The Smartest Girl in the Room (28 page)

Emily started chopping the onions because she
was worried she’d hurt herself peeling the potatoes. "Actually,
it’s fine. You have my permission to talk about me as much as you
want as long as I don’t have to hear about it."

"If I said he really wants to see you would
you care a little bit?"

"No."

"You don’t have anything you want to say to
him?"

"I do, but I’m trying to be a better person
and not use those words as much."

"You don’t think you’d feel better if you saw
him?"

Emily put the onions in a bowl then grabbed
five cloves of garlic. "Let me see," she said as she smashed one of
the cloves. "How would that conversation go? ‘Let me give you a
little bit of closure, okay? The reason I didn’t think you were
worth even sending a text to was because you didn’t put out. Or she
was prettier. Or older. Or smarter. Or I just had more chemistry
with her. It’s not about you, babe. It’s just me. I hope you don’t
still feel bad about it like a sixth grader.’" She smashed another
clove.

"I don’t think that’s what he wants to say,"
Zainab said carefully.

"It doesn’t matter," she muttered. "Because
whatever he says, what he wants to hear at the end is, ‘that’s
okay, you didn’t do anything wrong. You can go back to whatever you
used to be.’"

"So you want him to feel guilty?"

Another clove smashed. "I don’t want anything
that has anything to do with him. But if he thinks we’re going to
meet and I’m going to sit through something that sounds anything at
all like ‘so let’s be friends’, no. I don’t owe him anything."

"But what about you?"

It was time to take a chance on the potatoes.
"What about me?"

"Don’t you want to say some things?"

"No. They don’t need to be said. Maybe the
next time you- or Miranda- talk to him you can tell him that and
then start talking about something else."

Richard popped his head in and awkwardly
waved. "Do you two need me to leave?"

Emily looked at the bowl of vegetables then
looked at him. "And what would you like me to do with all of these
potatoes and onions then? Oh no. You two are going to go to the
living room, hold hands, be syrupy and I’m going to make this. Got
it?"

Zainab shrugged. "Fine."

Richard took her hand. "You know, none of
that sounded bad to me."

