Torn (15 page)

As for now, another drink is definitely in order.

KALISTA

S
itting by Holden’s bedside, gently brushing his hair away from his eyes, I wondered exactly what I would tell him about Eli. Or more to the point, why I’d kept his father from him.

Eli was a good man; even encased in all his hatred and anger toward me, I saw the man I knew all those years before underneath. He would have been a wonderful father, and I’d stolen that away from him. No matter how much I thought I was making the right decision walking away from him back then, there was no reason I should have kept him—kept them both—in the dark for so long. But the more the years snuck by, the harder it was to go back on my initial choice.

Until I was forced back home. I shuddered to think if my life had continued as it had been, Eli and Holden would have never met, and the guilt would have eaten me up, more so than it already had.

I saw the look in Jasmine’s eyes when I told her my reason for leaving when I was all of nineteen years old. It made sense to me back then, but I agree if someone laid that same excuse at my feet today, I would look at them as if they were only operating with half a deck.

Eli’s love for our future was all he ever talked about. Us going to college and fulfilling our dreams, getting married then having children. He would whisper to me at night, ‘We have a plan, and nothing will steer us from our path.’ As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I tried to tell him, but my roundabout way was too subtle, to which he repeated his mantra. I chose right then and there to free him from the burden of having to raise a baby before he was even legal to drink. I thought my actions were selfless, but I came to discover they were the exact opposite.

The softness of the hallway carpet padded my footsteps to my bedroom. Once I was snuggled in bed, I closed my eyes and prayed to fall into a deep sleep, but my conscience had other ideas.

****

“Holden…sweetheart, we have to talk when you get home today.” I scooped a healthy serving of eggs onto his plate, buttering his toast then pouring him a glass of orange juice. Doting on my son was not a duty but a pleasure of mine, his grateful smile showing me how much he appreciated the simplest of gestures from me. While I’d woken him in plenty of time, tiredness latched on to him and wouldn’t let go; otherwise, I was sure he would have asked me fifty million questions about our upcoming talk.

He was a smart, curious boy by nature and could pick up on the smallest of hints when I was overwhelmed with something. His concern for me was so sweet, but sometimes I wished he would enjoy his childhood instead of worrying about me. I’d done my best to shield him from the hardships of being a single parent, whether it was struggling to pay the bills, or dealing with relationships I’d been in…then when they fizzled out and died. The last straw was when Max attacked me. I knew I had to come back home, to keep my son safe above all else.

“Honey? Did you hear me? Please come right home after school.”

“Where else am I gonna go?” he sleepily joked, propping his head in the palm of his hand while he took a bite of toast. “I haven’t really made too many friends.” His lips turned up in a very familiar smile, but his eyes appeared sad. I knew pulling him away from his friends was difficult. Hell, the whole change had been difficult for the both of us.

“Yet. You haven’t made many friends yet. But you will, I promise.” Kissing the top of his head, I cleared the table once he’d finished, handed him his backpack and grabbed my keys.

After I’d returned home, I set about cleaning the house, checking in with my mother, who’d decided to spend the week with her boyfriend. She wanted to give Eli, Holden and I some privacy, and while I appreciated her gesture, I almost wished she was there with me. I needed someone in my corner, because once I told my son everything, there was no doubt father and son would join sides against me. Or maybe that was simply my fear getting the best of me.

The hours ticked by way too fast for my liking, but I kept busy by emailing potential job leads as well as updating my resume, stopping on the occasional shoe site to check out the latest trends. Before I knew it, Holden sauntered through the front door, flinging his backpack to the floor before heading toward the kitchen to choose a snack.

“Hi, Mom!” he yelled, not realizing I was standing close by. A hungry, growing boy notices nothing except what he needs to fill his growling belly. I gathered him into a big hug and kissed his rosy cheek. When he laughed, he really was the spitting image of his father.

“How was school?” I asked, releasing him so he could sit by the kitchen island, his nectarine already half eaten by the time he answered me.

“It was good. And you were right.” He swallowed before continuing. “I made a new buddy today. His name is Kevin, and I’m probably going to hang out with him later this week.”

“I have to meet his parents before you go and make any plans.”

“Mom,” he groaned. “I’m not a baby anymore. You don’t have to meet my friends’ parents.” Tossing the pit of the fruit in the garbage, he stared at me, as if his beautiful eyes were going to dissuade me from embarrassing him.

“No can do. You know the rules.” Busying myself with finishing up the remaining dishes in the sink, I dreaded the conversation I was going to have with him, worry causing me to chew the hell out of my bottom lip. But there was no time like the present.

Once the last plate was rinsed, I dried off my hands and slowly walked toward the living room, my heart threatening to burst out of my chest with every step I took toward the truth. Holden had been watching some comedy show and groaned when I shut the television off, but his annoyance quickly dissipated when he looked at me, my expression alone telling him whatever I wished to discuss with him was quite serious.

“Honey, I have something I need to talk to you about,” I admitted, my mouth suddenly becoming dry, but my hands compensated because they started to sweat the closer I was to telling him about his father. “I don’t know how else to tell you this…but…” I faltered. God give me strength. “I want to talk about your father.”

