To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4) (13 page)

I brought Hannah’s bag up to my bedroom for her despite her insistence that she wasn’t an invalid.

“I’m just-” My words stopped dead in my mouth when I turned from dropping my wallet on my dresser and there she was, at the foot of the bed, standing over her bag, riffling away through her possessions.  In nothing but some barely-there strapless lace bra and her jeans.

She turned to face me as if everything were normal. “You were just, what?”

I ogled her with a heated gaze before shaking myself out of it and arching my brow at her.  “What are you doing?”

“Changing.  What’s it look like?”

My blubbering antics came back as I took in the see-through pink lace.  “Y-you really shouldn’t…”  Christ on a crutch, she was gorgeous.

“Ben?” My eyes flew up to hers.  “Do I make you uncomfortable?”

“No.”
You make me want to lick you from top to bottom.
  I cleared my throat.  “It’s just that after last night,
this
… It makes it hard for me to keep my hands off of you.”

She stepped toward me and I backed up, my ass meeting the dresser’s edge, cornering me in.  The siren before me came to a stop when we stood toe-to-toe.  “Ben?” she said sweetly.

“Hmm?” I stared down at the perfect view of the valley between her breasts.  I licked my lips as the blood pooled in my lower anatomy.  If she got any closer, I wouldn’t be in control of what happened next.  My hands remained at my sides, fisted tight.

She reached up and tilted my head so I could only see her face, not to mention, her humored expression.  “My eyes are up here.” Winking, she backed away to slip the stretched-out t-shirt she’d been holding over her head.

Phew!

“I’m going to go down there.” My eyes were now glued to that firm jean-clad tush of hers.  “And wait.”

“And here I thought you were about to pounce.”

Was that a pout?  “Be careful, woman.” I smirked.  “If that lacy bit comes back out to play, you’ll be getting more than just a pouncing white knight.”

Her eyes glittered with humor.  “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Through the evening, we made light conversation about random things.  I found myself on my back with my head on Hannah’s lap.  I could have fallen asleep with the way her fingers massaged my scalp.

“Tell me,” I grasped her free hand and interlaced our fingers before bringing her knuckles up to my lips for a kiss, “why do you feel so compelled to help people?”

She smiled down at me.  “I feel I should be asking you that same question.”

“You go first.”

“I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember,” she began.  “The earliest is when I brought a kid home from school.  He’d confessed that his parents didn’t have enough money for his school lunch.  I guess my parents nurtured that in me too, since Mom didn’t even bat an eyelash at the stranger in her home and fed him practically the entire contents of our fridge.”

I laughed.  “It does sound like something your mother would do.”

She nodded.  “As I got older, it was little things.  I’d top up a parking meter. I’d help an old person with their groceries, a pregnant person reach for something high or low on a shelf, things like that.  I think I got addicted to seeing them smile.”

“And the bigger things?”

“You mean Lee?” I nodded.  She took a deep breath, darkness clouding her features.  “Everything was perfect from the get-go. It wasn’t until about a year after we’d been together that he finally opened up about his alcoholism.  He was sober back then.  Maybe it’s because I believed too much in him that I was disappointed when he started drinking again.  I was naïve to think that a recovering alcoholic, no matter how in control they seem, was able to have a couple here and there, and that it wouldn’t affect them in the long run.  Maybe he never believed enough in himself to stay sober.  I was taught to never give up on someone you love, but no one told me that there comes a point where you have no choice but to let them walk without a crutch.  Even though I complained about his drinking, I realized too late that I had been Lee’s crutch, his enabler in certain aspects of his addiction.  Maybe I could have been harder on him.  Maybe if I’d said or done something differently…”

“You can’t know that it would have made a difference for sure.”

“I know.”  Her eyes cast themselves downward.

Enough about Lee.
  “What about me?” I straightened to be closer when she answered to see her eyes clearly. To witness the emotions in those bright irises of hers.

