them that this was going to end soon.  The plan was to head back where we had come from – Phoenix. How ironic it was for us to go back to the place Jack originally took me to hide.
             

27
The last Goodbye

“So what happens now,” there was deep concern in her eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was worried about what was going to happen when we handed over the processor, or if it was something else.  My thoughts centered on what would happen to her once all of this was over, once I walked out of her life.

“We hand over the processor and you go on with your Life. It’s over. Joed and Noor go back to where they came from and I go away. I told you Joed and I were able to work something out. The less you know the better.” Disappointment filled her eyes as she looked away from me. 

“You just go away,” her voice was barely a whisper.

‘It’s for the best.  You know that and I know that.”  My chest began to ache as I talked about leaving her. It was the last thing I wanted to do.  Her presence in my life had been my calm in a never ending storm.  She made me want to live life, want more from my meager existence and lack of stability.  I wanted a life with her, but at what cost? 

“Do you want to go?”  Her question was a like a brick hitting me in the chest. She looked up into my eyes and they were filled with tears.  How could she possibly think I wanted to leave her again. The days I had left her in Oregon were agonizing. My thoughts did nothing but swirl around her.  Joed had even commented that I looked like a sad little puppy that had lost its way home. I don’t think he realized just how right on he was about that observation.

“No.” I turned my body and touched her face. “Absolutely not.”  My thumb slowly grazed back and forth on her cheek and she reached up and touched my arm.  She had become quite fond of tracing my cross tattoo. And each time she did, it sent electrical shocks pulsing through my body. “But you have a life to live and your life started out without me and I think it is better off without me.” 

Even if it was possible for us to have a life together, she would have to give everything up for us to be together; her career at the Labs, her home, her beloved Albuquerque. Nothing could remain the same.  The only thing I could guarantee her was that she would want for nothing and she would have my unconditional love for all eternity.  I wasn’t sure that was enough. I didn’t want that to be all for her.  She deserved more in life than just me.

“How can you know that? That I am better off without you?”  Her voice was full of anguish as she continued to trace my tattoo.  She did not look me in the eyes even though I desperately wanted to see through to her soul. 

“I know. It’s as simple as that.” I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me. “You deserve so much more.  You deserve a husband that isn’t on the run all the time, a family, children. This,” I paused, “is all stuff I can’t give you.”  She tried to pull away from me but my grip was too tight. “No.” I proclaimed making sure my hold was iron clad.

“Jack?” she protested looking up at me.  I stopped the protests by gently placing my lips on hers.  Her eyes grew big and after a few seconds she gently pulled away. But she didn’t say anything. She gently laid her head back on my shoulder and her hand moved from my arm to my chest. “Jack,?” this time I let her speak.

“Yes?”

“The tattoo on your chest?” She paused for just a minute and then looked back up into my eyes.  “What does it mean?” I had forgotten all about her seeing the tattoo on my chest in DC. 

“It’s Latin,” I said quietly “Father, I have sinned.” I gazed into her eyes as I answered her question.  She was not surprised by words.

“I know what it says, but what does it mean?” Alison touched my chest again and began to rub back and forth.

I knew this question was coming at some point in time. I just thought it would have been sooner rather than later. I had thought over and over about what I was going to tell her but still the words did not come easily.  Telling her the meaning behind it, meant telling her about all the wrong I had done and give her an idea of who I really was. I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. 

I stayed quiet contemplating my words to her.  She once again looked into my eyes and smiled. “Well?”  I couldn’t resist the temptation and I lowered my head and began to kiss her gently on the lips. But her response made me hungry for more.   I groaned as I moved my hands from around her body to her arms. She responded to my kiss, and greedily took more.  She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I felt her shift her body again and her hands came to a rest on my chest.  I felt her push hard on my chest to separate us.

As our lips parted her forehead came to rest on mine.  “You aren’t answering me,” she said almost completely out of breath.

“Why do you want to know?”  I was trying to avoid the inevitable.

Her hands traveled to my shoulders and then to my face. “Because it is a part of you and I want to know about you.” She looked directly into my eyes and I wasn’t sure how to answer her. The jewel tone of her eyes mesmerized me and I had to look away.  I was afraid if I told her details of my life she would run away and never look back.  “We’ve had this conversation Jack. Please give me something?  Why do you have it?”

I took a deep breath before I answered.  “I’ve done some bad things Sonny, and I will never see heavens gates. No matter how many times I confess what I have done, all the penance in the world will not save me.”

