The Protector (49 page)

I am not sure if you realize what you have come to mean to me.  You walked into my life accidently and saved me from myself. You have taught me right from wrong and given me reason to believe that heavens gates will someday open up for me. In the beginning, I tried desperately to push you away and to push the thoughts that ran through my head and my heart away. Finally I gave up when I realized no matter how hard I tried, you would always be there. You showed me what I could be and wanted to be.  Alison, I love you with every part of my being.   

As I write this you are asleep beside me, and you are the most beautiful sight to me and the thought of hurting that perfection is killing me. So many regrets race through my head. I should have taken you to DC and let the FBI protect you. I should have walked away that day at Dulles International. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t tear myself away from you.  You, in less than a day had convinced me that love was worth something.  You convinced me that there is such a thing as love at first sight.  Believe me Alison, there is that- love at first sight.  You had me the moment I boarded the plane in DC to follow you to Tel Aviv. 

Alison, you gave me more to life than I could ever imagine. You made me smile and think about the future. You made me want a future – a future with you. Right now, as I write this knowing you may get this, I am sorry I never gave you the chance to decide on whether you wanted to spend your future with me.  All I can say is that it would have been a never ending journey. 

But know that you still have a future Alison. Take hold of that future and live it to the fullest.  Don’t give up on anything, especially love.  You will find the true love that Anne and Fredrick Wentworth had and someday you will live that happy ending you want. I only wish I was the one who could have given you that happy ending.

Alison, thank you for touching my life, especially my heart. Thank you for giving me the most incredible feeling a man can have. Thank you for giving me a chance to know love with you. 

Not enough numbers,

Jack

My life as I knew it ended with the end of that letter. My Frederick Wentworth was gone and I would never have the chance to redeem myself as Anne.  I would never get the chance to argue about how much I loved him.  The ache that I had experienced when he was in DC was now more than ache. It was physical pain and heart break.  It was a pain I was sure I could not get over, nor was I sure I ever wanted to. My Fredrick Wentworth was gone.

30
Moving on?

As I drove down my street, a familiar song began to play in the background and I began to sing. It had been a long time since I had last sang at the top of my lungs.  I even had a smile from ear to ear.  It was the first time in a long time I didn’t dread going home.  It was the first time in a long time my mind wasn’t focused on the pain that still radiated through me.  A day, an hour didn’t go by when Jack wasn’t somewhere in my thoughts.

As I expected, Lance’s truck was in the driveway.  I hit the garage door opener and pulled my Honda next to the black BMW that sat unused in my garage.  Seth had brought it out to me about a month after everything, claiming Jack would have wanted me to have it and he already had one. He also gave me access to money, he claimed Jack would have wanted me to have as well. It was enough money to pay my student loans off, and live off of for the next ten years without working.  It too, sat untouched in a bank account.  Both Seth and Noor knew this, and had tried desperately to talk me into going on a trip.  Take some time off and travel the world.  But I didn’t want to go alone and I wasn’t ready to go with Lance, nor was I ready for the reminder of Jack, if Noor had accompanied me.

I kept telling myself it would get better and in some respects it had. Lance was a big part of that. Noor called him my loyal puppy dog.  He had shown up, suspiciously a few days before Noor was scheduled to leave to go back to DC, claiming I owed him dinner for saving my life. His smile had melted any defenses I tried to put up.  At the time I could have seriously injured Noor for letting him in the door, but now as I looked back, he was now more than my coffee buddy. He was my friend and I knew in his eyes he hoped for something more. But he never pressured me like Eric had and he never pushed me into anything. He patiently waited as I sorted through my grief. 

Before I even walked into the door that led from the garage to the kitchen, I could smell the glorious fusion of several different scents. He was cooking something gourmet once again and my smile grew even more. Not long after I had fumbled through making him dinner, he had come over with a bag full of groceries and made me one of the best meals I had ever eaten. Who knew, my Air Force Security man was secretly a gourmet Chef. 

“Hello Sunshine!” he proclaimed in a voice that was laced with his sweet Louisiana accent.  I didn’t let on, but his words meant to welcome me opened the gaping wound that still sat in the core of my heart.  But, if anything, I loved to hear him talk. 

“Hello,” I answered back as I laid my purse on the counter.  “Do I smell gumbo?” The rich smell of the roux, and the shrimp and the sausage filled the small first floor of my townhome.  Lance had the back door open to the backyard and I could see the outside table set for two.  Next to Lance sat a half downed bottle of beer. “Got one of those for me?” I pointed at the bottle and launched my bottom up onto my granite countertop. 

Lance walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a fresh bottle of beer and opened it for me.  He walked over to where I sat and handed it to me, but then quickly pulled it away in denial.  I knew what he was aiming for and with him it was so natural. I leaned in and kissed him on the side of the cheek. “Thank you Lieutenant.” 

A smile crossed his lips and his bright blue eyes sparkled in the afternoon sun.  He took a swig of his beer and pointed to something on the coffee table. “A fed ex package came for you about 20 minutes ago, The guy almost didn’t leave it with me. I had to lie and tell him I was your fiancé.”

“Nice work soldier.” I looked at the white package puzzled. I wasn’t expecting anything. And if Seth had to send me something he usually called first.   The last time I had received something like that, it had been paperwork for Jack’s bank account.  “Hum.”

“You want me to get it for you Princess?” Princess had suddenly become his nickname for me. At first it annoyed the hell out of me, but now I was accustomed to it and didn’t argue with him when he called me by his pet name.

“Not now. I’m starved,” I said tossling what little hair he had on his head.  I hopped off the countertop and followed him with the food he had just served up to the table outside.