Her smile was one of appreciation for the subtle subject change.  “You, Benjamin Carpenter, are by far someone who’s literally fallen into my lap.”  She cradled my cheek before letting her hand drop.  “Like I’ve said before, we’re connected somehow, and it showed from that very first night.”  I nodded.  “It was never a decision when it came to helping you.  That’s where you’re different from everyone else, including Lee.  It wasn’t a choice, it just was.

“Being here for you, listening, cuddling, laughing, talking… It’s easy.  It’s natural for me.  There’s no effort, it’s brainless.  I’ve never had that before.

“Sometimes I think that it’s too perfect, that there’s a hidden agenda.  That like with everyone else, you’ll disappoint me, but I haven’t been yet, and part of me tells me that you’re different from the others.  I feel that if I were to go looking for disappointment, I wouldn’t find it.

Her hand cupped my cheek.  “You’re not a charity case, Ben, not in my eyes.  You’re my savior, my friend, my confidant, my lover.” A blush blossomed on her cheeks and I cradled her face in my hands as our eyes remained fused to the others’.  “I could go on all night, listing what I truly think of you, but they’d all mean the same thing in the end.”

“And what’s that?”

“The way I feel… You remember me saying kismet earlier?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s like you were made for me, for this particular time in my life, just like I was made to come into yours.”

Her eyes left mine and she tried to angle her face away from my gaze.  God how I adored her right then, but was it too quick to feel so strongly about one another?

I realized that I didn’t give a damn what others thought.  No one had been in our situation.  It wouldn’t be the first time that people heard about two traumatised people bonding rapidly and finding love.

Love?

I pondered the thought for a few seconds, waiting for the apprehension to set in, the panic to take hold. Taking another glimpse at her shy profile, I just knew. Yes, love was ultimately going to be the eventual outcome in this.  I wasn’t quite there yet, but I was falling, and falling fast.  And I embraced the emotions.

“Hannah?”

“Hmm?”

“You forgot to mention something when you listed what I am to you.”

Her eyes snapped back to mine.  “Yeah?” Her voice was an octave above a whisper.

“You forgot that I’m solely, utterly, and completely yours.” I grinned.

The smile that beamed back at me could have brightened up the entire house it had so much wattage.  I kissed the tear that escaped, then the side of her mouth, finishing off with her soft lips.

Her hands rested on my chest as I tried to convey that what she’d just said about me mattered more than she ever thought it could.

Too quickly, Hannah pulled away.  “I believe you owe me an answer,” she murmured.

“I can’t compete with what you just told me, but here goes.”

I told her about Mom and Dad doing volunteer work since before I was born.  “When I was a little kid, I always wanted to tag along, so my parents allowed it.  I learned from a very young age that people came from various walks of life, and some nowhere near glamorous.

“As a teenager, the church functions grew too boring, so I began volunteering at a soup kitchen during the holidays and over summer break.  I kept working there when I came home from college.”

“So how does a bartender get to become a volunteer firefighter?” she asked.

I looked down and reached for her hand.  “It was after the accident,” I began.  “The guilt I felt after that night was horrible and no amount of talk therapy worked, whether it was with family, my friends, or my therapists.  I didn’t want to be medicated because I didn’t like the numbness the drugs caused.

“One day, I bumped into an old high-school buddy of mine. He’s a full-time fireman. He mentioned that they needed guys to fill in the occasional gaps.

“I blamed myself for what happened that night, and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. My eyes should have been on the road and…” I took a deep breath.  “I guess I figured that if I could save one life that it would help me get back in God’s good graces, even though I don’t really believe in all that religious crap anymore.”

Hannah nodded.  “I’ve been thinking about that too.  If God had anything to do with it, why’d he take them away?”

“Right?  That’s what I asked myself too. Anyway, I volunteered and did my training.  Shortly after, I gave up on God and the church, but it seemed like a waste of time and effort to give the firefighter gig up.  There’s a huge sense of accomplishment after a successful call.  More often than not, I help people.  Sure, I put myself in danger, but it’s worth something.