She shot me a confused look, “So you’re saying you are damned for all eternity then?” she looked at me horrified. “I don’t believe it. It goes against everything that is written on your chest.” She shook her head in disbelief. 

I shifted my body and moved her away from me so I could look into her eyes as we talked. I wanted her to see and hear what I had done and take it all in. “I’m not one of the good guys.” She did not turn away from me as I continued. “You know I was in the Marine Corps and served in the first Gulf War, Marine Recon.  I was in one of the units that was sent to rescue a downed pilot. The only one downed.” I looked into her eyes, now to see if I should continue. “We never made it to him because we were ambushed by the Iraqi Republican Guard. They knew we would come looking for our pilot. The bullets flew and some of our men fell.  We couldn’t get to them, and Marines don’t leave Marines behind. We watched from a distance and waited for a chance to get them out, they tortured them.” I stopped for a brief second. She listened, and I didn’t see fear or anger, so I continued. “They did things you could never imagine and we couldn’t do a damn thing. They were dying before our eyes.” I felt her body shudder but she still did not take her eyes off of me. “They finally left them there for dead.” I shook my head in disgust remembering that dark night as vividly as it was really happening. I could still see the man’s bloodied face staring up at me. I could see the pleading in eyes. I felt Alison’s hand on mine and continued, “He was almost there when we reached him.  He knew as well as we did that he wasn’t going to make it back to base. He was suffering and in the worst pain imaginable. I did what I thought was right, I gave him more morphine than I knew I should.  His last words before he closed his eyes were ‘Father I have sinned’, in Latin.” 

Alison removed her hand from mine and gently put her hand on the side of my face.  Her warmth was comforting but the anger of the memories filled me.  “I killed a man Alison.  What if the medics and docs could have saved him, or a priest give him his last rights. I took that from him. And I have killed since then.”

The look in her eyes did not change. She looked at me with the same love and admiration as if I had just told her I saved a man’s life that night. My chest ached as I realized it didn’t matter to her what I had done.  “I took his life, I murdered him.  There is no justification for it. As crazy as it sounds, I feel like I took his sin and brought it to me. At least he can knock on heavens gates.”  Her eyes were dry but I could see the pain in them as much as she could see the pain in mine.  I had never readily told anyone that chapter of my life, not even Paige. 

“You did what you thought was right. How is that wrong?”

“Alison, you have to understand, I have no problem killing if it suits my purpose. It’s part of who I am and what I have done.  This,” and I pointed to the words on my chest, “this is just a reminder.  I am too chicken shit to ask for forgiveness the way I should.”

Alison slowly and carefully reached for the bottom of my shirt began to pull it over my head. I followed her movements and helped her as she took it over my head. It landed somewhere on the floor but I wasn’t sure where. My eyes and my mind were focused on her.  “’Was Seth there,” she whispered.

“Yes,” I managed to breathe out as she began to touch the words that were written on my chest.

“And the cross, Lance said it’s unique in the Marine Corps?”  I saw things clearly now as I realized Lance had told her a little about the tattoo on my arm. It had become legendary in the Corps.

I nodded my head before I opened my mouth. Her hands moved from the words and onto my chest.  “Those of us that survived from our unit that night have them. Seth’s is on his shoulder. I am the only one with these words written on my chest.

Her face twisted in confusion again. “How did Lance know about it?”

I only shook my head. “Sometimes people become the stuff of legends and not by choice. We brought our men home from an impossible situation. They weren’t alive but we brought them home. For a Marine, there were no other options. Others saw that as something heroic.  I saw it as failure.”  This time it was my turn to wince.  It didn’t matter that almost twenty years had passed, it was still fresh in my mind. Alison’s hands were still on my bare chest.  I wanted desperately to look her in the eyes now that she knew just a part of me and to see if she still looked at me with the same with her exquisite green eyes.

I took another deep breath in through my nose and let it out as I brought my head up to meet her gaze.  Her eyes were full of sympathy, compassion, most importantly something I had never expected to see after telling that part of my life  - acceptance. 

“You’re wrong you know.  You’ve been forgiven.”

I sat their staring at her in disbelief. I wasn’t sure she was right, or was she?  I had contemplated that so many times, I had lost count. 

She slowly leaned in and gently kissed my lips, then she brought my hand to her lips and kissed each finger lightly. Her lips traveled up my arm to my neck and finally my lips again.  She moved to press her body against mine.