The Rocker That Holds Me (11 page)

“Away.” I spat the word at him.

The street lamp cast enough light that I saw his face was livid and pale. “The fuck you are! You aren’t leaving. You can’t leave.” His voice cracked and his hold on my arms tightened causing me to winch in pain, but he didn’t release me. “Get back in the fucking house.”

“Why?” I demanded. “Why should I stay here?
So that you can torment me with all of those skanks? So that you can rub it in my face with what I can never have?” A humorless laugh escaped me. “Thanks, but no thanks. I’m tired of it all. Tired of seeing the different women flowing in and out of your bed. Tired of dreaming of something I know I can never have.”

“What are you talking about?” He demanded. “There hasn’t been anyone in my bed in months! Jesus Christ, Emmie. Are you blind? Can’t you see how I feel about you?”

His question confused me. I couldn’t help the frown that wrinkled my brow. “What feelings?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Please, Em. Come back into the house and let’s talk. Don’t leave, baby. Please don’t go.”

I didn’t know what I should do. My brain was screaming at me to get in the taxi and go. That this wasn’t the life I should bring my child into. How could I possibly bring a child into our world that was full of nothing but partying and women for my guys? But my heart was fighting with my brain, demanding that I shut up and go with Nik.

Seeing
the indecision on my face Nik looked at the driver and asked the man to unload my things. He tipped the man generously then held onto me until the taxi had pulled out of the driveway and disappeared into the night before reaching for my suitcases. “Come on, baby.” He urged softly.

Mutely I followed him into the beach house. He dropped my cases in the hallway by the door and then grasped my hand. Nik tugged me up the stairs and into his room where he locked his door and then pushed me to sit on the edge of his bed. Still holding onto my hand he crouched down in front of me, forcing me to look at him.

“Where were you going to go, Em?” He whispered in a hoarse voice.

I shrugged. “
Somewhere were there aren’t groupies and skanks everywhere I turn.”

Nik grimaced. “Are they really that upsetting to you? Now, after all the years you have lived with us?”

I glared down at him. “What do you think? Should I want to have this baby and subject it to all those sluts on a daily basis? Should I let her see what you are really like; the egotistic rocker who has to have all his adoring groupies hanging off his arm while I, her mother, have to watch from the side lines?”

His head snapped back as if I had physically slapped him. “That’s how you feel? Like you have to watch from the side lines?” He released my hand and cupped my face in his hands. “Don’t you know that I want you beside of me?
You and only you?”

My snort was not pretty. “That’s pretty hard to imagine, Nik.
What with yesterday and those sluts pushing me away from you so fast. And today with two skanks rubbing against you like they were in heat.”

“So you are jealous!” He grinned and I wanted to punch him. Or maybe even kick him where he would feel it the most. I was debating between the two when he laughed in pure delight and I decided that smac
king him felt better.

That
knocked the smile off his face. He stared up at me in complete surprise, his fingers touching the angry red hand print on his face. “I’m so glad that you find rubbing those whores in my face so funny. Who the fuck cares that a little piece of my heart dies every time I see it, right?”

“Oh sweetheart.”
He shook his head. “You have really got to open those beautiful green eyes of yours.” He took my stinging hand that was red from slapping him and kissed the aching center. “The only reason those girls were in my arms was so that I could find out the truth. Yesterday I suspected, but today confirmed it.”

“What are you talking about?”

A small smile tilted up his lips. “I had to know for sure. That you feel just as deeply as I feel for you. Em, you have been driving me insane with jealousy. Do you know that I have come close to killing my best friend a hundred different times in the past six months?”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Jesse? Why would you do that?
”

“For the same reasons why I went crazy when you told me you were pregnant. I didn’t want anyone but me to be able to touch you. You are mine, Em. It’s taken me forever to admit that to myself, but when I did I couldn’t stand the idea of Jesse or Axton or someone else so much as holding your hand let alone touching you.” He shook his head. “The night Ax took you to the hospital? He called me ten times before I picked up. I had
watched you let him kiss you. Fuck I couldn’t see straight I was so jealous. And then I played that song and expected you to jump into my arms when I walked off stage…

“But you were gone. I went crazy with rage. Stormed off and refused to answer my phone when Axton first started calling. I had no idea what had happened to you. So when I finally listened to one of the messages he left I...” He broke off, swallowing hard. “You were so sick and there I was acting like some petulant child because you weren’t falling into my arms like I had been dreaming about.”

Remembering his song made my heart ache. I had tried to forget that Nik was in love. “I didn’t stick around long to listen to your song. I started throwing up when I realized that you were…in love.” The last word came out a whisper and I had to bite my lip to keep it from trembling.

Nik leaned forward on his knees until I felt his breath on my neck.
“Sweet, sweet Emmie.” He murmured. “Still so blind. How can I open your eyes, baby girl? Do you need me to spell it out? Have I been such a fool in not realizing that you couldn’t see just what you have done to me?” His lips brushed against the sensitive spot just below my ear, causing me to shiver. “Yes, I am in love.
There is this Ember in my heart that has hold of me and won’t let go
.” He sang the last part and tears spilled from my eyes.

I have been blind.

I have refused to see that while I was trying so desperately to hide my feelings for Nik, he has been trying to show me his own. Things have never been the same between me and him as they were between me and Jesse, Drake, or Shane. There was always some invisible string that connected us, that held onto my heart in a different location than where the others were lodged. I knew it when I came to live with them at fifteen. I knew it and I refused to see because when you have nothing you fight for everything that you
do
have and are too scared of losing it. 

