To Fall (The To Fall Trilogy Book 1) (45 page)

66

Xander

My knuckles rapped above the glittery wreath on the front door and Abby opened it with a bright smile; all her bags sat in the entry. “Good morning, beautiful.”

She flung herself at me and sealed her mouth to mine. “Good morning, handsome.”

“You ready to go?” I looked down to Bozo holding his tongue outside his mouth, waiting for a rub down.

Abby nodded. “I have everything set. I might need to come back in a week and check on the house.”

“That is doable.” I grabbed her bags and the dog food, placing everything in the back of the 4Runner.

With finals behind us, I had been hunting with my siblings every available moment and couldn’t wait for today. I could finally take a breath and enjoy my time with Abby.

Yesterday was Christmas, and the Millers left this morning just before I brought my car around to her house, having kept watch all night.

The drive to my place was quiet, both of us were thinking about Abby’s appointment with Dr. Joe today. It was her semi-annual check-up, and by the way her hand tapped her jean-clad knee, she was as nervous as I was.

Abby tired faster and it had been taking more of my gift to keep her heart calm, but she hadn’t been sleeping well either. I hoped to get a private moment to catch up with the doctor. We had been e-mailing, planning, and preparing for the inevitable. Honestly, nothing would prepare me for when her heart finally gave out.

Abby emerged from the hall after putting her things away in my room. “Where is everyone?” she wondered.

I couldn’t help the grin that slid onto my lips. “They left.”

“Where did they go?”

Wanting to surprise Abby, I hadn’t told her my siblings were also going to be gone for these twelve days. “They took a long flight, so to speak. They needed a break. We have a place up in Northern Arizona. A log house, it’s quiet, not a soul for miles.” I didn’t tell her they were also going to call upon the Second Choir again to plead on Abby’s behalf. Perhaps a different Archangel would appear and have a different answer for us this time, or at least give us an explanation why she wasn’t ready for judgment.

Abby’s feet shifted. “You should have gone with them. I know you could use a break, too.”

“No way.” I captured her chin and pulled it up so she could see the resolve in my eyes. “I’m exactly where I want to be.” I glanced to the time on my new watch—a gift from the Millers. “You ready to go?”

She huffed, “Yes.”

Hours passed of X-rays, blood work, ECG, and other tests. I stayed with her as much as they allowed me, held her hand, and gave her support. Abby peppered me with apologies for how boring this was. We talked and played games like
Guess what’s in the Drawer
. Abby won every time, and I realized that she was here much too often. That knowledge soured my stomach.

The nurse appeared with a one-size fits all gown that would never fit on her small frame. Giving her privacy, I waited in the hall until she called me. Stepping back in, I grinned. “The circus tent is your best look, Abby.”

“Ha. Ha.”

Joseph knocked and greeted me, pretending to have met me for the first time for Abby’s benefit. I pointed to the classic car calendar and we discussed the Mustang on display.

“You do know I’m here, right?” Abby asked, looking to us from the exam table. “The one that brought this little bromance about?” She gestured to us.

Joseph’s tone held no apology. “Sorry, Abby, cars come first.”

Abby rolled her eyes.

“Okay, okay. If you’re gonna get testy about it, I’ll focus on you,” he teased.

Her arms flung up. “Finally!”

I stayed while Joseph examined Abby, and he read over whatever test results he had back, still waiting on some from the lab. Looking to me, he said, “Alexander, I would like to speak with Abby privately.”

My stomach dropped. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes,” he stated. “We’ll be a minute if you would like to get a soda from the cafeteria.” He was asking me not to listen outside and my chest constricted.

Flicking my eyes back to Abby, I swallowed. “I won’t be long.”

She nodded, too innocent to understand what was going on. “Okay.”

67

Abby

“Abby, you have quite the boyfriend there. A nice young man,” Dr. Joe said as the door clicked shut.

A wide smile broke out. “He’s pretty great.”

Dr. Joe sat down and typed on the laptop. Not long after, a nurse poked in with two papers that she set on the desk and the door shut again, leaving just us. The laptop was abandoned on the little desk and he wheeled closer to me. “Your tests show your heart is stable, but the numbers have changed from the results last year. I’m altering your dosages, nothing too drastic. Here are the new instructions.” He handed me the first paper. “There’s one more thing.” He paused.

“Spit it out, Dr. Joe, I’m not getting any younger.”

He didn’t smile this time, which made my smile fall. “Abby, I know this won’t be easy to hear, but I would be irresponsible if I didn’t broach the subject.”

“Okay.” My pulse jumped in my throat.

He stared at the paper as though it were making him speak. “I know you and Alexander are great kids, but young people sometimes get into situations. I would like you to start taking birth control.” Cue the second paper.

I refused to take it as though it would explode in my hand like a spy movie. “I don’t need this, Dr. Joe. We’re going to wait.”

“Sometimes our intentions are good, but we’re only…human. Things happen. You can get pregnant. There is nothing wrong with your reproductive system. Abby…you shouldn’t have children. You can’t carry a baby and survive. The workload on your heart would be too much. A pregnancy would kill you.”