Emily looked down at the cutting board and
smiled. Knowing that they were happy was enough.

~~~

Emily wouldn’t have been able to do anything
the next day if she hadn’t stumbled on the story of Zagreus that
morning. It was an alternate myth of Persephone, Zeus and Dionysus
that, as far as she was concerned, highlighted the implosion of
power and family dynamics inherent in the standard myth. Really,
who likes to read about incest, child sacrifice and dismemberment?
Well, there were some, she thought to herself as she wrinkled her
nose, but this was better than stewing about Zainab, Miranda and...
never mind. She turned off her phone just to make sure she wouldn’t
be distracted.

She turned her phone on as she walked through
the quad on her way to eat. Of course Miranda had tried to call her
three times. Emily gritted her teeth. It must be nice to not have
to worry about getting anything done and have all this time
to...

"Emily?"

She stopped walking. Oh that deep voice. Her
hands started to sweat. She shook them and took another step.

"Emily!" He was closer. She heard footsteps.
He was right behind her.

She turned around. Green eyes, olive skin,
gorgeous wavy hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. "What is it?"

He parted his lips. Okay, fine, perfect
teeth. "I was hoping we could talk."

"Oh, really? Gee, getting Zainab and Miranda
to harass me about it for the last two days didn’t give that
away."

He pulled back. "What are you talking
about?"

"Oh, please. Don’t pretend that you didn’t
put Miranda up to calling me about you- twenty times! Or that you
didn’t ask Zainab to talk to me about you."

"I swear, I-"

"No, don’t!" She knew she was shouting, but
she couldn’t stop. "Don’t swear anything. Don’t promise anything.
You only get one chance to lie to me and you’ve already used
it."

"I know, that’s what I-"

"No, just don’t! You want to play hero with
the fraternity? Enjoy. You want to get schmoozed by SGC and Joe
Welles? You’re perfect for it. You go do all of that, but don’t
think that any of that makes you a good person who gets a pass for
wanting an easy screw in Ireland."

He turned purple. "I’m sorry."

"I bet. I bet you were just filled with
remorse as soon as she dumped you."

"I ended it."

"Oh. My mistake. I guess I’m not the only one
who outlived her usefulness with you."

"That’s not what happened!"

"Oh. Oh! Let me guess. She cheated on you?"
Silence. "Oh. And did that you make you contemplate karma, the law
of cause and effect, the Golden Rule or whatever BS? Is that it?
You want some redemption so you can move on with a clean
slate?"

"Emily-"

She snapped her fingers. "Then this is your
lucky day! Today I’m running a free special on blank slates. It was
nothing, okay? You were just some guy who said things he didn’t
mean but didn’t actually, you know, do anything. And I am just a
little girl who takes things way too literally. Okay? It was
nothing, and neither of us has to think about each other again.
Ever."

"I am-"

"You are done! Tell Zainab and Miranda to
stop trying to make me do something as if I’m the one who did
anything wrong. And if you’re such a good friend, do a better job
taking care of them and stop worrying about me."

"What are you talking about?"

"I would have gone to that stupid party with
Zainab if I had thought you-" she pointed at him- "were going to
stay home!"

His jaw dropped and he looked down at her.
"Are you talking about Joe?"

She was nauseous. "I am not talking about
anything. Just leave me alone!" She turned back and ran to the
library. It wasn’t like she’d be able to eat lunch now anyway.

Emily got texts from Zainab and Miranda
within half an hour. She didn’t bother opening them. Then the phone
rang. It was Miranda. Ignore. Miranda twice more. Ignore. Then
Zainab. Emily looked at it for a moment, and then hit Ignore. Then
a text from Jessie.

What is your problem?

I don’t have a problem. I just took care of
it.

Then why has Miranda been babbling to me for
the last twenty minutes? And why is Richard calling me to ask me to
talk to you?

Richard?!?

Yeah, Zainab’s pretty upset, you jerk.

What the Hell! Why am I the jerk when they’ve
been harassing me about some stalky jerk for the past few days?

What did they do?

Miranda’s all, Oh, wow, he’s so sorry and he
wants to talk to you. Zainab’s all, don’t you want to? Just so
you’ll feel better? And then- surprise- there he is. What is their
problem?

Don’t you all go to the same school?

So? I haven’t run into him before.

Aren’t you always at the library?

Sorry- gotta go.

Coward.

Emily worked for the next three hours by
pretending that she was ten all over again and reading about
Persephone for the first time. Ten was such a great age- math and
reading had been much more fun for her than boys. And really, who
would date anything that remotely resembled Zeus or Hades?

When her phone rang she answered.
"Zainab."

"Yes." She paused. "I think we should
talk."

"And by ‘we’ you mean-"

"Meet me at the café in fifteen minutes,"
Zainab said before she hung up.

Zainab was by herself when Emily arrived. "Is
there something you want to say to me?" Zainab asked as soon as
Emily sat down.

"Why is it so important to you?" Emily
said.

"Mitch?"

"Yes, Mitch!"

"Because you got shafted- "

"Yes, I did."

"- and I think you deserve to hear someone
apologize for it."

Emily got up and came back five minutes later
with coffee for Zainab. "Would you believe that I have imagined an
apology before?"

"And how did that go?"

"When you take out all of the ‘oh, Emily, I
was such a fool.’? It’s pretty empty."

"Maybe real-life is more satisfying than you
think."

"Well, let’s find out." She twisted her
mouth. "I’m sorry I thought you were helping Mitch stalk me."

"You should be!" Zainab exclaimed. "Why would
you think some random guy would be more important to me than you
are?"

"Because I’m a stupid, stupid girl."

"I wouldn’t go that far. But I’m never going
to be shamed into homework around you again."

"You really do know how to hurt me, you know
that?"

Zainab winked. "There’s stuff I know. You
want to know what else I know? Miranda would love to join us."

Emily shook her head. "When did you meet
Miranda?"

"Jessie made me call her when she was
hysterical earlier today."

Emily winced. "How bad was it?"

Zainab raised her eyebrow and tilted her
head. "You might want to apologize to her."

Miranda sniffled for fifteen minutes after
she joined them. She babbled things about Michael and how everyone
always ran away from her after they met him. But maybe it was
really her because she didn’t know how to be a good friend and she
really liked Emily and Zainab and would do anything to make it up
to them. Emily tried to tell her that she was sorry for
overreacting but finally gave up and repeated that she did indeed
like Miranda and that of course they were friends. She kept
repeating this until Miranda finally calmed down.

"Oh, good!" Miranda said at last. "Why don’t
we all get dinner? My treat. Please?"

Emily didn’t dare say no.