His eyes widened at the topic which had always been off-limits. It had been a selfish act on my part, but I could never find the strength I needed to talk about Eli or the decision I’d made which affected all of our lives. Anytime he mentioned him, I would instantly choke up, tears threatening to break free and give away all of the anguish I held close.

Because I was forced to deal with revealing the truth to both of them, it was only then I realized how wrong I’d been for keeping father and son away from each other. What a heartless disservice I’d done to both of them.

Self-pity aside, I had to tell Holden everything and hope he could forgive me someday.

My son remained quiet, eager to hear whatever I was going to tell him about the one man he was curious about his entire life. “Do you remember the man who came over to visit last night?”

He nodded, his bottom lip disappearing between his teeth in nervousness. We certainly share that trait. “Is he…my…dad?” he asked, his voice cracking from overwhelming emotion, shifting in his seat in uneasiness while he kept his eyes trained on me, surely waiting for me to shut down our talk before it even started.
      

“Yes, sweetheart, he is. Eli Warner is your father.” He tried to remain strong and brave, but my revelation was too much for him to contain, tears instantly breaking free and coating his handsome cheeks, his emotions pouring forth only to break my heart. All he’d ever wanted was to be like his friends. All of them fortunately had a father figure in their lives, even if their parents were divorced. The fact I denied my son that part of his life was gut-wrenching, more so since I was able to see just what the news meant to him.

He all of a sudden looked extremely nervous. “He was yelling at you last night, wasn’t he?” His chest shook with choppy breaths. “Does he want to take me away from you?” he whimpered.

Gathering him in my arms, I tried my best to calm him. It was rare Holden showed his vulnerability. He was always my strong, brave boy. It tore my heart out he was hurting, worried we were going to be ripped apart.

“No…no,” I soothed. “Your father doesn’t want to take you away. He just wants the opportunity to get to know you. That’s all.”

“Then why now? I thought he didn’t want me,” he whispered. Backing away, he wiped the tears from his face before finding my eyes again. “Why now?” he repeated.

I was already all twisted up, thinking there was no way our night could become any more sorrowful, and then he dropped that bomb on me. Thinking his own father never wanted anything to do with him was beyond awful, and in my quest to keep Eli a secret, I’d never once considered Holden would have thought such a thing. I guessed I was too wrapped up in keeping my past where I wanted it…in the past. And as the years ticked by I lied to myself, believing keeping up the façade was what was best for Holden when really it was what was best for me.

I reached for him and pulled him to me, hugging him tight and wishing my embrace could erase all of the hurt and pain he was going through. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry,” I sobbed, unable to remain strong, weeping harder because my son had felt he wasn’t worth his father’s love and attention. And I should have known better, because I often experienced many of those same thoughts, growing up myself without knowing who my father was. Wishing for just one day he would show up on our doorstep and tell me what an awful mistake he’d made, and that he loved me and would be the dad I’d always wanted. To be the father I’d always needed.

Moments later, I was finally able to catch my breath. “Your father didn’t even know you existed before last night. And yes, he was yelling at me, but only because he was so upset with me that I kept you from him.” While it was extremely difficult to say those things to my son, it was also a relief to finally tell him the truth.
      

“He didn’t know about me?” he sniffed, relief flooding his body, his tensed muscles relaxing a little in my hold.

“No, he didn’t. I’m so sorry,” was all I kept repeating. After some more time had passed, and we were both no longer crying, I decided it was a good time to tell him Eli was coming over for a visit. I left out the part about his father giving me no choice in the matter. When it was all said and done, I couldn’t deny I was relieved I’d been forced to reveal the truth after so many years of guilt and regret.

“Eli…your dad…will be here in a few hours. Do you want to finish your homework and help me make dinner before he shows up?”

For the first time in a long time, I saw pure happiness in Holden’s eyes, which in turn made my heart soar.

ELI

S
tepping from the shower, I smiled, both in nervousness and happiness. After my long talk with Drayden the night before, I realized I was ecstatic to be a father. I’d watched all of my siblings with their children and deep down, there was a part of me which envied them all. I loved all my nieces and nephews and the fact I had a son of my own almost made me feel complete.

Almost.

There was still one piece of the puzzle missing, and her name was Kalista. Being with her again was surreal. Although I wanted nothing more than to wring her gorgeous neck for keeping my son from me, I couldn’t help but miss her, even as I yelled at her.

Mike was right about one thing. She did look even better than she had when we were younger. Her body was womanly, curves in all the right places, no doubt my son the cause for some of them. Her face, though…that hadn’t changed except for a few small lines here and there. But they made her look even more beautiful.

I had no idea what our future held, or if there even was one, but I was willing to hear her out. I would make her explain why she’d left me, never telling me I was going to be a father, and running away like a thief in the night.

Opening the bathroom door, steam billowed into my bedroom as I walked toward my closet to gather my clothes. I was fully dressed when my phone rang, vibrating on the bedside table until I answered it. Without looking at the screen, lost in thought of the upcoming evening, I was surprised when a woman’s voice sounded on the other end.