“What you need to know is that it’s not about glory, and since the gig was on a volunteer basis, it sure as hell isn’t about the money. The pay is in the form of health benefits, the conditions are less than desirable, but what does it for me is that after giving it my all, that I am able to give someone a second chance, that I helped save a family from suffering a major loss.”

“And what about me?” she asked.

“I almost didn’t stop that night,” I confessed.

“But you did.”

I nodded.  “Almost didn’t,” I repeated.  “I did because I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t check things out and make sure everything was okay.  I remember driving up and down that winding road in my parents’ car as a teenager.   The faster, the better.  That outlook changed the night of my accident.  A few miles down from where I found you was where everything changed for me.” Hannah gasped at what I’d just told her.

“When I saw your car, the past came flooding back.  I could barely recognize the make and model of it. When your eyes made contact with mine that first time, it was as if I was looking at myself through you.  Something about you that night shook me to my core.

“When I checked on Lee, I knew that his chances weren’t good.  And then…”

“…he died,” she supplied.

I nodded.  “As a firefighter I’ve had to deal with car-wrecks before, but this time it was different.  For one, it was my first incident on that stretch of road since my accident.

“I’ve always been a man of my word, so when I told you I wouldn’t leave you, I lived up to it, but you… There’s something about you, Hannah.  You kept me coming back.  I don’t know what it is about you, but there was this instant connection.  I cared about what happened to you before I even knew you, so I fought to be there for you.”

Hannah’s brows furrowed.  “You fought?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I didn’t know how your family would react, but I came anyway.  Then, I was willing to fight the doctor to let me through to see you.  Hannah, I’ve never gone after someone I’ve saved before.  I’ve always been curious, but I’ve never just showed up.”  Hannah squeezed my hand.  “Most importantly, I was worried that your trauma would have caused you to forget who I was, and what had happened.  Kind of like what happened to me.  I worried that your family would have kept me from you, so I tried to convince myself to leave, to not bother…so I fought with myself too.”

“Yet there you were.”  She smiled.  “I guess you won the fight, huh?”

“Yeah.” I returned her smile.  “You calm me more than anyone I’ve ever known.  For the first time in three long years, I can actually sleep without nightmares.  You make it easier to smile, to laugh, to joke around.  You make me happy, Hannah, and I haven’t been happy in far too long.

“I can’t say that I ever expected anything like this to happen, especially with the circumstances, because I don’t think anyone anticipates happiness to shine through after what we’ve been through.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Over the last few weeks, you’ve become more than just some victim I’ve saved.  Truth is, you were never a victim in my eyes.  You were my savior, my friend, my confidant and yes, now my lover.”  Hannah’s brows arched.  “Okay, so I stole your line, but it says all I need to say.”  She laughed.  “I’m yours like I said, but at the risk of chasing you away, I need to know that you’ll be mine too.  I don’t expect an ‘I love you’ because Lord knows everything’s happening so fast.  I want us to be happy, to live life without regret, without guilt, without ever having to look back.  If it could only happen to one of us, I’d want it for you.  Your mother told me something while you were still asleep…”

“You deserve so much more than what you’ve been handed,” we said together and I smiled at her.

“That’s right,” I said.  “It’s the truth.  I have no clue what the future holds, only that right now, you’re all I need, and I don’t see it changing any time soon.”

“So let me get this straight,” she said.  “I’m not the only one who’s crazy enough to think that there’s something more going on here?  I’m not the only one who’s falling?  God, it sounds ridiculous, despite my knowing my own mind.”

“I know.  But it feels right.  I know we have a lot to work through, and some people will say that it’s-”

Her hand came up to stop me from speaking.  “I don’t care what anyone else thinks.  You’re mine.”

“All yours.”

She kissed me hard and pulled back.  “And you have me… Just me.”

“Not just you, sweetheart.  All of you.”

“In that case,
boyfriend
…”

Despite feeling too old to be labelled as such, my heart warmed at the title.