~~~

Zainab’s words rang in Emily’s ears that
weekend. Then they mingled with what she’d said to Mitch. Part of
her hated Mitch for coming back. Most keenly so when she thought of
Drew. Drew wasn’t anyone else's fault, certainly not Mitch’s, but
seeing Mitch had reminded her of how different things could have
been, if only. If only her mother had cared. If only Emily hadn’t
been so desperate and Drew hadn’t been so crazy. If only Mitch
hadn’t lied through the same silence he’d promised in. If only.

She was going to die of regret if she lived
in If Only. She missed the person she had been before everything
had happened, but she wasn’t sure she could be that person again.
Maybe she couldn’t. But she didn’t have to be the person who had
yelled at Mitch.

Emily got the address to Mitch’s apartment
from Zainab. It was only five blocks away from theirs.
How
convenient
, she thought, but stopped herself before she could
go on.

She buzzed the door, praying he wouldn’t
answer. Before she could turn away, a group of women walked out of
the building and held the door for her. "Thanks," she forced
herself to say as she walked in.

She went through the lobby and then down the
stairs to the basement. His apartment was at the end of the hall.
She knocked, pretending she wasn’t really there. She heard some
shuffling, and then the door opened.

Mitch had a towel wrapped around his waist
and was dripping wet. Emily looked down at the ground. "Sorry." She
didn’t want to look at his bare skin.

"Was that you buzzing? Sorry. Please, come
in."

"I think I should stay out here."

"Why... oh- let me throw some clothes on."
Two minutes later, he had on jeans and a tee shirt. Emily was
annoyed with herself for noticing how clean and fresh he looked.
She didn't look at his eyes. She was sure they were still bright
green.

Just get this over with. "So, I owe you an
apology. Once I stopped hanging up on Miranda, she and Zainab did
a, well, pretty good job of convincing me that they’re not helping
you stalk me. They were annoying this week, but running into you
was just a coincidence."

He stared at her. "I, um, sort of have a good
reason not to... well, I think you get why I wouldn’t want to see
you, but I probably went too far." She looked up at the ceiling.
"No, I totally went too far on the quad and I said mean things I
shouldn’t have said it doesn’t make me feel better. Things are
pretty good now and I don’t have to be so mad. So... I’m sorry."
She took a deep breath and nodded. He still didn’t say anything.
"Alrighty then. That’s what I came to say. So, Zainab told me
you’re going to be starting law school in the fall. Have a great...
law school and, well, be seeing you."

"You like
The Prisoner!
"

Mitch wore the biggest smile she’d ever seen.
He looked, she thought, the way a child did when they suddenly
understand something confusing. After a moment, Emily smiled too
because now everything really was okay. It was all so clear now.
Emily never had to feel bad about Mitch again, and she could know
with serene calm that everything had turned out for the best.
Obviously, Mitch was crazy.

She nodded slowly. "Anyone who is anyone
likes
The Prisoner
. But as long as we’re all set, I’ve got
to go, duty calls." She gestured to her backpack.

"I like
The Prisoner
, too!" He blurted
out.
Oh my God
, Emily thought. How quickly could she escape?
"And I have to study too." He grabbed his jacket and backpack
before she could say anything. "Okay, let’s go."

Okay- he wasn’t going to imprison her and
make her watch old television. "I’m- walking!" That was all she
could manage in her bewilderment.

"Then I’ll walk too," he said with a
smile.

"Don’t you... have bad knees?"

"I’ll be fine." Sure enough, it seemed like
there was a spring in his step.