I recoiled and almost fell off the exam table. This thought never crossed my mind. I assumed one day Xander and I would marry and have a baby. But that would mean I had expected for my heart to get fixed, or spontaneously get healthy. How could I have been so blind to my own reality? How could I let myself think I could give Xander a child? How could I have been so cruel to let Xander believe we had a future?

With a pat on the shoulder, Dr. Joe left the prescription in my lap. The paper stared at me and mocked my ignorance. Deep voices muttered outside the door, too muffled to distinguish words, and I was in too much shock to care. The longer I held the prescription, the angrier I became with myself, sitting there, repeating those words.
A pregnancy would kill you.

If it were possible for Xander to stay with me as a human, wouldn’t he want a baby? Of course, he did. He said he wanted three.
What if we had two like me and one like you.
He would fall from Heaven; give up everything to be with the one human who couldn’t give him his own child. I mourned a life I would never have, a life I could never give him.

The voices snapped me out of my thoughts. Xander was waiting and he would check on me soon. Shuffling back into my clothes, I stuffed the papers in my pocket, planning to throw one of them away later. Xander was clear that he wanted to wait, and we weren’t the normal kids Dr. Joe thought we were. One of us wasn’t even human.

I opened the exam room door, and all the way to the SUV, I was too ashamed to look at Xander. I knew it was coming. He would ask what Dr. Joe said to me in private.

Xander slid into the driver’s seat and started the engine. He didn’t ask until we were on the road. “Everything okay?” His voice was soft, but I heard the unease in it.

I tried to focus on something. Xander’s promise of Chinese food for dinner. The lyrics of the Jason Aldean song piping through the car stereo. What my sisters would ride first at Disneyland. Anything but those words. There was no way I would make it twelve days with Xander and avoid the inevitable question.

“Yeah.” Biting my lip, I looked out the window.

I shrunk into myself and didn’t let him hold my hand. His touch would make me feel guiltier. I prayed he didn’t notice. He did. He always did.

The car slowed, he pulled into a neighborhood and stopped. I cringed.

“Abby, what did he say?”

I didn’t answer and kept my stare into nothingness.

He leaned over and put a hand on my thigh. “Abby, you’re scaring me.”

I fought to even my voice. “Xander, I don’t want to talk. Please. I really need you to give me space.” That was a lot to ask of Xander, near impossible.

The seconds passed as if they were hours. “Okay, if that’s what you need.”

I sighed, but the tension didn’t leave my body.

Along the drive, I felt Xander’s eyes on me. They would be concerned, full of sadness and pity. Mile by mile, I broke down, ready to crumble, and that damn lump in my throat kept growing bigger.

Once Xander pulled into the drive, I jumped out of the SUV, tore inside his house, to his room, and closed the door. I was cracking. If he was nice to me, held me, or gave me those hazel eyes, I would lose it. Brick by brick the dam went up, cemented by anguish and fear. I knew I hurt his feelings by shutting him out and I felt like crap for it. He was only concerned, but how could I tell him this? How could I face him?

The mattress dipped under his weight and a large hand came to my back, rubbing up and down. My eyes stung with brimming tears.

“I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how I can help. But I do love you, with all of my being.”

Teeth sunk into my lip. Hard. Pulling farther in, I tucked up like a ball. He curled around me, breath warm on my neck. I inched away from him. “Please. Please, don’t be nice to me. I need you to stop. I need space, Xander.” My voice shook and I fisted the comforter.

With a kiss to my head, he left. For twenty minutes, I played the awful exam room scene in my mind without end.
A pregnancy would kill you
.

Xander came back in and lifted me off the bed. I hadn’t looked at him since the hospital and I refused to now. He carried me to Calista’s bathroom. The tub was filled with bubbles and vanilla scents. Candles flickered with the winter sun brightening the room. Soft music played in the overhead speakers. I didn’t realize until now that his chest was bare and he had board shorts on. My gaze anchored to his stomach, unable to meet his eyes.

Xander pulled my sweater over my head, undid my jeans, and slipped them down; I let him. His head dipped and kissed my scar. He lifted me again and we sank under the water, just warm enough but not hot. How did he know I couldn’t take hot baths?

Xander was gentle with me. He washed my hair with the hand shower and lovingly scrubbed my back. When done, he pulled me against him and held me to his chest. I let the loud thudding of his heart soothe me.

Xander reached for something over the tub, paper rustled, and I froze as he unfolded it. The prescription. It must have fallen out of my pocket. “What is this?”

I turned away from the paper.

“Abby, you’re not okay. Please talk to me.” He paused. “Did Dr. Joe say something about your heart?”

Cinching my fingers around his arms, I pinched my eyes, the waters raging behind them. “I shouldn’t… He said I couldn’t carry a baby. It would kill me. I…can’t give you a family. I can’t…give you the life you deserve.”

With one gentle, pained whisper of my name, he broke the dam.