That was why my stolen night with Nik was so easy to take and keep safe in my heart. That was why it was so easy to love the baby growing inside of me. Nik and I were meant to be together.

“I love you, Em. With everything inside of me I love you. You are my favorite dream come to life and I never want to let you go.” His lips caressed my eyes, sipping at my tears. “I need you to breathe. You keep the world afloat when everything is going insane.”

“I
have loved you for so long, Nik.” I whispered. “You were my dark prince in rusty armor when I was a kid. Now you have become my reason for getting up each morning. The last few years, watching you have a revolving door of one night stands, has slowly killed me. I instantly hate any female that looks at you.”

“Oh baby, I’m sorry. I had no idea.” He cupped my face. “They didn’t mean anything, Em. I swear it. They were just something that distracted me from doing what I knew I shouldn’t. When you came to live with us I wanted you then. I thought I was turning into some demented pedophile and I hated myself.
” Nik blew out a frustrated sigh, and I understood his reasons for hating himself for those feelings. I wasn’t the only one with a horrible childhood… “Then I realized it was just you, but that didn’t make me feel any better. So I used the other girls to take my mind—and other things—off of what I wanted most.”

“The dreams started a few years ago. I would wake up in the middle of the night with my dick so hard and it would take all my will power to keep from seeking out the warmth of your arms so that I could make my dreams a reality.” One long finger traced the fullness of my bottom lip.
“That’s why our night together didn’t surprise me. I just brushed it off as another dream.”

“I thought you didn’t know it was me. I hated myself for taking advantage of you like that. But I lived off of the memories.” I tangled my fingers in his thick hair. “That night was
more than I could have ever hoped for.” And tonight…Tonight he was making all my dreams come true.

Nik brushed a tender kiss across my lips, lingering just for a moment before pulling away. “When you ran away from me at the mall I went a little crazy. I couldn’t find you and it was the worse feeling I have ever experienced.
Until tonight. Seeing that cab and realizing that you were about to leave me…My heart actually stopped, Em.”

“I couldn’t handle those girls hanging off you, Nik. I love you so obsessively and I thought…” Tears clogged my throat and I was unable to speak.

He kissed me again. “Just a ploy to see how jealous you were, my love. Nothing more. As soon as I saw you move away from the door I untangled them and pushed them on Jesse as soon as he came outside. I didn’t stick around afterwards. I spent the rest of the evening watching Sports Center and drinking beer in the living room while I planned my next move to make you see that I am in love with you.”

His words were healing every crack in my heart. I don’t think I ha
d ever been as happy as I was in that moment. Never had I dreamed that Nik and I would ever be together, and here he was giving me everything I have ever wanted.

His love
!

“You aren’t going to leave me are you, Em?” He whispered against my lips.
He tasted so good I moaned.

I shook my head.
“No, never.”

Nik brushed his nose against my own. “And you love me, yes?”

“Yes.” I breathed as he cupped my breast.

“Will you marry me, my Ember?” His fingers were playing with mine. Entwining, caressing.

A jolt of pure happiness went through me. My breath caught in my chest and I couldn’t stop the tears that spilt from my eyes. “Yes.”

“It’s been great preforming here for you, New York!”

The crowd was going crazy, screaming for more as Nik was winding down the concert. It was a day concert, which was what most of Demon’s Wings concerts were these days. Rarely on this short tour did they do a night show. But the fans were still growing strong. Just because they had changed their lifestyle did not mean that Demon’s Wings had lost their fan following.

“You know that we love
you all and could not do this without you.” It was the way that Nik always ended a concert. Showing appreciation and making sure that the entire band got their share of limelight. “Jesse Thornton on drums loves you…Shane Stevenson on bass adores you…My man Drake over here is crazy about you.” Nik touched a hand to his heart. “And you know that with the exception of my two favorite girls in the world you are my life.”

I grinned when he turned and blew me a kiss
, the silver ring on his left hand reflecting in the sunlight. God, I fell a little deep for that man every fucking day! “And so, with one last song we are going to leave you. But know that you will forever be in our hearts!”

“You know this song. Have requested it worldwide, making it number one for four
straight months in a row. Help me out, sing along.”

My heart melted as I listened to the words that had been part of our night
ly time routine for the last two years.
Sleeping Angel
was our angel’s lullaby and Mia couldn’t sleep without her daddy singing it to her. But don’t think that just because Nik was a father now that he was completely soft. Some people had wondered if he had lost his rocker edge when
Sleeping Angel
had gotten popular. Everyone had been torn up because they feared that Demon’s Wings was just going to be all about oversentimental love for the women in their lives.

They didn’t have to worry. Nik still had a lot of the past to write about. Just because
Sleeping Angel
was number one on the rock charts didn’t mean that that was the only hit they had off their latest album. The music could be just as dark at times as it was sentimental.

Hearing Nik singing her favorite song, the toddler wiggled in my arms and I set her on her feet.

Before you freak out and think that I subject my toddler to a rock show, relax. We had only just left our own private bus—one that had been designed for a family traveling with a child—a little while ago after Mia had woken from her afternoon nap. But Mia always wanted to see the end of her father’s shows. To say that she was a daddy’s girl was a huge understatement.

It broke my heart a little that she would rather have her daddy than me, but I was learning to live with that. Nik and I have even talked about having another baby. But that was something that I wanted to wait a little longer on. Even if I was only second best to Mia, I never tired of spoiling that little girl. Having another baby right now would take away from that.