It was a beautiful late summer evening. A cool breeze had come up and I knew that before too long we would have one of our sudden summer drenchers.  Lance and I sat out on the patio, eating and talking.  He had been contacted not long after I had returned to Albuquerque by the FBI. Apparently his name came highly recommended and they wanted to seriously talk to him before he had to re-enlist.  The time had come and he had not re-enlisted. He had pretty much decided he had had enough of the military and wanted to join the FBI.  I encouraged him as best I could. I now had a pretty good friend who was with the FBI and I was pretty sure she had something to do with his recent recruitment. 

Over and over, he had asked me whether or not he should go and over and over I persuaded him he should. If he did, it meant him leaving in another month to attend training at Quantico.  He had offered several times to join the local police force, but I knew he would never settle for that. He wanted something bigger so I continued to encourage him to go.  I almost thought he was afraid to leave me alone. And frankly, I was almost afraid for him to leave me alone. The last few months had been somewhat bearable with him by my side.

A few weeks ago, the conversation after dinner had even turned to me moving to DC. He knew the job possibilities were endless for me there. I had seriously considered it and was still considering it. But I wanted him to go and not worry about me and what my future would hold. Once again, he wasn’t going to let the subject go without a small mention.

“I talked to Noor today,” he casually mentioned. 

“I didn’t realize you two talked a lot.” I knew full well they had talked often.  When I wouldn’t answer her questions, she would call Lance and he would sing like a canary to her. She seemed to have that effect on most men. The only one I had ever witnessed who could ignore her was Jack.

“You know Noor. She said she was sure she could find you a job at the State Department as an analyst. You’d make more money than here. “

I had to laugh. Lance knew full well about the bank account I had that had been Jack’s. He knew money was not a motivating factor to get me to do anything.  I had been seriously considering making the move back to DC, but it was something I had not discussed with him or anyone for that matter, until now.  “We’ll see. You and Noor seem to think I still need some protecting don’t you?”

He cocked his left eyebrow up in question and nodded his head. “Never,” he declared. “You my dear do not need protecting, except from those nightmares.” Our conversation had ended then and there.

The thought of the dreams that came made me cringe in fear. Over and over, for the last 5 months, the nightmares came almost every night. The only nights they didn’t come were when Lance made me take a sleeping pill.  They were horse pills and usually knocked me out for a good 11 hours. I hated taking them as it was difficult to get up the next morning. But the dreamless sleep that they brought was always a welcome relief. 

It was finally time to confess that I had been thinking about DC. I thought he was going to explode in excitement when he heard my words.   “Seriously?”

I pursed my lips together and smiled at the big oaf in the chair next to me. The wind was beginning to pick up as the clouds moved in from the West.  They were dark, almost black in color tonight and we could hear the distant crack of thunder.  “Seriously,” I finally confirmed for him.  “I have looked into it. But if I do this I want to do it on my own and not have Noor, or Seth’s help. Even yours!”   I knew this excited him. 

His eyes sparkled and he quickly leaned over and planted a kiss squarely on my lips. I didn’t push him away, nor did I invite him in.  He was satisfied with my response.  He had tried a few times over the month to steal a kiss and those few times I let him. I did not want to hurt the man who had tried so desperately to bring me out of my funk, but I was not ready for anything. My heart belonged to Jack and I wasn’t sure it would ever not belong to him, even in death. But Lance never pushed and always reminded me he could be patient.  I often wondered how long his patience would last. I wouldn’t ask him to wait for me. I knew it was hardly fair.

We quickly moved indoors as the storm moved closer and closer to us. The wind began to really whip and the thunder came closer. I quickly rushed through the dishes and brought us each another beer as we settled on the couch and watched Lance’s favorite team – the Texas Rangers.  This was usually how we spent our Friday nights, in front of a television watching a baseball game, whether it was at my place or at a bar, or even at his place with his roommates.  I had enjoyed spending time with his friends and their girlfriends. I felt normal again, almost.

The storm came rolling in with a vengeance and thunder shook the house as the storm moved over us.  I had never been afraid of thunder, even as a child, but now the thunder reminded me of that horrid evening Jack disappeared out of my life.

Lance knew this and threw his arm around me and pulled me closer. “Do you want one of your sleeping pills?” 

I nodded no. I knew it would be a bad night, but I didn’t want to throw myself into a drug induced coma.  I nestled my head against his shoulder and watched the game with him. He rubbed my hand gently and I could feel my eyes grow heavy with exhaustion.  Falling asleep had not been a problem, rather staying asleep for more than a few hours without waking up screaming was my problem. Before I had even realized it, I was laying on his lap as he stroked my hair away from my face.  I tried desperately to watch the game, but it was useless I drifted into a fitful sleep. My only consolation was being in Lance’s arms, which I knew would turn into Jack’s in my dreams.

The next thing I remembered was Lance laying me down in bed.  I didn’t know how late it was nor did I care. I was sleeping and that is what mattered. Lance bent down and gently kissed me on the lips “Goodnight Princess.” He began to turn and walk out of the bedroom.  Most nights, when he stayed over, he either slept on the couch or in the spare bedroom. Sometimes he went home. It depended on his mood and of course mine.

“Lance?”

He stopped in the doorway and braced both hands against the frame. He didn’t look back at me. “Yah?” He lowered his head to look down at the ground. 

“Will you stay?” If I had to guess, he didn’t want to leave, but he was too much a gentleman to ask or to assume he could stay with me.

“I’ll be downstairs.  Call me if you need me ok?”

“Will you stay up here with me tonight? You can watch the game up here.”  I wanted him to hear it in my voice that I wanted him to stay.  “Please.”  It was a soft plea and I wasn’t even sure if he had heard me.

He took his hands off the door frame and turned to walk back to the bed. “Are you sure?” 

“Yes, please.” I patted the bed next to me and smiled at him. He returned the smile and stood up.